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Please, no judgement on this situation.


LouiseLou

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I am hoping some advice will be given here without judgment on the situation. Please believe me when I say I have been grieving terribly and not coping very well the past month or so in general due to the circumstance. However, the situation I am questioning about has lead to further grief, making it an extremely rough time at the moment. I am unsure who else to turn to, so I believe this may be a good place to start.

 

I had been dating a wonderful man for almost a year, I must point out here that he was reliable, considerate, caring and very understanding. We shared a good bond with many great moments and we were physically involved.

 

Then everything took an unexpected turn. I had become unwell temporarily, which lead to my contraception failing without my knowledge at the time.

I had fallen pregnant, I discovered this very early stages with a home pregnancy test, as I knew something was just not right.

I felt afraid, mixed emotions and perhaps numb to an extent.

I wasn’t fearful of telling him, I never doubted for a moment that he wouldn’t be there, and he was.

He stepped up like any decent man would and we communicated and worked together weighing up the pros and cons. I am a very career driven woman and we both agreed due to many circumstances, it was best not to proceed. We both made this decision.

This did not make the decision any easier for the both of us, it was a terrible time and we were definitely very emotional on the final decision but we knew for the sake of ourselves and for the baby, it would have been unfair to go ahead with it.

Until the final decision, we were in it together. We knew it would be a hard time but we would get through it together, I had no doubts.

 

A week after the termination, I had an extremely emotional day. I was an emotional mess and not thinking rationally or calmly, I still do not know why I said what I did, but I sent him an extremely long message expressing myself of wanting to cut ties. There was a lot more to that message, but that is probably the most important part. He did respond with a heartfelt response, which was basically giving me what I want and that he just wanted me to be happy.

Within an hour I responded with an apology and expressed that I was in a very low mind at the present time and I take it all back. That I still needed and wanted him in my life.

 

Since that day, I have not received anything back. He became uncontactable within just a week and a few short days after the termination.

I have sent a number of messages over the past few weeks (definitely probably not the wisest choice)

I have expressed to him how I am feeling, how I am not coping and worrying if he is coping okay too, that I wish he would speak to me again because I have no understanding of why he is doing this. I am still connected to him through all social networking applications too, have not been removed or blocked, although he is not posting anything.

 

It has been a month, since he has not made contact. I had said everything I could. I am grieving in more ways than one, I am grieving for two losses currently and I cannot think of any logical reason why he would continue to cut me out so coldly when he genuinely cared to begin with and has been informed I did not mean any of it.

If I am barely coping, maybe he is not coping so well either.

I do not know, but any advice would be very appreciated.

 

As I mentioned, please no judgement on this situation as I am very fragile at the moment. I am just looking for some thoughts on this from different perspectives.

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Sorry this happened. When you go for medical follow-up ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist to unpack all this and perhaps be evaluated for other underlying issues complicating and already difficult situation. It sounds like you were very angry with him and let him know this.

 

You ended things with this man and he blocked you/went no contact, which is best for both of you.. Focus on yourself, your recovery and getting appropriate help and support.

I had been dating a wonderful man for almost a year.

I sent him an extremely long message expressing myself of wanting to cut ties.

Since that day, I have not received anything back.

I have sent a number of messages over the past few weeks.

I have expressed to him how I am feeling, how I am not coping.

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It is possible he is just as emotional as you and needs to be alone. I am sorry this happened , abortions and or losing a child often end relationships. Men feel emotional as well as women.

 

Maybe it is a good time to see your dr.

 

I can totally appreciate feeling emotional. I had 4 miscarriages myself.

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Very sorry to hear about your situation and understandable grief*

 

I do think it's a bit cruel of him to just cut contact with you like that although doing otherwise may just prolong the inevitable and cause false hope if he's not wanting to continue the relationship....

 

However, I also know that NC can be a bit trauma inducing as the brain has trouble making such an abrupt adjustment....I really do hope he hasn't fallen prey to the 'Go NC To Get Your Ex Back' programs that are touted everywhere these days!

 

Still, whichever way you slice it, it does say to me that he is no longer wanting to be in this relationship and perhaps has been feeling that way for while....

