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Thread: Struggling since girlfriend told me of her sex tape

  1. #51
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    My gut response to the above is that you have too much of your romantic and masculine identity connected to sex. I mean this gently, but I'll put it bluntly. It's a bit high school, when everything is about what "boys" and "girls" have "done" or "might do," and with whom, and where there is a weird sense of "victory," and even possession, in being the "first" to do x or y. A little swirl of guilt and shame and hopes and hormones.

    The fact that you know her "number," for instance: that is telling to me. Showing my own bias or outlook: I have no idea what my own number is, and that's not because I'm Mick Jagger. Just stopped thinking about sex as an outlier of adult experience. I don't see my girlfriend (or women in general) and think: sex. I just have sex with her when we both want to have sex, a primal language that compliments the more nuanced language of, say, words. No different than when we talk about a book or a value about life, in that moment we are building something completely new and private and mysterious, but that is also an extension of exploration—in ourselves, and with predecessors—of what came before.

    It's lovely, but not heady. My interest is not in being the "best," but in being me—and me with her, unclothed. In my case having this outlook before I even knew her was pretty critical, as she is raising a child with an awesome man who I invariably have some contact with. Their history is their history. My history with her, being written in tandem, is ours.

    Think of it all like drinking. In college it was "crazy" and "loaded," connected to all sorts of ideas about adulthood that were clumsily explored during nights awesome and regrettable. I could probably name every bar I'd been to when I was 21. Today I can't answer that, nor do I keep track of how many drinks I've consumed in the course of my life. Drinking is something I do, responsibly by my standards, though it's not particularly connected to my identity. Sex is the same. Adult stuff. It is part of my identity as a man, and a partner, but just a part, and probably the one I spend the least time thinking about, as their is no buzzkill for the bedroom quite like the human brain.

    Rewind, if you'll forgive the metaphor, to your life with her before the tape. Rewind into your brain, sexually. Was it really that different from what you're feeling right now, or was it just the flip side of the same coin? How much of your identity, in this relationship, comes from feeling like a stud vs feeling like you? Stir in a 10 year long relationship in which the most primal of human desires was "dead"—and, well, you've got yourself an interesting stew to maybe understand a touch better and get more cozy with.

    Not sure if any of that resonates. I think, for the record, this is an awesome moment for you and for your relationship. What you are describing is vulnerability, which is the essence of connection: physically, emotional, intellectual, spiritual. Don't fight it, just embrace it. You're going to feel "emasculated" a zillion more times in the course of your life, under a variety of circumstances. Running counter to that feeling is the fact that you are still a man.

    In other words, what you are feeling right now is being a man, the full spectrum. See it like that and the feeling may start to change shape, morphing from something weakening to another thing that brings strength of a more tender variety.

  2. #52
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    Before all this started my identity in it all wasn’t anything like as wrapped up in sex. I couldn’t have cared less about her past and had little interest in letting her know mine. I wasn’t a stud, just a guy who loved his girlfriend and everything they did together, sex included. That said, after nearly a decade of feeling entirely uncomfortable with the sexual side of a relationship, perhaps I did attribute a little more significance to it on my head.

    The seeds were sown a few months back. Not sure how it first came up, but once Pandora’s box was opened it spiralled. An innocuous comment resulted in revealing our “numbers” (I had no clue of mine and had to mentally track back through, skimming a few off in the process), then she says she used to kiss a guy on most nights out, but no further. I got the questions too, though she had the sense to cut each line of questioning once the details got too gory.

    It was almost like a game of chicken, titillating, adding a bit of edge to things when we started fooling around. Eventually over a period of months more and more comes out, until the reveal of a stiletto-clad sex tape suggests that it’s all went a little too far.

    It’s never led to an argument, never led to a disagreement. I still both show and tell her I love her every day, hold her when she goes to sleep. I suppose that final reveal was just that little bit more than I expected and took a while to process.

    Today I don’t feel as emasculated, nor vulnerable. The images in my mind that caused sadness and guilty arousal at the same time continue to feel a bit dimmer, I can almost laugh at the whole situation. Tomorrow I might feel a bit anxious about it again, but the blips are becoming fewer and further between.

    She’s my wonderful girlfriend. I feel things with her I’ve never felt before and my heart melts every time I look at her. 10 years ago she put on some shoes and did it with a guy on camera. When I spell it out like that it’s really not the end of the world.

  3. #53
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to stop blaming her. If you have a fetish fine, own it. Stop beating her up in your mind over your issues with all this.
    Originally Posted by Horridhenry
    Before all this started .....

  4. #54
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You need to stop blaming her. If you have a fetish fine, own it. Stop beating her up in your mind over your issues with all this.
    What are you talking about? I’m not blaming her for anything and the last message was about dealing with the tape, not the “fetish.”

    Seriously, where in that last message have I blamed or shamed her for anything? Please point it out.

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  6. #55
    Your partner's experience was horrible because it was the wrong person who pressured her into it. Might be cathartic for her to wear some heels for you in the bedroom. As long as she is willing, nothing wrong with asking her for some kinky love making. The desire to be the kinkiest love making she has had is normal as well, as long as you don't insist on anything she says she tried and is sure she dislikes. You need to reassure her a lot that this one bad sexual experience shouldn't haunt and hurt her anymore That it ultimately doesn't matter if the recording is there or not and give her some sexual healing whilst she's wearing high heals. :)

    You seem very hard on yourself. None of these feelings you describe even qualify as retroactive jealousy. They are more in line with normal human feelings and jealousy. You are too self-critical for your own good. You need to work on it. Be as kind and understanding with yourself as you are with your partner.

  7. #56
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    Originally Posted by missusAshley
    Your partner's experience was horrible because it was the wrong person who pressured her into it. Might be cathartic for her to wear some heels for you in the bedroom. As long as she is willing, nothing wrong with asking her for some kinky love making. The desire to be the kinkiest love making she has had is normal as well, as long as you don't insist on anything she says she tried and is sure she dislikes. You need to reassure her a lot that this one bad sexual experience shouldn't haunt and hurt her anymore That it ultimately doesn't matter if the recording is there or not and give her some sexual healing whilst she's wearing high heals. :)

    You seem very hard on yourself. None of these feelings you describe even qualify as retroactive jealousy. They are more in line with normal human feelings and jealousy. You are too self-critical for your own good. You need to work on it. Be as kind and understanding with yourself as you are with your partner.
    Yeah I found it quite baffling that having any reaction at all to this was largely regarded as being at best weak, at worst controlling. Few people would hear that story and not get something that approaches jealousy.

    The further it goes from my mind the less I care abut the shoes as well. If it happens it happens but it’s not the biggest deal.

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