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Thread: Bf split up suddenly out the blue after 6 years

  1. #1
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    Bf split up suddenly out the blue after 6 years

    I was looking for advice my bf of 6 years who I was saving for a house with split up with me the day after my 30th birthday after surprising me on my birthday with a trip away and lots of gifts. I am absolutely devastated as I had no clue anything was wrong, he told me he is not interested anymore and would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me. Has anyone went through this before and how did they cope? I feel my whole world has collapsed

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    I'm very sorry, OP. What a horrible shock.

    You say you had no clue anything was wrong, which could indeed be true. But for context, how had your relationship been over the years? Were you already living together? How did the break-up happen, exactly?

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry to hear about this.

    I haven't quite been in this situation, though one of my hardest breakups did come "out of the blue" after three years together. I put that in quotes because while it felt that way to me, I don't think it's ever that simple. People rarely "suddenly" decide to end things, but have either swallowed down concerns for a long time or tried to discuss them in a way that wasn't productive. Without knowing more about your story, I won't make any assumptions, though I'm curious how things were between you leading up to this. Were you happy? Did you have concerns? Did you ever get a sense, even faint, that he was struggling?

    Again, I'm really sorry about all this. I was 33 when I was in your shoes. I coped by flailing for a bit and allowing myself time to feel and heal, leaning on trusted friends and family, almost like a marathon runner dealing with a broken leg. You have no choice but to rest. As strength returned, I worked to rebuild my life with greater intention. I moved cities, bought a home, reengaged with my work from a new angle, and discovered a lot of pursuits that gave me a deeper sense of self and security than I'd known. Though I've always been fiercely independent, it was not easy, so I can't sugarcoat it. But I can genuinely say, looking back, that it was a vital time in my life.

    You've found a site where people will listen to you, and offer whatever help they can. So know you have ears to hear whatever you want to share.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Do you live at home? Or do you live together now? Were you both saving up for the future? How on board was he with that? Are you still in touch? Did he meet someone recently?
    Originally Posted by LSL
    I was looking for advice my bf of 6 years who I was saving for a house with. I had no clue anything was wrong, he told me he is not interested anymore and would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me.

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    I'm so sorry to hear this!!! I hope he can give you more information. Please take care of yourself.

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    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I am really sorry this happened. Geez It is a shock. I have been shocked by break ups. It's a lot to process. I imagine you will need to fall apart a little. You know? Lean on your closest family and friends right now. Get a lot of sleep, drink a lot of water. Maybe go stay with a friend, if you live alone or with your bf. 6 years is a long time and I imagine no matter what was happening, you deserved more than he just doesn't want to be with you anymore. Like what is that? 6 years and he just decides like that? Very mean.

    You're gonna go through a lot of emotions-- just like a death. You are going to want him to come back. You might wish he died instead of breaking up. I know that sounds awful. I went through that.... And I felt somewhat vindicated when the same thought was uttered on the Netflix show Grace & frankie. Watch that.. It really shows the devastation and coping mechanisms we go through with loss.

    It takes a lot of time and you will need to be patient with yourself as you navigate through this to your next phase of life. Be assured no matter what, there is another a phase and that will come. Right now, take care of you. Try not to drink alcohol it's such a depressant. It will make you feel worse. Keep posting here. Start a journal. Talk to therapist. Talk to your friends and family.


    Hang in there. This too shall pass.

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    My heart goes out to you. Age 30 is a big milestone birthday into 'real' adulthood. It likely signaled for the guy that he's not ready to be 'that' adult with you. Buying a house is a big step. What was the reason that the two of you stayed together for 6 years and planned such a step without having gotten married somewhere along the line?

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    Thanks for the support, we had been looking at houses etc and we were living at his parents house most of the time while we saved and everything seemed fine we had just been on holiday and his 30th was two weeks before he split with me and I took him away for a fancy overnight stay decorated his house with banners etc and got a cake specially made to take to the venue and he said he loved me so much and no one had ever done anything like that for him and on the week of my birthday I didnt see anything coming as he was spending time with my family and seemed happy etc and the day after my birthday he just burst out crying and said he didnt want to be with me anymore and that something was missing and that he lost interest in me and that he thinks I'm naive which isnt true and that we didnt have the same interests which is also false, I asked him can we not work through it and he said he had made his mind up, so I'm utterly devastated I just hope I find happiness again one day as this has shattered my confidence, we had talked about marriage over the years and he said one day we would get married, I did ask him if there was anyone else and he said he doesnt speak to anyone else which I believe as hes not that type of person but I'm still to this day so confused and hurt and I'm now blaming myself as maybe I should change who I am. He has also told me he has been struggling with his decision and that he still loves me and misses me but he does not want to get back together with me, thinking of it now there has been some times over the last few months where he has been a bit distant or less affectionate but other than that things were good

  10. #9
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    That really sucks. Do you think it's possible that he has met someone and has been thinking about it for a while? Maybe the trip and gifts were a way to get rid of his guilt?

    I can't think of anything else that would cause him to blindside you like this.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    You don't need to change who you are beyond your belief that someone who would dangle marriage 'one day' in front of you for 6 years without ever proposing really had any credibility.

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