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Thread: Recent Breakup

  1. #1
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    Recent Breakup

    Hey everyone. I really just wanna rant and see if there's anyone out there who has had similar experiences or has some advice to share.

    About a month ago now I broke up with my boyfriend. We were together about a year and three months. After 9 months we decided to move in together. I did feel that was too soon, and I regret that decision. Our relationship until that point was long distance but he would visit me for a couple weeks each month since we had started dating and because we weren't too far from each other. The visits went great for the most part. There were times here and there where I felt like two weeks was a really long visit and I wanted a bit more space. To be fair, two weeks of togetherness 24/7 is a long time.. I'm a very solitary person. I like a lot of space and alone time. I do suffer from panic disorder as well and sometimes panic attacks will come out of nowhere and during them, I need to be alone until they pass. I was always upfront about these things as well and he assured me that was totally fine. Sometimes I need to isolate myself, do my own thing for a while. He agreed to give me that time alone I needed and kept saying it's not a problem, he understands. But then.. He would be down and when I'd asked him what was wrong he would always think he did something to upset me and that's why I needed to be alone. No matter how many times I reassured him it was nothing to do with anything he did or said, it never seemed to sink in. I've explained to him endlessly about my anxiety and what I do to cope with it, and like anyone else.. I sometimes need alone time.

    He's someone who doesn't need any alone time. He would be completely happy to be conjoined at the hip. We slept together, made food and ate together, took showers together, we even washed dishes together. He never wanted to do anything without me (even snack if he was hungry) and if I had a day where I wanted to shower by myself, he would try very hard to convince me otherwise. He would jokingly mope about it at first but over time, the more independence for these things I wanted, the more insecure he got. From the beginning, before we even got together I told him I'm someone who will be a bit more solitary and I like more space in relationships than most people might. Obviously it wasn't really fine with him though and over time his reactions to me asking for some space got more intense to where he would lash out at me.

    Before we moved in together he didn't have a job, which is why he could visit me for weeks at a time. My mental illness keeps me from getting a job myself at the moment and because we were both unemployed, I wonder if maybe that contributed to our break up. Maybe if we had more time apart, like an average couple probably would, it would've been better? He did get a job after he moved in but it was part time and very late hours. He wasn't open to the idea of getting up early or working a five day a week job. Not because of anything other than he just doesn't like work.. Who does though? (I live with my mom by the way and once he started working he did pay her some rent every month.) So anyway, we'd be together all day and I'd maybe get 4 or 5 hours of time by myself to decompress and work on some art before I got sleepy and went to bed. But again, he only worked 3 days a week at the most and those were never consistent.

    And when I say went to bed, I tried to go to bed. The moment he came home even if I was sleeping he would wake me up, most of the time annoyed about his job, and sometimes he would get in bed with me and cuddle.. But it was never just cuddling. I would be totally happy to fall asleep cuddling but cuddling with him always led to something sexual. I'm not a very sexual person and I also told him that early on. It would be very obvious when I wasn't in the mood, but he never took any hints or just ignored them completely. I swear to god he would grind up on me in bed for up to an hour before laying off or passing out. Admittedly I have a hard time being firm and saying stop it but I would tell him I'm tired and I just want to sleep and he still wouldn't listen. A lot of nights turned out to be that way. It would be the same during the days too. He would always be slapping or grabbing my butt, messing about with my boobs, trying to make out when I wasn't in the mood to. I can be a very affectionate person but I never got the chance to even initiate anything myself because I was worn out. All this led to a serious talk one day about me needing my boundaries to be respected because otherwise I feel like I can't trust him with my body, let alone my emotional well being. I told him when I say stop it, even if my tone is playful, I meant stop it. He felt really bad and he agreed to give me space and to stop doing those things. But after a few weeks it slowly got back to where we were before, like everything we talked about wore off. He was back to his old habits. Which led to a second talk. That result lasted about the same as the first time but again, he disrespected my boundaries.

