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Thread: Am I over-reacting?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Obviously he felt rejected and worried that more of the financial help you have given him will be cut off as well. He's feeling pushed out. But IMO enough is enough. Smoking is only a part of what is bothering you about this relationship. Time to think about your own future. He's not providing one for you, and this is where you are at after 2 years. Maybe this ship has sailed.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nogbad
    I am realising I cannot have a future with someone with his grasp on finance. That burden has always been on me, I've got into debt to both the bank and my parents during this relationship, and I fully admit that this is where my condescending tone has bred from. I have tried to massively over simplify a relationship that may well have just run its course. Thanks for everyone's input.
    Tough thing to come to terms with. How someone manages finances is pretty essential to me—and I probably had to learn that by emotionally investing in people with some questionable habits on that front.

    For your own peace of mind, at the very least, I would try to have a direct conversation with him about this, though only you know if, in your core, you've already checked out.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Nog. You said (and this is at the heart of the matter).

    " It doesnt feel like a healthy relationship to me, I feel like I am being punished for expressing an opinion...."

    I think you answered your own doubts in your op.

    Even if he wasn't a smoker (filthy habit!), the punishment in the form of silent treatment is totally unacceptable. You lasted five years. He wouldn't last five minutes with me!

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you don't live together why are you telling him how to spend his money? Obviously he should be paying for his own habit, not you. He's not going to quit, so you have some decisions to make. You also need to be more independent and focus on your own money, your own living arrangements and your own future. Don't date smokers in the future or anyone you need to fix and change. Don't stay at his place if it smells like smoke. Why not end things, you're very incompatible.
    Originally Posted by Nogbad
    Boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, he was a smoker when we met. We don't live together (used to, but I moved back in with parents a few years ago to save money)

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Nogbad
    I am realising I cannot have a future with someone with his grasp on finance. That burden has always been on me, I've got into debt to both the bank and my parents during this relationship, and I fully admit that this is where my condescending tone has bred from. I have tried to massively over simplify a relationship that may well have just run its course. Thanks for everyone's input.
    Here is the real problem, as you're now seeing.

    What exactly has been his issue with working? He lost his job, won't work, can't work, or..?

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    If you don't live together why are you telling him how to spend his money? Obviously he should be paying for his own habit, not you. He's not going to quit, so you have some decisions to make. You also need to be more independent and focus on your own money, your own living arrangements and your own future. Don't date smokers in the future or anyone you need to fix and change. Don't stay at his place if it smells like smoke. Why not end things, you're very incompatible.
    Because she's giving him money to help him with his rent and bills, yet he's spending money on cigarettes.

    It's kind of like this friend of mine who begged me for money to pay her rent but the very next day she was on Facebook asking if anyone knew where to get good deals on flights to Europe. She apparently was trying to fund her trip to Europe by getting her friends to give her money for "rent". I was angry because I didn't willingly donate to her vacation fund, so yeah, I felt I had the right to get upset.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok stop enabling him, unless you mean contributing because you stay there every weekend?
    Originally Posted by Nogbad
    We were discussing budgeting because due to job issues over the last few years, I have been helping him alot with rent and bills. The only times we have argued about smoking is when we have had to choose between us eating (we used to live together) and him smoking.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Don't date him if you don't like his habits. Unfortunately smoking or quitting smoking is different for everyone. My ex smoked socially and was a pathological liar. He also went for all kinds of therapy and help to stop the addiction including hypnotherapy. As far as I know, he has not stopped smoking. My husband smoked since he was nine coming from one of Miami's ghettos, stealing his mum's cigs and getting people to buy them for him. He quit cold turkey eight years ago to live better.

    You're not going to compel anyone to quit. I learned that the hard way (never having smoked myself). Don't make the mistake that you have any say over a person's habits just because you've been together for long or help financially. Bluecastle already uncovered the root of your issues which might not be smoking at all and have to do more with money matters in general. I'd take it it slow and stop helping out so much if you're feeling resentful or if you don't agree with his lifestyle. Don't parent anyone. It's not your job. Find someone more on your wavelength and hang around people you can connect with on many levels. Differences are fine but fundamental issues that cause you to worry, control and hover like this are no good.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If you moved in with your parents to save money, how does supplementing BF's bills accomplish that?

    I'd separate finances and step out of the role of parenting a BF.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Only you can decide if you want to continue being together with your boyfriend beyond 5 years.

    My father was a smoker and what a tremendous mistake it was the day my poor mother decided to marry the loser. His nasty smoking addiction impacted the entire family and household. He stunk, the house reeked of cigarette smoke, we stunk, he smoked in the car while we suffocated, we inhaled secondhand smoke and to this day I suffer from bouts of susceptible bronchitis every year which lasts 3 months! My younger siblings are asthmatic.

    My father sustained a premature heart attack at age 52 and died. The coroner said, "Poor man." He suffered from tar black nicotine infested lung disease. He left my poor widowed mother heavily in debt with 3 young children to raise all by herself. (He drank, too.)

    No, you're not overreacting. You're better off being with a healthy man who takes care of his body which means he'll be mentally and physically healthy for himself and you. I don't trust anyone who doesn't care about his health. Smoking, drinking, drugs, overeating, not exercising, etc. It's all bad. This means he'll go downhill faster, he'll be in a foul mood all the while because he's not healthy and you are the one who will bear the brunt of a miserable life with him. You'll end up taking care of a sick, crusty old geezer. Is this how you wish to envision your future?

    It's time for a harsh reality check. No sense sugar coating this. This should be your wake up call. He doesn't sound like a gem to me IMHO.

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