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Thread: Am I really the "wrong" one?

  1. #1
    Member Tomasek12341's Avatar
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    Am I really the "wrong" one?

    Hi!

    First of all, I just joined this forum, so hello all!
    Second, I have this little problem... well, had it for a few months, even years I would say. (I'm sorry for the long text in advance, but I think it's better that I tell you the whole story.)

    So basically the TLDR is: I feel really alone and no matter how positive I try to stay, there's always something or someone who makes me fall back into the same emptiness. And I don't know that after all the things that happened to me, am I the "wrong" one, as in a bad person, or am I that unlucky that I'm always surrounded by people I'm not really compatible with and sooner or later it really shows?

    And the whole story:

    I'd say all of this goes back to elementary school. I was the bullied kid in the class. Sure I had my own style, which they were always criticizing, but I didn't really care about it. I wasn't and I'm still not the kind of person who would always just fight back and make a "mess". It's not my nature. I really hate conflicts.

    I usually was just like "Well... whatever. I'll live through this." And I did. Thanks to my teachers and the more mature people around me. I always felt like talking to "older" people. I could talk with them about literally anything, and I liked talking to them. I always liked to talk to my teachers about things, discuss things... one of my teachers in particular. The IT teacher. That's where my "passion" for technology comes from. I also met my one and only true friend back in that era. (But more on that later)

    Things changed though (still in elementary school) when one day my mother came in and told me that I have to go home, because my grandfather died. I was close to my grandfather, so I took it really hard, especially since you're talking about a 12-13 year old kid. And if that wasn't enough, two weeks later one of my uncles died as well, which I was close to as well. Then two months later my great-grandmother followed him. (I didn't know my great-grandfather, he died way before I was born). And after all these deaths, my parents got divorced as well.
    This was year 2010 for me. And I took it really hard.

    As I look back now, I remember how "closed" I was. By which I mean I wasn't really that talkative little kid anymore. I was a closed book, wearing black- and mostly black clothing. I still do in fact. I just feel more comfortable like this for some reason.

    I would say that changed me a lot. Saying it described my next few years would be true. It described my high school years for sure. But before that, there was one more little "piece" at elementary school, which I think we all remember: our first crush/love.

    I remember it was a year after all those bad things happened to me and my family (they took it really bad as well, so coming home wasn't much of a relief... seeing my grandma and my mother - the only two people who remained in my closest family - was really depressing to say at least). She was beautiful, long brown hair, brown eyes with which she could see right into my soul. Later I discovered that long brown hair and brown eyes are my weakness in general.

    God she was beautiful. And since my confidence was really destroyed (both thanks to my classmates bullying me and the close past events) it took me a lot to "man up" and talk to her and even more to ask her out. That's when the first kick came. She refused. If I remember correctly I was sad, but not for that much. I had one of my classmates helping me get out of it.

    Later though I discovered that this classmate of mine was chatting with my crush all the time and in a way that for example my crush said: "I wouldn't go out with him no matter what he'd do. If he'd stay at school to wait for me, I'd rather sleep here at school and not go home..."

    It was a nice wake-up call. I realized how stupid I was, and I blamed it on me. Funny thing is, that later for the same classmate I became sort of a "mental recycling bin", meaning I helped her forget the bad things in her life and focus on the good things. I also helped her a few times in her relationships... which weirdly even though I never had a relationship before, were really on point (if that's the right phrase).

    So I finished elementary school. This best friend of mine called Viktor helped me through the "change". Since he went to the same school and he was 5 years older than me, when I joined high school, he was a first year student at uni (more of that later). So we never really got the chance to study at the same place at the same time. But he helped me a lot. He told me stories, gave me advices, what to do, what to look out for.

    First year at high school I found out that what he said is either a lie, or he was just really lucky / I am really unlucky. Because it was elementary school all over again. It was better, but it was still a nightmare. Bullies, bad atmosphere. So I followed what I really liked and try not to focus on the everyday things (classmates bullying me, the bad stuff in general). I focused on English, which was my strength at high school and IT.

    I had a classmate which over the first year I really started to like her. (I know, the first mistake was that she was my classmate). When she found out that I like her, the next day all my class was all over me. The boys didn't really give a damn, but the girls were all like "Eeewww, you really think she'd want anything with YOU?!".

