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Thread: Struggling since girlfriend told me of her sex tape

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    She was drinking when she cried telling you.
    She regrets it but it doesn’t affect her that much , what affects her is the prospect that you might be offended by it.

    I bet it’s a big relief to her having told you.

    She experimented with a bit of mild kink 10 years ago! So what!?

    Bear in mind that she has told you she prefers vanilla and loving so I wouldn’t be pressuring her to reenact something she regretted.
    At least not anytime soon.

    Maybe in 6 months if you come back from a night where she is wearing heels you could ask her to leave them on.
    If she doesn’t want to , accept that.

    There is no point discussing this further with her. It’s out , she is relieved, get on with being a great couple that you have been before this revelation.
    I’d actually mentioned the high heels thing to her a while back. She said she was cool with it and she knows that men find them hot so didn’t think it was weird. I got the feeling she’d balk a bit at wearing them specifically for sex but she’ll be happy to keep them on one night (though she rarely wears them now - she only really did for going out clubbing when she was younger.)

    I mentioned it again last night to say that I’m happy to put my heels thing to one side as it might bring back a bad memory. She said the context in which we have sex is entirely different, so she doesn’t associate heels with that night

    Think it’s all resolved now. One thing I certainly won’t be asking is to make our own video! Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #42
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Ya I think she just wanted to release it, and now she's done that she's feeling much better about it. Sometimes it just takes a confession to make things all better. You know getting something off yer chest, can be a good remedy.

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Ya I think she just wanted to release it, and now she's done that she's feeling much better about it. Sometimes it just takes a confession to make things all better. You know getting something off yer chest, can be a good remedy.
    Yeah she seemed oddly relieved. She’d only told one person before, a friend who didn’t take it well. I think it helped for me to reassure her she wasn’t seedy or amoral and also that the odds of it ever surfacing are now tiny.

    It made me look at myself a bit more objectively too. My own past is quite grubby and nothing to be proud of - loads of one-night stands, buddies, ghosting and cheating in my early 20s. Thinking even a tiny bit less of her for one kinky night is out of line.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Horridhenry
    Yeah she seemed oddly relieved. She’d only told one person before, a friend who didn’t take it well. I think it helped for me to reassure her she wasn’t seedy or amoral and also that the odds of it ever surfacing are now tiny.

    It made me look at myself a bit more objectively too. My own past is quite grubby and nothing to be proud of - loads of one-night stands, buddies, ghosting and cheating in my early 20s. Thinking even a tiny bit less of her for one kinky night is out of line.
    Sounds like good moment for you both—maybe a needed step toward letting go of some guilt and self-judgement about whatever you each did in your 20s so you can continue to connect in a more mature way in your 30s. Everything you're talking about, from a sex tape to some random flings, are nothing to feel you need to keep atoning for or feel particularly "grubby" about. Just moments in time, pretty universal in the scheme of things—and, hey, all things that eventually led to you two meeting.

    That's how I like to look at it, at least. No point hating where we've been if we like where we are, as those two things are connected.

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sounds like good moment for you both—maybe a needed step toward letting go of some guilt and self-judgement about whatever you each did in your 20s so you can continue to connect in a more mature way in your 30s. Everything you're talking about, from a sex tape to some random flings, are nothing to feel you need to keep atoning for or feel particularly "grubby" about. Just moments in time, pretty universal in the scheme of things—and, hey, all things that eventually led to you two meeting.

    That's how I like to look at it, at least. No point hating where we've been if we like where we are, as those two things are connected.
    Love that last sentence. A good mantra to live by.

    Last nights chat also made me self-reflect a little on my tendency to exaggerate things inside my own head, which I need to take a look at and work on stopping.

    In my head, I’d made this out to be basically a porno shoot and a massive turn-on for her. She got dressed up in heels and underwear specifically and put on a show for the camera and her boyfriend.

    Her take however, was that they got in drunk and started fooling around. He asked if she’d keep her shoes on. She said ok. He asked if he could film it. She said ok. Far more mundane than the story in my head.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It's a mantra that works for me.

