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Thread: Will this end my engagement?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    But..wouldn't it have just been easier to not answer the phone? After all, it's not your place to be honest. It's her mess (so to speak).

    Just leave it. Or at least if it had been my partner, I would have.

    Looking at her end of it, she was behaving badly and that says a lot about her and who she is.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I mean... there's a whole lot to unpack.

    First, and I'm knocking it out first because I think it's by far the lesser of the sins here, holy **** I've got no idea how you default to coming up with some obnoxious cover for her? Like... "I don't know, I've been at work, you're gonna have to reach her" is all that needs saying. She's a grown woman. Let her navigate her work. That's just a lot of "wow" right there. At the same time, she no-called, no-showed, and they likely dug up her emergency contact (you). It was a severe lapse in common sense to pass off a story, but I wouldn't expect you to not pick up. It's a crappy situation to put you in regardless of just how exponentially better you could have handled it.

    That said, this speaks much more volumes than anything else:
    I feel there's something underlying though. A couple weeks prior (before uni news) I went to my mates (she doesnt like ) engagement party and when i got home she tried to kick me out. Left the house. Told me she was never coming back until I dropped all contact with him. So I did.
    Assuming no other foul play there, that sounds like it'd be about it for me. I think there's a lot more sickness in your relationship than just that incident. Frankly, if I had a lady dictating my friends, threatening to kick me out, and no-call, no-showing at work, that's pretty much right down the list "bye, Felicia."

    How long have you two even been together?

  3. #13
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    This relationship completely lacks the maturity and stability to support a decent marriage.

    So yes, this will probably end your engagement. And it honestly sounds like you two never would have made it to the altar anyway.

    This needs to be over.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    But..wouldn't it have just been easier to not answer the phone? After all, it's not your place to be honest. It's her mess (so to speak).

    Just leave it. Or at least if it had been my partner, I would have.

    Looking at her end of it, she was behaving badly and that says a lot about her and who she is.
    What if her work was calling him to tell him there was an accident at work and to let him know she is hospital?
    She has clearly given his number as a next of kin. If she didnít trust him why did shegive her boss his number??

    He likely didnít know it was her work calling, I doubt he saved her bosses number in his phone , it was an emergency contact number to contact and she should have known thatís who her work would call. If she didnít show up without calling in sick.

    He was caught off guard and imo responded perfectly given that!!

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Do you live together? Where did she go? You're in a power struggle. Both of you are trying to control each other. You would both do a lot better if you stopped butting into each other's business this much.

    You're completely incompatible. It's been over a year that you've been at each other's throats. You're not the victim here, you just can't get along and try to control everything.
    Originally Posted by Pls halp
    She's told me to stay out of it, so that's what I'm doing.
    I've been doing this every few weeks for a year or so.

    I went to my mates engagement party and when i got home she tried to kick me out. Left the house. Told me she was never coming back.
    I don't know if I can do it this time. currently we are done I think and she's blocked me from all sorts of contact.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pippy longstocking
    Sometimes keeping quiet for an easy life can equate to enabling a persons bad behaviour and it looks like this is where you are with her . Of course to not enable means you have to defend your own opinion and stop the grovelling, which by the sounds of it is going to be a hassle for you , but stand your ground often enough and the other person hopefully stops the bad behaviour .

    I feel like you were backed into a corner with every man and their dog contacting you from her work , while she buries her head in the sand at home ..I don't know how you could of kept it up and pacify their worry at the same time if you hadn't had said at least something . I see no wrong with your actions .

    I pretty much guess she will be unblocking you at some point , so it is now up to you if you allow her to jump back on board or not .
    ^This. Couldn't agree more in that you were in an impossible situation. Could you have maybe said something more tactful or stonewalled a little bit? Easy to judge from the armchair after the fact. Not so easy when you are neck deep in it. Bottom line is that you are an honest straight shooter type person and did just that - tell the truth.

    It seems that you have some very serious issues between you starting with that critical thing called values. You are an honest straightforward person, she is a liar and a bad one at that. This seems to be an ongoing issue of contention between you. On that note, I don't think you are grasping just how serious of a problem it is to date, or worse, marry a liar like that. You can't understand why can't she....well....she can't and it will never ever change. She will lie about a lot things in life, big things, little things, important things and please have no illusions that you would be an exception. She will lie to you too and probably has plenty even if you aren't aware. She seems to do well to shift blame on you for her poor behavior and make it out to be your fault somehow and you reward that bs by groveling instead of putting her out to the curb where she actually belongs.

    The other issues that you are touching on, with her demanding you stop being friends with someone, threatening to kick you out..... Dude, you need to take a long step back from this relationship, stop groveling and think long and hard if you really want to be married to someone who is unstable way beyond current stress. Not to mention how she handles that stress is appalling. Don't focus on the good times, pay attention to how the person acts when things aren't so good because that's when you see their true character and personality. You may love her, but good grief, you shouldn't have her in your life. Is your engagement over? I hope so for your own good and well being and future life. That would be the greatest bullet you've ever dodged or ever will dodge.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Dancingfool pretty much said what I was thinking.

    Regarding the recent fight, I think it's just another example of her refusal to take responsibility for her own actions.
    She's blaming you for fall out of her bailing on work. That's not on you or anything you did or did not say when asked point blank where she is. Did she honestly expect you to be part of a cover up for her? Ridiculous.

    You will never 'win' with someone who can't own even simple mistakes. It will always be someone's else's fault, and manipulation plus control will always be in the picture.

    I wish you well. Enjoy the peace of this coming to an end. Absolutely, she would have made your life hell if you married her. She already did and you weren't even married!

  9. #18
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    I agree with everyone who said she is skating out of her responsibilities and put you in an impossible situation. I think you responded perfectly given the circumstances. Overally, she sounds controlling, toxic, and irresponsible. Look up DARVO so you can familiarize yourself with it and understand how it may have been incorporated into your relationship. I know it's harsh but I think the end of your engagement is in your best interest.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    This woman causes her own problems with her school and job by acting like a juvenile. She's not marriage material. Either you're willing to recognize that, or you are not. I'd find my own place to live and move my focus onto stabilizing my own life. I'd tell this woman that she's welcome to contact me if she ever decides to do the same, and if I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish her the best.

    It makes no sense to pretzel yourself around someone else's instability. If you opt to do that, you're learning what it will buy you--continual anxiety and fighting. You can't 'parent' another adult into the growth that she's resisting--that's on her, not you. The kindest thing you can do is step away and let her flail or fail on her own. She'll either learn from her mistakes or not, but you can't prevent her from making more of them until your life with her becomes intolerable.

    Think.

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