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Thread: Married and mum, but developing feelings for someone else

  1. #1

    Married and mum, but developing feelings for someone else

    I feel depressed. I feel like my life is over, and that I have reached this point where you can not return from.

    I have a husband who is definitely a great person, amazing husband and father. We have been together now for 9 years and we have a nearly 2 years old kid. To be completely honest, maternity wasnít what I expected. Iím probably just selfish but I miss so many things of my life before. Husband and I work full time but we get a lot of help from our parents, but I just feel maternity is not for me, and of course that makes me feel terrible.

    And now the thing that makes me feel even worst: I am starting to develop feelings for a co worker. Our story is long... we have know each other for 4 years and there is a lot of chemistry between us, we are always teasing each other and so on. In any case it was not until this summer when things were put on the table. Coming back from lunch, he told me: ďif you were single, we would be in troubleĒ. Caught me totally by surprise, and I could just answer, the truth: ďprobablyĒ. And with this 2 single phrases, he started to court me on a very slow way- and believe me, he is good. Somehow he has detected my submissive likings and this turns me on so so so much. He honesty reads me like a book, I usually deny his statements but I know he is right.

    Soon after our first talk, he took me for coffee to tell me honestly that he liked me, but that he knew I was married and that he didnít want to be in the middle of this. (But liked me like for sex, nothing else).

    Also he is a player, he always has one girl or another and is always telling me what happens with them (I guess this is us trying to be friends?, him trying to make me jaleous? Honestly I do not get jaleous). I have spoken with him so many times about stoping this courting thing and just be friends because I will never had random sex with him. But he says yes yes, and doesnít listen. Part of this is also my fault, I know this. For example, the other day he sent me a picture of his abs (so teenager right?) as he is very hot and I know I should have ignored or get mad but I ended up telling him that he looked really good.

    Fast forward now, he has told me that he really likes me, that he would like to have a relationship with me, but that even though he would stay with me forever, he will not make me happy (due our different ways of seeing life). He has insisted on kissing but nothing else (thatís weird right?) but absolutely nothing has happened - I really think I will never cheat on my husband, I would end the relationship first but that would be soooooo stupid, because we have a perfect life and had a perfect relationship until this guy entered with all the seduction guns into my life.

    And I feel so sad because even I havenít done anything physical with him, my mind does think of him, and I feel bad for doing so. And I also know I will not leave my husband and that also makes me sad because this other things I feel for the other guy. I feel so trapped and childish, like anything will make me happy again.

    Thanks so much for reading this. I will appreciate any advice of what should I do.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by ChristieThom
    I feel depressed. I feel like my life is over, and that I have reached this point where you can not return from.

    I have a husband who is definitely a great person, amazing husband and father. We have been together now for 9 years and we have a nearly 2 years old kid. To be completely honest, maternity wasnít what I expected. Iím probably just selfish but I miss so many things of my life before. Husband and I work full time but we get a lot of help from our parents, but I just feel maternity is not for me, and of course that makes me feel terrible.

    And now the thing that makes me feel even worst: I am starting to develop feelings for a co worker. Our story is long... we have know each other for 4 years and there is a lot of chemistry between us, we are always teasing each other and so on. In any case it was not until this summer when things were put on the table. Coming back from lunch, he told me: ďif you were single, we would be in troubleĒ. Caught me totally by surprise, and I could just answer, the truth: ďprobablyĒ. And with this 2 single phrases, he started to court me on a very slow way- and believe me, he is good. Somehow he has detected my submissive likings and this turns me on so so so much. He honesty reads me like a book, I usually deny his statements but I know he is right.

    Soon after our first talk, he took me for coffee to tell me honestly that he liked me, but that he knew I was married and that he didnít want to be in the middle of this. (But liked me like for sex, nothing else).

    I really think I will never cheat on my husband, I would end the relationship first but that would be soooooo stupid, because we have a perfect life and had a perfect relationship until this guy entered with all the seduction guns into my life.

    And I feel so sad because even I havenít done anything physical with him, my mind does think of him, and I feel bad for doing so.

    Thanks so much for reading this. I will appreciate any advice of what should I do.

    Many times women FEEL they ought to want kids, but then realize they don't. Or that motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be. I have to wonder if you have been checked for possible post-partum depression?

    TBH, I think a LOT of women have felt that way- regretted having kids or realizing it wasn't what they thought- they just don't express it, because it's "wrong". You are allowed to have feelings, even unpleasant ones. I really do think you should get to see a therapist, though to sort out why you are feeling this way.

    Often when women are in motherhood mode, they do mourn the loss of "feeling like a woman". Sometimes husbands start to view their wives differently after having children. Has the intimacy in your marriage changed?

    IMHO, I venture to say that you like the attention of this other man because it makes you feel like a WOMAN again, and not JUST a Mom.

    I'm curious why you say you "reach a point you can't return from"? Let me tell you a not-so-secret secret- Happily married people flirt. Unhappily married people flirt. It's 100% normal to have crushes on other people and IMO, even to flirt a bit. Thoughts are JUST THOUGHTS. What matters is what you DO about it. I find it interesting that you say you will "never cheat on your husband" yet you are really dangerously close to doing just that. Depending on someone's definition- by going out with this other man and purposefully being explicit back about his body, some would say you have already crossed the cheating line. You have put some of the flirting into action already. Cheating isn't just full blown sex.

