Breakup difficult so far

So I let this girl go on Wednesday night. We had been talking for around 5 months. While I do think we have a lot of chemistry and potential, I ultimately turned her down and told her my heart wasn't in it anymore for the following reasons:

• She still lives with her ex who she broke up with in June. I honestly don't believe I am the rebound because she's had a thing for me ever since we met 4 years ago, and I do trust that she has not been messing around with him anymore. But he is extremely jealous of me and toxic (sometimes borderline psychotic) to her, and he doesn't allow me over. She says their relationship was toxic , that he was sexually harassing her. I told her from the beginning she should get out of there, but she just started trying to find a way out of the apartment only a few weeks ago. Her ex has been draining to both of us.
  
• We live an hour apart. I can't visit her 95% of the time because the ex is there, and she can't come visit me because she doesn't have a car. That hasn't made a good combination of things.
  
• Within a month of us talking about dating, she already decided she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. This made me uncomfortable, especially as someone who does not have any serious or long-term relationship experience. I've felt bad about holding this against her because she has had a crush on me for 4 years, and I know how easy it is to get overexcited with crushes. But she's really very confident in her intuition and thinks we would be amazing together.
  
• Seemed like all my close family, friends, and mentors were telling me it didn't seem like a good idea. Partly because it was stressing me the hell out, and they could see it in my whole demeanor.
  
• I've been in a big transition period in my life lately. Graduating college and leaving that freedom to live with my parents once again. Trying to get my foot in the door in the real world. I'm still trying to figure out the next steps as I enter into adult life. Thinking about a relationship where the other person is already down for marriage has been a bit overwhelming among all this.
  

The relationship was just sort of a mess. Letting her go was hard on me, and I think she knows that. We talked first about having some distance for a while, but yesterday she texted me saying she felt upset but also at peace about what happened, so she doesn't feel like she needs to cut contact with me. She also said that we are close friends before anything. So we kept texting. This morning, however, she said that she knew we were going to get back together, by her intuition. Part of me wants this to be true, but then I remembered there was a reason for feeling like letting go was the best course of action for us. So I had to put my foot down and say we have to live our lives as if that's not going to happen.

Ouch, that stung the both of us. I know it's possible we could get back together sometime in the future, but I don't feel like hanging on now will help that. All she's said in response is "Break me more" and "Do whatever you want. I'm fine.", but now she's silent.

So I guess I'm really just asking for encouragement and/or advice. What do you all think? This situation I first brought up in the following thread several months ago: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=560841

Sorry for the hurt and confusion. Breakups, whatever the circumstances, always sting.

That said, it certainly sounds like you made the right call. She was, and remains, in a pretty unstable state, which you seem to be kind of both drawn to and repelled by, which might be worth reflecting on a bit for your own stability.

In multiple threads you've made a big deal about how she had this massive crush on you, while downplaying what I can't help but see as the more important stuff to focus on: she crushes on you, you reject her, she gets with someone else, then you "accept" her, though in a state where her "values," which you always questioned, became even more questionable by you accepting her. That right there is toxic stuff that you had as much agency in as she did. Seems like you really, really like the idea of her being super obsessed with you, while disrespecting how she handles that obsession.

Messy, as you said. Best way to deal with a mess is with a clean slate, as it seems you've realized. Bravo. Wish her the best in your head and heart, be grateful for the time and for the lessons that are now surfacing, and keep moving forward. She'll be okay. You'll be okay. But you plus her does not equal okay, for either of you. Always sucks when we have to face that fact about people we care about, but life is a much smoother experience when we learn to accept facts rather than dodge them.

I know your feelings are telling you to stay, you will have a missed opportunity, etc, but your head is right. There is nothing here that would build a strong foundation for a relationship. If she can't have her backyard cleaned up....she had 5 months to do this, then it's never going to happen anyways, she is not ready. Trust your decision as the right one, and go forward.

Don't text or reach out to her anymore. You're confusing the situation by doing so and doing yourself a disservice. You'll look back at this one day and so will she and you'll both realize what a bad mix it is. Learn from the mistakes.

