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Thread: PLEASE help! Can't stop lashing out at boyfriend

  1. #1

    PLEASE help! Can't stop lashing out at boyfriend

    So basically I'm in a long distance relationship of 2 years, we've met in person twice.
    I keep saying horrible things to him every so often, it's been going on for nearly 2 years, and he's starting to get really sick of it.
    I tell him that I'm going to stop but I never do. I just want to stop!!!!! Why do I keep doing it???? I have no idea!
    Tonight I told him that 'you're sick of me, aren't you' and he again told me to stop talking rubbish and that I need to change my attitude. I don't mean any of the stupid things I say but I can't stop!!!!

    Examples of things I've told him in the past:
    You never wanted me anyway
    You're a liar
    You're a manipulative sociopath
    I don't want to meet you again
    I don't want you anymore
    I'm sick of you
    You don't appreciate anything that I do

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Have you considered professional help?

  3. #3
    No, I haven't. Would it be of use?

  4. #4
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    Can I be honest ...when people have tied themselves to an internet relationship over two years and only met twice , I have to wonder if the people involved have issues and cling to a love over the airwaves because in real life things are not going so well .

    It has to have some kind of ending , a plan in motion to see if this is the real deal ..two years is a long time to dedicate when you only know each other to a degree ...granted it is wonderful to have to communicate without touch etc it makes you work a little harder in a way , but there has to be something to aim for .

    The frustration one must feel when there is no one to kiss , to touch , to even sit together must make a person explode .
    So why do you say those things in particular ... my point I was getting to is , your relationship is lacking the substance of a real life relationship ....you don't get attention for smelling good , for surprising him , leaving little gifts , arranging days out , kissing him like you have never kissed before so do you crave his attention this way .

    Or is he all of these things that you call him ?

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Deermouse
    So basically I'm in a long distance relationship of 2 years, we've met in person twice.
    I keep saying horrible things to him every so often, it's been going on for nearly 2 years, and he's starting to get really sick of it.
    I tell him that I'm going to stop but I never do. I just want to stop!!!!! Why do I keep doing it???? I have no idea!
    Tonight I told him that 'you're sick of me, aren't you' and he again told me to stop talking rubbish and that I need to change my attitude. I don't mean any of the stupid things I say but I can't stop!!!!

    Examples of things I've told him in the past:
    You never wanted me anyway
    You're a liar
    You're a manipulative sociopath
    I don't want to meet you again
    I don't want you anymore
    I'm sick of you
    You don't appreciate anything that I do
    A 2 year online relationship equates to a 2 week real life relationship.
    Why are you in this? It definitely sounds like you donít want to be!!

    You need to end this. It makes no sense at all.

    Why are you hiding behind a computer screen and not actually living a real life? Why is he?

    There is clearly no future in this pretend relationship and it will not count as experience to an actual real one in the future.

    Turn your computer off and look for ways to occupy your time , friends , family , hobbies etc.

  7. #6
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    Why have you only met twice in two years?

    What triggers your anger to this degree? Have you always struggled with insecurity and anger management?

    We need more context to your relationship so we can give you better advice, OP.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think you need some help to understand why you are abusive to this person and what you can do to stop it. I'd have quit talking to you a long time ago if you spoke to me like that.

  9. #8
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    Of course you have an idea -you just don't want to face the work that needs to be done because I'm sure you lash out at others too or will. You have to figure out your triggers - at the time right before you do this are you tired, stressed, hungry, dehydrated, anxious? Is your body or any part of it tense? What type of breathing exercises do you do? (I do 4-7-8 breathing, Weil method). How much physical activity do you do? Do you get enough sleep? You always have the choice not to lash out. Different would be if someone jumped you from behind and you screamed -that's far more impulsive and instinctive and even if you acted in physical self-defense that's different. But you choose to say hurtful things to this person. Every single time. And because you choose it you can control it.
    Here's an example -I know I get stressed helping my son with homework - I can go from calm to stressed in seconds. He often pushes my buttons. I know this about myself so if I risk helping him with his homework I set ground rules for both of us - I tell him what I will help him with, how long and what my conditions are for helping him (meaning his behavior). I tell him that if I feel myself even getting a little stressed I am going to step away and take some space.

    So by analogy -you can tell your boyfriend that you have had a long day, that if he wants to talk about ___ topic that's fine but you'll probably change the topic so you don't escalate your stress, and if he says something that bothers you -even a little -you tell him "I feel stressed and I need to end the call now -I will talk to you when I feel calmer". Then you take care of your stress with one of the ways you've worked on - maybe it's exercise, or listening to music or reading a good book or screaming out the window if it won't disturb anyone.

    It's always your choice.No excuses of "I can't help it".

  10. #9
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    It's easy to do at the beginning of a relaitonship because you are infatuated with each other. That's called the honeymoon stage. But when that's over, those strong feelings subside. You are not getting enough "stimulation" from face timing and texting to feel like a real relationship. It's a fact in order to be properly bonded to your BF you need physical contact. If you don't bond properly, you don't connect, you don't feel secure. This is why you are lashing out. LDRs are not for everyone. Obviously it makes you very insecure and frustrated. You are best to pull the band-aid off fast and end it. You will feel much relief. These feelings and behavior will miraculously disappear.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's one of two things or perhaps a combination of two, the way I'm reading it:

    1) He is a real piece of work and you're in denial (he really IS all of those things)
    2) You are messed up and need psychological help (he is not those things)

    If you doubt yourself badly and aren't sure what this person is, it may have to do with the long distance nature of your relationship. Why are you setting yourself up this way? Even if he is a great guy, what do you benefit from seeing someone in person only twice a year?

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