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Thread: I can't control my feelings for my friend

  1. #1

    I can't control my feelings for my friend

    Hi
    I have a big problem...
    So I entered college this year and everything was great and I have a little group of friends. I got really close to that guy friend because somehow we got to know each other's past which weren't the happiest to say the least. I felt to relieved to finally find someone who wanted to die as much as I did. Before him I never really cared for no one. He really did become my dearest friend in the past 2 months. Yeah we became really close because we were two very depressed people. We are like siblings, always together. The thing is that he is falling in love with one of my friend. She’s different. She’s happy. She’s everything we’re not. Of course he finds her fascinating. Even I do. I do everything I can to help him to get her because I see how much she makes him happy and believe me he deserves to be happy. His feelings are more important than mine to me. But damn it hurts so bad. He used to come to me hold my hand and just relax on my laps whenever he felt bad and cry but now when I see that he is feeling bad and go to him and he just tells me that only her can make him smile, that there is no point for me to try helping him. We used to talk about life now we only talk about her. I hate feeling like this it's on my mind 24/7 and it's killing me. There is clearly no reason for me to feel this way. I really thought of us like siblings but now when he tells me how much he wished to cuddle her I just wished he was talking about me. it's so ed up. I am the only one who created this situation. He just gave me so much attention and affection and so did I. But now thinking that this might be ending it's really hurting me.
    This reminds me why I never get close to people.

    I just want to get over this feeling of jealousy and stop being hurt because I want him to be happy and support him.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think expanding your group of friends would help. Also, join some clubs or groups, get involved with things going on at college. The more time you spend with others the less you will be thinking of this guy. You dont need to abandon him as a friend, but do something for yourself to help you expand your circle.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Make an appt with the campus counselor. You became close because of the proximity and hanging out. If he's got crushes he's not that depressed. However you can go to a doctor or get help for the depression.
    Originally Posted by happy saddy
    I felt to relieved to finally find someone who wanted to die as much as I did. Yeah we became really close because we were two very depressed people.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Your tuition covers mental health counseling on campus. You've already paid for the services, so why not use them?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Ya being depressed together is so unhealthy. Him, he's codependent. He leans on others to treat his depression. He's going to mess things up with her because his depressed moods is going to make her run off. I agree your best course of action is to seek counseling...to help you with is this, and your depression. You need to start now.

  7. #6
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    You two do not have a healthy friendship, OP.

    I don't doubt that you genuinely care about each other, but being dependent on each other as emotional life rafts is not good for either of you. You are starting to see the negative effects of this now.

    It sounds as though you could use some guidance to help with your depression and social isolation, and also in recognizing your own feelings. You don't view this guy just as a sibling. It's pretty clear you have some romantic feelings for him, which isn't a bad thing, but you need to be more honest with yourself about it. You won't be able to help him date someone else without creating a lot of pain for yourself along the way. This is why it's important to keep some healthy distance when we realize we have strong feelings for someone that are not reciprocated.

    I would seek out some counselling on campus, and take some space from this friend.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    As for him seeming happy because of this new girl, doesn't mean he is not depressed anymore.

    He is happy because he has something/one else to focus on, but she is just a band-aid only, taking his mind off the fact that he is depressed. This is common with people who have suffered from depression. I have been there and used a girlfriend to make myself feel happier. But, it doesn't last, and sooner or later, the depression will push to the surface again. This then pushes the depressed person to seek more from their partner to cover the pain, putting more and more on them until the other person breaks under the pressure and either leaves, or descends themself.

    Your happiness is your responsibility and should not be made to be other people's responsibility. Deal with the depression before getting into a relationship. (Would be what I would say to him)

    As for yourself, you used his misery as a counter to your own and it made you feel better to share it with someone feeling the same. This is a similar thing. It's not resolving the depression, only finding a half adequate means to cover it...for now.

    Talk to someone and find out what the root cause is, make the decision to be happy, and work as hard as you can to get rid of it. It is hard work, and while wallowing is easier, it gets you nowhere.


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