    All that storytelling is natural, if also something to be aware of and reflect on here and there. Typically it's associated with something we might be a little insecure or guilty about in our own lives—with sex, for many people, kind of ground zero for all that. Grab a book of Freud's, turn to a random page, and that's basically the gist.

    If you're an adult, the general outline of everyone you meet is going to be roughly the same on this front: they've had incredible sex, they've had mediocre sex—sometimes with the same people, sometimes not. They've probably made some regrettable choices, and some choices that seemed dubious but turned out to be a lot of fun. They've had sex with however many people they've had sex with before having sex with you, and none of those choices were made to impress, soothe, or frighten you.

    It's really only as mysterious as you want to make it, in short. The more comfortable you get with yourself—your body, where its been, what it needs to be sated—the less you'll really care about the Wikipedia page of someone else's history. Sure, some people can enjoy a little fetish around all that—and, hey, all the power to them.

    But this all sounds a bit like some post-adolescent residue you're both just shaking off a bit as you come further into yourselves as individuals, with and alongside each other. And that's an awesome journey, because that's growth. Enjoy it, together, without getting all hung up on the details, and the good road you two have been on will just keep getting better.

  8. #47
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    Had a little wobble in my head on this one again. I didn’t speak to her or let it cause an issue, but it came back.

    The unwanted turn on aspect has pretty much died down, however the thought that somewhere out there, possibly even online is a visual record of my gf having sexual with someone else is now popping in.

    It’s also given me a sort of unhealthy determination to have sex with her in high heels, which is childish. Before this came out I thought heels were hot but didn’t felll I NEEDED to have sex with her in them so to speak, but now it feels like it’s something I have to do to level the playing field.

    It got to the extent last night that she was buying shoes online for an upcoming party and I actually felt internally annoyed at her considering a lower heel option in case he’d feet hurt. It made me feel things like “she got hot ones for HIM, why not me?” Obviously I didn’t say anything.

    So childish, so pointless but I struggle to control my thoughts.

  9. #48
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like two separate issues. One, she confessed she made a tape and felt bad and Two your high heel fetish. Treat them as such. Forget about the tape and talk to her about how much you like her in high heels.
    Originally Posted by Horridhenry
    It got to the extent last night that she was buying shoes online for an upcoming party and I actually felt internally annoyed at her considering a lower heel option in case he’d feet hurt. It made me feel things like “she got hot ones for HIM, why not me?” Obviously I didn’t say anything.

  10. #49
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like two separate issues. One, she confessed she made a tape and felt bad and Two your high heel fetish. Treat them as such. Forget about the tape and talk to her about how much you like her in high heels.
    Yeah I know - the annoying thing is that it wasn’t even a big deal before. I liked the thought of her in heels but wasn’t desperate to do it or anything. Truth be told it’s happened with exes and usually turned out less sexy than expected.

    I don’t think it’s specifically the tape now, more that I know the heels thing happened and feel I have to push for it, despite my own better judgement. I don’t think she cares that much about them and think she only did it before because she was asked.

    No idea where this all came from!
    Last edited by Horridhenry; 11-11-2019 at 06:52 AM.

  11. #50
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    Another thing to add here if anyone can help.

    A peculiar feeling from this has been a slight sense of emasculation. It’s not huge, but it doesn’t make sense.

    It’s not as if I’ve been cuckolded here. I have sex with this girl multiple times a week, she is crazy about me and me about her. Her reactions and comments to what I do plus her desire to do them tell me she loves that aspect of our relationship. She knows her body, knows her desires and I have not the slightest doubt she’s happier sexually than she was in 2009 when she made the tape.

    There is nothing in what she told me that reflects on me.

    Any ideas? One weird thing that’s popped in is the timing (summer 2009). I was 2 years into a 10 year relationship and it was right about then that my own sex life fell into a dead bedroom scenario. Don’t ask why I stuck around!

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