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Thread: I feel like I don't crush on women anymore

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by m799999
    I tend to view a lot of things as quantitative data, which often comes off as speaking in absolutes to people that lack my education and career background.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    So much good stuff to untangle here.

    Double down away; I don't even totally disagree with some of what you're sketching. Still, I think the art of being a person is different to the art of studying statistics about people. Or maybe my personal fetish is seeing if I can be an exception to certain rules, for better or worse. I pay some mortgages doing something that everyone said was a "crazy" way to try to make a living, and I approach love and human connection, with men and women, from much the same angle: crazy stuff that is so totally doable, wildly sane and critical to nourishment.

    A healthy relationship is different than a relationship in which you get a "taste" of a healthy relationship. That's actually the opposite. My Nagasaki number up top? We didn't just shoot each other up with emotional machine guns and then patch each other up in the bedroom. We spooned through rom-coms, talked about life, met families, sat around in sweats, traveled Europe and Russia, laughed about inside jokes while eating mac-n-cheese, helped each other with our careers, and so on. A lot of it was sweet. Just sweetness during a war, not during peace.

    Healthy is just...healthy. It can look a zillion ways, from the white picket fence to multiple partners, but it's about respect and shared values. To get there you kind of have to stop the objectifying—of the whole thing. Of you, of her. Of men, of women. I can "objectify" the current political climate of the USA, for instance, but along with that I live in the USA, a much more rich and nuanced experience than however I feel about what's what on the op-ed pages. Make sense?

    I'm not taking to you here from a podium, mind you. Same human trenches. I'm 40, never married, no kid. I've got stories, and in the swamp of myself have gone to battle with my head and heart, a lot. I've looked in the mirror and seen a mature dude, and a mess of a dude, often on the same day. Never had a negative view of people, though: not women, not men. Can't explain why, as I've been torqued pretty hard by both sexes, especially by one who is 50 percent responsible for my existence. So it goes...

    Anyhow, I think some of this can be simplified. Let's sketch you out as a statistic: you're a dude who has had some hot sex and some tepid loves and who, at the dawn of middle age, isn't quite where you thought you'd be. You're feeling a little hollow, a little shallow, or at least frustrated by how things that once felt deep now feel shallow. You are, in all that, in great human company. I say lean into it, to find the depths.

    Is what you want monogamy? Is it poly? Is it cursory? Is it nameless hi-jinx in back alleys? There are no wrong answers, but you have to come up with answers you respect and have faith that there are other people, of the opposite sex, who won't throw a pie in your face—or get, you know, all cray-cray dramatic—when you tell them who you are and what you want. You said at the beginning that the common denominator here must be you, as it always is, and perhaps the problem is that you don't know what you want with nearly the same certainty you have about knowing what is impossible between men and women.

    And if there is overlap between those two things? Well, that's a recipe for becoming another statistic.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    I so adore you Wiseman! That is priceless.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You seem endlessly negative and tremendously insecure ( I don't mean this in a rude way). People are just people at the end of the day. We all play different roles, some play multiple roles. Others prefer minimal roles and are living and thriving in their own method of being.

    You did mention your influences(friends etc) around you being negative. Are you absorbing that energy? I'd be careful of the company you keep if you feel that it's draining you or starting to affect your outlook on life and people and your own future. You are not superhuman. None of us are. Acknowledge your limitations and start being a bit more smart with the way you use your resources and how you manage your company.

    I also feel like something in you is lacking and there's a very lonely void. You're trying to bridge that and you're struggling to find company even though you've given up on it. To be very frank with you I think your filters are broken. If you don't know how to filter bad influences or negative influences or individuals and situations that don't benefit you, you will never really be happy. It comes from first acknowledging your limitations and what you can and cannot stand for. Learn to filter a bit better.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    I so adore you Wiseman! That is priceless.
    Seconding this, and bowing down. My year is made.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    So much good stuff to untangle here.

    Double down away; I don't even totally disagree with some of what you're sketching. Still, I think the art of being a person is different to the art of studying statistics about people. Or maybe my personal fetish is seeing if I can be an exception to certain rules, for better or worse. I pay some mortgages doing something that everyone said was a "crazy" way to try to make a living, and I approach love and human connection, with men and women, from much the same angle: crazy stuff that is so totally doable, wildly sane and critical to nourishment.

    A healthy relationship is different than a relationship in which you get a "taste" of a healthy relationship. That's actually the opposite. My Nagasaki number up top? We didn't just shoot each other up with emotional machine guns and then patch each other up in the bedroom. We spooned through rom-coms, talked about life, met families, sat around in sweats, traveled Europe and Russia, laughed about inside jokes while eating mac-n-cheese, helped each other with our careers, and so on. A lot of it was sweet. Just sweetness during a war, not during peace.