    That was another wake-up call. But not for long. Because I became kinda close to another classmate of mine. First I saw her as my friend only. She was smart, cute and I liked being with her. But my emotions f*cked it all up. That was when I made my big mistake: I told her about my feelings for her. What I got from her was this: "Sorry, but I couldn't be with someone like you. Someone who's so "strict" as you, so "limited". You have to let loose. And you're not."

    And fate showed me another middle finger when she went to my (very primitive) former elementary school classmate. And they were a couple for like a month or so. I was happy for the girl to be honest. But I was also sad... That's not where it ended though... oh no.

    Two weeks after they have parted ways, the guy came to me and asked me if I was ever in love... (I had the feeling I could kick the out of him that moment). And then he introduced me to a really nice girl. We started talking and we found out that we like each other. (Now that was a stupid sentence, but I think you know what I mean).

    What happened though was not at all what I expected. After a few weeks, she'd become "cold". Refused to talk to me, or chat with me. She did it in a very obvious way though: She'd tell me that she has no time to chat, and she'd be online and chat with this former classmate of mine for hours and hours. I saw it immediately what's going on, so I thought "Oh ... here we go again."

    A week later, they were together. In fact I think they were together for a few years... Good for them.

    And that's when I started to focus on other things for a long time (two years in fact). I was trying to get out of my little "bubble" and try new things, things I might like, things I might talk about to others. So I did. I started doing many things at once. Tried making songs, because I really liked music (FL-Studio), tried designing in different apps, which stayed 'till today. Read many books. Some "cliche" ones as well (I've read Harry Potter 7x for example).

    But it didn't really help. There was noone in my life except Viktor, my best friend. That all changed though when I joined the course for driving's license. I met a girl, Bianca who was two years younger than me and I didn't really notice her before, even though she went to the same school as me. We became friends really quickly. I was good at driving, so eventually I taught her some things, mainly for the tests. That's when I "learnt" how to talk to the ladies. (Or so I thought)

    After a few weeks/months we became close to the point where we talked every day and once per week (because of her schedule) we went out to a place and spent the afternoon together. She told me that she really likes me. I took it as a good sign. But that would've been too good to be true. So one day we were talking and I discovered that all this time she had a boyfriend, who was however blackmailing her. She was with him because of money and the guy was with her because of sex. (Some might say it's the ideal combination)

    So I talked to her about this, how she sees the future. Because we really liked each other, so I wanted to be sure. She told me that because of the situation we can't be... anything. I understood that, and I didn't want to lose her as my friend. So I went on. We continued in going out, talking to each other, having some nice evenings. I really enjoyed being near her. (Also she had long brown hair and brown eyes... which funny enough I only really realized after a few weeks of talking to her)

    Things went south later when she started to flirt with me all the time on phone. But when we'd go out and spend together an afternoon, she'd become "cold". I was like "Okay, this is weird, but I'll move with it". But after some time it became really weird. Because she knew that I might still have feelings for her (because we talked about it from time to time), but she still started to send me pictures of her and her boyfriend after sex. So I asked her why is she doing this. To which I didn't really get an answer. She continued to send those kind of pictures to me though. So eventually I told her to stop. She didn't take it very well for some weird reason.

    Once she moved to college, she stopped responding to me altogether. And to that, we had a fight with Viktor, so as it stands now I didn't see him for over a year. And I don't know if we will ever talk again.

    Now I know this is very long already, but there's only two things I want to tell you. First involves Viktor and the other one would be my current state and then I swear I'll shut up...

    So the fight we had with Viktor was really silly. It wasn't really a fight to be completely honest. The thing is, he became really famous at university. He went to Railroad Engineering, which he liked and he really liked going to uni and studying there, and spending time there. All I heard from that time (I was in high school then) is how good uni will be. So I obviously got some nice expectations. I thought that university will be finally different from the previous schools, that it will change my life - for the better.

    And because he was so famous at uni and because of all the good things happening to him every week, I started to envy him. I knew it was a bad thing, but I was just "desperate" to finally be somewhere, to have people around me who like me and don't try to f*uck up each of my days. After all this, I had real problems talking to girls, my confidence was lost. I really thought that there's something really wrong with me, because I usually saw what you'd call "lovely couples" around me, even younger than me. Viktor was also having a nice time, yet I was all alone, not just relationship-wise. Viktor started to focus more on uni and the uni life, uni friends...

