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Thread: Awkward office affair situation

  1. #11
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Herbalguan
    And I only learned that he was sleeping with his roommate's friend when we both agreed this would be exclusive. We stopped talking for a month, but eventually drunk hookup once. After the hookup we agreed to remain fwb, but he regretted it afterwards cause he's afraid things would turn ugly again. This time I deleted him on social media called him names, which I regretted a lot. Nothing else happened afterwards...Until I was transferred to a different department and now we are in the same floor.

    At first I tried to ignore him, but he texted me "Hi, new friend" and we started talking again cause I wanted to find out what he wanted from me. He was just chatting like he did when we first met, but sometimes he would make sexual jokes and made me feel like he wanted to hookup. After three days, when we were smoking on the balcony together, I finally asked him "Why would you want to talk to me again after I called you names?" He shrugged and said he wouldn't remember those trivial things, and that he just wanted to chat with me like we used to. I replied I appreciate this and was happy things weren't awkward between us.

    But weirdly, after this short talking, he basically stopped talking to me completely. He wouldn't text me and wouldn't ask me to smoke together anymore. And if I initiated a conversation, he would maybe reply one or two times but then leave me on read. I don't know what happened. If this is what he wants, then so be it. But it still hurts. I really have no idea what's happening at this moment. I still want to remain friends, and maybe deep down I still want more. Can anyone please tell me what I can do to make things less awkward between us? Any advice would be much appreciated.
    1) That first sentence that I highlighted is not very clear to me. Do you mean he cheated on you after you guys were exclusive? If so, why do you still want a relationship with a known cheater?

    2) The second sentence that I highlighted... If you wanted to have a relationship with this guy, why did you agree to be FWB with him? That means giving him everything he wants from you without getting any commitment back in return. Do you seriously think you can f a guy into loving you back?

    Also what do you mean "turn ugly again"? Did you get nasty in the original breakup? Do you have a tendency to be overly emotional and lash out when hurt? It takes quite a lot for a guy to turn down a FWB arrangement.

    I am not sure why you got so angry about him breaking off a FWB situation, going as far as deleting his social media and verbally abusing him... by definition being FWB means he has no obligation to you romantically. Surely you were not just upset about losing the sex, so what were you upset about? I know the answer. It was never a FWB for you, you were hoping it would go further and rekindle what you originally had.

    3) My guess on what happened after he got transferred to the same floor with you was that, at first, he was tempted to rekindle a FWB arrangement with you again... because, well, guys like to have sex. But then you reminded him of how you reacted the last time you had such an arrangement, so then he backed off wisely, knowing that sleeping with a co-worker who clearly wants more than just sex is just asking for office drama, and could potentially damage his career, or worse.

  2. #12
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    Being friends with him is unrealistic, and generally not a good idea. You will not reap any benefits from that.

    He's only interested in sex with you. His comments about your physical past were thus not misleading; it was very clear what he was after. It wasn't about dating you again, but maybe having sex again. You unfortunately interpreted that exchange incorrectly, looking for hope he was interested in something more.

    All you can do now is be professional, and have no further personal contact with him. He's a horny young guy trying to get laid. You would be best to stay out of his orbit completely.

  3. #13
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    I had a crush on a co-worker early last year, we got drunk and made out a few times, and although we never had sex (luckily!), things were very awkward afterwards. I don't think you can be friendly with this guy, be polite and professional, but not too friendly, don't smoke with him, don't chat with him unless you absolutely have to discuss work. Try to distract yourself after work, I start jogging to let off steam, and then he got fired (it had nothing to do with me), and honestly I was very relieved when he left. You can do this, good luck.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok tell him you'll report him for sexual harassment since you made it clear it's over and do not want his advances. But you need to make it crystal clear that you do not want him contacting you regarding sex/dating. Crystal Clear. Delete and block him from all social media and messaging apps. Get on dating apps and date men Outside Of Work.
    Originally Posted by Herbalguan
    I just wish he didn't give me the wrong signals like referencing our physical relationship when chatting with me.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Yes, it's painful seeing an ex or someone you have feelings for with someone else. It's best to acknowledge that and limit your contact if you find it's too distracting overall. It's not a good influence on you and you should be focusing on your career or your job. Don't let that get in the way of your professionalism at work.

