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Thread: Bf split up suddenly out the blue after 6 years

  1. #21
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    Thank you I am trying so hard to be strong and positive but I am struggling alot and I keep thinking and overthinking every little detail to see if there Is anything I could have done to change myself but my friends and family said there is nothing to change as I havent done anything wrong

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    I am very sorry for your loss. It sounds like the relationship had run its course and, sadly, it was not meant to to get to the next level. He did not mean to lead you on. He probably did think long and hard before breaking up. He did not tell you about it because it probably was not something specific you did. It was him having changed. People change. He took a life inventory and sadly you did not make the cut. Sadly it happens all the time.

    You need to stop blaming yourself. It was not you. It was him. HE changed. You need to give yourself time to grieve the loss of your relationship. For that you need to go no contact from him. He cannot take your pain away because he is the source of it.

    Please try not to take whatever he says about you from the break up on at heart. At this point, he is creating an internal narrative to help himself detach,feel better and move on. In order to do that he may come back crying and say all kinds of confusing things that may give you false hope or make you feel inadequate. In reality, it's guilt and self-pity. Try not to take anything he says personally. You did the best you could but it takes two to tango. He tried for a year and he still couldn't see himself being with you for the rest of his life. Imo, there was nothing you could have done to prevent that. People change and that can tear a relationship apart. He changed.
    Last edited by Clio; 11-10-2019 at 11:41 PM.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I'm terribly sorry LSL.

    Unfortunately, I've heard your story so many times before especially among family and friends.

    I've heard it from a guy's point of view in particular and this is what they've told me: They said they got cold feet, not ready for a serious legal commitment such as marriage, some of them said they didn't know if they ever wanted children and didn't want to be tied down to a wife nor risk financial loss should the relationship, marriage, real estate investment or whatever should go awry. They're scared. Not that it's an excuse but your BF is not mature nor ready for real life with you. He's basically running away.

    There is another plan for you and your life. He's NOT the one. You have a different destiny even though you can't see it now.

    Give yourself time to grieve and mourn this breakup. Let time heal your old wounds someday.

    You're still young at age 30. You'll eventually venture out, meet new people and discover it's a great big world out there for you. There is a better man out there for you and you will find happiness again.

    Have self confidence because nothing is more attractive than self confidence.

  4. #24
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    Thank you for all the kind words I'm just so devastated after all these years, I havent spoken to him in over a week now and i just want to message him but I know that's not the right thing to do he has made his mind up but I wonder if he is even upset or caring about the split

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  6. #25
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I recently left a serious relationship and it seemed “out of the blue” to my girlfriend. There was no other woman, though I had been wresting with a general fear that I may not be able to remain faithful In the long run due to very limited time together with her. (Some geographic distance between us, work schedule, both full-time parents.)

    The reason I’m sharing this is that he may have thought it was truly the kindest thing to leave...out of care and respect for you. Of COURSE he struggled with the decision...and maybe the reason he didn’t go into tons of detail was that he had already made up his mind and thought “ripping the bandaid off” was better than a long, arduous analysis and drawn out “hopeful that we can work it out” period.

    I’m sorry this is happening right now. May you find comfort and the strength to make healthy choices for yourself moving forward through a painful time.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LSL
    Thank you for all the kind words I'm just so devastated after all these years, I havent spoken to him in over a week now and i just want to message him but I know that's not the right thing to do he has made his mind up but I wonder if he is even upset or caring about the split
    Thank you for your gracious words, LSL. I know you feel that you've wasted 6 years of your life and gave it your all. I've heard the same thing from women, too. No one enjoys being dumped and rejected. It is so painful to be unwanted and realize a man stopped short of giving his life to you and had no intentions to love you in the most honorable, sincere way.

    Even though you do not see it today nor for a long time, someday you'll realize that he did you huge favor by releasing you, letting you go and not wanting you to waste your time on him anymore.

    Don't message him. He wants to move on and his message to you is to do the same. Don't wonder if he's upset or cares about the split. He does NOT care about the split nor is he upset. He doesn't want anything to do with you because it was HIS decision to leave you. As painful as this is to accept, you need a cold, harsh reality check.