    All of this got to the point where literally almost every night I had "nightmares" where I went with Viktor into some bar, or some good place to just chill, have some beer or something... Eventually some girls would come to our table and they'd start talking to Viktor. And no matter what I did, no matter if I started shouting, noone noticed me. Not Viktor, not the girls, not anyone in that bar. I felt like I'd be a ghost. Other times I'd lie in Viktor's apartment reading a book (I've been there a few times), and he'd just get back from somewhere with a woman next to him. And the moment they'd see me, they'd start laughing at me in a "Look at you...". The "mocking" kind of laugh.

    I would have these nightmares every night, sometimes even twice per night. I just couldn't take it anymore, so I told Viktor that I'm sorry, but I need some alone-time. I told him about these nightmares and he understood. But after 2 weeks he became mad. But I just couldn't... Every time I saw him these nightmares and the thoughts would come back. And eventually I couldn't find him anymore. And we basically stopped caring for each other. That was a year ago. Nothing since.

    So eventually I closed up again, but I still had hopes that university will change it. I still had hope that Viktor's words were true. That I would finally meet people who would like me as I am, that I won't have to change every day into something the others like, and just forget what I truly am. Who I truly am.

    And guess what? It was high school all over again. Better for sure. I was more free. But it eventually became the new place where I don't want to be at. I do have some friends, but I just don't like this place in general. I went to the same major as Viktor thinking it'd be good. That I will like it. At first I really did, it was interesting. But now I'm in third grade and I just don't want to go forward.

    I don't have any goals. The usual "I will finish school, get a job and live a life" is fading away slowly. I don't want to do this anymore. First year I tried to be as open as I could. I am an introvert person by nature, but I tried to be as much extrovert as I could. I went to parties, went to pubs, just tried to communicate with people, tried to get some friends. It backfired horribly. I have my roommates, most of them are really egoists and think they're better than anyone else. I got a closer friend, but he's really not good at manners and he's trying to abuse my kindness every chance he gets. I don't let him, but it's really f*cked up, that he's a good person to talk to, but he can be a pain in the ass.

    I didn't get any real friends at uni even though I was trying really hard. All my so called friends (and roommates) are my classmates. I'm starting to hate the major I chose and myself for choosing it. For being naive that uni will change things, that when I try hard I will be able to change things. But nothing really worked out as I thought and hoped it would.

    I'm not saying I want to be as famous as Viktor was... or famous at all. All I wanted is people who like me as I am and don't try to ruin my day. The other thing is that I'm really bad at knowing/seeing sarcasm. And I never know if the insults I get daily from my roomates are really insults or I should take them as a joke. People shat on me for quite some time, so I don't even know anymore if they're really doing it on purpose or just...

    Why do people have to show me that they're above me? Why can't we be on the same goddamn level and just live together? Why does there have to be these insults every day? And no matter if you're doing good or not, they'll find something to make you feel bad about yourself. To feel bad about that you exist in the first place.

    Lately I have these kind of "feelings". Sort of like the "butterflies" in your stomach, but quite the opposite in feeling. Not a good feeling, but a bad feeling. It comes when poeple strat to on me. Or when something bad happens to me. Nowadays it's enough when I see others being happy around me, when I hear people laughing and having a good time outside my block (dorm). And it's all there. My stomach is upside down. And I just want to hide and cry like a little baby...

    So far I've been holding up good. I'm trying to hide my true feelings, because nobody gives a flying about it, and some of them are the ones causing it, so... But I don't know how much I can hold it. I have this terrible fear from time to time, that I will wake up one day to that I am 30 years old, alone, and nobody wants me because of the lack of experience (talking about girls).

    Also people around me for some reason like to talk to me like I'd be below them especially because of this - the fact that I never had a girl despite me being 21 years old. The typical situation would be: they start talking about relationship stuff, sex and whatnot... and then they look at me and say "Oh you don't know about this HAHAHA".

    Sometimes I was really thinking about leaving all of this behind - suicide. But I still have two people in my life - my mother and my grandmother. Though sometimes when I'm down I'm like "Hell... the moment they go away (which is unfortunately inevitable), I'm going after them. I don't want to stay in this hole."


    Now to sum this up, you know the full story basically. Or the parts which are really important. I'm sorry again for the really damn long text, but I just wanted to let it all out as they say...
    I don't know what to do. I'm trying to focus again on the things I like, the things I enjoy doing. Some internet "friends" are helping me get through it... even if it means I can talk to them about what I like, what I enjoy... my hobbies. That's a big help as well. Because at uni everyone's like... "Sorry, I don't care about this."