    Your healing will be quicker the faster you acknowledge the situation for what it is and creating better boundaries when it comes to your work relationship. Keep it simple, clean and to the point when you're communicating at work. You don't have to be rude. Just remain cordial and professional and don't give him any reason to approach you other than for work related items. People will generally get the point. I suspect what he wants and needs most is attention and affection from the opposite sex. If he's not getting it from you, he won't bother you.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    When you went a bit crazy name calling because you found out he was sleeping with others , well you never had a talk after a few weeks of hanging out about exclusivity , so you were in the wrong there.
    Him suggesting fwb was simply him telling you that he is not looking for anything more than sex.
    Yes he regretted even the thought of sleeping with you because of how you reacted when you basically had only been casually seeing each other anyway and not in a relationship.
    We agreed to date exclusively before he slept with the other girl, and I found out about this after we broke off.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    1) That first sentence that I highlighted is not very clear to me. Do you mean he cheated on you after you guys were exclusive? If so, why do you still want a relationship with a known cheater?
    Yes, it happened after we agreed to date exclusively. I know it's silly but I somehow still have feelings for him and I don't know how to stop it.

    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    1) 2) The second sentence that I highlighted... If you wanted to have a relationship with this guy, why did you agree to be FWB with him? That means giving him everything he wants from you without getting any commitment back in return. Do you seriously think you can f a guy into loving you back?

    Also what do you mean "turn ugly again"? Did you get nasty in the original breakup? Do you have a tendency to be overly emotional and lash out when hurt? It takes quite a lot for a guy to turn down a FWB arrangement.

    I am not sure why you got so angry about him breaking off a FWB situation, going as far as deleting his social media and verbally abusing him... by definition being FWB means he has no obligation to you romantically. Surely you were not just upset about losing the sex, so what were you upset about? I know the answer. It was never a FWB for you, you were hoping it would go further and rekindle what you originally had.
    Yes, what I really want is a serious relationship, but I also know even if it really happened it's not gonna last long. I just wanted to be with him. The name-calling happened after the drunk hookup. It's kinda complicated. So basically, I was totally wasted and he was sober. He sent me back to my home and we had consensual sex, by that time he said we could remain fwb until he got in a relationship. But he lied to me after the sex. He said he was gonna go back to his place to park his car and would be back to my place afterwards, but he never did. And soon after that I found he was seeing someone else. Thus the name-calling. I know it's never right to behave like this.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. The best thing to do is get very busy outside of work. Join clubs, groups, take classes courses or volunteer. Get your social life going that doesn't include work people particularity the office Lothario. Delete him and all his friends from all your social media and messaging apps. Get on some dating apps and start messaging and meeting guys outside of work.

    He's just filling a void for you because it's easy and handy and he'll sleep with anyone. Be polite and professional, but stop hanging out. Be more proactive in your life and choose to date in a manner you wish rather than what's easy.
    Thank you for your kind words. I am working towards this now :)

  10. #19
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    Hi all, thank you for all your replies. Some of them are really useful and comforting, which is what I need right now.

    He's stopped talking to me as he's now more interested in our new colleague. I know at the end of the day this does more good than harm to me, but I still have feelings for him so it's quite difficult to stay in the same room with them. Today I let my jealousy have the best of me and texted him(I know I shouldn't have...), it was nothing but a chit chat. He didn't reply me, but at the same time he was flirting with the new colleague. I told him if he feels it's the best for us not to speak, it's fine by me and left it there, but then we got in a quarrel. He eventually said he didn't want us to have no contact, he just didn't know what to say to me at this moment. He then tried to chat with me a little more but when I did reply, he didn't even read my messages, while he and the new colleague was constantly talking.

    I know I made myself look pathetic, but at least now I realize I shouldn't take him too seriously. Now I just need to learn to deal with watching them flirting and be careful with boundaries.

  11. #20
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Herbalguan
    Yes, it happened after we agreed to date exclusively. I know it's silly but I somehow still have feelings for him and I don't know how to stop it.