Eons ago I went on a date with someone while I was still living with an ex who cheated on me. Okay, I went on two dates with two different people. One was a very good friend with whom there might have been something more (we went to school together and used to live next to each other/neighbours) and another was a brother's friend who wanted to get to know me.

In my previous situation we were living together but not romantically together, cordial but there was obviously some awkwardness. I was dealing with the resentment of being cheated on, probably still processing it but not reacting much to it as it wouldn't have changed anything. I knew I needed to meet new people but I didn't know how or when or what to do with that immense void that the end of that relationship created.

After some time, I learned quickly that it was fair to no one to start meeting people without getting my life back in order and that meant recognizing that living with my ex was holding me back. I kept my old friend who was friendlier than ever but we weren't romantically involved and remained friends. Looking back, I think things were very emotional but I just didn't know how to process them. In the same way, I have a strong feeling she's dealing with many emotions right now but believing that she is ok. She'll look back one day and recognize how difficult that time was and she needs more time to restart her life again.

The best thing you can do for yourself is enjoy your time with friends and family, take that time out and breather. Find a good position for work, befitting to your education, and keep learning. Don't be too hard on yourself but definitely do not go backwards. Think of your own wellbeing and accept healthy situations in your life, not the other way around.

That said, it certainly sounds like you made the right call. She was, and remains, in a pretty unstable state, which you seem to be kind of both drawn to and repelled by, which might be worth reflecting on a bit for your own stability.

 

In multiple threads you've made a big deal about how she had this massive crush on you, while downplaying what I can't help but see as the more important stuff to focus on: she crushes on you, you reject her, she gets with someone else, then you "accept" her, though in a state where her "values," which you always questioned, became even more questionable by you accepting her. That right there is toxic stuff that you had as much agency in as she did. Seems like you really, really like the idea of her being super obsessed with you, while disrespecting how she handles that obsession.

I guess I've never thought about things this way. I think you're absolutely right about me feeling both drawn to and repelled by her state. I guess Selfish Me never thought much about my own instability throughout all this. That makes me feel very crappy, that I've encouraged her in areas that I also condemn her for.

She's always been willing to do so much for my sake, which always made me want to give her a chance. I think that's why I hung on for so long. For instance, this summer she was struggling pretty badly with depression and bipolar disorder, and when I mentioned going to free counseling services, she vehemently opposed this at first. But ultimately she gave in and went. Now she enjoys going and has been doing a lot better, and I'm so proud of her for it. Really the only suggestion she hasn't taken from me is to move out, which, to her credit, she is trying to do now.

Perhaps we both need time to grow. I would love nothing more to say that we will separate now, grow individually for a while, and then give it another try in the future. But I know I can't count on that.

Sorry to hear this. You did the right thing ending it. The best thing would be to erase her from all your social media and messaging apps. She is dragging you down and you can do much better than this locally. Restart your life without her in it.

She still lives with her ex who she broke up with in June. I can't visit her 95% of the time because the ex is there, and she can't come visit me because she doesn't have a car. This morning, however, she said...

I guess I've never thought about things this way. I think you're absolutely right about me feeling both drawn to and repelled by her state. I guess Selfish Me never thought much about my own instability throughout all this. That makes me feel very crappy, that I've encouraged her in areas that I also condemn her for.

 

She's always been willing to do so much for my sake, which always made me want to give her a chance. I think that's why I hung on for so long. For instance, this summer she was struggling pretty badly with depression and bipolar disorder, and when I mentioned going to free counseling services, she vehemently opposed this at first. But ultimately she gave in and went. Now she enjoys going and has been doing a lot better, and I'm so proud of her for it. Really the only suggestion she hasn't taken from me is to move out, which, to her credit, she is trying to do now.

 

Perhaps we both need time to grow. I would love nothing more to say that we will separate now, grow individually for a while, and then give it another try in the future. But I know I can't count on that.

No need to feel crappy.

The pursuit of romance, and romantic connection, are not a humanitarian endeavors. It is selfish, in part, as you are looking for someone who works for you. It's always a bit of a dice roll, and experience helps teach us a bit about how to gamble more consciously and less impulsively, if that makes sense.

