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Thread: I feel like I don't crush on women anymore

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Can you give examples of the various women you know having mental issues? What are they saying or what is their behavior to make you think this?

    What's your life like besides having one night stands? Do you have close guy friends? A hobby? A career you love or hate? What feedback have you been given about yourself by others?
    Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type of behavior with the ones that I've dated. The inability to "keep it together." LOTS of crying, LOTS of jealousy, and the constant need for attention and approval. A few of them would become absolute train wrecks for a few days each month. My last GF was so bad with it that I had to track her cycle and block those days off as days that I needed to walk on egg shells and not plan anything.

    With that said, I find the women that I've dated more tolerable than the majority of my friends GFs and wives. Most of those women are just complete ball-busting rain clouds. I think a lot of why I'm so apprehensive about relationships might be that the majority of people I know that are in a LTR aren't happy. I've really paid attention to it as of late. I'll go to a BBQ or something and just watch the majority of these women constantly walking around irritated, annoyed, and acting passive aggressively. I'll think to myself "who on Earth would put up with that." Then I'll see one of these guys that does every day. I know that it's because they love these women. That chemical reaction that causes whatever that feelng is allows these guys to deal with constant nagging, tension, and fighting. Half of them barely even get laid anymore as well.

    I feel like observing this type of stuff for what it is, makes me resistant to the idea of being with someone long term. That's another thing. I'm REALLY happy. I just feel like I shouldn't be. I feel like maybe I'm missing something, and when this party comes to an end, I'm not going to be happy. I'm afraid of being completely alone I guess.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you are just using women and sex for a high, why not get to a doctor and get evaluated for underlying issues. You may be in "great shape", but you're no kid and other issues could be at play. Often declining ways to achieve this "spark" or high will bring even someone with your issues to a doctor.
    Originally Posted by m799999
    I don't find anything interesting abut them other than sex. This is sorta new for me, as I feel like I used to get that "spark" when a new love interest entered the picture.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    You mention that you were cheated on in your last long term relationship. THAT can do quite a number on your psyche and lots of people end up have major issues with trust and kind of seeing everything negatively about the opposite sex after that kind of betrayal. It's actually a normal response to trauma. It doesn't matter if years have passed since then, what matters is that you don't seem to have really dealt with it. It's colored your world view and your view of women in particular.

    You are right though, that when you feel like all women around you are crazy, the problem is really you. The other factor to consider is that the two long term relationship were both toxic. Something drew you to that and now you seem to have an aversion to that that's gone over board where you see drama where none exists. Time to take a good look internally and do some cleaning up and if don't be shy about getting some professional help with that. Easier to win when you have a coach, not so easy to self train.
    Honestly, I've tried counseling before, and I didn't really get anything from it. Maybe the counselors that I've seen just weren't good for me. It was like they had no clue whatsoever about how a guy like myself operates. It seemed like the counselors I've seen had lives that were so much different than mine that they really couldn't relate. I've gotten far more out of talking to my brother or just talking to people anonymously on forums like this if I'm being honest.

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    why not get to a doctor and get evaluated for underlying issues. You may be in "great shape", but you're no kid and other issues could be at play. Often declining ways to achieve this "spark" or high will bring even someone with your issues to a doctor.
    I actually though about that a while back.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by m799999
    Honestly, I've tried counseling before, and I didn't really get anything from it. Maybe the counselors that I've seen just weren't good for me. It was like they had no clue whatsoever about how a guy like myself operates. It seemed like the counselors I've seen had lives that were so much different than mine that they really couldn't relate. I've gotten far more out of talking to my brother or just talking to people anonymously on forums like this if I'm being honest.
    Well yes, the thing with counselors is that you have to find someone whose approach actually works for you. That may take more than a few tries.

    That said, it's not their job to relate to you and your lifestyle, it's their job to help you get your head screwed on straight. There is also a very good possibility that you were simply resistant to that and demanding that they understand you rather than you understanding that you have issues. On that note, the more you post, the more it becomes obvious that you have deeply rooted emotional problems and have never actually connected with women.

    Lust and the hormonal rush from that is not connection. Plus you are getting up there, so yeah, your body will slow or stop reacting like a teenager. The fact that you can only relate to women on a sexual level or not at all.....very telling of issues. You literally do not see half the population as human beings, just things you get to f..k. Now that your hormones don't rage like that used to due to age, your disconnect is becoming painfully obvious....but it's always been there. You have issues and only a professional can solve that if you are actually willing to start accepting different points of view instead of seeking validation for the way you are. You have to be willing to rewire your brain and that is hard work because what's right won't feel right for a long time and will be hard to process.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by m799999
    I think a lot of why I'm so apprehensive about relationships might be that the majority of people I know that are in a LTR aren't happy.
    This caught my eye.

