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Thread: Bf split up suddenly out the blue after 6 years

  1. #91
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Love is not enough LSL. And if there is fear trickling here and there through that "love" then the saying stands: "if it hurts it isn't love.".

    You thought he was "the one". He didn't think you were "the one". . Ever. You mentioned being so devoted to him. Was he devoted to you? Oh yes, he sometimes talked the talk with no intention of walking the walk.

    I know you are in pain, and you are grieving for what never was, and grieving for yourself. Underneath you will feel anger rising because you "did so much for him."

    A relationship is a two-way street. Not one doing "so much" for the other.
    I might add that it was very wrong of him to talk only a month ago about having children when he was already on the way out. Again, I am seeing an individual who habitually said the first thing that came into his head.

    Fear, like hunger, is a shockingly bad advisor. And fear (as in fear of losing someone) has no place in a healthy LTR or marriage.

    You will get past this LSL. You will have to. Make the coming months about you, be kind to yourself and get the best professional support you can.

  2. #92
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    What was greater inside the relationship: your love of him or your fear of losing him?
    But what about this question? What happens if you try to answer it directly?

    If the foundation of a relationship is that someone won't cheat like the last guy—well, that's a fear-based foundation. If the foundation is that someone is "the one" so being alone is removed from the possibility of life experience—fear-based again.

    On the other hand, if the foundation is another person who loves and cherishes the things about yourself that you love and cherish, including the most fragile corners, while you do the same—that is not fear-based, but based on two individuals connecting on a plane of mutual respect. It is in ways more vulnerable, as it is not a solution to anything, not a shield or bullet-proof vest. But it is also stronger, since it is built on individual pillars of strength combining to build a secure emotional house.

    It has taken me to just about 40 to understand that. Am I old? I don't think so. I genuinely feel like I'm still just starting out, and emotionally and mentally I feel more nimble today than I did at 25. That nimbleness is connected to some moments of terrible pain, an avoidable phenomenon, but not one that has to destroy you and make you operate from a defensive posture.

  3. #93
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    I think I need to try not blame myself and try be in the mindset that there isnt more that I could have done and try be positive and one day the right man will be there

  4. #94
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Blame is counter-productive. Gaining insight into the whys and wherefores of behaviour is a productive endeavour.

    You did too much, all one-sided, which produced an unhealthy imbalance from the outset.

    Talk over what "right man" means to you. To start you off: not a saviour, not a man-child, and if he appears on a white charger, gleaming sword aloft, run a mile as fast as you can and hide. L.

    A therapist is going to ask you all this, and I'm sure will ask you what draws you or drew you to a particular man.

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  6. #95
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    For a cursory Google search, but really for a therapist: look up "scarcity vs abundance" mindsets. Operate from a place of scarcity and you get very little, because you believe there is little to have. little inside you. Operate from a place of abundance—that there is more, out there and in you, than you can ever access—and you get a lot.

    This is mental stuff, not life station stuff. You will meet people from all stripes who have an abundance mindset, just as you will meet people who have "everything"—money, partner, whatever—and exist in "scarce" state.

    Who do you want to be? It is a question to be asking and answering until you take your last breath, which is many, many moons away. It is a question, best I can see, that your spirit is begging you to ask and that life has offered you a moment—hard, and bitter, I know—that demands it gets asked.

  7. #96
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It has nothing to do with blame. Why do you keep defending yourself? Who is "blaming" you? Are your friends/family angry that you have to live back at home? Was this supposed to be an arranged marriage? Why is there so much pressure on you?

    It has to do with him having one foot out the door for over a year, the red flags and being incompatible. Landing a man should not be thought of as a competition or something where you do the right or wrong things to keep him.

    Try to relax and find a qualified therapist to shift through some of this and get professional tips regarding self-respect, feeling less anxious and moving forward . You also need to stop texting him and getting all that mixed up with your "but I love him" responses.
    Originally Posted by LSL
    I think I need to try not blame myself and try be in the mindset that there isnt more that I could have done and try be positive and one day the right man will be there
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 11-12-2019 at 12:52 PM.

  8. #97
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    I haven't messaged him at all, each week I seem to be getting a text off him and the last I heard from him was last sunday and I told him I'm not texting back again as it's too hard for me

  9. #98
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    Originally Posted by LSL
    I think I need to try not blame myself and try be in the mindset that there isnt more that I could have done and try be positive and one day the right man will be there
    Well no it can work that way in rare instances and in some bad movies. "Be positive" is too general - positive is..... positive - but you have to work on and come up with the specific ways you plan to act and interact in positive ways and treat yourself in positive ways -you have to find the actions and how you treat your body and mind that promote a positive mindset. And no, typically it's not about "one day the right man will be there" - dating and looking to date is not like going through a car wash -most of the time you have to be proactive in being out there - when you are ready - to meet like minded men and women (because likeminded women will introduce you to quality guys, and because it's awesome to be around likeminded people whatever gender).

    I'll give you some examples of how I worked on "being positive" today on a challenging day weather-wise and work/logistics-wise.

    I exercised my heart out before 8am.
    I reminded myself to be thankful that I had hot coffee on a freezing cold day.
    I ate lunch before I met my friend for lunch who was running very late so that I wouldn't feel hangry and sick by the time she could make it to lunch.
    I allowed myself minor leeway on my diet conscious mindset when they had truffles samples at the market on my way home from work.

