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Thread: Putting in Effort on a Date

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    . The beginning is supposed to be when things are at their height in excitement and enthusiasm for meeting up. If this mediocrity is all he can muster now, it'll get even worse, not better, as time goes by.
    .
    Agree!! This is why I’m writing to begin with. I want things to be fun and exciting! I deserve so much more than mediocre!

    And you’re right, it will only get worse. He told me and my friends a couple months ago that he keeps meeting bad women. ( I met him through my friend who thinks he is equally lazy and needs to step up his game.) After his marriage I guess he had a very bad rebound relationship and then a couple people that didn’t work out. This is why— he keeps meeting women he can be lazy with end I’m not one of those women.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    To be honest, I would call it a day.

    The beginning of the relationship is when it's supposed to be exciting and everyone on their best behavior. Dates should be where you are picked up for the date, taken out to a nice restaurant, given flowers....all the good stuff.

    He SHOULD be making far more efforts. It wouldn't even take much to send you sweet texts and romantic messages.

    It sounds very lame and if this is as good as it gets, I can't even imagine how much lazier he could possibly get.
    Wait...yes I could.
    I can see him laying back on the couch on Saturday nights with a shirt on that has food down the front of it, drinking a beer, belching loudly and thinking that pinching your butt as you walk by counts as giving you attention.

    Ugh.
    If he can't even be bothered...why should you be?
    Thank you Sherry, I agree!! I want and deserve more!

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DaisyMayPorter
    I do act as if he has all this potential— which I would like to think he does - - but perhaps he doesn’t?
    Potential is, in my opinion, a valueless currency in romance, like trying to use tissue paper as a down payment on a home instead of cash. Sure, when we're 18 or 25 we can get excited about who we think someone might become—like, when we "really" grow up and stop waiting tables. But as full-on grownups? I just think it's a blackhole, a dart hitting the wall instead of the bullseye.

    The only kind of potential that matters is genuinely believing in the potential of what you plus another person can equal. But to go there you kind of have to just be pretty into the other person, as they stand before you, not the degree to which they can be groomed and pruned. You have to like and admire the way a person lives their life, and how you feel living your own alongside them.

    This doesn't sound like that. It sounds like grasping at some very thin threads—less takeout, more cooking—to make up for what you really want, which is some more attentive pizzaz. Even if you could mine that out of him in theory—which I don't think is possible—would you even like "effort" that required Herculean effort of your own to extract?

    You'd end up being too tired to go out in the dress from all the energy spent trying to get him to ask you out. You may already be there, by the sounds of it.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately he seems to be simply looking for convenience. Don't waste your time or compensate this much. The sooner you cut your losses the less mess there will be . Keep in mind he's also closer to his kids mother now and may be busy with that.
    Originally Posted by DaisyMayPorter
    I have been casually dating this guy for a month. The first 3 dates I came to his house and we took walks, talked, etc.
    The first time going out, he had been out with his friend drinking beforehand.
    Last week he moved to the town next to me, he moved there to be closer to his kids.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Unless you like the dynamic, which it sounds like you really don't, then stop wasting any more of your time on this guy.

    He is a grown man. Yes, he knows how to act. He is not some lost clueless damaged sheep in need of fixing. He is showing you who he is and you are also showing him that you are willing to go along with that right off the bat when you agreed to go over his house on the very first date. Huge no no, btw.

    It doesn't matter that his car was wrecked or insert whatever plausible excuse here. He could have postponed the date, he could have gotten a rental, he could have taken an Uber or taxi IF he wanted to, to a nearby restaurant. He didn't. Instead you made yourself convenient and came over and went for a walk. YOU set the tone and you need to learn some boundaries and how to say no thanks.

    He offered you nothing right from the get go, you accepted it. Why do that if that's not your cup of tea? You say that you have standards but your actions show otherwise. Zero standards and zero capacity to enforce them. He wiggled his finger and you ran on over and immediately started making excuses for his crap behavior. That in particular is something you need to stop doing immediately. When someone acts like garbage - that's what it is. No excuses, no whitewashing - your job is observe and reject, not create a narrative in your head that somehow makes garbage behavior better or more palatable. Also, never your job to teach an adult how to act - they KNOW. I'll say this again, because it's that important, adults know exactly what they are doing. If you don't like how they are acting, you walk away immediately.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Potential is, in my opinion, a valueless currency in romance, like trying to use tissue paper as a down payment on a home instead of cash. Sure, when we're 18 or 25 we can get excited about who we think someone might become—like, when we "really" grow up and stop waiting tables. But as full-on grownups? I just think it's a blackhole, a dart hitting the wall instead of the bullseye.

    The only kind of potential that matters is genuinely believing in the potential of what you plus another person can equal. But to go there you kind of have to just be pretty into the other person, as they stand before you, not the degree to which they can be groomed and pruned. You have to like and admire the way a person lives their life, and how you feel living your own alongside them.

