Am I right to feel this way?

Prior to me, my boyfriend was in a relationship with another girl a year ago. And I suppose he had bonded with her father a bit before he had passed away. Now, before he passed away, the father wanted my boyfriend then to have some things that had sentimental value to them. Now, earlier this year, the girl and my boyfriend had broken up. My problem is that my boyfriend still expresses interest in those things the father wanted to pass onto him. I suppose because of the bond they had. But it makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that the father somehow wanted these passed onto my boyfriend because he believed that my boyfriend would always be with his daughter. Is it reasonable of me to feel uncomfortable with my boyfriend still wanting those things? Not to mention the fact that it's one of those things he might be trying to retrieve from her along with some stuff he'd left at her home. As a result, he keeps in contact with her still to get those things. And I've expressed my disappointment in this and made him promise not to speak to her ever once he gets them. Though it seems it's dragging on and taking long to retrieve them. All in all, I don't like the fact that my boyfriend still emails her about his stuff especially the stuff her father wanted him to have. Is this reasonable or not?

How long have you been dating? Unfortunately, you can not tell him how to feel or who to speak to. The relationship between the deceased father and him is also something you can not change or these sentimental items.

What you can do is observe whether you want to continue to date since he is still in touch with his exgf. What things does he still have at her place? How long after they broke up did you start dating?

my boyfriend was in a relationship with another girl a year ago. Is it reasonable of me to feel uncomfortable with my boyfriend still wanting those things? I've expressed my disappointment in this and made him promise not to speak to her ever once he gets them. I don't like the fact that my boyfriend still emails her about his stuff especially the stuff her father wanted him to have.

IF he broke up with her a year ago, he shouldn't still have anything at her house. As for the items her father wanted him to have, he needs to make an appointment to go pick them up once and for all, and perhaps take you with him. If he's unwilling to do that, it means that he's still interested in dragging this connection out indefinitely.

I think you are unreasonable. The man wanted him to have these things and so your bf should make a plan to get them asap. If there is a hold up due to something in the will, then that cant be helped. If they can be packed up and shipped to him, then that should be done. Whatever he left at her house should also be packed up and sent to him.

I don't think he's moved on from the previous relationship. I'm curious as to how he's aware that her father's passed away in the first place and whether his ex is insisting on contacting him to pass him the items. This is selfish on her part. She may be grieving but your boyfriend is being a bit immature about the situation. That part of his life is over. If he hasn't acknowledged that there is no room for you as his girlfriend. He's not over her. There's no reason for her to reach out to him.

I don't think he's able to let go and that he expresses wanting those items (which are not his in the first place but someone else's, the deceased father - not even his own father) suggests that he's not over that relationship.

You shouldn't be over-explaining yourself or insisting on anything or controlling him. Actions speak louder than words. I wouldn't put up with this. Even if he is over her (as his ex), his judgment is no good. If you plan on living together or are living together, for example, if I were in your place there is absolutely no way those items would be in my home. It belongs somewhere else - the trash. I wouldn't trust him overall at all.

I don't think there is anything wrong with him wanting those things ..it is one of those situations where one could argue * does he really want them or does he want an excuse to see her !...Now if he had done all this straight away I would say he really does wants the stuff , but to be stringing this out this long leaves a big question mark above it all .... it is simple enough ...come round at so and so time and get them ....It doesn't take months of emailing and discussion so I think you are right to be wondering what is going on ...........if it is the real deal then there is nothing wrong with him having it.

I question your boyfriend's character and integrity. Usually, an honorable man or person would do the right thing and not concentrate nor want an ex-girlfriend's deceased father's items. He needs to allow his ex-girlfriend time and space to mourn and grieve her tremendous loss as opposed to hounding her about tangible objects that he wants as rightfully his. He lacks empathy. He sounds selfish and he is pursuing items after her father died.

For the sake of your relationship with your boyfriend, I wouldn't create a fight or argument over this. The real question here is your questioning his integrity and quality of character. An honorable person would not focus on what he wants such as tangible objects from a deceased person. He should've learned to walk away permanently from his ex-girlfriend and ceasing all contact with her instead of focusing on retrieving what his ex-girlfriend's deceased father left him. If he acts this way, there's no telling how he will treat you when there are other tests in life and during your relationship with him. He's a red flag. I'd be wary if I were you. Something about him doesn't ring true.

A sincere, good person knows what subjects not to broach and when to leave people alone -- permanently. Your boyfriend doesn't exercise discretion.

The minute you start policing your partner like that and feel it's ok to "make them" promise not to talk to their ex "ever", imo you have entered toxic relationship territory and nothing good ever comes out of that. You have every right to decide not to date him if you feel that they are still stuck on their ex. But "making them" do anything sounds controlling, manipulative and a major red flag imo. I would break up rather than stay in a relationship that makes me feel that insecure.

IF he broke up with her a year ago, he shouldn't still have anything at her house. As for the items her father wanted him to have, he needs to make an appointment to go pick them up once and for all, and perhaps take you with him. If he's unwilling to do that, it means that he's still interested in dragging this connection out indefinitely.

Very good answer, Sarah. I agree 100%.