    Healthy is just...healthy. It can look a zillion ways, from the white picket fence to multiple partners, but it's about respect and shared values. To get there you kind of have to stop the objectifying—of the whole thing. Of you, of her. Of men, of women. I can "objectify" the current political climate of the USA, for instance, but along with that I live in the USA, a much more rich and nuanced experience than however I feel about what's what on the op-ed pages. Make sense?

    I'm not taking to you here from a podium, mind you. Same human trenches. I'm 40, never married, no kid. I've got stories, and in the swamp of myself have gone to battle with my head and heart, a lot. I've looked in the mirror and seen a mature dude, and a mess of a dude, often on the same day. Never had a negative view of people, though: not women, not men. Can't explain why, as I've been torqued pretty hard by both sexes, especially by one who is 50 percent responsible for my existence. So it goes...

    Anyhow, I think some of this can be simplified. Let's sketch you out as a statistic: you're a dude who has had some hot sex and some tepid loves and who, at the dawn of middle age, isn't quite where you thought you'd be. You're feeling a little hollow, a little shallow, or at least frustrated by how things that once felt deep now feel shallow. You are, in all that, in great human company. I say lean into it, to find the depths.

    Is what you want monogamy? Is it poly? Is it cursory? Is it nameless hi-jinx in back alleys? There are no wrong answers, but you have to come up with answers you respect and have faith that there are other people, of the opposite sex, who won't throw a pie in your face—or get, you know, all cray-cray dramatic—when you tell them who you are and what you want. You said at the beginning that the common denominator here must be you, as it always is, and perhaps the problem is that you don't know what you want with nearly the same certainty you have about knowing what is impossible between men and women.

    And if there is overlap between those two things? Well, that's a recipe for becoming another statistic.
    Awesome post man.

    Healthy is healthy. You are 100% correct. Maybe I'm just scared that my "healthy" isn't going to be too healthy in 20 years. If I were a highlander that didn't age, I wouldn't even be having this conversation. I would just continue to smash chicks and do whatever it is that I want to do. I rather like my life right now. I'm self employed, so I decide when and if I want t work. My finances aren't perfect, but if I want to have steak for dinner, I do. If I want to go out for drinks with a buddy, I do. If I want to go fishing with my nephew, I simply put it down on my schedule, and it happens. I would like to have the finances to travel more, but my life really is better than the "majority" of my friend's lives. I guess I'm just worried that this life I'm living is very finite. Then again, any life I could be living would be finite when you really think about it.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    "If I were a highlander that didn't age, I wouldn't even be having this conversation. "

    Yeh. And doesn't he look good in that kilt. lol.

    You got it M79. With what you describe your life is better than probably 97% of people. Truly.

    Thinking of the finite sure puts things into perspective!

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You seem endlessly negative and tremendously insecure ( I don't mean this in a rude way). People are just people at the end of the day. We all play different roles, some play multiple roles. Others prefer minimal roles and are living and thriving in their own method of being.

    You did mention your influences(friends etc) around you being negative. Are you absorbing that energy? I'd be careful of the company you keep if you feel that it's draining you or starting to affect your outlook on life and people and your own future. You are not superhuman. None of us are. Acknowledge your limitations and start being a bit more smart with the way you use your resources and how you manage your company.

    I also feel like something in you is lacking and there's a very lonely void. You're trying to bridge that and you're struggling to find company even though you've given up on it. To be very frank with you I think your filters are broken. If you don't know how to filter bad influences or negative influences or individuals and situations that don't benefit you, you will never really be happy. It comes from first acknowledging your limitations and what you can and cannot stand for. Learn to filter a bit better.
    I guess you could say that I'm negative (on this subject), but I'm definitely not insecure. I have nothing to be insecure about. I'm just questioning if my choices and lifestyle are going to come back and bite me eventually. That and why does my heart not flutter around women anymore. Why do I not crush on them?

    As far as my filter goes, my negative view of long term relationships goes far beyond the company I keep. It's everywhere I look. I find myself in a constant state of "man, that would suck to be him or her." i'm constantly interacting with the general public through my business, and I meet couple after couple where you can just feel the tension between them. I'll think to myself "if they're like this in public, how bad is this relationship behind closed doors?" Just look at the numbers. Studies show that less than 1 in 3 couples contain two people that are happy with the relationship.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by m799999
    Awesome post man.