 

As 'dumpees' (for want of a better word) we mostly feel that this comes out of the blue.."Loved me in the morning. Left me in the afternoon"....But usually that person has been having doubts for a while and just hasn't expressed that to you....In a lot of cases, we're actually the last person to find out! :-/

 

This also doesn't really bode well for how he would handle relationship issues in the future if this is how he chooses to deal with it....

 

Yes you are grieving and grieving sux big time...Really not a fan of it myself but I guess it's part of being alive isn't it....

 

And so for now, don't contact him anymore, you are only causing yourself further pain. Sleep and eat the best you can. If you have an income, do your best to show up at work and protect that. Go for walks. Drink water. Stay off the alcohol....Your body will need good care as you work through this....

 

And you will....You will be ok. Takes time. Be patient with yourself. Wounds need proper healing, not quick fix distractions and bandaids*

 

Hope that helps.

 

Regards

Carus*

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Imo, you had every right to the choice you made so absolutely no judgement there. Regarding the break-up, unfortunately it's not one of the things that you can always take back. Sometimes a break up really breaks one's emotions to the point that there is no going back for them even if you try to take it back. It might be that the whole situation became so hurtful and stressful for him that he decided that he can't handle any more stress and doesn't want back the relationship.

 

For the time being, imo, it would be best to step back, respect his silence and focus on getting yourself back on your feet. You have said your piece and he knows that you didn't mean it. You went through a traumatic experience and you now need to take care of yourself and take time to grieve your losses and heal.

 

You both did the best you could at the time but it sounds like things became way too intense for your relationship to survive. Imo, the best thing to do at this point is to focus on your own healing, surrounding yourself with supportive family and friends. Take one day at a time and in time things WILL get better. Good luck.

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No judgement here. You did what you both decided on for what was best in your situation. This has been tragic for the both of you. I agree, this most likely has taken a huge emotional toll on him too. I hate to say it, but he probably doesn't want to be reminded about what happened, and is completely removing himself in order to go forward. It would be no different than all the couples that get divorced after the loss of a child. It's just too painful. I hope you seek counseling. This would be available through a women's health/family planning clinic.

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No judgement here. You did what you both decided on for what was best in your situation. This has been tragic for the both of you. I agree, this most likely has taken a huge emotional toll on him too. I hate to say it, but he probably doesn't want to be reminded about what happened, and is completely removing himself in order to go forward. It would be no different than all the couples that get divorced after the loss of a child. It's just too painful. I hope you seek counseling. This would be available through a women's health/family planning clinic.

 

I agree with this... you gave him an out, and he took it...I am sorry you are having to process grieving two losses at once :( use this as an opportunity to be selfish and to process your feelings around this without having to be accountable to anyone else for awhile.

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There is no reason to judge you. It was your body, your right, and it is never an easy process for anybody!

 

I think you were correct in that he is also going through his own emotions. Perhaps when you wanted to end things with him, then changed your mind, he felt like it was too much of a roller coaster ride right now with his emotions and yours.

 

I'm sorry you have to grieve for two losses. I really wish you the best; know that you WILL get through this.

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Louise... when I was young, I was in this situation...It's very hard, and I still think of the decision I made from time to time and wonder "what if"... It's one thing in my life that I regret, but, I can't beat myself up about it because I know it was the right thing at the right time, and I was young and not ready.

 

I think you need to stop worrying about him, and just worry about yourself. Go see a therapist if you think it will help. You need to take care of yourself at this time and not worry about anyone else. Self care is what's important.

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The problem with a go-to default of cutting someone out of your life when you feel lousy is that it sends a clear message that even if you believe you didn't mean it this time, there is likely to be a next time. Most people aren't cut out for waiting for the next shoe to drop at the next bump in the road, and so your ex isn't likely to want to set himself up for that.

 

I'd pursue therapy to learn coping skills that don't involve breaking up with anyone you want to keep.

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The problem with a go-to default of cutting someone out of your life when you feel lousy is that it sends a clear message that even if you believe you didn't mean it this time, there is likely to be a next time. Most people aren't cut out for waiting for the next shoe to drop at the next bump in the road, and so your ex isn't likely to want to set himself up for that.

 

I'd pursue therapy to learn coping skills that don't involve breaking up with anyone you want to keep.

 

Agree with the bold.

 

You made an adult decision.

 

No judgement.

 

Unfortunately you didn't cope in a very adult way and are experiencing the consequence.

