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Thread: At a breaking point

  1. #1
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    At a breaking point

    My situation may be a no brainer for some people, but I'm stuck. Mainly because of my emotions. I'm sorry, but prepare for a long back story.

    Ever since I was a kid, my parents have had money problems. My parents didn't bring anything up to me as a child, but being nosey and listening in to their conversations, I always knew what was going on. Flash forward to me going to college, my parents footed the bill for 3 semesters. During the 3 semesters my mother was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to me, ever since I was a kid. But she pretty much said you're not going to school, you're a burden, whatever balance remain5on your tuition you pay it off.

    All the abuse continued for about 6 months. I was able to land 2 part time jobs. I didn't make much but I made sure that when my family needed me to contribute when I could, I did. But my mother was still abusive. It took me about 4yrs before I got my real first job! Benefits and all. I was ecstatic, mainly because I could really help my family especially since my father lost his job and my mom hadn't worked since my siblings were in school and still doesn't.

    Money was super tight, we lost our home, rented homes and are still renting now. At that time I felt that I wanted my independence. I wanted my own home. I brought it up to my parents and they both shot it down. My mother with the emotional abuse. Then my dad throws out that he needed heart surgery and the family needed me at this time. Of course I felt like crap and didn't feel like I could leave. At the same time my dad lost his job and used his severance package to go on a cruise, multiple trips to Disneyland and a cousin's wedding in San Diego.

    I was pissed, mainly because I was working my ass off, had to take over as the breadwinner and had more responsibilities and bills to take care of in addition to my own stuff. My parents are religious and use the bible to control everything, so every time I brought something up, they shot it down.

    My dad had his surgery and granted he did have some issue recovering because of his diabetes, he pulled through just fine. That was 3 years ago. Despite all of that, I didn't want to let my family stop me from pursuing a different career. I did. I knew that it was going to be hard, just the job itself.

    Anyways my mother sat at the table and told me that her and my dad were completely broke. She said she told him to work, but he didn't want to and they had nothing. She said that I'd need to completely take over everything and that'd everything would be hard until my father was able to find a job. This was all while I was starting a new career in law enforcement and needed all of my time and focus in the academy and learning the job itself.

    So I did. The problem quickly became worse. I took a pay cut with this new career. Starting way at the bottom and having to work myself back up. I quickly saw how I couldn't pay the rent (which was and still is more than 1 paycheck even with overtime), my bills (student loans, car payment, insurance, families cell phones, credit card, other actual necessities) plus their car payment, credit card, and other bills they would ask to be paid. Plus every bill they asked to be paid was late and cost way more money to be paid. I told my parents that I couldn't pay for their credit card and their car payment. My other 2 brothers stopped going to school and are working because of my parent's financial issue as well. My sister is turning 18 and about to graduate from high school. I know they'll ask for her help as well.

    About 2-3 weeks ago my parent's van was repossessed. I paid $1700 for them to get it back, but I wish I never did. My parents said the car is almost paid off with about$2400 left on the car. They expect me to pay off the car. They said they would sell the van and pay me back, but as usual it was a lie and I fell for it. They never drive it. They hide it in the garage to avoid another possible repossession. They expect to drive my car everywhere because I have gas even though my brother pays for gas for their cars.

    I'm to the point where I hate coming home. I can't stand seeing my parents. Every time I ask them certain things like are they planning on working, they say yes. Nothing gets done. I come home every day and my dad is on the couch watching tv and my mother is playing video games on her stupid tablet.

    I ask why they hand me bills late and my dad says its because me and my brother keep getting mad. He said he didn't know how he was able to pay all of the bills when it was just him working. That was when we were kids. It seems as if my parents are penalizing me for what they did as parents.

    They have nothing at any this time if they work, they'll be working until death because they have no savings or anything. I do love my parents but I'm
    two seconds away from walking out of this house and never coming back. They're using all of their children as cash cows and I can't stand it anymore. Every bit of money that I've saved up is gone. I'm living paycheck to paycheck. I refuse to let myself fall behind on my own bills. My parents are showing no since of urgency with anything. I believe it's because my siblings and I always bail them out.