    He was very insecure. There were a lot of times where he would spiral into self loathing and sadness when I told him I wanted some time by myself or I wasn't in the mood for sex. A lot of times, it felt more like a show than it did a genuine feeling he was dealing with. He would ask me 50 times a day what I wanted to do that day. From the moment I woke up I was attacked with questions about breakfast, games, movies, going out. What do you want for breakfast? Want me to make something? What do you wanna do after we eat? Do you wanna watch a show? Movie? Want to play a game together? Wanna go out for dinner later? When do you want lunch? Want to make something together? What do you wanna do right now? Wanna shower together? It drove me insane. Whenever I didn't want to do something together he moped, put on a display. After a while he got into arguments with me about how I never want to do anything with him and how we don't interact enough.. Every single day we talked, we kissed and hugged, we sat next to each other while doing stuff separately (talking while doing this as well), a lot of days we played some games together, we'd watch a movie once in a while as well. He said we weren't really interacting though while I was on my computer and he was on his play station. Even though we did.. I'm still confused. He would confront me a lot about going out to dinner specifically. I can go out and do a lot of things, but restaurants in particular I have a hard time with. They make me more anxious than most places and I can never eat while I'm there. Food just won't go down.. He'd always say "is it sooooo much to ask to go to dinner? Seriously? Come on..." Again, I have a big list of other things I'm comfortable doing out. Restaurants just isn't one of them and he refused to let it go and kept pushing me. Pushing never worked and he'd do one of those exaggerated sighs and slam the door or he would say something like I'll just leave you alone and leave the room before I could reply. Calling back to him never worked. He would just ignore me.

    After all that I didn't have the energy to fight anymore. I just bottled everything up, let everything pass. It was easier to give in some things than it was to stand my ground. I know that's my mistake, and I regret that too. But it happened. After a while I couldn't tolerate it and I broke up with him. It was really hard and I still love him a lot. Aside from everything I've mentioned above, he was a nice guy and he did a lot for me and us. We had a lot of happy times but at our cores, I don't think we were compatible. I've never been in a position where I wanted to break up with someone I still loved so much. He was my third serious boyfriend and the only one I've lived with. It was a first for him too. We're both around 24, if I didn't mention it before. When we first broke up I thought it might just be a break or a temporary thing. I still don't know how I feel about getting back together potentially down the road. I'm leaning towards no. The first few days was horrible but after the breakup I felt relieved and happier. The first few weeks we didn't have contact and I think that helped a lot. We've slowly started talking to each other more and I've gone downhill a bit. We agreed to still be friends and I do want to try to be friends because we have a lot in common and I care about him a lot. I think I needed more time apart though, no contact. I've gone from relaxed and happy to apathetic and I'm exhausted.

    I probably forgot some stuff but that's basically it. I'm pretty down at the moment. Felt like a rant.

  2. #2
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    You will get many more responses if you condense your post. Most folks will not read through something that long.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He's very irresponsible for not finding more stable work. I hope you know that. Your mental illness and not working yourself has made you too understanding towards him as a person and you both started a relationship that inherently could not sustain itself.

    Some of your anxieties seem a bit extreme (re: going to restaurants). Are you seeing anyone about this? If you are, what is your therapist advising?

    Don't bottle things up. It's fine to bide your time and forgive some things here and there or take your time thinking things through but it never pays to bottle things up. You should also know that his behaviour in bed and unwanted advances or taking advantage of you physically is not appropriate. Good for you for speaking up about it not once but twice before breaking up with him.

    You cannot fix anyone who has issues with him/herself. You should know this more than anyone else. He has to deal with his own insecurities and issues and lack of motivation or ambition. You did something invaluable, symbolic and necessary for yourself: you broke up with him. Stand your ground and keep it that way. Heal from the break up and move forwards, not backwards. This person was 10 steps backwards and he has a lot of work to do on himself. Let him go.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How did this affect your mother? You tried a LDR and unfortunately it didn't work out. This situation sounds quite disruptive to you and most of all your mother. It would be best to focus on your health and some type of employment. It sounds like he was overbearing and crowding you.When ready date locally and get to know someone better.
    Originally Posted by BabyVamp
    We were together about a year and three months. After 9 months we decided to move in together.