 

I can’t even blame the guy, as the above poster said you chose to end things, what he does after that... well... he is free to do, guilt free.

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I have a slightly different take and it's a little less generous towards your partner. I think he's a grown man just as you are a grown lady. It took the two of you to come together and then to fall apart. I think you dodged a bullet and you deserve more commitment and a better character for a partner if you are looking to one day raise a family - someone more akin to an adult who understands ups and downs and is more tolerant and understanding.

 

I'm sorry for this experience. Heal, grieve, speak with a counsellor or therapist if you have to. There is no shame in that. You shouldn't feel guilty either for being emotional - some of the tremendous hormonal ups and downs you were feeling after terminating your pregnancy was out of your control and you should never feel shame for that. You didn't hurt anyone and it wasn't repeated occurrences or issues. It was one text and he ran away. Charming. How would you think this person would react to other aspects of life? You need to heal and if there are people who are not strong enough to stand by you for that, you start healing on your own and be stronger for the experience. Don't make any excuses for him. He's gone and he's made his decision. You deserve better.

 

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and tell yourself life goes on. Good riddance to anyone who no longer wishes to be part of your life.

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Stop judging him. This is just as hard for him as it is for her. Grief brings people together but it also can tear people apart. She told him she's done. I'm sure that made such a painful emotional impact on him, he just couldn't bare to deal with this anymore. atbh they haven't been dating a year. I would have trouble with him if they were together for some time, engaged or married. Everyone is going on how uncaring and callous he is....he's just being human. He just simply couldn't handle it. This is just as hard on him as it's hard on her. For his sake I hope he gets counseling too. Like I said before, abortion or loss of a child destroys relationships/marriages because of the termendous emotional toll. So cut this guy some slack. These things don't usually end well, and this is no different.

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Stop judging him. This is just as hard for him as it is for her. Grief brings people together but it also can tear people apart. She told him she's done. I'm sure that made such a painful emotional impact on him, he just couldn't bare to deal with this anymore. atbh they haven't been dating a year. I would have trouble with him if they were together for some time, engaged or married. Everyone is going on how uncaring and callous he is....he's just being human. He just simply couldn't handle it. This is just as hard on him as it's hard on her. For his sake I hope he gets counseling too. Like I said before, abortion or loss of a child destroys relationships/marriages because of the termendous emotional toll. So cut this guy some slack. These things don't usually end well, and this is no different.

 

Yes, men feel just as strongly about their kids . When I lost our second son my husband was so aggrieved he put his crutch through the hospital wall. And he refused to talk about his death for the next 10 years. 10 years later he started to cry and grieve when HE could handle it.

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Sometimes our impulse is correct, even if it feels like we made the wrong choice. You feel bad now because cutting off that connection hurts more than you perhaps anticipated it did. But something in you, maybe even just subconsciously, realized that he wasn't right for you in some way. You definitely were having trouble processing the grief, but maybe a part of that grief you were processing was "this isn't a guy I would want to have a kid with?" or "this isn't who I wanted to go through this traumatic experience with". Maybe you didn't think your bond was strong enough to survive this. And, well, the proof is kind of in the pudding now isn't it? Your relationship was tested, and it didn't pass the test.

 

That's certainly sad, especially during a time when you have other sad things to worry about - but it doesn't mean you made any wrong choices.

 

Go easy on yourself.

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Traumatic and challenging experiences sometimes forces us to quickly assess relationships. Had this not come up you two would probably still be taking things one day at a time.

 

Seeing that part of the decision to not go forward with the pregnancy could have partly been weighed against the strength of the relationship. That coupled with you deciding to end it permanently might have been more than enough for him to decide that there wasn't any future in it after all. At the very least, if there were any doubts, this all could have surely sealed the deal.

 

There might not be any coming back from all of this. Or. . he just needs more time.

Having said that, I am sorry. It must be very heartbreaking on several levels.

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Thank-you for everyone’s input, it’s been much appreciated and you’ve all been very kind.

 

I would like to point out though, that my honest thought regarding the situation is he may not be handling it well.

If the shoe was on the other foot and he informed me out of the blue he wanted to cut ties, I would have been taken back by that behaviour, especially when we agreed we would get through it together.

 

In my defence though, I was extremely hormonal and grieving heavily at the time and it should not have been taken out on him. I handled the situation wrong and was definitely not in a good frame of mind then. However, I have tried to make amends since and definitely explained that too.