    I want to leave but I feel like I'd feel so guilty. I guess it's the emotional abuse and manipulation they always put me through. They go to church and believe that God allows us to suffer so we can keep praying and depending on him.

    I literally cannot do this anymore. They keep saying that I'm the oldest and are expected to help out. But I literally cannot anymore. I need advice, I need to vent, I need to not be in this situation anymore.

    Sorry for the rant and the long long essay.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd sit down and go over the details and start developing a better plan separating your finances and moving out of this house. Speak with a financial advisor if you need to on coming up with a healthy budget if you want to help your parents (a stipend or monthly allowance that helps them cover their basic living expenses). I understand the idea of leaving them with nothing might be extreme as much as you might want to in your frustration.

    There aren't any limits or boundaries so it doesn't seem like there's any end in sight or reprieve or time/money to yourself. This is a dangerous place to be. Everything in moderation and take what you can handle. Speak to the right people and don't be afraid to create new rules for yourself.

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    I'm
    two seconds away from walking out of this house and never coming back.

    I did this 20 years ago and my situation was nothing as bad as yours.

    I want to leave but I feel like I'd feel so guilty. I guess it's the emotional abuse and manipulation they always put me through.
    you are the one allowing them to guilt trip you.They will never stop, that is for sure!
    Put your stuff in your car and drive far, far away! Start a whole new life. your situation is miserable. move on and live your own life. You may regret it a little, but life is full of regrets. You dont actually owe your parents anything. you have your own life to live. As they get older, they will get increasingly clingy. move on. I did.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I agree with Trojan. Pack up ypur stuff, get in your car, start driving far far away. Get over the guilt, it's a wasted emotion that will do you no good. Your parents dont work because they dont have to. You are enabling them to live the way they do because you pay the bills for them. They wont change because they dont need to. It's time for you to get the hell out of there and live your own life. If you dont one day you will turn around and be a lot older and still living with them and having them dictate your life. You get one shot at this life and you need to take it.

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    Thread: Losing track of my Family

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. Let them go to their church food banks and social services for help. Sell all tvs, phones, and whatever else you can in the house. Put all this stuff up on Craig's list, ebay whatever. Systematically sell everything. Contact the dealership to come get the cars. Disconnect all the phones, tv, cable, internet, etc. let them use prepaid flip phones. Move out and stop enabling them.
    Originally Posted by Missjb18
    They go to church and believe that God allows us to suffer so we can keep praying and depending on him.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    I agree with Trojan. Pack up ypur stuff, get in your car, start driving far far away. Get over the guilt, it's a wasted emotion that will do you no good. Your parents dont work because they dont have to. You are enabling them to live the way they do because you pay the bills for them. They wont change because they dont need to. It's time for you to get the hell out of there and live your own life. If you dont one day you will turn around and be a lot older and still living with them and having them dictate your life. You get one shot at this life and you need to take it.
    Absolutely!!!
    Stop paying their bills, they are grown adults, they will have to find a way to survive.
    Move out asap. Rent a room if need be. You need to start living your own life.

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    Same theme but softer approach.

    Once & for all recognize that your parents are financial black holes & will always be. Accept that as Gospel because it will never change.

    Now make a budget for yourself: rent, clothes, car, gas, insurance, utilities, spending money, retirement savings etc. Of what you have left, think about what you are willing to allocate to mom & dad. Then that is all they get. Period.

    Now move out. If you must since they are religious, talk to their pastor about your plans & how your parents are killing you. When they throw the commandments about honoring your parents at you, remind them that God helps those who help themselves & that sloth is a sin.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd contact my local social services agency and ask to be appointed with a case worker. You'll learn what resources are available to you and your family. From there, you can pursue your own resources, and your family can either pursue theirs, or not. You'll have given them opportunity to do so even while you've learned how to liberate yourself from their household.

  11. #10
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    Why can't they find a job? Your parents aren't elderly and it isn't your responsibility to support them. Cut them off, you're not an ATM. Work hard and save the money. Stop helping, they are draining you financially and emotionally. Leave and don't stay in touch. You're being manipulated and you've done enough.

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