Neither of you are monsters, just two people who helped each other here, hurt each other there—the basic story of all relationships, including the healthiest and most stable. This one just had some unhealthy glue inside the foundation, on both ends. It happens. Seeing that, owing that—boom, that's growth. Anything that allows us to grow into a slightly better shape tomorrow than we are today—those things are pluses. Honor this by making it that, you know?

I totally get the appeal of the story of growing for a bit, then reconnecting at a better juncture. Lots of comfort there—and, hey, it does happen. But the key, and the hard part, is to always be moving forward, not backwards. That means letting this go—and accepting that that in itself is a process—so you can move forward into the unknown without this weight. Whether you meet her again in the unknown, or someone else, won't quite matter because it's forward movement, and moving toward great health, that will provide the clarity and comfort that you're seeking right now.

Best of luck.

You did the right thing, OP.

This relationship didn't have the legs to last, for so many reasons. It is going to be better if you cut contact.

Thanks for all your replies so far; they've been very reassuring. I miss her, but I know I need to stay strong.

One of my (female) college mentors that I went to for advice on this (who knows both me and this girl pretty well) told me this: "I love that girl, and it's been so exciting seeing how much she's grown as a person over the years. But she has a long way to go. Just from observing her over time, I can tell she identifies herself by who she is dating. She needs time to be single and to find herself alone, without a guy in the picture."

I'm now thinking maybe it goes both ways -- I need to grow more into myself as well. The girl I let go has always been of the opinion that we could grow together. Out of curiosity, what would you all say to that?

You're only leading her on and continuing a bad situation by still texting or responding to her texts.

By everything you said, this was a very unhealthy relationship. The ex alone was a massive problem but add in everything else, and it's more bad than good.

You made the right decision in ending it.

But to be fair now, stop talking to her. You are only going to be re-opening a wound and giving her hope. There shouldn't be any hope right this moment.

If you do ever get back together, it would have to be at least a year or more down the road and now is definitely not the time.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. End communications so she and you can heal properly.

No..you won't be able to grow together. You need to deal with your own situations, find you owns paths, become who you are, on your own.

You two together will be like two people drowning trying to save one another. You'll be more hindrance than anything good.

Yes, you'll miss one another, that's to be expected. But now is not the time for any kind of romance together and forcing it will only create a very unhappy situation.

Thanks for all your replies so far; they've been very reassuring. I miss her, but I know I need to stay strong.

 

One of my (female) college mentors that I went to for advice on this (who knows both me and this girl pretty well) told me this: "I love that girl, and it's been so exciting seeing how much she's grown as a person over the years. But she has a long way to go. Just from observing her over time, I can tell she identifies herself by who she is dating. She needs time to be single and to find herself alone, without a guy in the picture."

 

I'm now thinking maybe it goes both ways -- I need to grow more into myself as well. The girl I let go has always been of the opinion that we could grow together. Out of curiosity, what would you all say to that?

Short answer. Yes, you need to grow more into yourself, a sentence that will always be true, since that's the point of life. No, you could not grow together, at least not into the right shape.

Sherry gave a great analogy: two drowning people try to save one another. Another way to look at it, if you'll indulge me, would be like cookie dough inside a mold. If your end goal is a perfectly round cookie after baking the dough, you're not going to get there, ever, if your mold is lots of triangles.

You plus her is a triangle mold. That's how you'll "grow" together: into triangles aspiring to be circles. You cut things off because you felt yourself becoming pointy where you are naturally supposed to be round.

With the right person you won't even really have to ask these questions, because you'll just be "rounding out," alongside her. But to find that person, yeah, you've got to do some rounding out on your own so you know your own shape and are confident in the quality of the unique dough that is you.

I'm now thinking maybe it goes both ways -- I need to grow more into myself as well. The girl I let go has always been of the opinion that we could grow together. Out of curiosity, what would you all say to that?

That the very fact she thinks you two could grow together speaks to her emotional immaturity.