    Now what bothers me for a long time now is that am I really this unlucky, or is there something really wrong with me? I'm not asking you this, it's just a rhetorical question. But like... I really don't know where to next.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Who do you want to be? The first step is for you to sort that out and then pursue that. What you've done so far is pursue Viktor's life....but you aren't him and he isn't you. You need to figure YOUR interests, YOUR passions, who and what you want to be. Put that as your first priority.

    Don't be hard on yourself, because what you are going through is what a lot of people go through during college - growing up, changing, realizing that whatever ideas they had coming in aren't really working out and they need to seek out who they really are and what they really want. In short, you are very much normal. In short, stop chasing after friends and people's approval and sort yourself out first. Who are you, who do you want to be, what do you actually want to do for a living, etc. Once you find your passion and SHOW it, then similar people will be drawn to you. You have to work out your own identity and uni is the time for that.

    Hope that makes sense for you.

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    Member Tomasek12341's Avatar
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    It makes sense. I just don't know where to start. I'm studying Railroad Engineering. That's a little bit different from IT and Design (the two things I like).

    Funny thing is, the IT faculty at the same school I am today took me in without entrance exams. Railroad Engineering didn't. Yet I'm here and I chose this. You got the point there for pursuing something else...

    I've been thinking a lot about what I want to be, what I want to achieve in life, and I still have no idea. I would like to work in the design space. UI design mainly. But I'm not that good at it. It's like... I need some inspiration every time I make something. I have a Deviantart page if you want to see the things I made so far...

    And yeah, I'm always kind of hard on myself. Even when I'm good at something and I did something good, or I achieved something, I'm like "Well, there's a lot of people who did this, so no big deal."

    But I don't know if I could do it permanently. I will finish this uni, since I've started it. I have to go through it because of various reasons... But then I have no idea what next.

  4. #4
    Member Tomasek12341's Avatar
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    And also this is what scares me. "Uni is the time for that"... But what if I run out of time?

    I've been trying to find what I like for like 5 years now (maybe even more) and I'm still searching furiously.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You might be frustrated that you're falling behind with women and your schooling and that's normal. Keep on learning. This is a very confusing time for many people who are still in school, learning and growing. Where is your father, do you mind me asking? Is there anyone else besides Victor who is counselling or guiding you at home or have you spoken to any of your university undergraduate advisers/academic counsellors? Who is helping you pay for university education? Is university free for individuals who are accepted in uni in Slovakia? Find some grounding and learn to find some strength in yourself, even if you don't have anyone else around you. University is not only a time to be getting your education but it's a good place to start thinking for yourself.

    I wouldn't pay attention to your egoistic room/dormmates and nonsense people who are rude or groups that are exclusive and uninviting. There are always individuals like that wherever you go and it's a good snapshot into your workplace or many workplaces when you start working and in all areas in life. Don't worry so much about the wrong things or the wrong people. They should have no bearing on who or what you are.

    Your biggest priority is not wasting your time and your opportunities in university. Learn to pick the right people, including women. At that age, a lot of young women (who are in the right head space and are intelligent and forward-thinking) will not be wanting to commit or date. It's the same thing for young women looking for the right men (young men) - it's difficult because the serious young men are busy studying and making something of themselves. All of you are still finding yourselves and learning things. Finding friendly and genuine people to be around with takes luck and time. Don't hedge your bets on it either. Just continue with your education and partake in hobbies that you enjoy. You may meet more like-minded people while pursuing your interests outside of class instead of in class or in school.

  7. #6
    Member Tomasek12341's Avatar
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    Well. After the divorce we've been meeting with my father a few times... but as it stands now, I haven't seem him for 9 years now (9 years and a month to be precise). And as for Viktor. Haven't seen or heard of him for a year. So right now I have only two people in my life who I can talk to without worrying for that I told them too much or that the subject is not really something I can discuss with them - my grandmother and my mother. But that's also not easy, because of that somehow my grandma and mom hate each other. (It's a long and difficult/complicated story).

    As for the university payments... 5 years of university education is free - paid by the country/state - which means that if you do everything in time (which I already failed btw, I'm repeating a year), then it's free. If you slip out of time, then you pay whatever the actual uni wants for payment per semester/year.

