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Thread: Acceptance after breakup

  1. #1

    Acceptance after breakup

    Thank you for reading this:

    I usually write for myself, but in this case that would not be enough. My relationship was short and ended due to the mental turmoil of a previous romantic interest.
    What my boyfriend and I had together was respectful, kind, and with mostly beautiful memories. We both are planning to take a similar job opportunity; although, I am almost inside the company because I started the process earlier.
    The only discrepancy we had was due to a common acquantaince that told him about a sexual encounter I had 2 months before meeting him. I did my best to respect his uneasiness about the fact: I had a casual sexual relationship with someone he knew, and he expected me to disclose this before starting our relationship. I apologized for not knowing he wanted details of my sexual and romantic life before starting our relationship.
    This was the reason for him to have a flare of anxious thoughts, insomnia, and even asking me for the dialogues I had with this previous partner. This made me feel uncomfortable, in a situation I never imagined to be in, explaining the script of a sexual encounter. Still I had hope in the perennial nature of this uneasiness until today. My now ex-boyfriend broke up with me by the phone, saying that it was unfair for me to be on the spot for something that happened in the past.

    This is the reason for writing to this forum, to be reassured, or to understand that this might be prevented in the future by maybe asking how much do I need to disclose my past to a love interest.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You are under no obligation to disclose any of your sexual past to a love interest unless you know that it is something that could somehow hurt them e.g. STD. Your ex did not break up with you because it was unfair to you, he broke up with you because he could not handle that it was that specific someone. It sounds like it was an unfortunate coincidence that it was a person he has trouble with and it sounds like he would have broken up with you over it no matter how/when you told him.

    Other than that, it might be best to avoid messing with people who may end up being your co-workers. It's always best to keep your professional and love life separate. In addition, it might be worth having in mind that if a person has very conservative values regarding sexual encounters then they might end up being incompatible with you without this being somehow your fault.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    One vote for reassured here.

    You went above and beyond the call of duty in an attempt to put his mind at ease...Iím sorry he couldnít get past it.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by Helen Garcia
    I apologized for not knowing he wanted details of my sexual and romantic life before starting our relationship.

    This was the reason for him to have a flare of anxious thoughts, insomnia, and even asking me for the dialogues I had with this previous partner. This made me feel uncomfortable, in a situation I never imagined to be in, explaining the script of a sexual encounter.
    I just canít believe you apologised!!? For what?? Not being a virgin??

    He asked you for dialogues and a description of this sexual encounter???

    Itís none of his business!!
    If asked about previous partners in early dating , you simply tell them if you have had an sti check , if you havenít , then discuss both of you getting one . Previous partners are no one elseís business as long as you are sti free.

    Who was the acquaintance that knew and related to him? Bin him/her!

    And you have probably no clue as to what sexual partners this guy had before you and how recently.
    Just because you havenít heard doesnít mean it didnít happen.

    I would not have apologised for my past before dating him and I would have questioned his. Respectfully.

    Do you know if he was sti free? Did you practice safe sex? If not please get yourself checked out.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Helen Garcia
    This was the reason for him to have a flare of anxious thoughts, insomnia, and even asking me for the dialogues I had with this previous partner. This made me feel uncomfortable, in a situation I never imagined to be in, explaining the script of a sexual encounter. Still I had hope in the perennial nature of this uneasiness until today. My now ex-boyfriend broke up with me by the phone, saying that it was unfair for me to be on the spot for something that happened in the past.
    This was far too invasive, and you should not have felt compelled to share that.

    I can understand him being uneasy with you and this friend having had an intimate experience, and perhaps wanting to know a general timeline of when it happened and if there is still any contact between you today, for example. However, to ask for that level of detail about said experience? No. Just no. You have a right to privacy here.

    He did the right thing ending it, in the sense that he knows he can't handle this. You should not be subjected to that line of questioning or the resulting anxiety he is feeling. It's not a match.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How long did you date? It sounds like you dodged a bullet. This guy actually blamed you for his "mental turmoil" because you slept with someone else prior? He sounds like a bit of a weirdo. Be glad he is gone. In the future remember that your sexual past is your business.

    Besides the basics such as children, divorce/marital status, etc your sexual past should not be discussed. Always be brief and factual, but not specific. He used it as a lame excuse to end things. None of this is your fault.
    Originally Posted by Helen Garcia
    The only discrepancy we had was due to a common acquantaince that told him about a sexual encounter I had 2 months before meeting him. I did my best to respect his uneasiness about the fact: I had a casual sexual relationship with someone he knew, and he expected me to disclose this before starting our relationship.This was the reason for him to have a flare of anxious thoughts, insomnia, and even asking me for the dialogues I had with this previous partner. This made me feel uncomfortable, in a situation I never imagined to be in, explaining the script of a sexual encounter.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You didn't do anything wrong. This guy you dated has issues, big ones and they are on him and his to own and fix. Fortunately for you, he did recognize that he is messed up and made the right decision to step away rather than continue to interrogate you and punish you for his psychological problems. A healthy person would not have that kind of a reaction or act that way.

    To answer your question, you didn't do anything wrong other than perhaps humor his questions too much. You really should have shut that down with the fact that it's none of his business. It was not his business or anyone's. The most he could have asked is for the timeline, to be sure you weren't sleeping with someone when you two were already dating. That's it. No details.

    Another point to note is that the way he judged you is not very nice or even sane at all. Certainly not respectful. You dodged a bullet because this guy is not at all the respectful, nice person you thought he was. Quite the opposite, there is nothing at all good about his behavior, not healthy.

    If you ever come across a guy who judges you like that and pitches that kind of a fit or demands that kind of information from you, please just walk away immediately. You are dealing with a person who is viciously insecure, judgmental, and critical and it won't be the only time, thing will go downhill fast with a person like that. They put up a good facade, but behind that facade there is a hot mess and you just got a good glimpse of that.

  9. #8
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    This guy has enough issues to open up his own news stand. (for those that remember what they are). He is selfish, self centered, egotistical and has no respect for himself and has esteem issues. And he brought this down on you with and he sprinkled on guilt just to finish his pity sandwich.
    These are the types of people you think about what you did wrong or think about what you could of done different. These are the types of people you should be thankful for not having in your life. If you would of dated him, he would only have been an anchor in your sea of happiness.
    Don't give this guy or situation another thought. Let him find someone else to drag down with him.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    or to understand that this might be prevented in the future by maybe asking how much do I need to disclose my past to a love interest.
    Just the opposite. If asked such a thing, I'd decline because my sexual history is private beyond a clean STD test and assurance that I am no longer in contact with any exes.

    Anyone who'd try to press past that doesn't own the mature discretion I'd require for a relationship, so he'd be history.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Helen Garcia
    My now ex-boyfriend broke up with me by the phone, saying that it was unfair for me to be on the spot for something that happened in the past.
    He was right about that.

    I have a suspicion (nothing more) that there might be some other aspect of the relationship he was dissatisfied with, and he was not telling you all his reasons.

    Anyway, you did nothing wrong, and are now free to find someone better.


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