    So, I would agree with the above sentence. In my observation—I'm your age, though I've thought this most of my cognizant life—the majority of people in relationships are not happy. Except let's take it one step further. Best I can tell, the majority of people on the planet are not happy, either. Some of them are in relationships, some aren't. Some are men, some are women.

    Point being? I don't view all that negatively, just factually, just as I view it as fact that a lot of people are happy: men, women, solo travelers, partnered up explorers. Facts are awesome, as they teach us things. They can teach us who we want to be, and who we don't. I, for instance, am someone who wants to be in relationships more than I don't. That's a fact, as is the fact that I'd like to be in one that isn't miserable. So I just try to figure out what that looks like for me, and do it. It is a forever process that often involves multiple people and many years. It is, you could say, being alive, rather than resting the full spectrum of what being alive can mean.

    Per more of the specifics, at the risk of repeating myself: you don't seem to see women as human beings. I'm saying that outside of "men are pigs," though of course it's related. What I mean is that what you are fixated on in terms of a "spark" is very close to what a man feels when entering a strip club as opposed to listening to someone express themselves, and reveal their humanity to you.

    In romantic connection there is a little bit of both, of course, but base it on either of those extremes and you are experiencing the narrowest shade of connection imaginable: one spicy, one mild. But that's just hot sauce, not the meal. Between the lines here I think you're very hungry for the meal, though you have trouble defining what that looks like because your appetite has taken some real hits.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Well yes, the thing with counselors is that you have to find someone whose approach actually works for you. That may take more than a few tries.

    That said, it's not their job to relate to you and your lifestyle, it's their job to help you get your head screwed on straight. There is also a very good possibility that you were simply resistant to that and demanding that they understand you rather than you understanding that you have issues. On that note, the more you post, the more it becomes obvious that you have deeply rooted emotional problems and have never actually connected with women.

    Lust and the hormonal rush from that is not connection. Plus you are getting up there, so yeah, your body will slow or stop reacting like a teenager. The fact that you can only relate to women on a sexual level or not at all.....very telling of issues. You literally do not see half the population as human beings, just things you get to f..k. Now that your hormones don't rage like that used to due to age, your disconnect is becoming painfully obvious....but it's always been there. You have issues and only a professional can solve that if you are actually willing to start accepting different points of view instead of seeking validation for the way you are. You have to be willing to rewire your brain and that is hard work because what's right won't feel right for a long time and will be hard to process.
    I disagree with your perspective on counseling. I think a counselor has to have some way to relate a bit to their clients. I think the same can be said for a medical doctor.

    Anyways, I agree with you on my need for validation. Statistically speaking, there's nothing abnormal about my dating life. There are millions of people like me in this country that are embracing a similar life style. With that said, I feel like it's not right. I feel like this isn't normal, and so here I am asking complete strangers why I'm not what I perceive as being normal. Maybe I've been conditioned to believe that I'm supposed to love women? My logical side tells me daily that monogamy isn't a natural thing for a lot of us, but I'm having trouble believing it because I think that maybe I don't want to believe it. I have the same issue with religion. All evidence tells me that I'll be nothing but worm food when I'm gone. My consciousnesses will simply no longer exist, but I don't want to believe that, so I resist it with the validation of others telling me that's not the case.


    Also, I'll get flamed for saying this, but I don't think most guys relate to women or find them interesting outside of sex and love from my experience. I think they connect with them sexually or they connect with them romantically, and that's what makes it interesting. Take away the romance or sex, and the vast majority of men will not seek out female companionship the way that females often seek male companionship. Obviously that's a blanket statement, but the vast majority of male female friendships only take place because the male is either sexually or romantically interested in said female. There's gobs of research to back this up. My issue is that I can only seen to connect with women sexually anymore. I have lost that ability to connect with a woman romantically for whatever reason.
    Last edited by m799999; 11-12-2019 at 02:21 PM.

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    .................................................. ............

  10. #19
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by m799999
    I'll get flamed for saying this, but I don't think most guys relate to women or find them interesting outside of sex and love from my experience. I think they connect with them sexually or they connect with them romantically, and that's what makes it interesting. Take away the romance or sex, and the vast majority of men will not seek out female companionship the way that females often seek male companionship. Obviously that's a blanket statement, but the vast majority of male female friendships only take place because the male is either sexually or romantically interested in said female. There's gobs of research to back this up. My issue is that I can only seen to connect with women sexually anymore. I have lost that ability to connect with a woman romantically for whatever reason.
    No flaming. You're searching for something, and that takes guts. No, that's not a gold star, but just saying...

    I bolded that last sentence because I read it and thought: Have you ever experienced a healthy romantic connection, or, in a younger version of yourself, did you conflate a jagged and consuming sexual connection as being a romantic one?