She is saying this from a place of fear, of not wanting to sort through her own stuff alone. She is trying to find reasons to get you to hang on and not find herself single. Based on what you have said, she grasped on to you like a life-raft and doesn't know how to swim to shore on her own. She tried to nosedive into this relationship (speaking of marriage) while not having really healed from the last, and not finishing things off properly there first by moving out. That was a big red flag, and the indicator she is not really ready for the relationship she so desperately wants.

Growing "together" here is unrealistic and not really what she wants. She just doesn't want to be single. There is a huge difference.

Try not to spread this thing all over campus. Talk about yourself and don't gossip about her to mutual acquaintances or get into a discussion about how defective she is. Your "mentor" is telling you to stay away from her.

However she's not single, she lives with her bf. So the discussion is moot anyway.

Talk privately and confidentially to a college counselor instead and keep the focus on you, not fixing or changing her.

One of my (female) college mentors that I went to for advice on this (who knows both me and this girl pretty well) told me this: "I love that girl, and it's been so exciting seeing how much she's grown as a person over the years. But she has a long way to go. Just from observing her over time, I can tell she identifies herself by who she is dating. She needs time to be single and to find herself alone, without a guy in the picture."

Once again, thank you all for your responses. I suppose I should be thankful that I am graduated anyways, and we have an hour between each other. We both have our own stuff to focus on. That certainly makes it easier for us to heal and move on. Maybe we'll reconnect romantically in the future, maybe not. But I know I have to believe this was for the best at this point in time, and I hope that she'll come to understand that too.

From the very beginning, your relationship with her, didn't add up.

She still lives with her ex which is plain abnormal.

You live an hour apart which is very impractical. And, you can't visit because her ex is there and she doesn't have a car.

She wants to get married and you don't share mutual feelings regarding marriage nor a serious, committed, legal future with her. You did the right thing to breakup.

Don't feel bad just because she had a crush on you for 4 years. It happens.

Since you were stressed, it was best to let her go. In many ways, you were unselfish because you don't want her to waste her life on you especially if there is no future together. She should be with someone who wants the same thing she wants.

You're in transition. Wait until you're financially independent and settled before seriously considering marriage someday.

Letting go is hard but it's for the best so no one wastes their time, energy and resources on each other.

Many couples go through several people before they find "thee one."

It's best to sever ties completely. No sense hanging on because there is no purpose, no future, no serious commitment, no nothing. Best to go your separate ways. Live and learn.

From the very beginning, your relationship with her, didn't add up.

 

She still lives with her ex which is plain abnormal.

 

You live an hour apart which is very impractical. And, you can't visit because her ex is there and she doesn't have a car.

 

She wants to get married and you don't share mutual feelings regarding marriage nor a serious, committed, legal future with her. You did the right thing to breakup.

 

Don't feel bad just because she had a crush on you for 4 years. It happens.

 

Since you were stressed, it was best to let her go. In many ways, you were unselfish because you don't want her to waste her life on you especially if there is no future together. She should be with someone who wants the same thing she wants.

 

You're in transition. Wait until you're financially independent and settled before seriously considering marriage someday.

 

Letting go is hard but it's for the best so no one wastes their time, energy and resources on each other.

 

Many couples go through several people before they find "thee one."

 

It's best to sever ties completely. No sense hanging on because there is no purpose, no future, no serious commitment, no nothing. Best to go your separate ways. Live and learn.

This makes sense. I guess, for the record, I didn't necessarily find the thought of her being my wife as unappealing. And, to her credit, she was not rushing me into anything. I think it was more that I looked and saw what was unattractive in the relationship thus far. I think I was just overwhelmed by a combination of my life being in a big transition, knowing what she was ready for, and recognizing the messiness of the relationship in general.

And I guess I just wasn't willing to build my life around the relationship, in the state it was in, at this point in time. If, in the future, when we are both ready, we have an opportunity to give it another shot on a clean slate, I think I would take it. But as you said, I need to let her be free so I'm not wasting either of our time, energy, or resources right now.

"We live an hour apart. I can't visit her 95% of the time because the ex is there, and she can't come visit me because she doesn't have a car."

Why torture yourself with this?