Why are you controlling him? You've just entered a new relationship and it shouldn't be that you should have to forbid anyone from talking to anyone else.

Also, he's really lacking compassion

The father died, he should keep his distance.

I think he is being grabby. if the family felt that the father wanted him to have these things, they would have given them to him. If the father said "i want you to have this" but after that they break up = it doesn't mean the father would have still wanted him to have the items given that the situation changed. If the family also has no clue about their conversation, t REALLY makes him look grabby.

I think if he still has his OWN personal possessions at the ex's that the breakup is too fresh, still.

I don't think you should "control" the conditions - but i feel if you find this to be a red flag, you break it off and find someone available or you decide to give him "space." I really think its odd for someone to talk about what they have coming to them like that. I personally would want to date someone who moved forward.

You have the right to feel the way you do.

Your boyfriend is greedy. All he wants is what he feels he is entitled to. Something about him doesn't add up and his intentions are selfish and self-centered. If he were sincerely sympathetic towards his ex-girlfriend and her family, he would've done the right thing which is to back off permanently and not bother them, period yet all he cares about his getting "things" from his ex-girlfriend's late father. He's obsessed about these objects with nary a care for his ex-girlfriend's grief, tremendous loss and mourning family.

Your boyfriend lacks integrity which should be alarming to you. He's very disrespectful.

The timelines are a bit confusing. Can you clarify?

The way I read it is that the father passed away in 2018 and your bf split with her in 2019?

Perhaps the items were sentimental to the father but wanted to pass them to your bf because of a connection and knowing he would appreciate them? Moreso than his own daughter.

They could be sports memorabilia from a sport your bf plays for example?

In which case yes he should accept them and care for them.

If it was more sentimental to the family like a piece of jewellery long been in the family , then no he should not accept since he is no longer with his daughter.

Perspective needed before I can really comment further.

As for why this hasn’t been dealt with sooner, is it because they are in dispute over who should have the items? Then unless the items were in a will, your bf should let it go.

If there are items your bf still wants to retrieve that are his own belongings , if he has lived without them until now he can live without them forever. If they meant that much to him he would have got them by now and before he dated another.

It’s not up to you to dictate what he does , you can only express your feelings and if you don’t like what’s happening, you end the relationship.

I don't know what relationship he had with the father. It's none of my business to qualify how appropriate it is to expect whatever he'd intended your boyfriend to inherit. Frankly, "making someone promise" not to speak to somebody is much more objectively concerning to me. If you don't like the level of contact he's got with his ex or the fact he still wants whatever it is the father left for him, that's within your rights. But once it gets to a point you're telling him what to do and who he can or can't talk to, you're crossing a line and are much better off leaving.

At its core.

At the end of the day.

You either trust him or you don’t.

You’re entitled to how you feel, he’s entitled to how he feels.

You aren’t entitled to control your partner though.

My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who is still involved with an ex, in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children. You're learning WHY.

I'd tell BF that I adore him and can picture the two of us together in the future. That's why I'm walking away to let him finish his old business with his ex. If he ever finds himself completely free and clear of all involvement with her, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

This leaves your door open just enough to avoid a rebound mess. It allows the guy enough time and room to stabilize solo, because without that, he's really not relationship material--he's heartbreak material. Skip that, look out for yourself without trying to control anyone else. Let the chips fall, and if they fall the right way, great. If not, they wouldn't have anyway.

My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who is still involved with an ex, in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children. You're learning WHY.

 

I'd tell BF that I adore him and can picture the two of us together in the future. That's why I'm walking away to let him finish his old business with his ex. If he ever finds himself completely free and clear of all involvement with her, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

 

This leaves your door open just enough to avoid a rebound mess. It allows the guy enough time and room to stabilize solo, because without that, he's really not relationship material--he's heartbreak material. Skip that, look out for yourself without trying to control anyone else. Let the chips fall, and if they fall the right way, great. If not, they wouldn't have anyway.

100% agree with this. Keep things simple and clean.

Your boyfriend is more concerned about material things from his ex-girlfriend's deceased father when he should be focusing his exclusive attentions on you. Instead, he still maintains contact with his ex-girlfriend so he can have his eye on the prize which isn't you; it's what he thinks he inherited from his ex-girlfriend's late father. Your boyfriend's priorities are all messed up.

This is a sign that you will not be treated with respect and as if you matter. He demonstrated the dark side of his character to you which you should take as a warning message and how he will impact your life negatively. I doubt you'll last forever with this guy because he's showing his true colors to you which is quite unseemly. He sounds like a real loser IMHO.

If the ex is refusing to let him have those things due to the fact they are no longer together, then it's time for him to walk away from it. Me personally would have told him that he needs to let it go. If it's meant to be he would have received them by now.

Tell him straight: Obviously the ex and her family are saying no, and he should respect that. She lost her father for f sakes, does he not have any compassion for her grief and loss?? Drop it already and leave her alone.

Why are you controlling him? You've just entered a new relationship and it shouldn't be that you should have to forbid anyone from talking to anyone else.

It sounds like she is just protecting herself and not being controlling. If something your partner is doing makes you feel uncomfortable, its ok to express your feelings.