    Many men are immature, not ready to settle down, don't want to be told what to do by a wife (not told but have expectations), don't want to feel tied down and prefer their freedom. They want to come and go as they please, not have to constantly answer up to a woman or wife, tired of endless electronic correspondence (texting) and they want to spend time with their friends often. They prefer to have 'free bird' status. They also fear huge monetary loss should there be a future divorce. To them, marriage is far too risky! They also know the seriousness of marriage from his parents or fears divorce from his parents. For many men, marriage is simply too daunting for them. Women want the white picket fence and security whereas men don't want to envision themselves as their father pushing a lawnmower on a Saturday afternoon.

    He only loved you based upon conditions and convenience. When the true test of possibly spending his life with you with marriage, he bolted. In this regard, you need to both respect his decision and disrespect that he wasn't willing to give his entire life to you. Looking at the negatives will make you feel stronger and smarter.

    In many ways, you need to look at the silver lining or this blessing in disguise. If a man is mismatched for you, it's better to dissolve the relationship now as opposed to enduring a nasty, very ugly, financially crippling divorce later. Look at it that way. He's preventing a lot of trouble for both of you later down the road.

    Give yourself time to grieve, mourn the loss of your ex, your relationship and then gradually learn to appreciate starting fresh in your life. Savor your alone time and surround yourself with moral people. Your day in the sun will come again. Hang in there. Be strong, brave, tough and resilient.

    Your ex wasn't meant to be. There is someone better than him who will treat you with respect and honor. Good things happen to those who wait as my mother used to say. Patience is key. In the meantime, immerse yourself into what you enjoy such as alone time, hobbies, sports, fitness, eat smart, read good books (from your local library), tap into your intellectual pursuits, be with honorable people and you will find peace from within.

  8. #27
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Sorry that you are dealing with this OP, it must be very difficult.

    Like Skeptic, I will give you a male perspective, maybe it will help. I broke up with my ex following an 18-month relationship, she also accused me of springing it on her “out of the blue” and misleading her, even though there were plenty of warning signs that things were not going well.

    For a start, I had left the country to focus on my career, which clearly says that I valued my career over the relationship. I told her that although I cared for her a great deal and loved her, I did not think that we were compatible, and we were both unhappy… I even tried to break up with her once (but relented) before I actually did. It only came as a shock to her because she was in denial about all the warning signs, because she desperately wanted to hold on.

    I do not know about your situation well enough to be able to determine what happened exactly. There may or may not be another woman involved, in my case, the answer was “yes and no”. He may or may not be hurting, in my case, “yes it was one of the most difficult things I have ever been through”. But in any case, if his mind is made up, does it really matter?

    What difference would it make if there is another woman involved? What difference does it make if he is hurting? The fact is that he is gone from your life, there was most likely nothing you could have done about it. Maybe he is selfish and irresponsible, maybe he agonized over the decision and made a painful choice like me. But it does not change the fact that he is gone and he is not coming back, if he is kind that is. The worst thing he can do is to string you along and give you false hope.

    I wish you all the best in your healing process.

  9. #28
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    I think I am hurting as he wasnt adult enough to talk to me about his concerns and not communicate and instead shower me with gifts on my birthday then the next day split up which I dont think is a nice thing to do with someone and the week before he done it he was showing me houses he liked. And he also told me he loved me so much so why then split, but to hear that he would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me breaks my heart

  10. #29
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LSL
    I think I am hurting as he wasnt adult enough to talk to me about his concerns and not communicate and instead shower me with gifts on my birthday then the next day split up which I dont think is a nice thing to do with someone and the week before he done it he was showing me houses he liked. And he also told me he loved me so much so why then split, but to hear that he would rather be out doing other things than spend time with me breaks my heart
    It maybe that he is a coward and/or too immature to explain himself. It may also be the case that the explanation would cause unnecessary pain that he is trying to shield you from. For example, do you really want to hear that maybe he met somebody he liked more, or that he does not find you attractive anymore, or maybe he just wants to experience new people again. I'm not saying that any of those circumstances necessarily applies to you, but they could, and chances are there is no satisfactory reasons that he can give, at least none that are not hurtful. It is what it is.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    It may also be the case that the explanation would cause unnecessary pain that he is trying to shield you from. For example, do you really want to hear that maybe he met somebody he liked more, or that he does not find you attractive anymore, or maybe he just wants to experience new people again.
    I was wondering the same thing.

    I know it doesn't make it any easier to digest, OP, but trust that he is being honest that his feelings render this relationship untenable any longer.

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