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Thread: I feel like I don't crush on women anymore

  1. #31
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by m799999
    I've really enjoyed this conversation. I hope everything works out with you and your cellmate. You seem like a decent fellow.
    You sound decent too. Not sure about you, but it took me a long time to identify as that myself. One of those husks that needed to be let go of.

    Thought experiment: What if I am actually a woman? This being the internet, it's possible. Now imagine I'm a woman you find attractive, and this little back and forth played out over a hanger steak. How's that sound for a night? How's that sound for more days and nights than you can count?

    Something to consider as you consider whatever you need to consider.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you're fine, OP. Just take it easy and enjoy the ride. I came to a crossroads eventually also before meeting my husband. Fed up or resigned or unimpressed - you can call it what you want, I went through something similar to what you're describing. Take care of yourself and things will fall into place. Enjoy your hobbies, friends, family, enrich your life continuously and find purpose in your life. Whether you meet anyone or not is a bit of luck but I think living well is paramount.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I think you're fine, OP. Just take it easy and enjoy the ride. I came to a crossroads eventually also before meeting my husband. Fed up or resigned or unimpressed - you can call it what you want, I went through something similar to what you're describing. Take care of yourself and things will fall into place. Enjoy your hobbies, friends, family, enrich your life continuously and find purpose in your life. Whether you meet anyone or not is a bit of luck but I think living well is paramount.
    Thanks for the positive vibes!

  4. #34
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by m799999
    Awesome post man.

    Healthy is healthy. You are 100% correct. Maybe I'm just scared that my "healthy" isn't going to be too healthy in 20 years. If I were a highlander that didn't age, I wouldn't even be having this conversation. I would just continue to smash chicks and do whatever it is that I want to do. I rather like my life right now. I'm self employed, so I decide when and if I want t work. My finances aren't perfect, but if I want to have steak for dinner, I do. If I want to go out for drinks with a buddy, I do. If I want to go fishing with my nephew, I simply put it down on my schedule, and it happens. I would like to have the finances to travel more, but my life really is better than the "majority" of my friend's lives. I guess I'm just worried that this life I'm living is very finite. Then again, any life I could be living would be finite when you really think about it.
    100%.

    What Rose said resonated with me as I went through this as well... when I was single I was looking around at available (and unavailable!) men and thinking "Is this what I have to look forward to?!" It made me want to bang my head on the table in frustration.

    Something about being in one's 40's I think makes one a lot less willing to put up with the bull$hit that surrounds dating... and to focus more on doing things we enjoy because life is too short not to.

    My golden rule of life... is that if a goal I am working towards (like a relationship) is feeling super frustrating or challenging, it could be that path is not my intended purpose in the here and now, that I am supposed to be doing something else. I know I am on the right path for me when things flow... doors open... opportunities happen that lead me in that direction.

    You seem to be living a good life. I think life is too short to put ourselves in a position where we are constantly feeling frustrated. If you want a relationship, decide what that is gonna look like for you and then let it go... and keep living your best life. If you are meant to have it, that person will show up when you least expect it.

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  6. #35
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    It's called getting old... There's a southpark episode that explains this phenomenon. Yes I am a millennial.

    I also echo Rose Mosse. I hit that crossroads when I turned 30. I was very much resigned from it all. I stopped comparing myself to my peers and my friends. Stopped caring what the opposite sex think or thought. Stopped dating and went to weddings and danced alone like no tomorrow - there's videos of this! Didn't feel any spark or attraction with any one for a good 2 years until I met my now husband. Things really do fall in to place (and things start making sense) when you take care of yourself AND you stop internalizing other people's negative energies.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by LootieTootie
    It's called getting old... There's a southpark episode that explains this phenomenon. Yes I am a millennial.

    I also echo Rose Mosse. I hit that crossroads when I turned 30. I was very much resigned from it all. I stopped comparing myself to my peers and my friends. Stopped caring what the opposite sex think or thought. Stopped dating and went to weddings and danced alone like no tomorrow - there's videos of this! Didn't feel any spark or attraction with any one for a good 2 years until I met my now husband. Things really do fall in to place (and things start making sense) when you take care of yourself AND you stop internalizing other people's negative energies.

