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*Boyfriend is slowly coming out as genderfluid?


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Hi, so I'm really lost with what to do right now. My boyfriend (he is still using he/him pronouns) and I have been dating for almost 3 and 1/2 years. He's the only guy I've ever dated and we've been going out since my junior year in high school. The reason I'm feeling a bit lost right now is that up until this point he's been a cis-gendered male, both of us straight. But the past few months he's been leaning towards a new identity of genderfluid. I really don't think I'm bisexual or anything so it's been a bit of a whirlwind into this new territory. I've really tried to be very supportive of him and encouraging him to work through some of this with a couple of his genderqueer friends. But, personally, I don't really know what I'm doing or feeling about all of it. I really do love him, and I've had to give up a lot to make the relationship work, which we really do love each other and work well together. I don't really know what kind of advice I'm looking for, I just don't really have anyone that I can talk to about any of this. Thank you for at least reading through my word vomit.

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NO, you are *not* bi because you are attracted to and wish to partner with men - it doesn't matter what the man considers himself, you are still straight. If you saw a guy walking down the street and you thought he was attractive, it doesn't make you "bi" if it turns out he is gay and you don't know it.

 

I understand if someone feels that they are gay and is attracted to the same sex -- but maybe you should ask him what "gender fluid" actually means to him. Is it because he is hanging with a new crowd all the sudden or just feels he doesn't like "typically male" things. Maybe it really means nothing - he is still the same as he was last week and decided to label himself.

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I'm also curious about what "genderfluid" means for him. Has he expressed this to you?

 

None of this, as abitbroken said, changes your sexuality. Could it change whether you can still feel romantically comfortable with your boyfriend? Sure, and that's allowed, as people are always growing, always changing, and sometimes they grow and change in a way that triggers incompatibility.

 

Is part of what you're confused about is feeling some doubts about this while also wanting to support him in this moment?

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For him genderfluid means that some days he wants to be a woman and others he wants to be a guy. He doesn't really want to be fully out yet and I'm not sure he ever will. But yea I would say that's what I'm most confused about. I want to support him in every way that I can, but I am having doubts about our relationship I suppose.

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You can support him without being romantically involved with him. You don't have to be in a romantic relationship with someone who is not heterosexual or is not sure he is heterosexual but you can be supportive and his friend. So if he wants to explore does that mean he wants to be intimate with a man? If so would he be ok with you dating other guys?

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"Cis-gendered" means identifying as the sex you were at birth.

 

Anyhow, first things first: just as his current self-exploration is totally okay and healthy, any self-exploration this triggers in you is just as okay and healthy. You're allowed to have doubts about staying with someone you love, as most people do inside relationships from time to time, especially during big shifts. You're also allowed to support someone in a variety of ways, which could mean in a non-romantic context. It could also mean that you spiritually support him, while also recognizing that you need some space from him, just for context. Support is fluid too.

 

When you say "fully out yet" do you mean out as "genderfluid," or as gay or trans? I ask because I'm trying to understand how this is being presented to you: a new identity or a step toward a potential more binary truth he's still exploring. Is this all only about having a fluid gender identity while remaining only sexually interested in women—and wanting to be monogamous with you—or is it also about being sexually interested in men and exploring that?

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I mean out as genderfluid. And no, he's not interested in men at all. He's only exploring his personal gender identity.

 

OK I'm with Pippy -that's a lot of psychospeak and new labels -but here is what it comes down to. He's not sure if he is male or female or some combination. What actions does he plan to take to explore? Internal exploration like therapy or outward exploration like wearing female clothing or accessories, studying feminine attributes? What does he plan to do? And if indeed he resolves that he is a female will he then want to explore intimacy from a feminine perspective with, let's say, women who are gender fluid also since you are not? Will that affect his desire to be in a committed relationship with you? Have you talked about having a family? What would that look like if he's still exploring whether he's a male or female? Will he be comfortable with you giving birth to a baby who is born male or female or will he want to refer to a baby as "they"? Again I'm not presuming you want a family just asking.

 

"exploring personal gender identity" is certainly enough for someone you are friends with. As his girlfriend and until now -he as your boyfriend -you're entitled to know what that looks like on a specific detailed level.

 

An analogy - a number of times i got an email from a guy on a dating site because he'd forgotten he'd written to me in the past. Long email -cut and paste -form letter -first 5 paragraphs seemed like we had very similar backgrounds - good to go, interested in meeting. In the last paragraph he mentions that he enjoys wrestling in bed, while having sex, and while it's not "crucial" that the woman enjoy it and it's not some sort of addiction, it's his preference. So I replied the first time 'thanks but I don't think we have enough in common". Dealbreaker because I wasn't going to even "explore" what he meant by that - was it a one time experiment and that's ok, is never ok, did he "prefer" each time or most times? It wasn't worth finding out. But if we'd been involved and he changed to someone who enjoyed this kind of sexual act, I would have been entitled to specifics as well as ramifications if indeed I decided that he could explore but I wanted to be with a man who believed himself to be a man.