    Yes, what I really want is a serious relationship, but I also know even if it really happened it's not gonna last long. I just wanted to be with him. The name-calling happened after the drunk hookup. It's kinda complicated. So basically, I was totally wasted and he was sober. He sent me back to my home and we had consensual sex, by that time he said we could remain fwb until he got in a relationship. But he lied to me after the sex. He said he was gonna go back to his place to park his car and would be back to my place afterwards, but he never did. And soon after that I found he was seeing someone else. Thus the name-calling. I know it's never right to behave like this.
    Okay OP, I am probably not a very "nice" adviser, but I am going to give you some good advice that will improve your life if you follow it.

    1) Find out why you have such poor judgement in men.

    Why despite knowing that a man cheated on you after promising to be faithful, you still want to be with him. Why despite that fundamental betrayal, you are so desperate to be with him that you are basically throwing yourself at him, and getting awfully hurt and angry when he breaks off a FWB situation, which frankly was actually the only kind thing this otherwise selfish man has done.

    Deconstruct that attraction. What do you love so much about the guy? Is he handsome? Is he strong? Is he awesome in bed? Is he wealthy? What do you desire so much in him? Are you drawn to emotionally unavailable bad boys? Do you want a guy even more when he proves that he can get other women at will? Do you want guys more when they do not want you? Are you perhaps even drawn to abuse for some reason?

    Let me give you a reverse example. I was a very naive, conservative and idealistic young "man" at 17 years old when I met my first girlfriend. I got pretty attached to her even though I had gone into the relationship with no expectations. Why? Firstly, I was immensely relieved that a girl I fancied finally liked me back, proving that I was attractive and worthy of romantic love. My insecurity however, meant that subconsciously, I was still scared that she might be the only girl who would find me attractive, she was at that point, a sample size of one. lol

    In addition, she projected a wounded victim image, you know, with a supposedly abusive ex, neglectful parents, mental health issues etc... It triggered my white knight response to be her guardian and protector, my need to be needed, my raison d'etre, which is an immensely powerful for men like me, who struggle with existentialism. But guess what? Once I deconstructed this infatuation, it was easy to see my own fallacies, insecurities and projections of what I thought she was and what she represented, rather than anything resembling reality. It was surprisingly easy to get over the breakup when it came.

    Deconstruct your attraction so that you can identify which "qualities" that you find attractive are actually the symptom of your own weaknesses.

    2) Work on those weaknesses.

    I think that you have enough self-awareness to at least partially answer question one.

    My family background has shaped me into an dramatic, emotionally-unstable, insecure person who desires to build a happy family, but ironically I always got into toxic relationships (before him).
    This is a quote from your post from 2018. My guess is that you have not gotten over your past and it is causing you to allow yourself to be attracted to the wrong kinds of men and allow yourself to be taken advantage by them. It is not good enough to just say, "I know it's silly but I somehow still have feelings for him and I don't know how to stop it." Yes you do have the power to control your emotions, you do have agency, you just need to learn to take charge of the steering wheel.

    You do this again by deconstructing your insecurities and self-destructive behaviours. Do not be ashamed of them. I am pretty sure everybody has them, it is just about being self-aware enough to not allow them to continue causing damage in your life.

    Another personal example. I used to have a lot of insecurity regarding my acne. I am a vain person, I am drawn to beauty, so I found my own imperfection hideous and repulsive. Unfortunately this contributed to my depressive withdrawal, social anxiety and self-loathing in the darkest periods of my life. Unfortunately I still have acne today, in fact I have a bit of an outbreak today, my left cheek is itchy today, reminding me of my auld enemy. BUT I have learnt that I am defined by a lot more than whether my face is clear of spots or not, so am I 100% over that insecurity? No. I still hate looking into the mirror close up and seeing all my scars and pores. But does it prevent me from working? Does it get in the way of my social life? Does it make me feel inadequate to date beautiful women? No, No and No!

    If you can do the above, I promise you that your life will turn for the better. Ideally you should seek therapy to address the underlying issues I alluded to above. But sometimes, I do feel that you can be your own best therapist. I went to a few months of counselling in my darkest days, it did me no good because I was not ready to get better myself. But if you can be objective and harshly honest with yourself, all the answers you need to get better are within yourself.

    Good luck.

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