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Thread: Second date delay

  1. #1

    Second date delay

    Hi all,
    First timer here :)

    I'm having issues in the between first and second date gap.
    I met this girl two years ago at a party and we went back to my place (but didn't go all the way).
    I didn't contact her anymore because I knew she was leaving the country a while later.
    Now she's back in my country for a masters degree and so I contacted her. She was happy about this and we chatting a fair bit.
    This Thursday we went for a drink and it was lovely. Very cosy and good conversation. At the end I was thinking when to kiss her while walking towards my car but she told me to wait and kissed me first. For me that kind of felt like a pretty good sign.
    We chatted a bit the next day (her texts are still enthusiastic) and today I asked her if we could meet up on Wednesday.

    I got the following message:
    "Ah, I have a group project working on that evening *smiley with a tear of sweat* ummm can we do the week after? Sorry I'm away this weekend and next so not sure I'll have time to make it *city I live in which is closely* in between."

    Am I seeing ghosts or is this a bad sign? I know she'll be only coming back on Tuesday so it might be a very busy week, but it always just feels weird when somebody can't make any time for you during the week. I've had these reactions before and it never really worked out after.

    My gut reaction is to say I can also stop by her city so she doesn't have to do the commuting but that might come off as desperate, I assume.
    Best reaction is to play it cool, tell her that's fine, leave the ball in her court and continue life?

    Any thoughts?
    Just got rejected for a promotion at work yesterday, so my ego is a bit low atm. Hence the doubts

  2. #2
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    Sorry about the promotion buddy ...I am a great believer in the universe having bigger plans !

    I think for now ...just leave it all as it is ...for the 3rd date , yeah offer to do the travelling , but not this time , it will seem pushy . This might be how life will be with her , or it might be a one off busy time ,so at this stage you need to just sit back and enjoy the ride .

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Bummer about the promotion. I'd check that ego a bit, as you sound a touch sensitive. Understandable, as dating requires a thick skin, but if you're this quick to make assumptions that any woman is ghosting you you're likely to find the business of dating and connecting agonizing. Maybe she's fading, maybe not—at this stage neither of those are so monumental, since neither of you really has much of an idea about the other person.

    How would I read that message? That she had a nice time, is busy until the following week, would like to see you then—end scene, all good. No analysis, no fretting. I'd have fired back something like: "Sounds good. That week's pretty free on this end—what works for you? Have an awesome weekend." Then I'd continue on living my life.

    In other words, I'd take her at face value, because human beings generally appreciate that. They don't appreciate being viewed negatively or being seen as having to accommodate someone else's expectations, especially when that someone is a person they've just met.

    No need, in short, to make this a game. There is no ball, no court. Wait until you're actually in a relationship, or going on more dates with someone, to fret about someone not "making any time" for you. So let her know that you're looking forward to seeing her again, that you're free that week, and see if you guys end up meeting up. That's what I'd do, at least.

  4. #4
    Fair points.
    I ended up writing "Ok, well let me know when it clears up ;) have fun with carneval".
    Just a basic low key message.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Princecoco
    Fair points.
    I ended up writing "Ok, well let me know when it clears up ;) have fun with carneval".
    Just a basic low key message.
    Whatever works for you.

    Me, I don't hedge. Guess you could say I prefer the ball in my court, while also finding confidence attractive. Your response took something specific from her (week after next?) and made it vague ("let me know when it clears up"). If she stepped forward a bit, you stood still.

    Just something to think about, moving forward, with her and in general.

  7. #6
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Whatever works for you.

    Me, I don't hedge. Guess you could say I prefer the ball in my court, while also finding confidence attractive. Your response took something specific from her (week after next?) and made it vague ("let me know when it clears up"). If she stepped forward a bit, you stood still.

    Just something to think about, moving forward, with her and in general.
    Hehe, I thought i was following the same principle. I interpreted it as:
    I go for a specific day
    She goes for a week (to me that's vague)
    So i reply vague as well.

    You might be right to interpret it as a specifc request.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Best reaction is to play it cool, tell her that's fine, leave the ball in her court and continue life.....and date other women.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I get you. I do, like I said, think you're being a little sensitive—that your chief operating point is not being rejected.

    Yeah, it would have been "perfect" if she was free Wednesday—zero discomfort for you, pure reward and validation, immediate dose of confidence. But no one lives in a perfect world, and she didn't exactly blow you off. She offered next week. She has a whole life, independent of you.

    Guess I just don't understand why you didn't take a step to trying to solidify a plan. Worst case scenario? It all gets flaky and you don't see someone you've met once again. Which happens, a lot, in dating. Best case scenario? Well, that's where all the gold is, but you've got to be willing to step into the mine to get it, knowing that some mines are just dark tunnels but confident in yourself that you can sit in the dark here and there.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's hard to tell. Sleep off your disappointment with your promotion and see how you feel later this weekend. I agree with meeting other people. If she's originally from out of town and returning, it's no wonder if she's got plenty of friends she wants to catch up with. I'd keep in touch and see how it goes. You're both still in school so things seem unpredictable and all over the place. Leave room for touch and go types of relationships. I normally knew right away whether I'd be seeing more of a person or not while dating. You might have a clearer idea and better feeling about this later on this weekend. You seem tired and demoralized right now, to me, and not able to think/feel very clearly. That is ok. She's busy? So what. You do you and enjoy the weekend.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you like her, all you can do is ask her out and observe how it goes. Sounds like she's busy, not ghosting. She sounds interested, so just follow up and keep the momentum going.
    Originally Posted by Princecoco
    Am I seeing ghosts or is this a bad sign? I know she'll be only coming back on Tuesday so it might be a very busy week, but it always just feels weird when somebody can't make any time for you during the week. I've had these reactions before and it never really worked out after.

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