 

While yes, he may be handling it wrong with cutting me out but we have both handled it wrong one way or another.

I do still worry about him though and hope he is doing okay. For some reason I cannot be angry, or point the finger at his actions because I understand people handle things differently in a time of grief and sometimes we really have no control of ourselves or actions as it takes over completely. Which is what I did.

 

I’m not making excuses for him though, but I am giving him somewhat the benefit of the doubt too. As an experience like this is very traumatic in general, but I have no doubts he did care for me, genuinely.

I just wish he would reach out and let me know he’s okay.

I’m aware that it is very unlikely things will go back to how they were, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting things to finish on better terms and hoping he is doing okay too.

A simple message is all I’m after, I don’t understand how it has not been done. And if he has chosen to cut me out completely to try and make it easier on himself, me or for the both of us, it has done the complete opposite. He’s quite sensitive so surely guilt would have to be getting to him if not not, down the track.

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Repost as my last post didn’t submit.

 

First of all, thank-you for all the responses you have all been extremely kind and all comments have been taken into consideration.

 

However, my first initial thought and feeling regarding the situation is that he probably isn’t coping well at all.

If the shoe was on the other foot and he announced to me out of the blue about wanting to cut ties when we said we’d be there for each other, I would have taken that quite hard too.

 

And in my defence, yes I handled it quite poorly but was definitely very hormonal and in a terrible frame of mind at the time. Although this doesn’t excuse my behaviour, we all know grief is a horrible thing and sometimes controls us more than we can control ourselves. Throw hormones into the mix of it all and it’s an absolute disaster.

 

And while I am not defending his actions or even think it is okay with what he is doing, I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt because if I am not coping, surely he isn’t coping much better either. Everyone is different and we all handle rough times differently too. I cannot seem to have any anger towards him or point the finger at him either, as I know he genuinely cared but I was not expecting this.

Yes, I did say I wanted to cut ties but I have tried to make amends and definitely explained what I had been thinking and feeling at the time, I wasn’t thinking clearly and tried my best to take it all back and let him know I would still be there if he needed to reach out.

 

It is very unlikely things will go back to how they were, but that doesn’t mean things have to end completely in bad terms, there is no logical reason for it. All I want is a message to know if he is doing okay, it is only natural to still care and wonder.

 

I do know he is somewhat sensitive and I wonder if cutting me off is eating at him with guilt in a way. Avoiding isn’t going to resolve anything, it may make him think it will help himself, me or the both of us but the truth of it is, it isn’t. It’s worse than it has to be.

 

I’ve mentioned things did not have to go back to how they were if that isn’t what he wanted, but I didn’t want things to end on these terms either.

 

I think it would take an absolute cold hearted person to cut someone out without some form of guilt and I do not think he is doing it intentionally to hurt me. But either way, we have both handled it wrongly to some extent, both at fault.

I hope one day, he’ll reach out again even if just for more solid closure. But if not I am seeking some therapy and focusing on healing the best way I can with healthy coping mechanisms and I really hope he is doing okay too.

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Why would you shoot him down if you wanted support from him? See a doctor/therapist if you are having difficulty with the breakup, your emotions or whatever aftermath you are feeling. Try not to make excuses for your actions, instead reflect on why you decided to play things out this way.

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Wiseman2, I do believe that was perfectly explained clearly in my previous response. I have admitted and acknowledged to myself as well as him, it was handled poorly and wrongly in a moment of grief and clearly not thinking level-headed at the time.

That is not an excuse, that is fact. Everyone makes mistakes.

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Why did you send him that communication about wanting to cut ties? Meaning what did you mean by it and what made you do it, not what "state" you were in? Even if you were hormonal, etc, many people would not send a breakup email to someone they want support from. Why were you so angry at him? Were you upset at how he handled this news or that he did not want the pregnancy?

it was handled poorly and wrongly in a moment of grief and clearly not thinking level-headed at the time.

That is not an excuse, that is fact. Everyone makes mistakes.

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The thing is when a woman says I am breaking up with you many men are afraid and with good reason to persist even if they think it was not meant because they don’t want to be slapped with restraining orders. A lot of men are terrified to even deal with women because of the I am woman hear me roar movement.

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