    In other words, what I think you're frustrated by is that something that used to feel like "more" now feels like "less." This is living. It changes our perception—slowly, constantly. Then we have to adapt to what we've come to see.

    When I was 27 I got into a volatile, highly dysfunctional relationship where we made a lot of mushroom clouds—good ones in the bedroom, destructive ones outside of it. In separate laborites we were two good people, layered and interesting; in the same laboratory we were Nagasaki. Three years of my life story right there. Messed with me a bit, because the sexual awakening component was real and beautiful—I kind of came into my body during those years, as a man. It was intense—and meaningful.

    But today? All that would be enough to sate me for maybe 48 hours, as I've lived, grown, changed shape, and had enough orgasms to not feel I need to chew glass (or become glass) to get more. But I also knew that whole thing was kind of wrong the whole time, because I got "lucky" before, with my first forays of romance (high school and early adulthood) genuine, non-toxic loves, so I was kind of starving myself emotionally to come into myself sexually. Have you done something similar? I wonder.

    I don't agree with your take on "most guys." I don't think any subset of humans can be reduced like that. It is arrogant, in the end, as in 40 years you've interacted with only a few people on the planet. If that's your own worldview—fine. If it's one you want to challenge—even better. But to project your own view on "all guys" is as reductive as any statement about "all gals"—self-serving in that confirms a mental thesis and self-conception, and there is comfort in that, but not other-serving in that it reduces other humans (men and women in this case) into stick figures.

    More importantly, it may no longer even be serving you, which seems the real conundrum. Lord knows I've reckoned with a lot of once sensible seeming habits (personally, romantically, sexually) that in time proved to be senseless. It's a worthy adventure.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    No flaming. You're searching for something, and that takes guts. No, that's not a gold star, but just saying...

    I bolded that last sentence because I read it and thought: Have you ever experienced a healthy romantic connection, or, in a younger version of yourself, did you conflate a jagged and consuming sexual connection as being a romantic one?

    In other words, what I think you're frustrated by is that something that used to feel like "more" now feels like "less." This is living. It changes our perception—slowly, constantly. Then we have to adapt to what we've come to see.

    When I was 27 I got into a volatile, highly dysfunctional relationship where we made a lot of mushroom clouds—good ones in the bedroom, destructive ones outside of it. In separate laborites we were two good people, layered and interesting; in the same laboratory we were Nagasaki. Three years of my life story right there. Messed with me a bit, because the sexual awakening component was real and beautiful—I kind of came into my body during those years, as a man. It was intense—and meaningful.

    But today? All that would be enough to sate me for maybe 48 hours, as I've lived, grown, changed shape, and had enough orgasms to not feel I need to chew glass (or become glass) to get more. But I also knew that whole thing was kind of wrong the whole time, because I got "lucky" before, with my first forays of romance (high school and early adulthood) genuine, non-toxic loves, so I was kind of starving myself emotionally to come into myself sexually. Have you done something similar? I wonder.

    I don't agree with your take on "most guys." I don't think any subset of humans can be reduced like that. It is arrogant, in the end, as in 40 years you've interacted with only a few people on the planet. If that's your own worldview—fine. If it's one you want to challenge—even better. But to project your own view on "all guys" is as reductive as any statement about "all gals"—self-serving in that confirms a mental thesis and self-conception, and there is comfort in that, but not other-serving in that it reduces other humans (men and women in this case) into stick figures.

    More importantly, it may no longer even be serving you, which seems the real conundrum. Lord knows I've reckoned with a lot of once sensible seeming habits (personally, romantically, sexually) that in time proved to be senseless. It's a worthy adventure.

    I lot of people absolutely despise the term "most" because it comes of as "all" to them. Unfortunately for me, I majored in decision science/Statistics in college, and spent many years working in marketing departments. I tend to view a lot of things as quantitative data, which often comes off as speaking in absolutes to people that lack my education and career background. The problem with the term "most" is that it's a subjective term that's often used in the place of "majority." I myself am guilty of this at times as you can see.

    With that said, I would double down that the the statements I've made in this thread would be factual in regards to men in my age group living in western societies if anonymous surveying were to be done. I would bet the farm on it, but who really knows?

    Yes, I would say that I have experienced healthy romantic relationships, but not in the long term. Unlike you, the "majority" of women that I've connected with romantically have been bad in bed. I stayed in the two longest of those relationships longer than I should have because I was in love, not because of sex. When things were good, they were great, but both of these women were so up and down that I only got a taste of what I considered to be a "healthy" relationship with either of them. Both of them also had low sex drives and had never had an orgasm with any man or even by themselves. For whatever reason, it always seems like the women that are lights out in the sack are also women that I can't connect with in any other way or are simply bad news for other reasons.

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