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Thread: Please, no judgement on this situation.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    The problem with a go-to default of cutting someone out of your life when you feel lousy is that it sends a clear message that even if you believe you didn't mean it this time, there is likely to be a next time. Most people aren't cut out for waiting for the next shoe to drop at the next bump in the road, and so your ex isn't likely to want to set himself up for that.

    I'd pursue therapy to learn coping skills that don't involve breaking up with anyone you want to keep.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    The problem with a go-to default of cutting someone out of your life when you feel lousy is that it sends a clear message that even if you believe you didn't mean it this time, there is likely to be a next time. Most people aren't cut out for waiting for the next shoe to drop at the next bump in the road, and so your ex isn't likely to want to set himself up for that.

    I'd pursue therapy to learn coping skills that don't involve breaking up with anyone you want to keep.
    Agree with the bold.

    You made an adult decision.

    No judgement.

    Unfortunately you didn't cope in a very adult way and are experiencing the consequence.

    I canít even blame the guy, as the above poster said you chose to end things, what he does after that... well... he is free to do, guilt free.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I have a slightly different take and it's a little less generous towards your partner. I think he's a grown man just as you are a grown lady. It took the two of you to come together and then to fall apart. I think you dodged a bullet and you deserve more commitment and a better character for a partner if you are looking to one day raise a family - someone more akin to an adult who understands ups and downs and is more tolerant and understanding.

    I'm sorry for this experience. Heal, grieve, speak with a counsellor or therapist if you have to. There is no shame in that. You shouldn't feel guilty either for being emotional - some of the tremendous hormonal ups and downs you were feeling after terminating your pregnancy was out of your control and you should never feel shame for that. You didn't hurt anyone and it wasn't repeated occurrences or issues. It was one text and he ran away. Charming. How would you think this person would react to other aspects of life? You need to heal and if there are people who are not strong enough to stand by you for that, you start healing on your own and be stronger for the experience. Don't make any excuses for him. He's gone and he's made his decision. You deserve better.

    Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and tell yourself life goes on. Good riddance to anyone who no longer wishes to be part of your life.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Stop judging him. This is just as hard for him as it is for her. Grief brings people together but it also can tear people apart. She told him she's done. I'm sure that made such a painful emotional impact on him, he just couldn't bare to deal with this anymore. atbh they haven't been dating a year. I would have trouble with him if they were together for some time, engaged or married. Everyone is going on how uncaring and callous he is....he's just being human. He just simply couldn't handle it. This is just as hard on him as it's hard on her. For his sake I hope he gets counseling too. Like I said before, abortion or loss of a child destroys relationships/marriages because of the termendous emotional toll. So cut this guy some slack. These things don't usually end well, and this is no different.

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  6. #15
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Stop judging him. This is just as hard for him as it is for her. Grief brings people together but it also can tear people apart. She told him she's done. I'm sure that made such a painful emotional impact on him, he just couldn't bare to deal with this anymore. atbh they haven't been dating a year. I would have trouble with him if they were together for some time, engaged or married. Everyone is going on how uncaring and callous he is....he's just being human. He just simply couldn't handle it. This is just as hard on him as it's hard on her. For his sake I hope he gets counseling too. Like I said before, abortion or loss of a child destroys relationships/marriages because of the termendous emotional toll. So cut this guy some slack. These things don't usually end well, and this is no different.
    Yes, men feel just as strongly about their kids . When I lost our second son my husband was so aggrieved he put his crutch through the hospital wall. And he refused to talk about his death for the next 10 years. 10 years later he started to cry and grieve when HE could handle it.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It takes two to tango and this person is no longer a part of your life. It's time to accept that and heal and grow. You are not obligated to feel sorry for him or make excuses for his behaviour. Simply go on being you and heal from the experience.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 11-13-2019 at 01:54 PM.

  8. #17
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    Sometimes our impulse is correct, even if it feels like we made the wrong choice. You feel bad now because cutting off that connection hurts more than you perhaps anticipated it did. But something in you, maybe even just subconsciously, realized that he wasn't right for you in some way. You definitely were having trouble processing the grief, but maybe a part of that grief you were processing was "this isn't a guy I would want to have a kid with?" or "this isn't who I wanted to go through this traumatic experience with". Maybe you didn't think your bond was strong enough to survive this. And, well, the proof is kind of in the pudding now isn't it? Your relationship was tested, and it didn't pass the test.

    That's certainly sad, especially during a time when you have other sad things to worry about - but it doesn't mean you made any wrong choices.

    Go easy on yourself.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Traumatic and challenging experiences sometimes forces us to quickly assess relationships. Had this not come up you two would probably still be taking things one day at a time.

    Seeing that part of the decision to not go forward with the pregnancy could have partly been weighed against the strength of the relationship. That coupled with you deciding to end it permanently might have been more than enough for him to decide that there wasn't any future in it after all. At the very least, if there were any doubts, this all could have surely sealed the deal.

    There might not be any coming back from all of this. Or. . he just needs more time.
    Having said that, I am sorry. It must be very heartbreaking on several levels.

  10. #19
    Thank-you for everyoneís input, itís been much appreciated and youíve all been very kind.

    I would like to point out though, that my honest thought regarding the situation is he may not be handling it well.
    If the shoe was on the other foot and he informed me out of the blue he wanted to cut ties, I would have been taken back by that behaviour, especially when we agreed we would get through it together.

    In my defence though, I was extremely hormonal and grieving heavily at the time and it should not have been taken out on him. I handled the situation wrong and was definitely not in a good frame of mind then. However, I have tried to make amends since and definitely explained that too.

    While yes, he may be handling it wrong with cutting me out but we have both handled it wrong one way or another.
    I do still worry about him though and hope he is doing okay. For some reason I cannot be angry, or point the finger at his actions because I understand people handle things differently in a time of grief and sometimes we really have no control of ourselves or actions as it takes over completely. Which is what I did.

    Iím not making excuses for him though, but I am giving him somewhat the benefit of the doubt too. As an experience like this is very traumatic in general, but I have no doubts he did care for me, genuinely.
    I just wish he would reach out and let me know heís okay.
    Iím aware that it is very unlikely things will go back to how they were, but that doesnít stop me from wanting things to finish on better terms and hoping he is doing okay too.
    A simple message is all Iím after, I donít understand how it has not been done. And if he has chosen to cut me out completely to try and make it easier on himself, me or for the both of us, it has done the complete opposite. Heís quite sensitive so surely guilt would have to be getting to him if not not, down the track.

  11. #20
    I just responded to this thread but I am no sure what happened to my original post, I will post again shortly.

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