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Thread: *Boyfriend is slowly coming out as genderfluid?

  1. #1

    *Boyfriend is slowly coming out as genderfluid?

    Hi, so I'm really lost with what to do right now. My boyfriend (he is still using he/him pronouns) and I have been dating for almost 3 and 1/2 years. He's the only guy I've ever dated and we've been going out since my junior year in high school. The reason I'm feeling a bit lost right now is that up until this point he's been a cis-gendered male, both of us straight. But the past few months he's been leaning towards a new identity of genderfluid. I really don't think I'm bisexual or anything so it's been a bit of a whirlwind into this new territory. I've really tried to be very supportive of him and encouraging him to work through some of this with a couple of his genderqueer friends. But, personally, I don't really know what I'm doing or feeling about all of it. I really do love him, and I've had to give up a lot to make the relationship work, which we really do love each other and work well together. I don't really know what kind of advice I'm looking for, I just don't really have anyone that I can talk to about any of this. Thank you for at least reading through my word vomit.

  2. #2
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    NO, you are *not* bi because you are attracted to and wish to partner with men - it doesn't matter what the man considers himself, you are still straight. If you saw a guy walking down the street and you thought he was attractive, it doesn't make you "bi" if it turns out he is gay and you don't know it.

    I understand if someone feels that they are gay and is attracted to the same sex -- but maybe you should ask him what "gender fluid" actually means to him. Is it because he is hanging with a new crowd all the sudden or just feels he doesn't like "typically male" things. Maybe it really means nothing - he is still the same as he was last week and decided to label himself.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm also curious about what "genderfluid" means for him. Has he expressed this to you?

    None of this, as abitbroken said, changes your sexuality. Could it change whether you can still feel romantically comfortable with your boyfriend? Sure, and that's allowed, as people are always growing, always changing, and sometimes they grow and change in a way that triggers incompatibility.

    Is part of what you're confused about is feeling some doubts about this while also wanting to support him in this moment?

  4. #4
    For him genderfluid means that some days he wants to be a woman and others he wants to be a guy. He doesn't really want to be fully out yet and I'm not sure he ever will. But yea I would say that's what I'm most confused about. I want to support him in every way that I can, but I am having doubts about our relationship I suppose.

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    What does cis-gendered male mean?

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    You can support him without being romantically involved with him. You don't have to be in a romantic relationship with someone who is not heterosexual or is not sure he is heterosexual but you can be supportive and his friend. So if he wants to explore does that mean he wants to be intimate with a man? If so would he be ok with you dating other guys?
    Last edited by Batya33; 11-09-2019 at 08:49 PM.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    "Cis-gendered" means identifying as the sex you were at birth.

    Anyhow, first things first: just as his current self-exploration is totally okay and healthy, any self-exploration this triggers in you is just as okay and healthy. You're allowed to have doubts about staying with someone you love, as most people do inside relationships from time to time, especially during big shifts. You're also allowed to support someone in a variety of ways, which could mean in a non-romantic context. It could also mean that you spiritually support him, while also recognizing that you need some space from him, just for context. Support is fluid too.

    When you say "fully out yet" do you mean out as "genderfluid," or as gay or trans? I ask because I'm trying to understand how this is being presented to you: a new identity or a step toward a potential more binary truth he's still exploring. Is this all only about having a fluid gender identity while remaining only sexually interested in women—and wanting to be monogamous with you—or is it also about being sexually interested in men and exploring that?

  9. #8
    I mean out as genderfluid. And no, he's not interested in men at all. He's only exploring his personal gender identity.

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    I am going to need subtitles for this I'm afraid ..... I love and accept everyone into my world , but my world is now over 50 years old and I can no more get a grip on all this then I can an iphone ...

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by anonymous909
    I mean out as genderfluid. And no, he's not interested in men at all. He's only exploring his personal gender identity.
    OK I'm with Pippy -that's a lot of psychospeak and new labels -but here is what it comes down to. He's not sure if he is male or female or some combination. What actions does he plan to take to explore? Internal exploration like therapy or outward exploration like wearing female clothing or accessories, studying feminine attributes? What does he plan to do? And if indeed he resolves that he is a female will he then want to explore intimacy from a feminine perspective with, let's say, women who are gender fluid also since you are not? Will that affect his desire to be in a committed relationship with you? Have you talked about having a family? What would that look like if he's still exploring whether he's a male or female? Will he be comfortable with you giving birth to a baby who is born male or female or will he want to refer to a baby as "they"? Again I'm not presuming you want a family just asking.

    "exploring personal gender identity" is certainly enough for someone you are friends with. As his girlfriend and until now -he as your boyfriend -you're entitled to know what that looks like on a specific detailed level.

    An analogy - a number of times i got an email from a guy on a dating site because he'd forgotten he'd written to me in the past. Long email -cut and paste -form letter -first 5 paragraphs seemed like we had very similar backgrounds - good to go, interested in meeting. In the last paragraph he mentions that he enjoys wrestling in bed, while having sex, and while it's not "crucial" that the woman enjoy it and it's not some sort of addiction, it's his preference. So I replied the first time 'thanks but I don't think we have enough in common". Dealbreaker because I wasn't going to even "explore" what he meant by that - was it a one time experiment and that's ok, is never ok, did he "prefer" each time or most times? It wasn't worth finding out. But if we'd been involved and he changed to someone who enjoyed this kind of sexual act, I would have been entitled to specifics as well as ramifications if indeed I decided that he could explore but I wanted to be with a man who believed himself to be a man.

    Get the information - specific information - and if he can't give that to you accept that you would be romantically involved and committed to a person who might identify as a man or a woman or switch back and forth and might get curious and want to act on what it would be like to be intimate with someone else who is the same- not you.

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