 

Get the information - specific information - and if he can't give that to you accept that you would be romantically involved and committed to a person who might identify as a man or a woman or switch back and forth and might get curious and want to act on what it would be like to be intimate with someone else who is the same- not you.

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I am going to need subtitles for this I'm afraid ..... I love and accept everyone into my world , but my world is now over 50 years old and I can no more get a grip on all this then I can an iphone ...
My reputation comment got cut off, but let's just say it was gonna be saucy. Talking reducing with chicken stock saucy. None of that bland water ****.

 

I'm all for the abolishing gender as a social construct if that's your game. Simply be *your name.* But so long as you are gonna play, the whole "he" today, "she" tomorrow and the next, and back to "he" again... I don't know. It's not hurting anyone else, so I suppose it's a "you do you" kinda thing. Certainly not something I'd have any interest in grappling with or navigating with a partner over, though.

 

Thing about dating and relationships is you're allowed to account for whatever aspects you'd prefer as a constant in your life, discriminatory or not. It's not a license to be an a**hole, but you're not obligated to anyone to be their romantic partner. You're either cool with it or you aren't. Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to take it on, but you wouldn't be some bigot if you weren't feeling it. What's all this you've already had to "give up to make the relationship work?"

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What's all this you've already had to "give up to make the relationship work?"

 

Curious about this as well. Do you have a sense of having sacrificed your true self already to make this relationship function?

 

To the "you're either cool with it or you're not" idea—I think there's some wiggle room there, as sometimes life throws something at us that's so sideways we don't quite know if we're cool with it or not. If my girlfriend told me later tonight that she wanted to move to farm sheep in Mongolia, I'm not sure if I'd be cool with that or not. I'd have to think and feel it through a bit.

 

That said, aside from reflecting on and asking the specific questions that Batya laid out, I think it's important to check in the gut. Right now you're focused on "supporting" him, which is great and all, but if that's going to be in a romantic context it needs to be because somewhere in your gut you can see this all being exciting, doable, not just an endurance test where the reward is "supportive girlfriend."

 

Awkward analogy: if I moved to Mongolia it would be because I got genuinely stoked on the idea of tending to sheep, chopping wood, reading in utter silence, and having a blast with my girlfriend in a totally weird place. If, on the other hand, it just sounded like a recipe for misery—well, we'd have to part ways. My support would be eternal, but it would be coming from California over the jet stream.

 

You mentioned not having anyone to talk about this with. Have you considered a few sessions with a therapist? That can be a great when life throws something at us sideways that fries the emotional bandwidth, as this seems to be doing.

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I was in a serious relationship and supported, loved and did not feel confused about my partner who was a gay female at the time. I suppose that should have made me feel closer to being a lesbian but I'm not a lesbian. For some time friends and family were not sure what I was doing or what to think of me. I never changed. I was always myself and I didn't care about what anyone else thought.

 

As with my ex she later became a he as his identity evolved and it all happened in the time we were together. I still didn't have a problem with it and it had no bearing at all on my love at the time or what I felt for this person. Not everyone is like this (I see that now more than ever and what a shock it is to the system) and I think it was the fact that I was unmoving and unwavering in that love and affection which allowed him to evolve freely into the person he ultimately felt he needed to be. We kept in touch for most of our lives after that and I think he always appreciated that I came into his life when I did.

 

You aren't obligated to stick around and support or love or cherish what he is on a romantic level if you aren't equipped or if you don't feel it's innate within you. I cannot speak for anyone else but for me it was as natural as walking or breathing or eating. Not everyone is built the same. I'm feeling like there's some guilt you're going through. Let go of all that. It's not worth it. I think gender plays a role for you in the way you love and interpret love, in the way you see yourself in society and in the way you want to be seen. You have every right to take a step back and ask yourself whether this is the right relationship for you or whether it's the right time for you to explore this with your partner. You're both very young. This isn't the end of the world. Very often it's not even permanent. Take things in stride and leave yourselves room to grow.

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You can accept who he is, but you are under no obligation to continue a romantic relationship. It's okay to not be comfortable with this new dynamic in your own relationship.

 

While he should pursue whatever identity he truly feels fits him best, you should not feel guilty if it doesn't line up with your own preferences in a partner.

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I'd start by making this about me, not him. I'd get clear with myself about what kind of relationship I want to have for my own future--and that's a non-moving target. From there, BF can answer whether he intends to be that person, or not. If not, that doesn't make him a villain, it just means he's no longer the right match.

