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Thread: Putting in Effort on a Date

  1. #21
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Aaaah this takes me back to a similar experience I had while dating a couple of years ago... Girl meets guy, feels instant connection, guy claims to feel the same, girl and guy start dating... after awhile girl realizes that guy has not initiated communication in quite some time, guy doesn't plan dates he just wants to meet at girls house, girl thinks guy "doesn't know how to date" or is just lazy and that she needs to teach him how to treat her... that she needs to chase him until he shows more interest in her.... until girl finally realizes that actually, she wants a guy that shows interest right away and doesn't have to be taught how to treat her.

    The book "He's Just Not That Into You" has many examples like mine, like yours. In a nutshell? If you deliver take out to this guy's doorstep he will eat it, but said meal is not enough to motivate him to do the work of going out to get it.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DaisyMayPorter
    I like the fact that he's trying to improve himself, albeit in small doses... but I don't want to try too hard to get him to try to hard. (Does that make sense how I said that???) I don't want to be too tired to go out in that dress, I want to feel great when I go out in the dress, and I'd like it to be his idea, I don't want to have to force him, that's no fun and I feel like if I force him, I'll always be wondering if he really likes me. You'd think a guy who has kids, who has been through a bad marriage and bad rebound relationship, that when they finally meet someone nice, they would cherish that person. But as my friend who knows him said, it's not you, it's him.

    Who knows, he could be so downtrodden since he's experienced bad relationships in the past, but that's not my fault and I shouldn't be punished for it. I too was in a bad (abusive) relationship for several years with my daughter's father, but I let myself heal. I was alone for a long time, this is the first time in 6 years I've let myself go on several dates with someone. Maybe he needs to heal himself too.
    Please....stop just stop.

    You have no idea if he is a good dad or not. You don't know him. He is not a project. You have no idea if anything he is telling you about himself or his marriage is truth. You don't know why his wife cheated and left. Could be she is evil, could be because he was exactly what you are seeing - lousy. A lousy lazy date, an even more lousy lazy husband. Lousy enough for her to leave him for someone else. Sure it doesn't excuse cheating, she could have just left him without it. My point is simply that you don't know, but you are very very busy telling yourself these stories and gosh it's so exciting that you work on him and he shows you some hope of changing - that is toxic right there on your end.

    Please, first guy you went out with in years shouldn't be jumping full speed into a mess and a fixer upper project while you tell yourself stories about who he is or what his life and relationships are like. Stop walk away. Raise your standards for real. Why are you getting so wrapped up in this?

  3. #23
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    It's not going to get any better. No need for games to get him to chase you. He's not that into you, but this guy is a dud, so he's essentially a waste of a new dress.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    In a nutshell? If you deliver take out to this guy's doorstep he will eat it, but said meal is not enough to motivate him to do the work of going out to get it.
    The sniper perches atop the rock, takes aim. Direct hit.

    To file away: I have an old friend, lovely woman, but she has an inner magnet for male projects. Made for some good stories, once upon a time. Alas, time never stops happening, and as it happens it keeps making us whoever we are.

    Just shy of two years ago she meets a guy. Tall, strapping, but he's got that kind of limp melancholy that certain dudes wear like old sweaters. He'd sometimes—in the very early days—burp up little tidbits about his broken engagement and broken spirit. I suspect had you met him at age 14 or 26, before all that spirit lashing, you would have met a similar soul, but I digress...

    By week 5 she was in your shoes, Daisy: laying him down on the therapist's couch in her mind, and going to work. What was he doing? He was next to her on the couch, sipping beer and watching golf, a combination she found repugnant. Oh, but she saw "more" in the couch-potato, and wanted to introduce him to what brought her joy: outings, trips, eccentric art performances. Sometimes she got the leash on tight enough and he'd join, but the couch/golf place was his comfort zone.

    How do I know that? Because at week 5 that was her complaint: sofa, golf. To which I said: that is him and there is a beer/golf-loving woman who would be better. To which she said: maybe he is just depressed. Five weeks became two years and the conversation is identical. A little part of my heart breaks when I think about this friend, as it has been like watching a lightbulb burn out. She opted to move in with him—not in the city she loved, but all the way back to his hometown, a place I'm sure many people adore but a place that is essentially constructed around everything that depresses my friend about humanity.

    She is firmly committed to it all—not to him, though, if I had to "judge," but to the very idea that existed in her head at day 34. Point being—and you're experienced enough to already know this—if you look at people in relationships you'll see a funny constant: for everything that might happen over time, from kids to homes to jobs gained and lost, their core dynamic is often not that different from what they built (and validated) during those earliest days.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by maew
    until girl finally realizes that actually, she wants a guy that shows interest right away and doesn't have to be taught how to treat her.
    Agreed! Thank you for sharing your experience! He should know better. I hope you are dating someone better now. :-)

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    The sniper perches atop the rock, takes aim. Direct hit.

