Hey everyone. I really just wanna rant and see if there's anyone out there who has had similar experiences or has some advice to share.
About a month ago now I broke up with my boyfriend. We were together about a year and three months. After 9 months we decided to move in together. I did feel that was too soon, and I regret that decision. Our relationship until that point was long distance but he would visit me for a couple weeks each month since we had started dating and because we weren't too far from each other. The visits went great for the most part. There were times here and there where I felt like two weeks was a really long visit and I wanted a bit more space. To be fair, two weeks of togetherness 24/7 is a long time.. I'm a very solitary person. I like a lot of space and alone time. I do suffer from panic disorder as well and sometimes panic attacks will come out of nowhere and during them, I need to be alone until they pass. I was always upfront about these things as well and he assured me that was totally fine. Sometimes I need to isolate myself, do my own thing for a while. He agreed to give me that time alone I needed and kept saying it's not a problem, he understands. But then.. He would be down and when I'd asked him what was wrong he would always think he did something to upset me and that's why I needed to be alone. No matter how many times I reassured him it was nothing to do with anything he did or said, it never seemed to sink in. I've explained to him endlessly about my anxiety and what I do to cope with it, and like anyone else.. I sometimes need alone time.
He's someone who doesn't need any alone time. He would be completely happy to be conjoined at the hip. We slept together, made food and ate together, took showers together, we even washed dishes together. He never wanted to do anything without me (even snack if he was hungry) and if I had a day where I wanted to shower by myself, he would try very hard to convince me otherwise. He would jokingly mope about it at first but over time, the more independence for these things I wanted, the more insecure he got. From the beginning, before we even got together I told him I'm someone who will be a bit more solitary and I like more space in relationships than most people might. Obviously it wasn't really fine with him though and over time his reactions to me asking for some space got more intense to where he would lash out at me.
Before we moved in together he didn't have a job, which is why he could visit me for weeks at a time. My mental illness keeps me from getting a job myself at the moment and because we were both unemployed, I wonder if maybe that contributed to our break up. Maybe if we had more time apart, like an average couple probably would, it would've been better? He did get a job after he moved in but it was part time and very late hours. He wasn't open to the idea of getting up early or working a five day a week job. Not because of anything other than he just doesn't like work.. Who does though? (I live with my mom by the way and once he started working he did pay her some rent every month.) So anyway, we'd be together all day and I'd maybe get 4 or 5 hours of time by myself to decompress and work on some art before I got sleepy and went to bed. But again, he only worked 3 days a week at the most and those were never consistent.
And when I say went to bed, I tried to go to bed. The moment he came home even if I was sleeping he would wake me up, most of the time annoyed about his job, and sometimes he would get in bed with me and cuddle.. But it was never just cuddling. I would be totally happy to fall asleep cuddling but cuddling with him always led to something sexual. I'm not a very sexual person and I also told him that early on. It would be very obvious when I wasn't in the mood, but he never took any hints or just ignored them completely. I swear to god he would grind up on me in bed for up to an hour before laying off or passing out. Admittedly I have a hard time being firm and saying stop it but I would tell him I'm tired and I just want to sleep and he still wouldn't listen. A lot of nights turned out to be that way. It would be the same during the days too. He would always be slapping or grabbing my butt, messing about with my boobs, trying to make out when I wasn't in the mood to. I can be a very affectionate person but I never got the chance to even initiate anything myself because I was worn out. All this led to a serious talk one day about me needing my boundaries to be respected because otherwise I feel like I can't trust him with my body, let alone my emotional well being. I told him when I say stop it, even if my tone is playful, I meant stop it. He felt really bad and he agreed to give me space and to stop doing those things. But after a few weeks it slowly got back to where we were before, like everything we talked about wore off. He was back to his old habits. Which led to a second talk. That result lasted about the same as the first time but again, he disrespected my boundaries.
He was very insecure. There were a lot of times where he would spiral into self loathing and sadness when I told him I wanted some time by myself or I wasn't in the mood for sex. A lot of times, it felt more like a show than it did a genuine feeling he was dealing with. He would ask me 50 times a day what I wanted to do that day. From the moment I woke up I was attacked with questions about breakfast, games, movies, going out. What do you want for breakfast? Want me to make something? What do you wanna do after we eat? Do you wanna watch a show? Movie? Want to play a game together? Wanna go out for dinner later? When do you want lunch? Want to make something together? What do you wanna do right now? Wanna shower together? It drove me insane. Whenever I didn't want to do something together he moped, put on a display. After a while he got into arguments with me about how I never want to do anything with him and how we don't interact enough.. Every single day we talked, we kissed and hugged, we sat next to each other while doing stuff separately (talking while doing this as well), a lot of days we played some games together, we'd watch a movie once in a while as well. He said we weren't really interacting though while I was on my computer and he was on his play station. Even though we did.. I'm still confused. He would confront me a lot about going out to dinner specifically. I can go out and do a lot of things, but restaurants in particular I have a hard time with. They make me more anxious than most places and I can never eat while I'm there. Food just won't go down.. He'd always say "is it sooooo much to ask to go to dinner? Seriously? Come on..." Again, I have a big list of other things I'm comfortable doing out. Restaurants just isn't one of them and he refused to let it go and kept pushing me. Pushing never worked and he'd do one of those exaggerated sighs and slam the door or he would say something like I'll just leave you alone and leave the room before I could reply. Calling back to him never worked. He would just ignore me.
After all that I didn't have the energy to fight anymore. I just bottled everything up, let everything pass. It was easier to give in some things than it was to stand my ground. I know that's my mistake, and I regret that too. But it happened. After a while I couldn't tolerate it and I broke up with him. It was really hard and I still love him a lot. Aside from everything I've mentioned above, he was a nice guy and he did a lot for me and us. We had a lot of happy times but at our cores, I don't think we were compatible. I've never been in a position where I wanted to break up with someone I still loved so much. He was my third serious boyfriend and the only one I've lived with. It was a first for him too. We're both around 24, if I didn't mention it before. When we first broke up I thought it might just be a break or a temporary thing. I still don't know how I feel about getting back together potentially down the road. I'm leaning towards no. The first few days was horrible but after the breakup I felt relieved and happier. The first few weeks we didn't have contact and I think that helped a lot. We've slowly started talking to each other more and I've gone downhill a bit. We agreed to still be friends and I do want to try to be friends because we have a lot in common and I care about him a lot. I think I needed more time apart though, no contact. I've gone from relaxed and happy to apathetic and I'm exhausted.
I probably forgot some stuff but that's basically it. I'm pretty down at the moment. Felt like a rant.
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