    This doesn't sound like that. It sounds like grasping at some very thin threads—less takeout, more cooking—to make up for what you really want, which is some more attentive pizzaz. Even if you could mine that out of him in theory—which I don't think is possible—would you even like "effort" that required Herculean effort of your own to extract?

    You'd end up being too tired to go out in the dress from all the energy spent trying to get him to ask you out. You may already be there, by the sounds of it.
    I like the fact that he's trying to improve himself, albeit in small doses... but I don't want to try too hard to get him to try to hard. (Does that make sense how I said that???) I don't want to be too tired to go out in that dress, I want to feel great when I go out in the dress, and I'd like it to be his idea, I don't want to have to force him, that's no fun and I feel like if I force him, I'll always be wondering if he really likes me. You'd think a guy who has kids, who has been through a bad marriage and bad rebound relationship, that when they finally meet someone nice, they would cherish that person. But as my friend who knows him said, it's not you, it's him.

    Who knows, he could be so downtrodden since he's experienced bad relationships in the past, but that's not my fault and I shouldn't be punished for it. I too was in a bad (abusive) relationship for several years with my daughter's father, but I let myself heal. I was alone for a long time, this is the first time in 6 years I've let myself go on several dates with someone. Maybe he needs to heal himself too.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately he seems to be simply looking for convenience. Don't waste your time or compensate this much. The sooner you cut your losses the less mess there will be . Keep in mind he's also closer to his kids mother now and may be busy with that.
    Thank you Wiseman for your advice! You could be right about looking for convenience. Yes, he is closer to his kids, which I like, being in the same town now as his kids allows him to see them more often, which I think is great. It's a great quality to be a good father. As a single mom myself, whenever I see someone being a great dad, it makes me feel good. As for being closer to his kids' mother, he's not going there. She cheated on him and is now remarried to that guy, that door is closed. It's all for the kids.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Sher that's the best word picture I've had the fun of looking at in quite a while . L.

    "I can see him laying back on the couch on Saturday nights with a shirt on that has food down the front of it, drinking a beer, belching loudly and thinking that pinching your butt as you walk by counts as giving you attention".

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Sher that's the best word picture I've had the fun of looking at in quite a while . L.

    "I can see him laying back on the couch on Saturday nights with a shirt on that has food down the front of it, drinking a beer, belching loudly and thinking that pinching your butt as you walk by counts as giving you attention".
    That was pretty funny! God help me if I'm ever with someone like that lol.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DaisyMayPorter
    I like the fact that he's trying to improve himself, albeit in small doses... but I don't want to try too hard to get him to try to hard. (Does that make sense how I said that???) I don't want to be too tired to go out in that dress, I want to feel great when I go out in the dress, and I'd like it to be his idea, I don't want to have to force him, that's no fun and I feel like if I force him, I'll always be wondering if he really likes me. You'd think a guy who has kids, who has been through a bad marriage and bad rebound relationship, that when they finally meet someone nice, they would cherish that person. But as my friend who knows him said, it's not you, it's him.

    Who knows, he could be so downtrodden since he's experienced bad relationships in the past, but that's not my fault and I shouldn't be punished for it. I too was in a bad (abusive) relationship for several years with my daughter's father, but I let myself heal. I was alone for a long time, this is the first time in 6 years I've let myself go on several dates with someone. Maybe he needs to heal himself too.
    With the right person none of this analysis will exist. Dating is about finding that person, and if you're drifting into this state after 30 days, when the stakes could not be lower, you are generally best to just call a spade a spade rather than figure out the metallic and wooden compounds that make the spade the spade, as there is a stark difference between bliss and security and becoming an expert in gardening tools.

    Imagine, as a thought experiment, that a man was describing you in this tone: a woman who is "trying" to improve, but stumbling. Would you want to be with him, even if his name rhymed with Porge Flooney? It would mean being with a man who saw you—woman, mother, human living a life—as either semi-formed or mutated by experience.

    I have been through a lot in the business of being alive, as has my girlfriend. I have exactly zero interest in her being anyone but who she is, today, and I'm confident that is mutual. There is some "luck" involved in all that, as meeting people is challenging. But there is also discernment. I didn't know that I wanted to be with "her" before I met her, but I knew I wanted to be with someone who lived her life in a way I had no choice but to admire because what was actual was roughly a million times greater than any potential.

    This guy sounds meh, at least in your description. Why invest in meh? Let him find someone who thinks the world of him, as you find that for yourself, no? I get the disappointment, and I get the craving of some kind of personal "reward" for all that hard work in healing, and hoping another person is that reward. Oh, do I! But a potential reward vs an actual reward are two very different things, and you won't even need words or analysis to parse through them because your feelings will write that story.

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