    To file away: I have an old friend, lovely woman, but she has an inner magnet for male projects. Made for some good stories, once upon a time. Alas, time never stops happening, and as it happens it keeps making us whoever we are.

    Just shy of two years ago she meets a guy. Tall, strapping, but he's got that kind of limp melancholy that certain dudes wear like old sweaters. He'd sometimes—in the very early days—burp up little tidbits about his broken engagement and broken spirit. I suspect had you met him at age 14 or 26, before all that spirit lashing, you would have met a similar soul, but I digress...

    By week 5 she was in your shoes, Daisy: laying him down on the therapist's couch in her mind, and going to work. What was he doing? He was next to her on the couch, sipping beer and watching golf, a combination she found repugnant. Oh, but she saw "more" in the couch-potato, and wanted to introduce him to what brought her joy: outings, trips, eccentric art performances. Sometimes she got the leash on tight enough and he'd join, but the couch/golf place was his comfort zone.

    How do I know that? Because at week 5 that was her complaint: sofa, golf. To which I said: that is him and there is a beer/golf-loving woman who would be better. To which she said: maybe he is just depressed. Five weeks became two years and the conversation is identical. A little part of my heart breaks when I think about this friend, as it has been like watching a lightbulb burn out. She opted to move in with him—not in the city she loved, but all the way back to his hometown, a place I'm sure many people adore but a place that is essentially constructed around everything that depresses my friend about humanity.

    She is firmly committed to it all—not to him, though, if I had to "judge," but to the very idea that existed in her head at day 34. Point being—and you're experienced enough to already know this—if you look at people in relationships you'll see a funny constant: for everything that might happen over time, from kids to homes to jobs gained and lost, their core dynamic is often not that different from what they built (and validated) during those earliest days.
    Oh my gosh, what a sad story! I feel bad for her that she chose this life. I won't be sitting on a therapist's couch lol, and I'm so not into "projects" -- I was just asking advice because I don't want this type of "situation" (for lack of a better word) in my life and I wanted to make sure I wasn't the crazy one lol... even though I do appreciate everyone's opinions (esp yours, you have great stories Blue Castle). I love that one quote, I forget the exact saying, I think the ending was "I want a partner, not a project." Exactly. I don't want a guy I need to teach anything. Although, I do agree you need to teach people how to treat you by having standards and what you will and won't accept, but you shouldn't have to teach someone everything.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    It's not going to get any better. No need for games to get him to chase you. He's not that into you, but this guy is a dud, so he's essentially a waste of a new dress.
    Ha, thank you! I will wear the dress out with someone else! I'm not chasing him, nor playing games to get him to chase me. I've actually been pretty straight forward in asking him for stuff. He hasn't done it of late, so I'm calling it a day. Thank you for saying he's a dud and the waste of a new dress, I agree! :-)

  9. #28
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DaisyMayPorter
    Agreed! Thank you for sharing your experience! He should know better. I hope you are dating someone better now. :-)
    I don't blame him, at all... he was simply enjoying what was being presented to him, and why shouldn't he? If it were me I would do the same.

    At the end of the day this was simply a matter of "girl was more into him than he as into her".

    The guy I am dating now took awhile to show his interest... so I went about living my life... secretly we were both crushing on each other... how we met and started dating is a story for the grand kids if we ever have any, lets just say it's amusing to say the least... what I will say is that he made it clear that he was interested in me, attracted to me, and wanted to date me, and as we have gotten to know each other he has left no doubt as to how he feels about me and that he wants a future with me, and I with him.

    And that, my friend is what we should be waiting for. Is he perfect? Far from it.... neither am I... but as we like to say, we are perfect for each other.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by maew
    I don't blame him, at all... he was simply enjoying what was being presented to him, and why shouldn't he? If it were me I would do the same.

    At the end of the day this was simply a matter of "girl was more into him than he as into her".

    The guy I am dating now took awhile to show his interest... so I went about living my life... secretly we were both crushing on each other... how we met and started dating is a story for the grand kids if we ever have any, lets just say it's amusing to say the least... what I will say is that he made it clear that he was interested in me, attracted to me, and wanted to date me, and as we have gotten to know each other he has left no doubt as to how he feels about me and that he wants a future with me, and I with him.

    And that, my friend is what we should be waiting for. Is he perfect? Far from it.... neither am I... but as we like to say, we are perfect for each other.
    That’s great! Good for you! But see, you also said this new guy took awhile to show his interest, right?

  11. #30
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    This guy doesn't have interest though. The lack of effort suggests that.

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