Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 27

Thread: *Boyfriend is slowly coming out as genderfluid?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    10,492
    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    I am going to need subtitles for this I'm afraid ..... I love and accept everyone into my world , but my world is now over 50 years old and I can no more get a grip on all this then I can an iphone ...
    My reputation comment got cut off, but let's just say it was gonna be saucy. Talking reducing with chicken stock saucy. None of that bland water ****.

    I'm all for the abolishing gender as a social construct if that's your game. Simply be *your name.* But so long as you are gonna play, the whole "he" today, "she" tomorrow and the next, and back to "he" again... I don't know. It's not hurting anyone else, so I suppose it's a "you do you" kinda thing. Certainly not something I'd have any interest in grappling with or navigating with a partner over, though.

    Thing about dating and relationships is you're allowed to account for whatever aspects you'd prefer as a constant in your life, discriminatory or not. It's not a license to be an a**hole, but you're not obligated to anyone to be their romantic partner. You're either cool with it or you aren't. Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to take it on, but you wouldn't be some bigot if you weren't feeling it. What's all this you've already had to "give up to make the relationship work?"

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    london
    Posts
    12,017
    My reputation comment got cut off, but let's just say it was gonna be saucy. Talking reducing with chicken stock saucy. None of that bland water ****.
    oh I finished it off myself ..it was award winning ...obviously j

    * goes to bed happy , g'night from the uk

  3. #13
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,624
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by j.man
    What's all this you've already had to "give up to make the relationship work?"
    Curious about this as well. Do you have a sense of having sacrificed your true self already to make this relationship function?

    To the "you're either cool with it or you're not" idea—I think there's some wiggle room there, as sometimes life throws something at us that's so sideways we don't quite know if we're cool with it or not. If my girlfriend told me later tonight that she wanted to move to farm sheep in Mongolia, I'm not sure if I'd be cool with that or not. I'd have to think and feel it through a bit.

    That said, aside from reflecting on and asking the specific questions that Batya laid out, I think it's important to check in the gut. Right now you're focused on "supporting" him, which is great and all, but if that's going to be in a romantic context it needs to be because somewhere in your gut you can see this all being exciting, doable, not just an endurance test where the reward is "supportive girlfriend."

    Awkward analogy: if I moved to Mongolia it would be because I got genuinely stoked on the idea of tending to sheep, chopping wood, reading in utter silence, and having a blast with my girlfriend in a totally weird place. If, on the other hand, it just sounded like a recipe for misery—well, we'd have to part ways. My support would be eternal, but it would be coming from California over the jet stream.

    You mentioned not having anyone to talk about this with. Have you considered a few sessions with a therapist? That can be a great when life throws something at us sideways that fries the emotional bandwidth, as this seems to be doing.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,885
    Gender
    Female
    I was in a serious relationship and supported, loved and did not feel confused about my partner who was a gay female at the time. I suppose that should have made me feel closer to being a lesbian but I'm not a lesbian. For some time friends and family were not sure what I was doing or what to think of me. I never changed. I was always myself and I didn't care about what anyone else thought.

    As with my ex she later became a he as his identity evolved and it all happened in the time we were together. I still didn't have a problem with it and it had no bearing at all on my love at the time or what I felt for this person. Not everyone is like this (I see that now more than ever and what a shock it is to the system) and I think it was the fact that I was unmoving and unwavering in that love and affection which allowed him to evolve freely into the person he ultimately felt he needed to be. We kept in touch for most of our lives after that and I think he always appreciated that I came into his life when I did.

    You aren't obligated to stick around and support or love or cherish what he is on a romantic level if you aren't equipped or if you don't feel it's innate within you. I cannot speak for anyone else but for me it was as natural as walking or breathing or eating. Not everyone is built the same. I'm feeling like there's some guilt you're going through. Let go of all that. It's not worth it. I think gender plays a role for you in the way you love and interpret love, in the way you see yourself in society and in the way you want to be seen. You have every right to take a step back and ask yourself whether this is the right relationship for you or whether it's the right time for you to explore this with your partner. You're both very young. This isn't the end of the world. Very often it's not even permanent. Take things in stride and leave yourselves room to grow.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    9,366
    You can accept who he is, but you are under no obligation to continue a romantic relationship. It's okay to not be comfortable with this new dynamic in your own relationship.

    While he should pursue whatever identity he truly feels fits him best, you should not feel guilty if it doesn't line up with your own preferences in a partner.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    22,454
    Gender
    Female
    I'd start by making this about me, not him. I'd get clear with myself about what kind of relationship I want to have for my own future--and that's a non-moving target. From there, BF can answer whether he intends to be that person, or not. If not, that doesn't make him a villain, it just means he's no longer the right match.

    Clarity comes from the inside, not from anyone else. If I want monogamy, then anyone who wants to explore sex with other people would be out for me. Gender doesn't need to enter the question--if a guy wants to get sexual with anyone who is not ME, then that's all I need to know in order to move on.

    Most relationships in teens and twenties need to end in order for both people to grow instead of stagnate. It's pretty stunting to try to stick with one person while each person changes into who they want to become. So don't make this more complex than it needs to be: keep your focus on what YOU want, and don't pretzel yourself to placate anyone else's needs when they don't match your own.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,808
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to hear this. It would be best to break up. This is way over your head. Dating is not social work. Dating is not about being politically correct. Dating is about how you feel and understandably you feel confused. Talk to a trusted adult. There is no reason for you to be dragged through this.

    He needs to work through this on his own with the support of that community or therapy. Just because he feels this way, it doesn't mean you have to. You have the right to be who you want to be, be attracted to who you're attracted to and date who you want to date. If he changes the landscape of that, you need to end it. Break up and just be his friend so he can explore this in his own way.
    Originally Posted by anonymous909
    For him genderfluid means that some days he wants to be a woman and others he wants to be a guy. He doesn't really want to be fully out yet and I'm not sure he ever will. But yea I would say that's what I'm most confused about. I want to support him in every way that I can, but I am having doubts about our relationship I suppose.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,590
    Can I respectfully ask , if you were in a serious relationship with another female, why did you not consider yourself to be lesbian? What do you identify as? Bi?
    Your ex obviously wanted to not be a gay female but a straight male?
    Is your husband ok with your friendship still?
    Just curious! Sorry!

    I was replying to rose but it didn’t seem to work , sorry!

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    35,808
    Gender
    Male
    Especially since this is your first experience, it's time to end it. You will find yourself and come into your own and so will he. Are you going away to college? Even if he weren't having these issues/questions, it would be a good idea to date other people.

    The third gender or gender fluid concepts have been around for ages. However you don't need to make it your dating life if you feel uncomfortable. It's just as cool to be happy with your chromosomal gender and straight as anything else anyone else is. Be yourself and free yourself from his confusion and the heartache it's causing you.
    Originally Posted by anonymous909
    dating for almost 3 and 1/2 years. He's the only guy I've ever dated and we've been going out since my junior year in high school.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Posts
    1,381
    Gender
    Female
    There's therapy for this. OP you and your partner go to a therapy session or two and work it out together.

    Just me but I think he's having an identity crisis not a sexual orientation issue. If he has a bad day or is depressed when he's Jason, he will flip to being Julie to as an escape...you know what I mean? Like a multi identity coping mechanism.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •