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Thread: Ghosting Before Meeting

  1. #1
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    Ghosting Before Meeting

    Iíve had a variety of scenarios occur recently where Iíve never met the person and messaging/ A phone call over the course of a few hours to a day theyíve inadvertently said something that made me no longer want to talk to/meet them. Conversation dwindles and I just eventually stop

    Regardless, no date has been set in stone with a time, place, etc. where Iím standing them up. Iíd say about ten of the people have reached out after the fact (one went so far as to match with me on another app for the sole purpose to tell me off) saying I ghosted them and anything from being annoyed and argumentative about it to just being like ďwell you ghosted. Nice talking, good luckĒ.

    I always felt like ghosting was being on multiple dates and then poof, nothing and that this early on if it wasnít a GLARING incompatibility that you asked about it was best not to even say anything.

    Ten people in the grand scheme on OLD is a blip, but maybe because theyíve happened one after another Iím wondering am I doing something wrong? Is there a more tactful way Iím supposed to be handling ďI no longer wish to converse with youĒ other than silence?

  2. #2
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    Ok all you can do is limit the chitchat prior to meeting and do not make a bunch of lateral moves such as going from the dating app messaging to social to other apps etc. They should not know that much about you before you meet in person and can determine who/what you are dealing with.

    When you set limits, it helps rule out the time wasters and weirdos, such as argumentative guy. If you don't want to meet in a timely fashion after a couple of messages, simply stop talking. The messaging should revolve around a bit of small talk then arranging to meet.

    If someone won't meet, cut them off. You need a good strategy to prevent burnout. If after the meeting (keep it brief) you are not interested simply state that it was 'nice meeting we're not a match, blah blah' then cease communication and move forward.
    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Iíve had a variety of scenarios occur recently where Iíve never met the person and messaging/ A phone call over the course of a few hours to a day theyíve inadvertently said something that made me no longer want to talk to/meet them. Conversation dwindles and I just eventually stop

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ok all you can do is limit the chitchat prior to meeting and do not make a bunch of lateral moves such as going from the dating app messaging to social to other apps etc. They should not know that much about you before you meet in person and can determine who/what you are dealing with.

    When you set limits, it helps rule out the time wasters and weirdos, such as argumentative guy. If you don't want to meet in a timely fashion after a couple of messages, simply stop talking. The messaging should revolve around a bit of small talk then arranging to meet.

    If someone won't meet, cut them off. You need a good strategy to prevent burnout. If after the meeting (keep it brief) you are not interested simply state that it was 'nice meeting we're not a match, blah blah' then cease communication and move forward.
    Thank you! I always keep it on the app and occasionally will do the phone call screener if they want to talk. Iím not big on the phone, but it honestly has made or broken my desire to see someone the few times Iíve done it.

    It just seems that if weíre talking for a couple of hours and I stop responding on the app because Iím not longer interested, theyíve continued to message saying Iíve ďghostedĒ.

    At that point Iím not about to argue semantics with them and I kindly donít respond anyway, but itís just strange when literally the last ten matches have said this and Iím asking myself ďIsnt this how itís done??Ē

  4. #4
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    I typically limited pre-meeting contact to one or two emails and one or two phone calls. If during the emails I was uncomfortable I simply stopped responding typically and if we spoke and didn't set up a meeting and he didn't ask I stopped. If he did and I didn't want to meet I'd say something like I'd get back to him/check schedule. Depending on my reasons, the person, etc I might email "on reflection I don't think we have enough in common for it to make sense to meet". If we set up a meeting and during the confirming call something came up that made me uncomfortable I'd email about not being able to make it. A few times I did this because they edited their profile to add something that made me uncomfortable. But I tried to shy away from specifics.

    No I wasn't ghosting or doing anything wrong IMO.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    Thank you! I always keep it on the app and occasionally will do the phone call screener if they want to talk. Iím not big on the phone, but it honestly has made or broken my desire to see someone the few times Iíve done it.

    It just seems that if weíre talking for a couple of hours and I stop responding on the app because Iím not longer interested, theyíve continued to message saying Iíve ďghostedĒ.

    At that point Iím not about to argue semantics with them and I kindly donít respond anyway, but itís just strange when literally the last ten matches have said this and Iím asking myself ďIsnt this how itís done??Ē
    To me a couple of hours of typing is way too much. I learned a great deal by short phone calls -for screening out, not in. Tone of voice, how we did conversationally, phone etiquette, etc.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    To me a couple of hours of typing is way too much. I learned a great deal by short phone calls -for screening out, not in. Tone of voice, how we did conversationally, phone etiquette, etc.
    True. Perhaps I should mention itís not consistent chatter back and forth. Just throughout the day on the app. Obviously Iím not checking it while working, but Iíll probably send a message before work, on my lunch and then when I get home. Itís mostly I answer and then ask a basic question and wait for them to see it and respond, etc.

    One guy wanted to call and upon reflection I was put off by the way he sounded and the tone/language he used. We had agreed on a day to meet up later in the week before the call, but there was no follow up after. I just let it go. No harm no foul. He texts me three days after the day we were supposed to meet passes and says ďyou ghosted and we missed our dateĒ. I didnít answer, but like...no time, no place, no date man. I had assumed he (thankfully) wasnít into it either after the call.

    I donít think you were ghosting in any of your scenarios either. I never even considered this ghosting. I feel a little poorly about it since a handful of people are more or less ďcalling me outĒ on it. If it was just one or two Iíd further assume itís because our dating styles definitely didnít match up. Itís never been brought up to me before and itís a little off putting I suppose.

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    Everyone has their own definition of ghosting, but I think the large majority tend to agree that ghosting is after you've been two dates or more and they simply drop off the planet.

    Personally, I consider ghosting after the first date, but especially if there have been more.

    I don't really think we can consider stopping texting as ghosting. You never met.

    I will agree with previous posters to meet in person sooner over later. You'll have to determine your own comfort zone, but I would say no more than two weeks, tops, allowing for previously established plans, children, and the holidays. If they can't find the time in 14 days to meet, you're probably setting yourself up with a pen-pal or someone who's keeping you on the back burner until they determine if other prospects will work out or not.

    No meet, no text.

    Particularly now, with the holidays approaching, it may be more difficult to organize a time, but I think that if you hit it off via text and sparks seem to be flying, don't lose that momentum by pushing back a date (meet) until sometime in December or January. People who are into each other don't want to wait.

    I also consider the first meet a date. Most will disagree with me, but a date's a date, even if it's just coffee.

    Most people just stop texting. To write them and tell them they don't think things are going to work out can result in a slew of nasty texts or emails, possibly phone calls, and it's easier just to fade out. I don't know that you really need to feel obligated to say anything if you've just been lobbing texts, especially if this person gives you push-back on meeting in person, in a public place, casual, or they are terribly slow to respond or produce any type of conversation, agree to a call, etc.

    I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    Everyone has their own definition of ghosting, but I think the large majority tend to agree that ghosting is after you've been two dates or more and they simply drop off the planet.

    Personally, I consider ghosting after the first date, but especially if there have been more.

    I don't really think we can consider stopping texting as ghosting. You never met.

    I will agree with previous posters to meet in person sooner over later. You'll have to determine your own comfort zone, but I would say no more than two weeks, tops, allowing for previously established plans, children, and the holidays. If they can't find the time in 14 days to meet, you're probably setting yourself up with a pen-pal or someone who's keeping you on the back burner until they determine if other prospects will work out or not.

    No meet, no text.

    Particularly now, with the holidays approaching, it may be more difficult to organize a time, but I think that if you hit it off via text and sparks seem to be flying, don't lose that momentum by pushing back a date (meet) until sometime in December or January. People who are into each other don't want to wait.

    I also consider the first meet a date. Most will disagree with me, but a date's a date, even if it's just coffee.

    Most people just stop texting. To write them and tell them they don't think things are going to work out can result in a slew of nasty texts or emails, possibly phone calls, and it's easier just to fade out. I don't know that you really need to feel obligated to say anything if you've just been lobbing texts, especially if this person gives you push-back on meeting in person, in a public place, casual, or they are terribly slow to respond or produce any type of conversation, agree to a call, etc.

    I don't think you're doing anything wrong.
    I totally agree with you! Granted I do call first encounters ďmeetsĒ haha.

    I just wanted to make sure I wasnít, I donít know, really being rude. Iíve matched with men at 9 pm, exchange MAYBE 10 messages including ďhey, whats up, how are you?Ē, fall asleep and decide not to continue the next day for a myriad of reasons due to their responses or lack there of, etc. and later that day or a few days later after I stopped responding they hit me with the ďghostingĒ stuff.

