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Thread: Relationship trust and tension. Are my boundaries reasonable?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Since you state you have jealousy and insecurity issues, she's the last type of woman you should've entered into a relationship with. Date a woman who has a job that doesn't involve entertaining men, and a woman who doesn't have friendships with men who are romantically interested in her. If your issues have ruined other relationships, seek therapy for your toxic traits.

    If you remain in this relationship, she will grow to resent your boundaries, which she doesn't share, once the honeymoon stage wears off. She has the right to be who she is, and if you're not okay with that, walk away. She should be with someone who is crazy about her as is.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I've said to people like you (both men and woman) before, Op... that if I had to do what you've done in order to trust a romantic or, business partner even, then just kill me now.

    You'll never trust this woman because she goes against the very grain of your own morals and sensibilities and instead of just leaving her and finding someone more like yourself who wouldn't do the things, or the jobs, or have the friends she has, you try to change the very fiber of her. So very codependent and dysfunctional of YOU.

    You will never feel safe with her so just call it now and save both of you a decade of grief. I say "decade" because your codependent nature likely won't let you stop torturing yourself and her for at least that long. Perhaps she'll wizen up and dump you before you drive her over the deep end... time will tell.

    In the meantime, perhaps you'd do well to get some therapy to help you deal with your need to control and your inability to let go of something your gut has been kicking you in the butt to get you to let go of. You.Do.Not.Trust.Her. which equals anxiety and angst in you.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    If it were just the boss, but the bartending, strip club, social media influencing, walking that fine line of what you feel is inappropriate exchanges, the list goes on. . you' ve spent all this energy basically dismantling who she is to suite you and your insecurities.
    This isn't so much about healthy boundaries but maybe more about you finding someone better suited for you.
    I get the sense you are trying to mold her. That's not fair to her either.
    All this was a package deal you knowingly signed up for. Now you want her to be someone entirely different.

  4. #14

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    Thank you bluecastle for the intelligent comment and to all for chiming in. I get it.

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  6. #15
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    You knew who she was when you starting dating. I am a bit confused at your choice when you have insecurity and jealousy issues.

    Do you usually look for women you can make over? It sounds like you have a lot of control issues. You sound like a parent. Unhealthy!

    Deal with you own sh@t through therapy. You also need to end it.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 11-08-2019 at 07:20 PM.

  7. #16
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    If your boundary is that you don't date smokers, you don't ask smokers out- that's a healthy boundary

    if someone smokes catches your eye, you go on a few dates and demand they quit, then you are a jerk.

    You are doing the second.

    If she was a bank teller and a year into your relationship, she decided she wanted to strip or something, that's when you can chime in.

    This woman has done nothing but respect your boundaries - she quit a job she already had when she met you for gosh sakes, she has her boss on speaker. What more can she do to calm your insecurities?

    So - break up -- she is not doing anything shifty --- and every time she does something to appease her, you raise the bar.

    Either trust her starting now or break up.

  8. #17
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    Agree with everyone else. To be honest at this point she is doing nothing wrong. She quit her bartender job, stop posting sexy pictures on social media, and she is very transparent with you about her boss. While someone is single, they can do whatever they want, so she was doing that. Then she changed all that for you. Understandably if she's an attractive woman, she will get male attention. But you can't just keep her on a leash and control every aspect of her life. This man is her boss so she can't just stop talking to him. Also nothing had ever happened between them before. She rejected his advances. It doesn't sound to me like she's actually doing anything but you can't stop men from looking at her. And if you have a problem with her previous work, well you shouldn't have been dating her.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Your 'boundaries' are supposed to be about you, not her. All you're doing is bossing around someone you admired enough to date, and now you're trying to change everything about her. That's not a boundary, it's just you co-opting jargon to demand that someone else should cater to your insecurities.

    Either you can trust that this woman has done a fabulous job of managing her own life, career and relationships on her own and long before she met you, or you can't. If not, you're going to insist this woman right into a resentment toward you that will fulfill all of your fears about losing her. She'll grow tired of walking on eggshells around you and will dump yer azz.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Maybe she's just not the woman for you...Yes she's wonderful to you, attractive, fun...but so far you have requested her to change things about her over and over, but would you ever be satisfied? Now I get it, discussing boundaries are crucial, and most understand you have to adjust your lifestyle when you are no longer single, and she has complied. BUT she's still an independent individual, her own self. You shouldn't force someone to be the way you want them to be, how is that fair? This is becoming unhealthy, and starting all kinds of resentment from both sides. IMO, if you want this to work, you need to trust her. So far she has proven loyalty, and even gave up her job to keep you happy. I think she has done enough for this relaitonship...now it's your turn to provide changes for her...and that's getting off her back about this guy.

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