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Talking to a crush if you haven't been speaking


SavanahGram

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Okay so here is the situation... I've developed strong feelings from a crush at work. He seems to be shy about it, but also likes me. I was first told by my other coworkers that this guy likes me months ago. But the problem is that I kind of avoided him before because of my past relationship/trauma/anxiety.

However, I really don't want to miss out on this connection because I feel a strong connection/attraction with him that I've never felt before. I become quite depressed if I don't talk to him when I see him. And it's causing me to lose sleep and lose my appetite. Even my general motivation. I'm just afraid to approach him because I don't know if he is hurt or disappointed with me avoiding him past and recently. My fear is that he might give up on me, but I feel like if he did he would have done that months ago. Regardless of however he might feel, I know I have to approach him or my feelings will eat me alive. I just can't help but think that it will feel awkward for me to suddenly talk to him because we have spoken very little (and he usually initiated). And what if he just cuts me off...? What is the best way to approach this situation? Should I feel guilty for the way I acted or just forgive myself and reach out to him?

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Is this the same guy at work from your post in August? The only way past that superficial and awkward crush phase is to break the ice and get to know someone a lot more.

 

I don't agree with romances at work, personally. It interferes too much with my focus and I'm not able to mix the two.

 

There's a good chance that he might have already met someone else or is dating/in a relationship. Leave room for surprises and just be yourself. I doubt he would cut you off. Most people aren't so petty and rude especially at work. Rejection comes with anything so be prepared for that and don't work yourself up unnecessarily. Also don't be surprised if you end up having other reservations and aren't comfortable being so friendly with your coworker. You might find your job comes first and he might not be as interesting as you think or worth mucking up your job over.

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I'd start by just offering a gentle hello whenever my path crosses his, and that's your signal that your door is open. From there you'll feel more natural speaking with him if the opportunity presents because you won't be coming out of nowhere, you'll have already set the groundwork with occasional greetings.

 

I'd be less concerned with the guy than with the emotional turmoil you're inflicting on yourself 'about' the guy. That's a sign that you've been living in our own head too much, because such a preoccupation is the stuff of adolescent angst rather than adult maturity. That's not intended as a slam, but it speaks of someone who might benefit from counseling for social anxiety to gain some relaxation techniques and help with a plan to integrate more socially and emotionally.

 

The workplace is not the best platform for launching your love life. If this is a temporary job that you don't intend to keep, then go for it. But if you have intentions of keeping this job for any length of time, consider how much of an emotional mine field you really want to plant there on top of the professional challenges we all need to navigate on a job.

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Unfortunately, you've had a crush on this man for a long time, however contrary to your coworkers stirring the matchmaking pot, he's never asked you out or shown any specific interest. It would be better to address your "I become quite depressed if I don't talk to him when I see him. And it's causing me to lose sleep and lose my appetite. Even my general motivation." with a doctor and therapist. Someone you glance at at work and is not causing all that. You are ruminating, obsessing and not coping well.

I feel like I should make some kind of move or at least drop hints to this new guy, but I'm not sure what is the best way. I also feel bad for kind of rejecting him before, so that's also holding me back from doing anything now. I'm thinking about him constantly every day. It's hard to focus on other things. He's on my mind when I fall asleep and first thing in the morning.

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I’m sorry but it doesn’t sound to me like this guy is interested in you.

In the past he has initiated work chit chat but nothing else. He doesn’t sound like the shy type at all.

 

You developed a crush on him , only because workmates hinted he might like you. Not that they know!

If you only become interested in someone merely because they like you, that in itself is a problem.

 

And now , simply because you don’t see him on a given day or talk , it debilitates you???

There is no strong connection between you , you barely know him or talk to him.

 

I can safely say he is not hurt or upset with you , he doesn’t even know you.

 

Sorry but you should not approach him and reveal your “feelings” to him.

 

If you want to get to know him as a workmate then chat to him as you do any other workmate. After all that’s all he is.

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You're carrying around emotional baggage from the past, and like others have said, therapy will get you where you need to be mentally to be prepared to date.

 

Who is a person ready to date? A person who is happy with their life spent with hobbies/friends/family/time solo. A person who wants to share their joy with a companion, but the companion shouldn't be the sole source of that joy. Basically a person who thinks, "I'm trying out dating this guy, and if it doesn't work out, I still have my support system and full, joyous life without him."

 

Most new relationships don't work out, so if you date a co-worker, think of how you awkward/upsetting it will be to have to see him daily. I can see you're not the type who could do this and still be able to concentrate on doing a good job at work.

 

Do yourself a favor and seek therapy for your depression and disposing of toxic baggage. Only then will you be okay in a dating scenario, regardless of its outcome. Good luck.

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Hi OP,

 

I do have to agree with the others.

 

You seriously can't sleep or eat because of this? I'm trying to say this as gently as possible, but...this is not quite healthy.

 

I honestly think you need to take some time for yourself, heal yourself emotionally. You are not ready for a relationship. I know that wasn't your question, but your emotional health comes first. Good luck.

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