    100% on the not telling people a reason this early on because it opens the door for all kinds of stuff. Plus the stuff thatís a no go for me could be a positive for someone else so there really is no point. Obviously if I ask a question an theyre answer is something Im not looking for itís a perfect segue to see myself out, but when they tell me about themselves generally I feel like itís kind of rude to be like ďoh you mentioned this. Iím not into it, letís stop conversing.

    I think the guy that matched with me on a separate app only to keep up the charade for five or so messages and then launch into ďwe matched before and you ghosted me. Iím just here to tell you that was (expletive) and im not into thatĒ is whatís prompting me to be like ďokay a bunch of people are saying this, is it me??Ē

    Glad to know Iím on the right track though and I should just keep on keeping on

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    True. Perhaps I should mention itís not consistent chatter back and forth. Just throughout the day on the app. Obviously Iím not checking it while working, but Iíll probably send a message before work, on my lunch and then when I get home. Itís mostly I answer and then ask a basic question and wait for them to see it and respond, etc.

    One guy wanted to call and upon reflection I was put off by the way he sounded and the tone/language he used. We had agreed on a day to meet up later in the week before the call, but there was no follow up after. I just let it go. No harm no foul. He texts me three days after the day we were supposed to meet passes and says ďyou ghosted and we missed our dateĒ. I didnít answer, but like...no time, no place, no date man. I had assumed he (thankfully) wasnít into it either after the call.

    I donít think you were ghosting in any of your scenarios either. I never even considered this ghosting. I feel a little poorly about it since a handful of people are more or less ďcalling me outĒ on it. If it was just one or two Iíd further assume itís because our dating styles definitely didnít match up. Itís never been brought up to me before and itís a little off putting I suppose.
    I wouldn't do the on and off messaging -it's a stranger you might meet in person to see if there should be a date in the future, not a new chat buddy who you might meet in the future for platonic reasons (I have many many of those, and that's how we get to know each other). On and off messaging gives them too much importance, let's them get to know your daily routine/pattern way before they should have that information and you also don't get the right information - this stranger has the time to consider how to respond, word choice etc - which is not what's going to happen during a first meet - when you have to see if you have in person rapport. At least on a phone conversation it's in real time, back and forth approximating an in person meeting (of course with the all important element of in person chemistry missing -there or not, meaning).

    I think ghosting is after you've gone on a couple of dates and there is a plan -time and place -for another date but the person either doesn't show up or respond to a call to reconfirm time/place. Or once you're serious - or met more than 4 times or so - and then they go MIA. After 4-5 dates I would hope a person would tell another person if they're not interested in making another plan especially since the dating has probably been going on for at least a month or so. I've had two close friends basically ghost me and it hurt a great deal.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I wouldn't do the on and off messaging -it's a stranger you might meet in person to see if there should be a date in the future, not a new chat buddy who you might meet in the future for platonic reasons (I have many many of those, and that's how we get to know each other). On and off messaging gives them too much importance, let's them get to know your daily routine/pattern way before they should have that information and you also don't get the right information - this stranger has the time to consider how to respond, word choice etc - which is not what's going to happen during a first meet - when you have to see if you have in person rapport. At least on a phone conversation it's in real time, back and forth approximating an in person meeting (of course with the all important element of in person chemistry missing -there or not, meaning).

    I think ghosting is after you've gone on a couple of dates and there is a plan -time and place -for another date but the person either doesn't show up or respond to a call to reconfirm time/place. Or once you're serious - or met more than 4 times or so - and then they go MIA. After 4-5 dates I would hope a person would tell another person if they're not interested in making another plan especially since the dating has probably been going on for at least a month or so. I've had two close friends basically ghost me and it hurt a great deal.
    I will definitely look into expediting the process. I usually open up with a ďhows your xyz going?Ē And then touch on the important topics that would make or break me willing even to meet them as quickly as possible.

    Iíve been on the apps for so long I know that Wednesday and Thursdays are peak days where I am where everyone is trying to find someone to see that weekend. If there isnít a date set up by the end of being matched for 24 hours theyíre relegated to chat buddy and Iím not interested in officially meeting anymore.

    But usually itís before that. My go to after the generic intro messages is basically ďtell me about yourselfĒ because profiles these days are either blank or they just list their height ::facepalm:: and itís somewhere in whatever they answer that question with or shortly after that Iím like ďmeh, not a matchĒ.

    Maybe that means I shouldnít be dating if Iím not open to meeting all kinds of people. Iím also much less easily swayed if I havenít met them than once I have. Thatís a me thing that I have to work on though lol.

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