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Thread: Devastated and lost..

  1. #1
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    Devastated and lost..

    Hey everyone. I feel so broken and lost, I am completely shocked. I never felt pain so intense in my entire life. I will try to keep this as short as possible, but there are so many details to my story, forgive me if this is too long. I need help. I am 33 year old male from US and my fiance is 28 female from Brazil. We have been together for almost 3 years.

    I met her online on a language learning website in January 2016. We entered into a long distance relationship in March 2016. After obtaining my tourist visa and passport, finally in January 2017 I traveled to Brazil to meet her for the first time.

    We fell for each other immediately and made love the first night. I stayed for 2 weeks and before I left Brazil we planned to start the process of her immigration to the United States. Traveling to Brazil was such a huge and scary life event for me, but being with her made me so happy. Happier than I have ever been in my life.

    I returned home and began work on her immigration process. I began to send her money each week with western union to help her. I sent her money constantly, throughout our relationship.. When I was in the US we had occasional fights, because of random guys on her social media, and she broke up with me more times than I can count, but always called me back the next day and we were fine.

    We still missed each other very much, so in June 2017, I returned to Brazil and stayed all the way until December. During this very long time living together, we grew very close, and she swore I was the only man she ever loved, and we even tryed to have a child together.

    In December 2017 I returned to the US and began paperwork for her K1 fiance visa. It was a very, very complicated process, and I spent countless hours buried in paperwork and stress. I was so worried we would be denied the visa.

    During the next few months we had many more fights caused by random guys commenting on her social media, leaving hearts on her photos, etc.. I was madly in love with her, and stupidly became jealous very easily. I know my jealousy was pushing her away, but I became so sick of the random men orbiting around her. She never made me feel safe with her.

    Again, while I was in the US, she broke up with me countless times, but always called me the next day and we fixed things as usual. I learned to control my jealousy and everything seemed better.

    After a entire year apart, I returned to Brazil for the 3rd time in January 2019 to attend the US visa interview with her in Rio de Janeiro. We received our second approval letter in Febuary, and she jumped into my arms with happiness. We were both very happy. However over the next we months we had a few major fights, mostly due to random guys she talked to, daily stress of living with her in her parents house, and the entire immigration process.

    I extended the validity of my tourist visa, and stayed in Brazil until August 2019. I returned to the US, and my first day back home she said she wanted to break up. She said she never forgot our fights in Brazil, never forgot my jealousy and the things I said, and planned to break up with me all along, as soon as I returned to the US.

    I was devastated, and begged her to come back. She said we can be friends, to which I responded I cant be your friend, because I love you. She called me 2 days later and said she really loves me, and lets try to live together in the United States and see if we can be happy again.

    After much more hard work, money, stress and endless paperwork, I scheduled her visa interview for September 17. I sent her $2,000 for her to attend the interview, and to enjoy Rio de Janeiro. She sent me many unprovoked I love yous, and we were talking to each other constantly about the wonderful future we had planned together since 2016.

    She flew from her city in the Northeast of Brazil, 2,000 miles to Rio de Janeiro with her mother, and attended the visa interview. We were approved for her K1 visa. I cried tears of joy. I never felt so happy in my entire life. 2 years of tedious paperwork, stress, and endless planning was finally over. She seemed to be very happy as well.

    She flew back home to the Northeast of Brazil, and we began planning when she would travel to the U.S.

    Throughout my relationship with her, she always said it will be so hard to leave her family, and live in a new country. She went to a psychiatrist to help her deal with the stress of leaving her family. I told her many times, the k1 visa gives you 3 months in the US before we need to marry, and if you do not like living here, you can go home, and I am open to the idea of living in Brazil with you, because I love you.

    1 week after being approved for the visa, she said she was going to travel to another state in Brazil to say goodbye to her godparents. I sent her money again for the trip. I could sense there was something very different, she became very cold and flat when she talked to me.

    I became angry and asked her why she was being so cold towards me. She responded she wanted a break from this relationship, dont contact her more, and she will call me when she decides if she will come to the U.S

    She texted me a few days later, and said we are finished, to forget her. It has been 22 days since this all started. I began sending her emails (the only way I can communicate with her) pleading with her to at least try to see if she likes the united states, that I am in so much pain and miss her, and that I love her so much.

    I asked her continuosly if she had met someone else. I could not think of any other reason for her to be doing this. She kept saying no, she does not have anyone, that she just does not love me.

    I kept emailing her like a idiot in my pain and grief, begging and pleading for her to give me another chance. She became very angry that I kept emailing her, and finally admitted she met someone the day after we broke up, that they had sex the entire week.

    I am still sick to my stomach after hearing that. She said many cruel things, that since she had sex with him, she managed to forget me, that she never loved me. I cant even put into words how much pain this caused me.

    I went no contact for 4 days, and she texted me last friday night out of nowhere and simply said, I miss you, and sorry. Her saying she misses me gave me hope, so I sent her more emails and photos of us together, begging and pleading for her not to leave me.

    She unblocked me on whatsapp and said she admits she did love me at one time, that I am the only man that ever loved her in her entire life, but her heart does not belong to me. She said she doesent have a boyfriend, that he is just a friend with benefits. And she is not ready for a serious relationship yet. I sent more emails, hoping she would remember the love we shared.

    She emailed me back, and said the k1 visa is valid until march 20, 2020, but dont wait for her, because she is done. I dont know why she would tell me the exact date her US visa is no longer valid. To give me hope? I feel she is stringing me along?