    There is no such thing as "the perfect relationship" because there is no such thing as the perfect person. Don't blame the other guy with his "seduction guns", when YOU are the one who is married. Anyone woman alive can flirt with my husband as much as they want to. Why do I feel like this? Because no matter what anyone ELSE does, I trust HIM to be faithful to me and say NO, even if a woman was stripping in front of him. People are going to flirt with you and your husband throughout your lives together, but it's YOUR responsibility to stay faithful to each other- no one else's.

    If you really do love your husband and your life with him as much as you say (I have to wonder though if something has changed since the baby)- then you know exactly what you need to do. Stop communicating with this other man. Do not respond to anything explicit, do not go anywhere one on one with him. Just STOP. You can't always stop thoughts, but you CAN control your actions. I'd highly recommend seeing a therapist, at least alone- and maybe some possible couples therapy, too.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I feel like I've read this story twice. This is the third time. Have you opened up an account here before?

    If no, I think you know what you should do. You have a young child at home and are married. If you are unhappy with your husband, don't live in denial anymore. Take care of yourself - all parents need to practice self-love and get back in touch with their hobbies and interests. Your life cannot be made up of baby only. Be kind to yourself.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP you are trying to get outside yourself by distracting yourself with attention from another man. Of course you feel special with him... he knows exactly what to say to you to get your attention. You say it yourself... the man is a player, and players know the art of seduction really, really well.

    I will share a little secret with you... there were many times I felt the same way. I found being a mom very challenging, and at times quite boring, especially when my kids were toddlers... the baby and toddler stage was not my favorite time! I enjoyed my kids the most when they were a little older... when we could have conversations, and share activities and interests... in fact my favorite part of their development was when they were between 9 and 16.

    You are dealing with a toddler, the terrible twos are HARD, and require a lot of patience which you may not have the energy for right now. It's possible that you are just so out of balance in your life that you are ready to check out completely.

    The way I dealt with those feelings was to try and have balance as best I could... invest time, even if it was just a little bit here and there, into things that stimulated me and made me feel like a person above and beyond just being a mom... like exercise, sleeping, eating properly, getting out for some adult social time, etc. If you get help from parents and/or your husband, this should be totally doable for you.

    And forget about the guy. He is just a thing that makes you feel good right now... try to find some other healthier ways of feeling good and getting out of yourself.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Soon after our first talk, he took me for coffee to tell me honestly that he liked me, but that he knew I was married and that he didnít want to be in the middle of this. (But liked me like for sex, nothing else).
    What a humongous load of hooey.

    My dear, mixed up mom who is more likely than not, in some degree of postpartum depression. This man is a lothario who is a first class player who tells you one thing and then finishes off by doing everything he can to do what he tells you what he doesn't want to do... which is be in "the middles of this" and then has the gaul to tell you that he liked you for sex and nothing else. And after that, you are hear telling us of how you have continued on with him until you are smack dab in the middle of an emotional affair with a man that would break you in two emotionally if you ever actually got yourself involved with him past the flirting and emotional addiction.

    Please, do yourself a favor and get yourself to your doctor for treatment of your (what looks like) depression and once you've done that, tell the player that you will not be hanging out one on one with him anymore, that he's not to contact you unless it's about work and never after hours and then wean yourself off of your addiction to him.

    Once you've done that, work on getting back to husband and wife mode with your hubby and start doing what you did together before the baby came along and turned the two of you into perpetual mommy/daddy roles. You need to get back the romance and focus on one another.

  7. #6
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    Would you show the messages between you and this man to your husband?

    If not, you know you've already crossed that line of cheating, even though there has been no physical contact.

    If you care for your family, if you don't want to deprive your child of a home with both his/her parents, if you don't want to have to hand your child off to your ex husband every other weekend....tell the office pig to stop pursuing and messaging you. Then reconnect with your husband.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    This is how it might play out -

    You risk your marriage, your family and the hook up with the coworker. By the sound of it you've caught some feelings along the way. Coworker never commits, reminds you that he warned you repeatedly.

    Now you are raising a 2 year every other weekend and your ex husband has a new girlfriend. You in turn get to go to work every day and face the coworker flirting with other women in the office.

    Get a sitter, leave the baby with your parents and put that energy you give to the coworker into your marriage. Your husband and child deserve it.

  9. #8
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Where is your sense of responsibility for your husband and child?

    The world does not revolve around you. You have responsibilities now. Wedding vows should mean more than a childish pinky swear. You brought life into this world who had no choice regarding whether he/she is born and to whom.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The best thing to do is make an appt with a doctor for a complete checkup and with a therapist for supportive care. This coworker is merely a bandaid and a temporaray distraction. Also consider marriage therapy so you can discuss how to improve your home life.
    Originally Posted by ChristieThom
    I feel depressed.

  11. #10
    Did I understand this correctly that you kissed the co-worker? Kissing is physical and is cheating. Emotional affair you're having is also cheating.

    It's too late to say things like "motherhood isn't for me" once you're already a mother. All that is left is to decide what kind of mohter you want to be? If you decide to be less than your best this will do you in psychologically. Do not underestimate how toxic guilt is. You need therapy. There you can figure out how to be the best mother you possibly can both for your and your child's sake.

    You also need to stop seeing this guy altogether even if it means quitting your job and looking for another. I wish I had quit my job when my son was two and had spend my time as a stay at home mother. It really is optimal for the children. You might not want to be a stay at home and will look for another job, but you can't stay working with a man you cheated on your husband with. You also need to tell your husband everything that happened and ask him either for forgivness and a second chance or for a divorce.

    You seem to dangerously lack awarness of your situation and the consequences of your actions. I can only hope that is the consequence of a deep depression and not your personality.


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