    It's that simple -but it takes practice and reevaluation. Luck and timing and sometimes fate do come into play for many people (including me!) as far as meeting the right person but most of it especially after age 30 takes true grit, being on the front lines of dating, making choices concerning your free time, and not "being" positive but acting in positive ways and practicing those ways every single day. For me it's worth the work. If it is for you I highly recommend it. It's far easier to sit back with notions of be positive and wait for Mr. Right to ask you to let down your hair from the window of your cute and cozy single gal apartment.

  10. #99
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LSL
    I just honestly feel so down about myself and I just feel he has given me false hope for months when the right thing to do was to communicate with me how he was feeling even before we went to see a mortgage advisor and look for houses
    You're saying the same thing I've recently heard from a close, dear friend of mine, LSL. It's worse for you because you were dumped and rejected. I'm sorry. It's easier for the guy to do the dumping and rejecting because it's what he wants such as getting rid of the woman so he can have 'free bird' status. Before I get misconstrued, when I say 'free bird' status, I mean he wants to decrease his stress, lighten his load in his mind, have more choices in his life and do what he wants when he wants without constantly reporting back to you. He fears signing his life away.

    I've heard some relationships that are pretty good during the dating phase and then when it comes to co-habitating, then suddenly there are serious bills to pay such as rent and monthly survival expenses, it turns into a sudden business arrangement due to living expenses, the couple 'plays house,' the woman takes on a wifey role and the once carefree bachelor starts to feel smothered. Then the subject of marriage is broached by the woman, she wants to know what his intentions are with her, he drops the bomb and says he's either not ready for marriage, doesn't know if he wants kids and a fight ensues. Then he drops another atomic bomb and says no, he doesn't want to marry HER. Then she makes plans to move out, finds a place to rent, find roommates if she has to and the split ends with a world of resentment and bitterness. I've heard it goes so bad that she refuses to inform him where she's moving to. It's over and the anger is so bad that she never wants to see him again for the rest of her life. In her case she told me she wasted 4 precious years of her life on a man she had no future with. That was the story from my friend a few weeks ago! Then she told me that she comforted herself saying that God has a different plan for her and her life. She has a great job and has confidence for her future. I hope you will, too, LSL. You are still young at 30.

    I heard it from her guy, too. He said she wasn't intellectual enough for him and at first he tried to overlook it but after moving in together, it eventually bothered him. Also, he's too focused on his intense career and pressure cooker job right now. He doesn't have brain space to devote to "wife material" nor ready to take the next very serious step in his life with marriage. He event went so far as to say he needs to shop around. Better to shop around for both males and females than be stuck with someone you're unhappy with, right?

    Relationships evolve. Of course, there is love and often times the man or the woman can overlook what bothers them about the partner. There are breakups. Some reunite because they don't want to lose each other. Then they try again and still, there's something that bothers him about you (male to female in this case) and he finally makes up his mind that no, you are not for him. Often times, he won't explain because he doesn't want to add insult to injury since he's rejecting you already. If the man were to explain, then the woman would say, "Well, I'm sorry I'm not so perfect for you." Then the relationship spirals downhill awfully fast from there. It happens. I'm not saying this is your story; just giving you an angle.

    Even though you thought he was "thee one" for 6 years, you realized that his desires and missions in life are not on the same page as yours. Many women want marriage whereas men fear that type of serious legal commitment. Usually men have parents whether in a long term marriage or from a broken home. They're simply not up for the daunting challenge of marriage and parenthood just as they had observed their own parents and family life as they grew up. They don't want to grow up that fast. Then couple that thought with a side to the woman that he doesn't admire and now he's absolutely sure this time that it's a no-go to the altar.

    Someday you'll know that in order for a man to truly want to marry you, it requires a tremendous amount of maturity, selfless attitude and same values. Any man who is not willing to pull the trigger and give you HIS LIFE, is simply not meant for you.

    You can never change a man nor bend him to your will. He either wants marriage or he doesn't. If he's uncertain, then he's leaning towards the answer: "NO." If he's unclear and evasive, again, his answer is leaning towards "NO" again.

    You have to wait for serendipity to unfold one day in your future.

    False hope in my eyes is deceitful behavior and it sounds like he strung you along. I'm sorry. Nowadays, consider yourself no longer naive. Your key takeaway here is wisdom gained. In the future, make sure your radar is up and become a better read of a man (or people in general). You know you won't be gullible anymore. From the very beginning you'll know through effective communication how he feels towards a serious life together -- as in marriage, family if you two agree or disagree on that a nd building a home life together for life. In the future, don't let your relationship drag out for 6 years which is too long and a waste of your time IMHO.

    It's the brutal truth.

  11. #100
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    'The catch' is there if you know where to find him. He's not at singles bars. Go where they are and network among friends and family as they've done their homework for you.

    Where are they? In college, extremely busy working, getting ahead in life on the fast track, healthy, active, working out (exercising), with their friends and family, volunteering in the community or charitable good works, at church, seeking intellectual pursuits, groups, clubs and if you want an upstanding, moral man, go where they are!

    Sometimes it feels like finding a needle in a haystack and some women say all the good ones are taken or snatched up. Don't let that discourage you though. Just know where to find high quality men and you can afford to be very picky and choosy.

    Or take a break from men altogether and take a breather. No sense rushing and settling for a rebound.

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