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Thread: Please, no judgement on this situation.

  1. #1

    Please, no judgement on this situation.

    I am hoping some advice will be given here without judgment on the situation. Please believe me when I say I have been grieving terribly and not coping very well the past month or so in general due to the circumstance. However, the situation I am questioning about has lead to further grief, making it an extremely rough time at the moment. I am unsure who else to turn to, so I believe this may be a good place to start.

    I had been dating a wonderful man for almost a year, I must point out here that he was reliable, considerate, caring and very understanding. We shared a good bond with many great moments and we were physically involved.

    Then everything took an unexpected turn. I had become unwell temporarily, which lead to my contraception failing without my knowledge at the time.
    I had fallen pregnant, I discovered this very early stages with a home pregnancy test, as I knew something was just not right.
    I felt afraid, mixed emotions and perhaps numb to an extent.
    I wasn’t fearful of telling him, I never doubted for a moment that he wouldn’t be there, and he was.
    He stepped up like any decent man would and we communicated and worked together weighing up the pros and cons. I am a very career driven woman and we both agreed due to many circumstances, it was best not to proceed. We both made this decision.
    This did not make the decision any easier for the both of us, it was a terrible time and we were definitely very emotional on the final decision but we knew for the sake of ourselves and for the baby, it would have been unfair to go ahead with it.
    Until the final decision, we were in it together. We knew it would be a hard time but we would get through it together, I had no doubts.

    A week after the termination, I had an extremely emotional day. I was an emotional mess and not thinking rationally or calmly, I still do not know why I said what I did, but I sent him an extremely long message expressing myself of wanting to cut ties. There was a lot more to that message, but that is probably the most important part. He did respond with a heartfelt response, which was basically giving me what I want and that he just wanted me to be happy.
    Within an hour I responded with an apology and expressed that I was in a very low mind at the present time and I take it all back. That I still needed and wanted him in my life.

    Since that day, I have not received anything back. He became uncontactable within just a week and a few short days after the termination.
    I have sent a number of messages over the past few weeks (definitely probably not the wisest choice)
    I have expressed to him how I am feeling, how I am not coping and worrying if he is coping okay too, that I wish he would speak to me again because I have no understanding of why he is doing this. I am still connected to him through all social networking applications too, have not been removed or blocked, although he is not posting anything.

    It has been a month, since he has not made contact. I had said everything I could. I am grieving in more ways than one, I am grieving for two losses currently and I cannot think of any logical reason why he would continue to cut me out so coldly when he genuinely cared to begin with and has been informed I did not mean any of it.
    If I am barely coping, maybe he is not coping so well either.
    I do not know, but any advice would be very appreciated.

    As I mentioned, please no judgement on this situation as I am very fragile at the moment. I am just looking for some thoughts on this from different perspectives.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. When you go for medical follow-up ask your doctor to refer you to a therapist to unpack all this and perhaps be evaluated for other underlying issues complicating and already difficult situation. It sounds like you were very angry with him and let him know this.

    You ended things with this man and he blocked you/went no contact, which is best for both of you.. Focus on yourself, your recovery and getting appropriate help and support.
    Originally Posted by LouiseLou
    I had been dating a wonderful man for almost a year.
    I sent him an extremely long message expressing myself of wanting to cut ties.
    Since that day, I have not received anything back.
    I have sent a number of messages over the past few weeks.
    I have expressed to him how I am feeling, how I am not coping.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    It is possible he is just as emotional as you and needs to be alone. I am sorry this happened , abortions and or losing a child often end relationships. Men feel emotional as well as women.

    Maybe it is a good time to see your dr.

    I can totally appreciate feeling emotional. I had 4 miscarriages myself.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Very sorry to hear about your situation and understandable grief*

    I do think it's a bit cruel of him to just cut contact with you like that although doing otherwise may just prolong the inevitable and cause false hope if he's not wanting to continue the relationship....

