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Thread: I'm torn

  1. #1

    I'm torn

    Now I am not even sure how to start this off, but I'll give it a shot. I've been with my girlfriend now for over 4 years, we are both 30 years old, and I love her dearly. I sit here writing this in a coffee shop with a heavy pit in my stomach. I can't help but feeling like something is missing. I have this longing, this yearning that won't go away and it causes me great misery and sadness. A absolutely beautiful woman came into the coffee shop to pick up her order and for some reason, it just broke my heart... let me back track...

    My relationship is one where we've broken up many times. Just last week I almost broke up for good... again. For the longest time I've been so torn, not able to be 100% in the relationship. I think the idea of wanting to try dating again has loomed in me for the longest time. I feel so guilty about it because the woman I am with is great, but sometimes I feel like... maybe I just suck at being alone. I do not talk to either of my parents, none of my siblings and have very few friends. The only people I've truly had for a while now is my girlfriend and her family. Without them, life seems dreadfully empty. Sometimes I can't tell if its my relationship I am unhappy with or just my life or both. Sometimes I feel like an ass because my woman can feel my one foot out and maybe I'm just too much of a selfish coward to let go and truly be alone. I have no one else I can rely on. I live in an rv on the side of the road and when I am alone... I really feel it. I also, think maybe there's a part of me that knows im getting older and I want to have more experiences and am not ready to call it a marriage at this point.

    Back to the woman who entered the coffee shop. That feeling I got when she walked in and sat down, it put a pit in my stomach but why? Maybe because I wish I could talk to her, I imagine what shed be like? Is she adventerous, sweet, funny? What if I went to say hello? It's these thoughts that get me excited, but also tear me apart. It's a terrible craving. Maybe I'm bored in my relationship. I want to be around new energy, new energies, new converations, new sex, new everything. If you can't tell by now I'm a mess and I'm sorry if my words are a caucophony of confusing rambling. I just don't know what to do and I'm tired of feeling the things I feel. I just want to be happy.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    The cure to loneliness is to build the life for yourself that you actually want, rather than settle for crumbs. So what's stopping you from making some friends, finding some satisfaction in your life? You can't be a good partner to anyone else when you aren't being a good partner to yourself.

    It sounds like you are craving what's absolutely normal - human interaction, friends, connections. So go get it.

  3. #3
    Well, I try to but for some reason, it just doesn't pan out. I am a videographer and photographer, I try to put myself out there but it seems like whenever I do there's no reciprocity. Maybe I lack awareness as to why people don't want to hang out with me. I will literally say hey let's get together sometime and I hear crickets chirping. The friends I do have are either ALWAYS too busy or we only hang out in very circumstantial capacity and its very frustrating.

  4. #4
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    Hi

    It sounds like with the on and off of your relationship you feel youíve settled with your current girlfriend.

    Itís not a good sign itís been on and off. I think you wanting to connect with the woman at the coffee shop shows your settling with your girlfriend as well.

    The problem with settling for something is it will never be enough.

    Sure you feel safe and know what to expect being with her.

    But this is a time to be brave because youíre hurting your girlfriend by doing this. Who wants to be just someone somebody settles with?

    Your girlfriend deserves someone who genuinely knows she makes his world spin.

    You got this and you know being alone is scary but it can be exciting! You get to date and reconnect with who you are again.

    Please stop leading her on and let her go.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bambuukidd
    Well, I try to but for some reason, it just doesn't pan out. I am a videographer and photographer, I try to put myself out there but it seems like whenever I do there's no reciprocity. Maybe I lack awareness as to why people don't want to hang out with me. I will literally say hey let's get together sometime and I hear crickets chirping. The friends I do have are either ALWAYS too busy or we only hang out in very circumstantial capacity and its very frustrating.
    Try meetup.com. Also, try meeting people through activities that interest you - sports, hobbies. It's much much easier to connect with people that way and find friends who are actually up for doing things together.

    Btw, it may well be how you communicate. "let's get together sometime" is kind of a brush off vague phrase. If you want for people to do something with you, you need to be specific. Like "hey there is a band playing that we all like this Sat, are you free to go see it with me at 9pm at x venue." The former doesn't really give anything to respond to, the latter is a concrete plan.

    There is also time of life. People your age are busy with work, building a family, etc, etc, etc - so again all the more reason to expand your social circle. Like on Sunday afternoon, I play soccer with the team and then we go grab some beers. On Wed, I have this group of people to do this with. From there, you will become more close friends with some people where an invitation to do other social things becomes more natural. However, you kind of have to diversify.

    When we were kids, one or two friends could meet all our needs, because we all were always available. However, that dynamic changes later in life and you have to think more outside of that to meet your social needs.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Dancing Fool said iI perfectly... it sounds like you arenít really investing time in yourself or are relying on others to help motivate you. You need to be the one to find opportunities to fulfill your needs. If you are doing things you enjoy, friendships will happen organically as people get to know you.

  8. #7
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    I am in the situation that your gf is in, my bf of 6 years has broken up with me and he said the exact same things you are saying just now, he felt on and off for over a year and told me something is missing I am heartbroken but it is not fair to be with your gf if you feel like this. She deserves to know as my bf didnt communicate with me, it's best to tell her if you want to end it and not give her false hope.

  9. #8
    Originally Posted by LSL
    I am in the situation that your gf is in, my bf of 6 years has broken up with me and he said the exact same things you are saying just now, he felt on and off for over a year and told me something is missing I am heartbroken but it is not fair to be with your gf if you feel like this. She deserves to know as my bf didnt communicate with me, it's best to tell her if you want to end it and not give her false hope.
    It's incredibly hard because I do love her, I would die for her... I genuinely love this woman but at the same time the other part of me is just aching. It's gotta be the worst in feeling. I wish I could just be happy and want to settle it down. Really makes me hate myself. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

  10. #9
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    I think you need to go with what your gut tells you and not let it drag out any longer because it is only going to hurt her in the long run

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Stop stringing this woman along. Stop blaming her for your problems. Fix your life, that's the real problem. Would coffee shop girl talk to you if she knew you live in an rv and have a gf? Stop living in a fantasy-land and expecting your gf to provide a life for you.
    Originally Posted by bambuukidd
    I can't tell if its my relationship I am unhappy with or just my life or both. I live in an rv on the side of the road

    I'm bored in my relationship. I want to be around new energy, new energies, new converations, new sex, new everything.

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