    BIG difference between 30 and 40 IMO. Dating is still very easy at 30. The market is still pretty open, especially if you're looking for the educated career type. Dating at 40 for a guy is much easier than dating at 40 for a woman, but it's still a lot harder than 30. As a guy, at 30 years old you still have the option of dating women your own age as well as going much younger. At 40, a lot of men just aren't physically attracted to women their own age anymore, so the dating pool shrinks for them, and it becomes an absolute dog fight for those remaining attractive age appropriate women that often come with a price tag if we're being honest.

    People will get really angry about this you're blunt about it like I just was, but it's pretty accurate for most men. For whatever reason, there just seems to be a lot more guys that keep their looks and shape into their 40's than there are women that do so, which makes dating a lot harder for both sexes, due to a lot of the men only being interested in younger women or the most attractive women their age. It's a bit unfair, but dating is also heavily slanted in women's favor when you're in your 20's, so it's almost sort of justice. This was an ongoing joke at my 20 year HS reunion because most of the best looking guys that we went to school with were still good looking guys, but it was jaw dropping in regards to how bad a lot of the best looking girls I grew up with looked like at just 38 years old.
    Last edited by m799999; 11-13-2019 at 02:09 PM.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by m799999
    For whatever reason, there just seems to be a lot more guys that keep their looks and shape into their 40's than there are women that do so, which makes dating a lot harder for both sexes, due to a lot of the men only being interested in younger women or the most attractive women their age. It's a bit unfair, but dating is also heavily slanted in women's favor when you're in your 20's, so it's almost sort of justice. This was an ongoing joke at my 20 year HS reunion.
    Interesting.

    Were I to go against my natural instincts and make sweeping generalizations, I'd say that what I've seen is that dudes start letting themselves go pretty quickly while women stay on point—much, much longer. I recall the complaints from women that started coming right around 30: they were in yoga, in Pilates, stomachs as taut as they were at 22, while the guys were taking on pear and bowling pin shapes and sipping just enough IPA to still see a high school football player when they looked in the mirror.

    Of course, sticking with the generalizations, there does seem to be a thing where women aren't quite as magnetized to the same kind of surface-level aesthetics as men, strip clubs being an easy paradigm in which to make that point, as a very wide cross section of men will find a proto-stripper "hot" while a more narrow cross section of women will find the Chippendale Dude drool-worthy. They might be more drawn to the "silver fox," which, diluted a bit from the cliche, is to say they might be more drawn to a man who appears experienced and sophisticated, regardless of the precise shape of his triceps.

    Staying on the generalization throttle: I'd say that men are genetically able to delay maturity. We don't have the same "clock," which changes things. We will do all that "later," when we are "ready," and we say that at 18, at 28, at 38. Then—ooof—a funny thing has happened: the bell of 40 rings, later is today, and you are still "that guy."

    Bringing this back to you, I think you are describing something of a growth spurt—and, with it, some growing pains. I mean, if you want to date a 22 year old it's still pretty easy at 40—easier, best I can tell, than it was at 22 or 30. Problem is that you just might not like it, since you don't like what that reflects back in the mirror, to say nothing of having to communicate through the sub-language of Instagram story views and emoji stickers. All that induces enough loneliness to cancel out surface-level sauce that boiled the blood just yesterday—or was it 20 years ago?

  9. #38
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    Physical, physical, physical.

    Your posts just drip with a focus on physical intimacy, when the hole you are feeling and missing is that emotional intimacy. You compare dating at 30 and 40... I think if you are focused on physical attributes there is a difference, but if you are talking about emotional maturity 30 and 40 are a lot closer than 20 and 30. I think it just took you a little while to hit the same wall that LootieTootie was talking about hitting at 30. You describe what most single people - at any age - will complain about on here. Where are all the hot people who I also connect with emotionally? The hotness is going to go from easy to find to harder to find. But finding the emotional connection that is sustaining is hard at any age. It takes work from yourself to figure out how to fit with another person, and the right other person who will mold themselves to you. The right combination of similar qualities, and different qualities that are intriguing rather than off-putting.

    Your criteria for what you might look for in a relationship is changing, but it's changing before your conscious mind can unpack what the criteria might actually be. Give yourself some time to adjust to these internal changes. Don't try and force a relationship when it's not going to work out. So don't crush on women! It's not necessary as you go through this transition. Enjoy yourself and the new life that you are growing into, and who knows what the future may bring. You may meet someone, you may not. There's no rule that meeting someone is the best way to find happiness. You're right that a lot of people are in bad relationships and not very happy in them. You don't have to write the whole idea off entirely, but no need to chase that statistic.