    However, I also know that NC can be a bit trauma inducing as the brain has trouble making such an abrupt adjustment....I really do hope he hasn't fallen prey to the 'Go NC To Get Your Ex Back' programs that are touted everywhere these days!

    Still, whichever way you slice it, it does say to me that he is no longer wanting to be in this relationship and perhaps has been feeling that way for while....

    As 'dumpees' (for want of a better word) we mostly feel that this comes out of the blue.."Loved me in the morning. Left me in the afternoon"....But usually that person has been having doubts for a while and just hasn't expressed that to you....In a lot of cases, we're actually the last person to find out! :-/

    This also doesn't really bode well for how he would handle relationship issues in the future if this is how he chooses to deal with it....

    Yes you are grieving and grieving sux big time...Really not a fan of it myself but I guess it's part of being alive isn't it....

    And so for now, don't contact him anymore, you are only causing yourself further pain. Sleep and eat the best you can. If you have an income, do your best to show up at work and protect that. Go for walks. Drink water. Stay off the alcohol....Your body will need good care as you work through this....

    And you will....You will be ok. Takes time. Be patient with yourself. Wounds need proper healing, not quick fix distractions and bandaids*

    Hope that helps.

    Regards
    Carus*

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Imo, you had every right to the choice you made so absolutely no judgement there. Regarding the break-up, unfortunately it's not one of the things that you can always take back. Sometimes a break up really breaks one's emotions to the point that there is no going back for them even if you try to take it back. It might be that the whole situation became so hurtful and stressful for him that he decided that he can't handle any more stress and doesn't want back the relationship.

    For the time being, imo, it would be best to step back, respect his silence and focus on getting yourself back on your feet. You have said your piece and he knows that you didn't mean it. You went through a traumatic experience and you now need to take care of yourself and take time to grieve your losses and heal.

    You both did the best you could at the time but it sounds like things became way too intense for your relationship to survive. Imo, the best thing to do at this point is to focus on your own healing, surrounding yourself with supportive family and friends. Take one day at a time and in time things WILL get better. Good luck.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    No judgement here. You did what you both decided on for what was best in your situation. This has been tragic for the both of you. I agree, this most likely has taken a huge emotional toll on him too. I hate to say it, but he probably doesn't want to be reminded about what happened, and is completely removing himself in order to go forward. It would be no different than all the couples that get divorced after the loss of a child. It's just too painful. I hope you seek counseling. This would be available through a women's health/family planning clinic.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    No judgement here. You did what you both decided on for what was best in your situation. This has been tragic for the both of you. I agree, this most likely has taken a huge emotional toll on him too. I hate to say it, but he probably doesn't want to be reminded about what happened, and is completely removing himself in order to go forward. It would be no different than all the couples that get divorced after the loss of a child. It's just too painful. I hope you seek counseling. This would be available through a women's health/family planning clinic.
    I agree with this... you gave him an out, and he took it...I am sorry you are having to process grieving two losses at once :( use this as an opportunity to be selfish and to process your feelings around this without having to be accountable to anyone else for awhile.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why did you want to end things?
    Originally Posted by LouiseLou
    I sent him an extremely long message expressing myself of wanting to cut ties.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    There is no reason to judge you. It was your body, your right, and it is never an easy process for anybody!

    I think you were correct in that he is also going through his own emotions. Perhaps when you wanted to end things with him, then changed your mind, he felt like it was too much of a roller coaster ride right now with his emotions and yours.

    I'm sorry you have to grieve for two losses. I really wish you the best; know that you WILL get through this.

  11. #10
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    Louise... when I was young, I was in this situation...It's very hard, and I still think of the decision I made from time to time and wonder "what if"... It's one thing in my life that I regret, but, I can't beat myself up about it because I know it was the right thing at the right time, and I was young and not ready.

    I think you need to stop worrying about him, and just worry about yourself. Go see a therapist if you think it will help. You need to take care of yourself at this time and not worry about anyone else. Self care is what's important.

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