    Believe me, I've been thinking about myself more than uni. I take uni as a place where I get my diplom, which will be basically the paper for me that I can get a semi-decent job. But I mainly focus on myself. I'm still trying to find things I like. I'm pursuing my "dreams" you could say. The technology side and the design side. (Tomasek12341 on Deviantart if you would want to see where I stand now... though it's not a big deal so far). I have my own personal little projects where I can just "turn off" and chill. And not think about the everyday things.

    I hear what you say, but it's really hard not to listen to them, when you hear the same thing every day... One of my roommates can be nice, I share some things with him. But sometimes it's just... really out of hand.

    Finding people to talk to in general is really hard for me. I'm not the kind of person who would just go into a bar and find a group and talk to them. I can't talk to people... I really suck at it. Don't take this as self-pity, but like if you know a person who has no confidence, multiply that by at least a hundred. I never know what to talk about, and I always worry what do they think about me. Mainly because literally every person I had in my life so far and thought of them that they're worth it, that I'm glad I have them in my life, left me.

    Literally each one. A few people from elementary school - haven't heard of them for a long time now. Same goes for high school. And even the internet friends kinda stopped responding or told me to off. I lost my one true friend (Viktor) whom I've known for 13 years. And now I feel like I'm just a paper dumpling getting tossed from here to there on the street...

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    Member Tomasek12341's Avatar
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    And as for the girls/women... I don't even know where to start. Kindness didn't really help, because the few of them who I had the chance to talk to thought I just want to them... which isn't really my intention. I'm looking for more than just that. But I guess I'm going at it the wrong way.

    Sometimes I'm just like: "Well, whatever... I'll die alone anyway. It'd be a shame to die as having no partner in your life though..."

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    Member Tomasek12341's Avatar
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    And like every time I met a group or was invited outside by some people I felt like I'm left out, that they just invited me out from decency. And I feel like they're thinking "Oh, he's here... why?"

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    Heya

    I agree with DancingFool

    Right now you are very outward-focused. You are looking around for validation from others - from your elementary school crush, to another crush, to friends, etc. You want others to show and prove to you that you are ę worthy Ľ. That is a never-ending pursuit and unfortunately you will never achieve that (no one can - not even celebrities - there will always be ę haters Ľ). What you need to do is find that validation from within. To love yourself, to walk your own path and to heck with what people think. Itís YOUR life - no one elseís - and their opinion doesnít matter. You have to find - and make - your own happiness.

    A very hard lesson in life is that life is very transient. People come. People go. Some die. Some move on to other things. Change is constant and a given - whether you want it or not. Such is life. Itís hard sometimes for sure - but it also brings with it opportunity.

    Dating kind of falls into the same principles . You need to know yourself and love yourself before someone else will follow. And really - if you go talk to older people - I think you would be very hard pressed to find people who fell in love with and married their first crush from elementary school. MOST people (men and women alike) go through dozens if not hundreds of rejections. It says nothing about their worth as a person. It only says something about that particular compatibility.

    My advice to you is to find resilience. Resilience in the face of rejection. Self-love, self-confidence and wisdom to know things will keep changing. And to find your own path. Iím pretty sure the rest will follow.

    FWIW - Iím pretty sure someone like Bill Gates would have been bullied and rejected a lot when he was younger too. Find your path and your validation from within.

  11. #10
    Member Tomasek12341's Avatar
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    That was a really nice reply. Thank you! :)

    Well... it was just very hard to think about yourself as a good person, think about your positive features, when you're listening your whole life that you shouldn't be like your father... you should change this and that about yourself. Sometimes it's just hard to keep up with that, no matter what you do people will find something... something that they don't like on you. And if you're closed in a room, or you have to meet those people almost every day... it can be a pain in the ass.

    And thinking about what you said... I really don't know what to like or love about myself. It's been oppressed for so long that I don't even know what my good features might be. Other than being kind and friendly. What all these past events made me do is focus on the negatives on me and try to change them and correct them. But at the same time I forgot about the positive things.

    And now it's really hard to find them. Because I compared myself to others in the past. And if I found something I could be better at (better than I was, not better than others were), I was trying to change that. And I spent basically my whole life with that. And now I'm like "What am I even good at?"

    I'm good at designing (some say), I also know a lot about tech (some say), but I don't take it as big deal, and I don't talk about those things too much. Because where I am right now, if I mention these two things, I get the "Okay, looks cool" or "Okay, whatever" and that's the end of it. But when they talk about trains and transportation (since I'm studying that) I should be paying attention and then express my amazement of their knowledge thoroughly...

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