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Thread: Bf split up suddenly out the blue after 6 years

  1. #51
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    When I hear all that, sitting here in the emotionally safe bleacher seats, I hear a very immature man. I hear a man who, for all your history and feelings, is so far from having the stuff in him that you need from a man, and deserve. I say that not to make you feel better or demonize him , but to help you, I hope, see it all more clearly as you feel what you need to feel.

    Pain is not permanent. That’s the weirdest part, as it feels so permanent. Broken bones always heal, as do broken hearts. But just as it’s important to “set” the bone so it heals well, instead of into some wobbly shape, it’s important to “set” the heart in the right framework.

    Blaming yourself is a “bad” cast for healing, so to speak, as is blaming him, in the long run. But seeing him for who he genuinely is right now—a man who doesn’t have what you need, as if he did you wouldn’t be feeling any of this—is a “good” cast. It’s more honest, for starters, and will tend to your heart in a way that strengthens it and prepares it to open again.

  2. #52
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    My jaw dropped to the floor when he said all that to my face and I keep thinking it over and over in my head, last year when he said that the spark had gone a bit I tried so hard to be positive I planned lots of date nights I planned romantic trips away did everything I could to make it work as last year he did the exact same thing to me, we had been on a night out the night before with friends he had a great time then the next day dropped that on me also without any signs etc

  3. #53
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LSL
    My jaw dropped to the floor when he said all that to my face and I keep thinking it over and over in my head, last year when he said that the spark had gone a bit I tried so hard to be positive I planned lots of date nights I planned romantic trips away did everything I could to make it work as last year he did the exact same thing to me, we had been on a night out the night before with friends he had a great time then the next day dropped that on me also without any signs etc
    It takes TWO people to make a relationship work. You did all those things, but what did he do besides nothing????? All he did was got you to turn yourself inside out for him while he enjoyed the benefits and attention, but did he work on things?

    Look, nobody gets to say "the spark is gone" and then do nothing about it. You either split up or you BOTH work on bringing the spark back. In your case, only one of you was working, the other was taking.......and....again I suspect that was a large part of your relationship dynamic. You gave, he took. It was not an equal, giving relationship.

    On that note, your giving personality and tendency to self blame is dangerous for you. It attracts users and predators. Food for thought. (Not saying your ex is that, more just be more aware. Self flagellation is not a good trait to have.)

  4. #54
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    I suffer from anxiety and every time I saw him I always made sure I was so positive and he did make a wee bit of effort but any time that he maybe seemed off or quiet I used to automatically panic and think oh no this is happening to me again, sorry to talk alot on here I've just been blaming myself over the past few weeks after the things that have been said, over the past six years he has treated me so well but I just cant believe the way it has ended and how he done it

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  6. #55
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Again LSL, therein lies the heart of the matter.

    "I planned lots of date nights I planned romantic trips away did everything I could to make it work "

    Again, DancingFool has hit the nail on the head about the self-flagellation.

    Please get help in addressing your anxiety, LSL. Anxiety is a shockingly bad advisor.l

  7. #56
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    I have started going to counselling to get support and try change my mind set that I am not all those things he said I am

  8. #57
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    I wonder will he regret it one day? I just hope I find happiness again with someone who loves me for me and doesnt pick out my flaws

  9. #58
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Have you always been anxious or did you become anxious while dating this guy?

  10. #59
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    I suffered with anxiety before I met him but I think my anxiety got worse because I was constantly worrying after he said last year that the spark was gone so I was terrified to lose him and now weve split my anxiety is really bad because I constantly think what could I have done to change or make him happy

  11. #60
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    This is awful LSL. "Terrified to lose him".

    None of that terror would exist in a healthy relationship.

    He did a right number on you, and saw you coming so to speak.

    The therapy you are attending is to find a way to alleviate your anxiety, NOT to become someone else. You are not those things he said. Huge anxiety yes. People pleaser, no doubt yes.

    Everyone has flaws. But anxiety is an illness.

    When you are in a healthy place you will attract healthy people, not users and predators. But I think you know there is a considerable amount of work to be done before you reach that state.

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