    We slept together, made food and ate together, took showers together, we even washed dishes together.
    Before we moved in together he didn't have a job, which is why he could visit me for weeks at a time. My mental illness keeps me from getting a job myself at the moment and because we were both unemployed, I wonder if maybe that contributed to our break up. He wasn't open to the idea of getting up early or working a five day a week job.

    I live with my mom by the way and once he started working he did pay her some rent every month.

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  6. #5
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    This guy is completely suffocating. He is not ready for a mature relationship in which boundaries are respected and in which he doesn't seek constant validation by gluing himself to his partner. When you can even shower alone, you're not dealing with someone who has the emotional maturity most adults too. He is more like a child with extreme separation anxiety.

    I would stay broken up, and not attempt a friendship. You have seen over and over that he doesn't really care about your feelings and your boundaries; it's all about him and what he wants. You can't have a friendship like that. He will almost surely start pushing you to be more than friends again. It's just not a realistic prospect.

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    A rant is good at times. Very cathartic. I feel for you, but don't get embroiled in a relationship or friendship with him. He needs up grow up and isn't ready for a relationship. He needs to "fix" himself first. As MissCanuck said, "I would stay broken up, and not attempt a friendship. You have seen over and over that he doesn't really care about your feelings and your boundaries; it's all about him and what he wants. You can't have a friendship like that. He will almost surely start pushing you to be more than friends again. It's just not a realistic prospect."

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    Originally Posted by Camber 2019
    You will get many more responses if you condense your post. Most folks will not read through something that long.
    Oh believe me, I know! Lol. There was a lot I needed to get out. And trust me it was longer before I went back and took stuff out. I really appreciate everyone who took the time to read it and give a response.

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Some of your anxieties seem a bit extreme (re: going to restaurants). Are you seeing anyone about this? If you are, what is your therapist advising?
    Yes, I am seeing a psychiatrist. They suggest exposure therapy which I'm working on slowly at my own pace. I've had some very bad panic attacks while being at restaurants in the past, and it's just something I've never been fond of to begin with so that's probably where my anxiety with that comes from.

    About him being irresponsible for not finding stable work, yeah.. I live somewhere where there is a ton of places to apply at but he was very selective. Wouldn't even look at a grocery store or anything like that because they didn't offer the hours he wanted. But then he complained when he found something that did have the late hours he wanted so I dunno. lol

    I know I can't fix him and I never tried to. I just wanted him to respect my boundaries but unfortunately that's not something he could do. I don't plan on getting back together with him. Thanks for the nice reply Rose!

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. How did this affect your mother? This situation sounds quite disruptive to you and most of all your mother. It would be best to focus on your health and some type of employment. It sounds like he was overbearing and crowding you.When ready date locally and get to know someone better.
    I did worry about my mom. Me and my mother are very close though. We're very open with each other too. She was really supportive of our relationship, as long as I was happy. I definitely plan to focus on myself and my health now though. It was neglected while I was in the relationship. I do want to try to get a part time job somewhere close once I'm feeling better. Honestly, I'm not sure I'm cut out for relationships. I don't mind the idea of being on my own. Thanks for the reply!

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    Originally Posted by MissCanuck
    This guy is completely suffocating. He is not ready for a mature relationship in which boundaries are respected and in which he doesn't seek constant validation by gluing himself to his partner. When you can even shower alone, you're not dealing with someone who has the emotional maturity most adults too. He is more like a child with extreme separation anxiety.

    I would stay broken up, and not attempt a friendship. You have seen over and over that he doesn't really care about your feelings and your boundaries; it's all about him and what he wants. You can't have a friendship like that. He will almost surely start pushing you to be more than friends again. It's just not a realistic prospect.
    Without a doubt! My past relationships have been with people who are more needy as well but this was 10 times worse. I go back and forth on the friendship idea.. Right now I'm just trying to focus on myself and distance from him a bit more. I will keep that in mind though. I sometimes forget his actions really showed he didn't care about my feelings, even those his words said he did.

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