Struggling since girlfriend told me of her sex tape

[Horridhenry]

Short answer: You've just got to ride this choppy little wave, owing that some immaturity and oversharing got the best of you, and trusting things will level off.

Longer answer: I get the sense that both of you still have a bit of adolescent edginess around sex. Prior to this awkward moment you'd exchanged "numbers," which to me—and this is just me—is kind of the stuff for dorm room confessionals, not 30something connections. All that is just infusing sex with more weight and meaning than it needs, to say nothing of a salt shake of shame, a bit the way younger people are with booze: it's "crazy" to go into a bar and order a beer when you're 21, even kind of "wrong," but just a thing you do at 30, and whether you've gone to 10 bars or 100 in those interim years doesn't really matter. Probably there were some nights when you drank too much, hopefully not too many. Shrug emoji.

Accept whatever you feel right now: a little jealous, a little aroused, a little curious, a little emasculated. That's all allowed. That will all pass. Recognizing feelings as they pass through you, without reacting too intensely, is kind of how you grow—and, alongside another, grow closer. Awkward moment for growth, for sure, but they don't call them growing pains for nothing. Hopefully you both get to a point, independent of each other, where that chapter doesn't induce a cringe. Life is both too short and too complex for something like this to be an emotional pebble in the shoe.

Thanks a lot, that’s what I needed to hear. You’re right about the juvenile views on sex. In the interim decade we were both stuck in relationships with crappy or non-existent sex so maybe that’s why we’re like that.

I’ll ride the choppiness and resist the temptation to ask her to wear heels in bed.

[pippy longstocking]

Well this is a refreshing change from the usual ,* I can't get over her past* , you actually want to get off on her past ! .... I have met people in my life that have told me similar things ( not me , I am in the * no need to discuss the past* gang) men and women that the thought of their partner having/had sex with another turns them on..a lot .

You both need to put a filter on it though , stop the stories ...because this is what it does , someone always walks away obsessing . So don't be asking her anything else , don't let her tell anymore and so what , it turns you on ...just be turned on , there is no drama .

The whole high heel thing ...well all you need to do is break free from your vanilla routine and start playing and enjoying sex and all it has to offer , be it role play , dressing up or wearing nothing but a piercing .

[Rose Mosse]

The day after she told me she said it haunted her at least once a week since it happened. However she’s been ok since and I don’t know how big a deal it is. It think it’s more something that pops into her head and makes her cringe, rather than keeping her up all night.

I don’t know if I can let it go. Maybe I’m just jealous because high heels were involved, or because we’ll never do anything like she did that night.

I know it’s no threat to our relationship but it’s affecting me.

We all feel jealousy. It's something that's human and it tells us that we're lacking in some areas and might like to or wish to do better. It may also indicate misgivings and regrets having to do with the past. Most often, it's about how much we think we are lacking as people.

The quicker you recognize that emotion within you the faster you will be at decoding and breaking down your own insecurities (processing them and improving yourself). There is no trick method or magical spell that waves away misgivings, insecurities and jealousy. You work from the ground up and take a very good look at the little holes that are causing you to feel hollow and tapped out.

You owe it to yourself to do that work because regardless of what it is or what triggers you it will continue to trigger you again and again, no matter what relationship you are in. Put it to rest and do the work on yourself. Never fight those emotions or that feeling of jealousy. It's a litmus test for where you are at and what you can do to improve.

I think you're also working with a fetish for high heels (nothing wrong with that) and this type of abstraction or sexually charged notion/idea has meaning. You've constructed a meaning for it and it does something for you that other things might not in the bedroom. Pay more attention to those constructs you've developed. I think this is a gateway for you in learning more and understanding what turns you on. Don't shy away from it! Open it up and be fearless in the way you view yourself. Don't feel ashamed or isolated. You're not alone.

[Horridhenry]

We all feel jealousy. It's something that's human and it tells us that we're lacking in some areas and might like to or wish to do better. It may also indicate misgivings and regrets having to do with the past. Most often, it's about how much we think we are lacking as people.

The quicker you recognize that emotion within you the faster you will be at decoding and breaking down your own insecurities (processing them and improving yourself). There is no trick method or magical spell that waves away misgivings, insecurities and jealousy. You work from the ground up and take a very good look at the little holes that are causing you to feel hollow and tapped out.

You owe it to yourself to do that work because regardless of what it is or what triggers you it will continue to trigger you again and again, no matter what relationship you are in. Put it to rest and do the work on yourself. Never fight those emotions or that feeling of jealousy. It's a litmus test for where you are at and what you can do to improve.