 

Clarity comes from the inside, not from anyone else. If I want monogamy, then anyone who wants to explore sex with other people would be out for me. Gender doesn't need to enter the question--if a guy wants to get sexual with anyone who is not ME, then that's all I need to know in order to move on.

 

Most relationships in teens and twenties need to end in order for both people to grow instead of stagnate. It's pretty stunting to try to stick with one person while each person changes into who they want to become. So don't make this more complex than it needs to be: keep your focus on what YOU want, and don't pretzel yourself to placate anyone else's needs when they don't match your own.

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Sorry to hear this. It would be best to break up. This is way over your head. Dating is not social work. Dating is not about being politically correct. Dating is about how you feel and understandably you feel confused. Talk to a trusted adult. There is no reason for you to be dragged through this.

 

He needs to work through this on his own with the support of that community or therapy. Just because he feels this way, it doesn't mean you have to. You have the right to be who you want to be, be attracted to who you're attracted to and date who you want to date. If he changes the landscape of that, you need to end it. Break up and just be his friend so he can explore this in his own way.

For him genderfluid means that some days he wants to be a woman and others he wants to be a guy. He doesn't really want to be fully out yet and I'm not sure he ever will. But yea I would say that's what I'm most confused about. I want to support him in every way that I can, but I am having doubts about our relationship I suppose.
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Can I respectfully ask , if you were in a serious relationship with another female, why did you not consider yourself to be lesbian? What do you identify as? Bi?

Your ex obviously wanted to not be a gay female but a straight male?

Is your husband ok with your friendship still?

Just curious! Sorry!

 

I was replying to rose but it didn’t seem to work , sorry!

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Especially since this is your first experience, it's time to end it. You will find yourself and come into your own and so will he. Are you going away to college? Even if he weren't having these issues/questions, it would be a good idea to date other people.

 

The third gender or gender fluid concepts have been around for ages. However you don't need to make it your dating life if you feel uncomfortable. It's just as cool to be happy with your chromosomal gender and straight as anything else anyone else is. Be yourself and free yourself from his confusion and the heartache it's causing you.

dating for almost 3 and 1/2 years. He's the only guy I've ever dated and we've been going out since my junior year in high school.
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There's therapy for this. OP you and your partner go to a therapy session or two and work it out together.

 

Just me but I think he's having an identity crisis not a sexual orientation issue. If he has a bad day or is depressed when he's Jason, he will flip to being Julie to as an escape...you know what I mean? Like a multi identity coping mechanism.

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If I want monogamy, then anyone who wants to explore sex with other people would be out for me. Gender doesn't need to enter the question--if a guy wants to get sexual with anyone who is not ME, then that's all I need to know in order to move on.

 

So don't make this more complex than it needs to be: keep your focus on what YOU want, and don't pretzel yourself to placate anyone else's needs when they don't match your own.

 

^^^This all the way. Unapologetically.

 

You have the right to exit a situation if it no longer feels emotionally safe to you, just as this person has the right to explore their identity.

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You're 19. Do Not Go To Therapy together. This is his issue/journey, not yours. Do not make it your issue. You can not "convert him" through this. In fact conversion therapy as suggested below is illegal in many jurisdictions.

There's therapy for this. OP you and your partner go to a therapy session or two and work it out together. I think he's having an identity crisis not a sexual orientation issue.
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Can I respectfully ask , if you were in a serious relationship with another female, why did you not consider yourself to be lesbian? What do you identify as? Bi?

Your ex obviously wanted to not be a gay female but a straight male?

Is your husband ok with your friendship still?

Just curious! Sorry!

 

I was replying to rose but it didn’t seem to work , sorry!

 

Hi Billie. Him and I are no longer friends and stopped speaking since I met my husband. The last I heard he's doing very well after fully transitioning (took awhile). My ex identified most as transgendered but not transexual. Sexually I suppose in one relationship, I was with both a female and a male. The idea doesn't really bother me. When the relationship ended, he leaned more towards male than female. I'm not attracted to women exclusively and I don't think I'm bisexual as I've learned I can be attracted to individuals who are neither male/female or have elements of both. I'm 100% female though. I've always been a woman. I'd like to think I'm still learning. My husband knows about this about me. I don't think it bothers him as it's never come up later on. I'd like to think we accept each other as we are.

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There's therapy for this. OP you and your partner go to a therapy session or two and work it out together.

 

Just me but I think he's having an identity crisis not a sexual orientation issue. If he has a bad day or is depressed when he's Jason, he will flip to being Julie to as an escape...you know what I mean? Like a multi identity coping mechanism.

 

There is nothing for the OP to work out. She either wants to date a guy who wants to swap what gender he feels like every day or she doesn't.

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