    Healthy is healthy. You are 100% correct. Maybe I'm just scared that my "healthy" isn't going to be too healthy in 20 years. If I were a highlander that didn't age, I wouldn't even be having this conversation. I would just continue to smash chicks and do whatever it is that I want to do. I rather like my life right now. I'm self employed, so I decide when and if I want t work. My finances aren't perfect, but if I want to have steak for dinner, I do. If I want to go out for drinks with a buddy, I do. If I want to go fishing with my nephew, I simply put it down on my schedule, and it happens. I would like to have the finances to travel more, but my life really is better than the "majority" of my friend's lives. I guess I'm just worried that this life I'm living is very finite. Then again, any life I could be living would be finite when you really think about it.
    Awesome post back, as a cool thing just happened: a fuller glimpse of your vulnerable heart, the thing you share with 7.7 billion people, just got a little more exposed.

    You know what everything will look like in 20 years? It will look how it looks in 20 years. You can't do a thing to answer that question right now—and that's scary. And, yeah, it takes on a different color at this juncture in life—the halfway point, or roughly, statistically speaking. If I had my way I'd live forever, truly, and yet I spend a lot of this life doing things I know statistically decrease my chances at longevity, as that helmet at left only offers so much protection. So be it.

    Thing is, I'm not quite sure if I gave you a sip of my highlander immortality potion that you'd prance off into the fields of cursory conquests. I think you are thirsty for something else. Healthy, aside from being healthy, is something else: it is radical, no different than optimism is a far more radical philosophy than pessimism.

    What I think is a bit disorienting about this time in life—pleasantly, as I wrote a little Off Topic riff on this site about turning 40—is that we were 25 five minutes ago, and yet according to the wristwatch we're now five minutes from 60. Whoa! It spins the head and heart, all that.

    But let's ignore the past for a bit, since that's dead matter. And let's try to not focus on 20 or 40 years from now, since we know where that leads: to you and me becoming dead matter. But the present: what do you want now? Challenge yourself to get a clear answer to that, and take some steps to realizing it, and you kind of stop fretting about where it's all going to go.

    I'm cresting into a year of a relationship. I'd like it to be the last of my life—a sentence I could not have imagined writing until this point in my life. Would have sounded like a cell door closing, regardless of the quality of the cellmate, while today it sounds like a new universe to be inhabited and explored in tandem. Does that mean I'll be colonizing that universe two decades from now? I've got no idea! Hope so! But can't quite fret since the present feels pretty lined up—and that's not me speaking after a big toke on the love/lust pipe. I've hit that pipe a lot while remaining pretty sober, often frustratingly sober. It's just where I am at 40, after shedding some husks and meeting a human being who I think is wonderful.

    So, real question: What husks do you want to shed? What habits, what friends? Steaks are great, as are nephews, but they're best enjoyed without the weight of those antiquated husks. Also, the heart breathes better without the weight.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Awesome post back, as a cool thing just happened: a fuller glimpse of your vulnerable heart, the thing you share with 7.7 billion people, just got a little more exposed.

    You know what everything will look like in 20 years? It will look how it looks in 20 years. You can't do a thing to answer that question right now—and that's scary. And, yeah, it takes on a different color at this juncture in life—the halfway point, or roughly, statistically speaking. If I had my way I'd live forever, truly, and yet I spend a lot of this life doing things I know statistically decrease my chances at longevity, as that helmet at left only offers so much protection. So be it.

    Thing is, I'm not quite sure if I gave you a sip of my highlander immortality potion that you'd prance off into the fields of cursory conquests. I think you are thirsty for something else. Healthy, aside from being healthy, is something else: it is radical, no different than optimism is a far more radical philosophy than pessimism.

    What I think is a bit disorienting about this time in life—pleasantly, as I wrote a little Off Topic riff on this site about turning 40—is that we were 25 five minutes ago, and yet according to the wristwatch we're now five minutes from 60. Whoa! It spins the head and heart, all that.

    But let's ignore the past for a bit, since that's dead matter. And let's try to not focus on 20 or 40 years from now, since we know where that leads: to you and me becoming dead matter. But the present: what do you want now? Challenge yourself to get a clear answer to that, and take some steps to realizing it, and you kind of stop fretting about where it's all going to go.

    I'm cresting into a year of a relationship. I'd like it to be the last of my life—a sentence I could not have imagined writing until this point in my life. Would have sounded like a cell door closing, regardless of the quality of the cellmate, while today it sounds like a new universe to be inhabited and explored in tandem. Does that mean I'll be colonizing that universe two decades from now? I've got no idea! Hope so! But can't quite fret since the present feels pretty lined up—and that's not me speaking after a big toke on the love/lust pipe. I've hit that pipe a lot while remaining pretty sober, often frustratingly sober. It's just where I am at 40, after shedding some husks and meeting a human being who I think is wonderful.

    So, real question: What husks do you want to shed? What habits, what friends? Steaks are great, as are nephews, but they're best enjoyed without the weight of those antiquated husks. Also, the heart breathes better without the weight.
    Thanks man

    I've really enjoyed this conversation. I hope everything works out with you and your cellmate. You seem like a decent fellow.

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