I think you're also working with a fetish for high heels (nothing wrong with that) and this type of abstraction or sexually charged notion/idea has meaning. You've constructed a meaning for it and it does something for you that other things might not in the bedroom. Pay more attention to those constructs you've developed. I think this is a gateway for you in learning more and understanding what turns you on. Don't shy away from it! Open it up and be fearless in the way you view yourself. Don't feel ashamed or isolated. You're not alone.

It’s not quite a fetish as I don’t need them to get excited, but yes it’s something that “does it” for me. Thanks for not judging!

Had it been hold ups, racy underwear or the like my reaction would have been similar, if more muted.

[bluecastle]

I’ll ride the choppiness and resist the temptation to ask her to wear heels in bed.

Why resist it? As DF said, why not do what you want to do, rather than spin around in your head about what others have done before you? It's kind of the difference between being driven by shame and being driven by curiosity.

Replace "high heels" with "Malaysian food," meaning you learned that she once ate at this Malaysian joint with a long ago ex. Oh, you think, I've always wanted to try Malaysian. And so, together, you try some Malaysian food, demystifying it through deliciousness.

Sex is no different, really, unless we half-hate ourselves for wanting to have sex in various ways. Key is to spend more time doing it than talking about it, much like eating. You don't get nourished, nor do you expand your appetite, by hearing what someone ate for lunch in 2009. In fact, you just get hungrier.

[Horridhenry]

Why resist it? As DF said, why not do what you want to do, rather than spin around in your head about what others have done before you? It's kind of the difference between being driven by shame and being driven by curiosity.

Replace "high heels" with "Malaysian food," meaning you learned that she once ate at this Malaysian joint with a long ago ex. Oh, you think, I've always wanted to try Malaysian. And so, together, you try some Malaysian food, demystifying it through deliciousness.

Sex is no different, really, unless we half-hate ourselves for wanting to have sex in various ways. Key is to spend more time doing it than talking about it, much like eating. You don't get nourished, nor do you expand your appetite, by hearing what someone ate for lunch in 2009. In fact, you just get hungrier.

I’ve mentioned the heels to her before and she was cool with doing it. The urge to do it has gotten much stronger now since her story though. Also have a bit of a concern it will bring back bad memories - she described the sex and the whole experience that night as horrible.

Love the food analogy, it really makes sense and shows how dumb my worries are. I can’t help it though!

[bluecastle]

I can’t help it though!

You actually can, is the thing. You can't help whatever you feel at any given second, but you can choose how you label those feelings. If you label them "bad," they turn into a boogey man. Label them "human," and something else happens.

Children are scared of the dark. They adjust to it, with a nightlight, which helps them be calm and patient. Then they stop needing a nightlight. The dark didn't change shape, but their perception of it did. It just became darkness, not a black hole of fear and anxiety.

Right now you are labeling the urge "bad," along with what you've learned about her, since she labels it as such. Try labeling it all "human," and see what happens, being open and curious about whatever might happen, since there are actually no "bad" outcomes.

[dias]

I’ve mentioned the heels to her before and she was cool with doing it. The urge to do it has gotten much stronger now since her story though. Also have a bit of a concern it will bring back bad memories - she described the sex and the whole experience that night as horrible.

Love the food analogy, it really makes sense and shows how dumb my worries are. I can’t help it though!

If you are going to muck the bed up at least do it with food not shoes. It's more tasty.

[maew]

You actually can, is the thing. You can't help whatever you feel at any given second, but you can choose how you label those feelings. If you label them "bad," they turn into a boogey man. Label them "human," and something else happens.

Children are scared of the dark. They adjust to it, with a nightlight, which helps them be calm and patient. Then they stop needing a nightlight. The dark didn't change shape, but their perception of it did. It just became darkness, not a black hole of fear and anxiety.

Right now you are labeling the urge "bad," along with what you've learned about her, since she labels it as such. Try labeling it all "human," and see what happens, being open and curious about whatever might happen, since there are actually no "bad" outcomes.

Great advice.... OP just take some time to process your feelings around it. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling, just go with it and don't project it onto your GF... the feelings will pass eventually.

She is still the same person she was before she told you.

And if you want her to wear heels in bed, ask her to wear heels in bed... that is SUCH a common turn on, as is fantasizing about her having sex with someone else, or you having sex with someone else. Just be respectful about it.

[huskiesfan]

And if you want her to wear heels in bed, ask her to wear heels in bed... that is SUCH a common turn on, as is fantasizing about her having sex with someone else, or you having sex with someone else. Just be respectful about it.

I agree with this. Just ask her to do it..that's not an uncommon turnon. Hell, I've asked my fiancée about that and she's been up for it. It was a little awkward on my part, but finding that she was perfectly willing to indulge one of my kinks was such a validating feeling.

Perhaps the sex that you and her have can wash away the bad memories she associates with that night as well.