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Thread: Am I right to feel this way?

  1. #1

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    Am I right to feel this way?

    Prior to me, my boyfriend was in a relationship with another girl a year ago. And I suppose he had bonded with her father a bit before he had passed away. Now, before he passed away, the father wanted my boyfriend then to have some things that had sentimental value to them. Now, earlier this year, the girl and my boyfriend had broken up. My problem is that my boyfriend still expresses interest in those things the father wanted to pass onto him. I suppose because of the bond they had. But it makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that the father somehow wanted these passed onto my boyfriend because he believed that my boyfriend would always be with his daughter. Is it reasonable of me to feel uncomfortable with my boyfriend still wanting those things? Not to mention the fact that it's one of those things he might be trying to retrieve from her along with some stuff he'd left at her home. As a result, he keeps in contact with her still to get those things. And I've expressed my disappointment in this and made him promise not to speak to her ever once he gets them. Though it seems it's dragging on and taking long to retrieve them. All in all, I don't like the fact that my boyfriend still emails her about his stuff especially the stuff her father wanted him to have. Is this reasonable or not?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating? Unfortunately, you can not tell him how to feel or who to speak to. The relationship between the deceased father and him is also something you can not change or these sentimental items.

    What you can do is observe whether you want to continue to date since he is still in touch with his exgf. What things does he still have at her place? How long after they broke up did you start dating?
    Originally Posted by tsp000
    my boyfriend was in a relationship with another girl a year ago. Is it reasonable of me to feel uncomfortable with my boyfriend still wanting those things? I've expressed my disappointment in this and made him promise not to speak to her ever once he gets them. I don't like the fact that my boyfriend still emails her about his stuff especially the stuff her father wanted him to have.

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    IF he broke up with her a year ago, he shouldn't still have anything at her house. As for the items her father wanted him to have, he needs to make an appointment to go pick them up once and for all, and perhaps take you with him. If he's unwilling to do that, it means that he's still interested in dragging this connection out indefinitely.

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think you are unreasonable. The man wanted him to have these things and so your bf should make a plan to get them asap. If there is a hold up due to something in the will, then that cant be helped. If they can be packed up and shipped to him, then that should be done. Whatever he left at her house should also be packed up and sent to him.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think he's moved on from the previous relationship. I'm curious as to how he's aware that her father's passed away in the first place and whether his ex is insisting on contacting him to pass him the items. This is selfish on her part. She may be grieving but your boyfriend is being a bit immature about the situation. That part of his life is over. If he hasn't acknowledged that there is no room for you as his girlfriend. He's not over her. There's no reason for her to reach out to him.

    I don't think he's able to let go and that he expresses wanting those items (which are not his in the first place but someone else's, the deceased father - not even his own father) suggests that he's not over that relationship.

    You shouldn't be over-explaining yourself or insisting on anything or controlling him. Actions speak louder than words. I wouldn't put up with this. Even if he is over her (as his ex), his judgment is no good. If you plan on living together or are living together, for example, if I were in your place there is absolutely no way those items would be in my home. It belongs somewhere else - the trash. I wouldn't trust him overall at all.

  7. #6
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    I don't think there is anything wrong with him wanting those things ..it is one of those situations where one could argue * does he really want them or does he want an excuse to see her !...Now if he had done all this straight away I would say he really does wants the stuff , but to be stringing this out this long leaves a big question mark above it all .... it is simple enough ...come round at so and so time and get them ....It doesn't take months of emailing and discussion so I think you are right to be wondering what is going on ...........if it is the real deal then there is nothing wrong with him having it.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I question your boyfriend's character and integrity. Usually, an honorable man or person would do the right thing and not concentrate nor want an ex-girlfriend's deceased father's items. He needs to allow his ex-girlfriend time and space to mourn and grieve her tremendous loss as opposed to hounding her about tangible objects that he wants as rightfully his. He lacks empathy. He sounds selfish and he is pursuing items after her father died.

    For the sake of your relationship with your boyfriend, I wouldn't create a fight or argument over this. The real question here is your questioning his integrity and quality of character. An honorable person would not focus on what he wants such as tangible objects from a deceased person. He should've learned to walk away permanently from his ex-girlfriend and ceasing all contact with her instead of focusing on retrieving what his ex-girlfriend's deceased father left him. If he acts this way, there's no telling how he will treat you when there are other tests in life and during your relationship with him. He's a red flag. I'd be wary if I were you. Something about him doesn't ring true.

    A sincere, good person knows what subjects not to broach and when to leave people alone -- permanently. Your boyfriend doesn't exercise discretion.
    Last edited by Cherylyn; 11-08-2019 at 05:01 PM.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    The minute you start policing your partner like that and feel it's ok to "make them" promise not to talk to their ex "ever", imo you have entered toxic relationship territory and nothing good ever comes out of that. You have every right to decide not to date him if you feel that they are still stuck on their ex. But "making them" do anything sounds controlling, manipulative and a major red flag imo. I would break up rather than stay in a relationship that makes me feel that insecure.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    IF he broke up with her a year ago, he shouldn't still have anything at her house. As for the items her father wanted him to have, he needs to make an appointment to go pick them up once and for all, and perhaps take you with him. If he's unwilling to do that, it means that he's still interested in dragging this connection out indefinitely.
    Very good answer, Sarah. I agree 100%.

  11. #10
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    Why are you controlling him? You've just entered a new relationship and it shouldn't be that you should have to forbid anyone from talking to anyone else.

    Also, he's really lacking compassion
    The father died, he should keep his distance.

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