    Now I have not contacted her for 4 days. Every day I wake up I am in pain, I cant eat, I just feel constant pain in my chest and stomach. The only thing I look forward to is sleep, so I dont feel pain. Still sometimes I dream about her, hear songs we used to listen to together in my sleep and I wake up crying.

    I cry for 2 hours, feel numb for a few hours, then cry again.. I cant believe she can be so cold towards me, I gave her everything I had, I left the united states 3 times and spent 1 year and 2 months total in Brazil. I left my daughter in care with my parents so I could be with her. Leaving my beautiful little daughter was so painful, but I believed it was justified because my fiance loved me and I wanted to be with her.

    I am just completely lost, pain and anxiety is taking over my life. It hurts so much to know she is with someone else. I keep imagining her being intimate with another man, and it kills me. Sometimes it makes me angry, and I am trying to hate her so I dont feel pain, but I dont hate her. I still love her.

    My family says she will call me soon ( as she always did after breaking up) and she will say sorry and try to get back with me, but I cant see that happening, not after the horrible things she said to me. Its been 21 days of agony.

    My friends say be strong for yourself and your daughter, and she will be calling you before the fiance visa expires in march next year. They think she was lying about having another man, and said that she had someone else because of anger and because I kept contacting her and begging.

    She deactivated her facebook, almost as if she is ashamed to face my family and friends after doing this to me. But she is on instagram, and seems completely happy, posting photos of herself and she seems fine. This hurts me so much that she is so unaffected by the pain she caused me. She did say she is sorry for the pain she caused me, that I will eventually be able to forget her.

    I am holding onto hope that she calls me. I am so lost, my worst nightmare is realized and all I can do is cry.. I truly loved her and I dont know how to deal with this pain. She is such a beautiful woman, she is so beautiful that it makes me doubt I can find someone else that can compare to her. I am in complete agony, and I am afraid the pain will only worsen when I fully realize she is gone forever.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    The reality is, she doesn't want to leave. Your answer is: if you love her this much, you have to make the sacrifice and pack up your life and move there that's it....this visa thing is out the window.
    You mentioned a daughter...from another marriage? Don't you think she is more important than this woman?? You need to get a grip. Your family and friends are blowin smoke up your butt to calm you down...they are just enabling/misguiding you from the reality that this isn't working out. I know in the beginning, being infatuated, everything seems right...as time goes on tho, things start to unravel.
    The tough love/mom talk: Your are craycray. Your obsessiveness is clouding your judgement. You are jealous love sick fool. I understand your pain, and how you feel about her BUT you are losing all self respect. You need to see a therapist to get some perspective...

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she is scamming you.

  4. #4
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    I am very sorry you feel the way you do... but...

    There re SO MANY red flags here. She is using you, she sounds unstable, and (no sugar coating here) I think you are co-dependent and needy. Fix yourself man, get some self respect - you are making a fool of yourself.

    You met on-line, didn't meet in person for almost a year, then she basically jerked you around for the next 2 years. You sent her a lot of money and did whatever she asked (told) you to do. Can you not see that you have been used?

    I'm sorry, but you really need to move on. We are here to help you through it!

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Itís good that you are posting in the ďafter break upĒ portion because to me that says you have come to terms at least a little bit with the fact that itís over. That means you can begin pulling yourself together and truly healing. Some lamenting and pining is a normal part of the process (Iím doing my own fair share right now, my dude) but one day at a time you can just make the next healthy decision for yourself and keep moving forward. I agree with the other posters and Iím confident you will also get to a place where you agree too: this was not a loving, growth-oriented relationship. I left a toxic 14 year relationship a long time ago and I know that it still hurts to do it....but you have WAY better things coming down the pipeline, trust.

    Good luck and remember, one healthy choice at a time!

  7. #6
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    How much money did you send her altogether?

    She was in it for the money and the visa.

    I presume you'll think I'm harsh and cruel to suggest she never loved you, but this situation is textbook overseas scam story. Many people have experienced the same thing.

    I'm sure when you're ready you can meet someone who lives in your city or area who won't require such extreme sacrifices.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I am so sorry you're going through this.

    Truthfully? It sounds as though she was in it for the money and visa. She treated you very badly and still is.

    Somehow you've got to find the strength in yourself to let her go and to shift your focus onto your daughter. She's the one who deserves your love and time, not this two timing user.
    The way she behaves with other men, I have no doubt she's pulled this many times and that she had more on the line than just you.

    I know it's hard to hear that but you have to start seeing this for what it is.
    Consider seeing a therapist to help you through this time. But if you commit to going no contact with her and looking after yourself, things will get easier..you will heal.
    You've got a daughter who needs you. You need to focus on the bigger picture here.

  9. #8
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Others have said what mostly needed to be said.

    Chances are, you have been scammed. If not, then that girl is very unstable and unreliable, or just is not all that into you.

    Learn to be happy in yourself before you look for it from a girl... you won't find it and the only women who will tolerate such neediness and insecurity are broken themselves. You don't want that.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    y family says she will call me soon ( as she always did after breaking up)
    Yes, I suspect she will call you again... when she needs another $2000.00 to do something to extend the visa because she loves and misses you. Don't sent her the money... she is just using you. Instead please do yourself the kindness of spending your money on a good therapist that will help you through your grief and show you the way to forgiving yourself for putting up with her off and on game she played with you.

    When you realize that there are good women where you live that will be close enough to nurture a loving relationship with you, you will forget about her and you will have forgiven yourself for it all.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Google: Paul Frampton, a theoretical particle physicist who fell for this:

    [Register to see the link]

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