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Interesting.

    Were I to go against my natural instincts and make sweeping generalizations, I'd say that what I've seen is that dudes start letting themselves go pretty quickly while women stay on point—much, much longer. I recall the complaints from women that started coming right around 30: they were in yoga, in Pilates, stomachs as taut as they were at 22, while the guys were taking on pear and bowling pin shapes and sipping just enough IPA to still see a high school football player when they looked in the mirror.

    Of course, sticking with the generalizations, there does seem to be a thing where women aren't quite as magnetized to the same kind of surface-level aesthetics as men, strip clubs being an easy paradigm in which to make that point, as a very wide cross section of men will find a proto-stripper "hot" while a more narrow cross section of women will find the Chippendale Dude drool-worthy. They might be more drawn to the "silver fox," which, diluted a bit from the cliche, is to say they might be more drawn to a man who appears experienced and sophisticated, regardless of the precise shape of his triceps.

    Staying on the generalization throttle: I'd say that men are genetically able to delay maturity. We don't have the same "clock," which changes things. We will do all that "later," when we are "ready," and we say that at 18, at 28, at 38. Then—ooof—a funny thing has happened: the bell of 40 rings, later is today, and you are still "that guy."

    Bringing this back to you, I think you are describing something of a growth spurt—and, with it, some growing pains. I mean, if you want to date a 22 year old it's still pretty easy at 40—easier, best I can tell, than it was at 22 or 30. Problem is that you just might not like it, since you don't like what that reflects back in the mirror, to say nothing of having to communicate through the sub-language of Instagram story views and emoji stickers. All that induces enough loneliness to cancel out surface-level sauce that boiled the blood just yesterday—or was it 20 years ago?
    LOL.....NO

    That's not an opinion either. There are WAY more men in crazy good shape after 40 than women for hormonal reasons. That's why you will see lots of men over the age of 40 with visible abs and muscular builds, while a 40+ woman with a rocking body is like a unicorn. If you go by BMI, it will show that there are more overweight men, but BMI doesn't account for body fat. The majority of professional football players would be considered overweight based on BMI. Women age faster than men when in equal environments (not working manual labor in the sun all day). They lose their shape at an earlier age, and their skin deteriorates faster. That's not my opinion, that's science.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by saluk
    Physical, physical, physical.

    Your posts just drip with a focus on physical intimacy, when the hole you are feeling and missing is that emotional intimacy. You compare dating at 30 and 40... I think if you are focused on physical attributes there is a difference, but if you are talking about emotional maturity 30 and 40 are a lot closer than 20 and 30. I think it just took you a little while to hit the same wall that LootieTootie was talking about hitting at 30. You describe what most single people - at any age - will complain about on here. Where are all the hot people who I also connect with emotionally? The hotness is going to go from easy to find to harder to find. But finding the emotional connection that is sustaining is hard at any age. It takes work from yourself to figure out how to fit with another person, and the right other person who will mold themselves to you. The right combination of similar qualities, and different qualities that are intriguing rather than off-putting.

    Your criteria for what you might look for in a relationship is changing, but it's changing before your conscious mind can unpack what the criteria might actually be. Give yourself some time to adjust to these internal changes. Don't try and force a relationship when it's not going to work out. So don't crush on women! It's not necessary as you go through this transition. Enjoy yourself and the new life that you are growing into, and who knows what the future may bring. You may meet someone, you may not. There's no rule that meeting someone is the best way to find happiness. You're right that a lot of people are in bad relationships and not very happy in them. You don't have to write the whole idea off entirely, but no need to chase that statistic.
    Being physically attracted to someone is the first step in attraction, and without it, there is nothing to build on. To say otherwise is to deny reality and human nature. Dating becomes harder as you age for a lot of reasons, but a decreasing amount of physically attractive people is a big one for a guys like myself that work out constantly and tend to be built like action figures as a result. There's just not a lot of women my age that I find attractive unfortunately. This is a pretty common thing.
    Last edited by m799999; 11-13-2019 at 07:41 PM.

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