Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 48

Thread: Guy Iím dating asked to meet my son

  1. #21
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    22,445
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Do we know this man has been remotely pushy?

    I mean, sure, if he's angling aggressively for face time with the kiddo after 90 daysóyes, red flags fluttering. But we've gotten nothing to even hint at that. If OP is chatting with dude about her son's t-ball game, say, and dude says something like, "Sounds like a cool kidóhope to meet him," I'm not sure that's skull-and-crossbones territory.

    Just think some more context could go a long way here. As it stands, OP's main concern is trying to learn more about what this guy's intentions are. A common enough conundrum at 3 months. I'd say the best route there is a series of adult conversations (about feelings, about personal boundaries) that don't bring a child into it one way or another. Whether he or any man meets her son next month or next year, it shouldn't be part of a test.

    Dating with kids is tricky. Dating someone with a kid can be a tricky. Dating people who are a passive and skittish is tricky. Could be that he's creepy. Could be that he's been kind of suspicious or semi-present these past 90 days. Could be that he, like OP, is a little skittish about expressing himself, and hiccuped a "I'd like to meet you son" because he's as scared of scaring her off as she is of scaring him.

    Only OP knows this guy, how things have felt, what she feels in her gut. In her shoes I'd see this moment as a "sign" that it's time to have an adult check-in about where things stand, and a little check-in with herself about how she feels about him and what she wants romance and motherhood to look like so she can express that, be it to him or someone else.
    While the goal isn't to villainize the guy, it doesn't require much context to establish private road rules for protecting one's kids while dating. Those don't need to be complex, they just need to be clear, and stating them to dates early and matter-of-factly keeps the focus on the adults with zero confusion.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,604
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    While the goal isn't to villainize the guy, it doesn't require much context to establish private road rules for protecting one's kids while dating. Those don't need to be complex, they just need to be clear, and stating them to dates early and matter-of-factly keeps the focus on the adults with zero confusion.
    Could not agree more. My girlfriend has a child, and I knew the whole deal after two dates. She had her rules, which struck me, and continue to strike me 11 months later, as very sound ones.

    Giving this guy the benefit of the doubt, I can imagine it would be hard to know how to even talk about the kid if there aren't some guidelines laid out by the parent, just like at 3 months it's hard to talk about where things stand if everyone is reading between the lines instead of using their words.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,630
    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    While the goal isn't to villainize the guy, it doesn't require much context to establish private road rules for protecting one's kids while dating. Those don't need to be complex, they just need to be clear, and stating them to dates early and matter-of-factly keeps the focus on the adults with zero confusion.
    False.

    Context is everything.

    As noted. The OPer said nothing of her concern for her child. Her focus was on whether or not he wanted a relationship.

    Which begs the question how was this request phrased.

    There is a humongous gap between ď oh you have a son thatís awesome, Iíd love to meet him one dayĒ

    Vs

    *heavy breathing while reading Hansel and Gretel* ď you have a son do you? I must meet him, as soon as possibleĒ *que evil laugh*

    You are most definitely villainizing the poor guy.

    Like blue mentioned itís precarious dating someone with children, at three months while meeting shouldnít be a priority, bringing them up casually in conversation would be not only normal but expected.

    He: hey so you wanna run and grab some ice cream.
    She: I canít I have my kids this afternoon.
    He: oh ok, thatís awesome what are your plans?
    She: oh weíre headed to a ball game little Johnny loves baseball.
    He: does he? Thatís awesome, I do too, maybe we can all go to a game.

    Thatís discussing ones child in a natural way, assuming it means bring me your child so that I may emotionally scar them... bit of a stretch.

    At the end of the day, and again Iím not under the impression he is pressuring her, at the end of the day it is not my responsibility to ensure my date is raising their child to my personal standards. I am my childís keeper. No matter what they suggest, itís my responsibility to make that judgement call.
    Last edited by figureitout23; 11-09-2019 at 11:09 PM.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    5,873
    Is he interested in a serious relationship with you? It sounds more like he's interested in your son and you need to be smarter than this.

    How old is your son?

    Your sons safety comes first and foremost. If it were me, I would be dumping this guy asap and not look back. It is plain WEIRD that he asked twice to meet your child and alarm bells should be going off in your head.

    Do not let him meet him.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    5,873
    I'm sorry but I don't give a damn if it villianizes anyone.

    This is a child and what matters is that she puts his safety first. Make very strong boundaries concerning your child. Do not let any stranger meet him. (and yes, at 3 months he is very much still a stranger).

    Minimum 6 months to a year before children are introduced. And even then, keep your boyfriend at arms length from your child until far down the road when you know for certain that there is no danger or risk.

    I would rather risk the chance of offending someone than to put my child's safety at risk.

    Pedophiles are very real.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,389
    Always have "eagle eyes" on your child.

    You can't be too careful.

    This guy's interest and enthusiasm to meet your child is just plain weird which should give you goosebumps.

    I'm a mother of 2 sons and protective of them as a mother should be. When they were young, I didn't even allow them to walk into a men's restroom all by themselves. No way. Call me paranoid or whatever you want but at least I raised them SAFELY and they left the nest unscathed due to my vigilance.

    From one mother to the other, never let your guard down.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    22,445
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    You are most definitely villainizing the poor guy.
    Hah! You're kidding, right?

    I'm not interested in the guy, he's a big boy and can handle himself regardless of whether some Internet stranger mischaracterizes him.

    My whole point has been that the guy is not the point. So his context is irrelevant.

    Either a parent who wants to date has formed some private ground rules about their kid, or not. If not, there's no time like the present.

    Forming private rules takes context out of the equation, because the key word is 'private'. A rule operates regardless of what kind of guy wants an invite. Stating a rule up front prevents anyone in any context from trying to replace your best judgment with their own.

    So if the guy mentioned the kid casually, you can just as casually mention that your private rule for dating is that you don't introduce your child to your dates.

    Boom-done, and it's that simple. Nothing else to see there, and zero pedophile accusations to lather up about.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,630
    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Hah! You're kidding, right?

    I'm not interested in the guy, he's a big boy and can handle himself regardless of whether some Internet stranger mischaracterizes him.

    My whole point has been that the guy is not the point. So his context is irrelevant.

    Either a parent who wants to date has formed some private ground rules about their kid, or not. If not, there's no time like the present.

    Forming private rules takes context out of the equation, because the key word is 'private'. A rule operates regardless of what kind of guy wants an invite. Stating a rule up front prevents anyone in any context from trying to replace your best judgment with their own.

    So if the guy mentioned the kid casually, you can just as casually mention that your private rule for dating is that you don't introduce your child to your dates.

    Boom-done, and it's that simple. Nothing else to see there, and zero pedophile accusations to lather up about.
    Apologies.

    I mischaracterized you as a member of the pedophile posse.

    I actually completely agree with you, he is irrelevant, at least until clarification is made, even then, as I stated above, you are your childrenís keeper, the parent. If your concern lies with relationship status vs. timelines of meeting children... well...

  10. #29
    Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    24
    Thanks everyone for your advice. I actually found out heís been dating some one who lives out of state. Luckily the meeting with my son never happened. I blocked all communication from him

  11. #30
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,796
    Originally Posted by mayflower165
    Thanks everyone for your advice. I actually found out heís been dating some one who lives out of state. Luckily the meeting with my son never happened. I blocked all communication from him
    Oh I am so sorry. I am glad you dodged a bullet.

Page 3 of 5 FirstFirst 12345 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •