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Thread: Letter the EX. Should I send it?

  1. #1

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    Letter the EX. Should I send it?

    Hello, I wrote a letter to my ex and I'm unsure if I should send it. I guess I just want opinions on whether it is appropriate and it doesn't sound like I want to reconnect. I know it won't achieve anything but clear my mind.


    Hello.


    I would just like to say a few things and then I'll be gone.

    I don't want any trouble, I stay well away from it these days.

    I saw you on the street the other day. You look good. I would of just said hello but what's the point at this stage. You just ignored me like I didn't exist.

    I'm sorry for the way I acted around you in the past. I was just a dumb angry kid. I was not mature enough to handle life or relationships and I made many bad mistakes in both. I had little life experience and I did not react to events in a mature way and failed to do the right thing in most cases.

    I could just not express my feelings and emotions at the time and express what I wanted at the time. I know I am a damaged flawed person, but I don't need people making fun of me on the internet to know who I am. The stuff you wrote was terrible, why would you be with someone if you felt so poorly about them. I just really wanted you to hold my hand and show/tell me what I needed to change and do without judging me or making fun of me.

    I know what went on back in the day but I was in denial to be honest. I know everything that went on. How did you think treating me that way was acceptable? How do you think using me for a year was OK? Why were you just not honest? I would of accepted the truth.

    I should not have sent those emails. My brain imploded. I just wanted to say hello and ask how are you. You know it took me a lot to ask you to go to Germany with me after everything and you just blew me off anyway. I know, I know clubbing isn't very appealing but that wasn't the point. The sad thing is I would of come and saw you in England but we would of slept together and you would of told me you didn't love me and I would of just hurt myself all over again.

    You know you said to me once everyone just uses me back in the day which is ironic in a way because you did too. You were right looking back. I blame myself, I let myself be used and didn't stand up for myself. I don't let myself be treated like that anymore which is probably why I have fewer friends. You know I loved those people like family despite everything. They were not there when I needed them though which says a lot.

    People didn't tell me the truth back then because they thought I would get hurt. I would of got upset sure but I could of dealt with that at the time and moved on. Keeping stuff from me, hiding and lying to me was normal from everyone. People just wanted their cake and to eat it too, use me, abuse me, make fun of me and hurt me but still be friends even though they knew I would of cut and run if they were honest with me. And why would people do something they know would hurt me anyway? Not very good people if you ask me.

    I learnt from my dad you can not make people love you no matter how hard you try. I really did love you and if I'm honest I still do now.

    Anyway I wish you well in the future. Thank you for giving me a chance.

    Thanks and goodbye.





  2. #2
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    First of all, the English major in me wants you to change "should OF" and "would OF" to the correct "should HAVE" and "would HAVE".

    Are you hoping to reconcile? From what you wrote, she wrote terrible things about you online. If she did, why do you want her back?

    And finally, no one writes and sends these things without hoping for a response or reaction. Please be honest with yourself about what you want to result from sending this.

    I recommend "no", don't send.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    In a word? No.

    I think letters like this are great exercises for processing our own feelings, but that they are better unsent until those feelings are less volatile. By then, often, we realize we don't need to send anything as it's been reduced down to the simplest of sentences: "I'm sorry for the hurt, and I genuinely wish you all the best." Or some such. So simple you can just think it, and feel it, instead of sending it to figure out what you really think and feel.

    To the specifics: this letter is very angry, hostile, and self-centric. Understandable, as you're in pain: mad at her/him, mad at yourself. But if your goal is getting back together, flinging that pain around is likely not the path—best for you to continue to process it. And if your goal is apologizing and wishing someone well moving forward—well, then it's best to keep the venom out. Maybe you don't quite know what your goal is, which is okay, but that too is a reason not to send something, since it just becomes kerosene on a fire. Fires just burn people.

    I'm sorry for your hurt. You'll get through this—and, I suspect, will get through it with more grace without sending the above. Keep feeling, keep reflecting—that's where peace is right now. It's a process.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    First off, good for you for writing it out.

    Very therapeutic.

    Second, no, do not send it.

    What’s done is done. If you are hoping she will feel guilt or regret reading your words, it’s possible she might, but doesn’t seem very likely given what you’ve written.

    Print the letter out and symbolically burn it.

    Remind yourself you deserve a partner, not drama. You gotta start with you though, sending that would be drama.

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  6. #5

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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    First of all, the English major in me wants you to change "should OF" and "would OF" to the correct "should HAVE" and "would HAVE".

    Are you hoping to reconcile? From what you wrote, she wrote terrible things about you online. If she did, why do you want her back?

    And finally, no one writes and sends these things without hoping for a response or reaction. Please be honest with yourself about what you want to result from sending this.
    I do still love them, I don't know why because they treated me like crap but honestly we just can't be together. They are abusive towards me. They assaulted me twice and the last time they gave me a black eye and said they used me to my face. That destroyed me, I have not recovered from that.

    I just wanted to vent. I've always found it hard to express my true feelings and what I think at the time. I just wanted them to know I know what they have done/did and how much it hurt me so much. But I know they don't care. I just wanted them to know I don't accept that kind of behavior in my life anymore.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Tetris
    I do still love them, I don't know why because they treated me like crap but honestly we just can't be together. They are abusive towards me. They assaulted me twice and the last time they gave me a black eye and said they used me to my face. That destroyed me, I have not recovered from that.

    I just wanted to vent. I've always found it hard to express my true feelings and what I think at the time. I just wanted them to know I know what they have done/did and how much it hurt me so much. But I know they don't care. I just wanted them to know I don't accept that kind of behavior in my life anymore.
    But that's not what your letter says. It reads mostly like a plea for "them" to love you again.

    There's no need to tell "them" you don't accept abusive behavior anymore. "They" don't need to have a window into your thoughts and feelings.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tetris
    I do still love them, I don't know why because they treated me like crap but honestly we just can't be together. They are abusive towards me. They assaulted me twice and the last time they gave me a black eye and said they used me to my face. That destroyed me, I have not recovered from that.

    I just wanted to vent. I've always found it hard to express my true feelings and what I think at the time. I just wanted them to know I know what they have done/did and how much it hurt me so much. But I know they don't care. I just wanted them to know I don't accept that kind of behavior in my life anymore.
    Telling them you still love them won’t accomplish that.

    But you know what will?

    Walking away.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tetris
    I just wanted them to know I don't accept that kind of behavior in my life anymore.
    Telling someone this is accepting them into your life, though. That's the hard part, and why writing and not sending is therapeutic while sending it is, as FiO said, inviting drama into your life.

    It's like reaching out to a knife to tell it that it can't cut you anymore. But touching the blade cuts you.

  10. #9

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    Yes I know I am looking for trouble. I have walked away multiple times but I have trouble letting go of the past. I have done this with ex friends and partners in the past, I know I shouldn't contact them but I do and then it goes badly. I really just wanted to vent and express myself. I won't send it. Thank you.

  11. #10
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    Why would you reach out to someone who trashed you on the internet, used, judged, treated you badly, and ignored you? I don't understand what you would gain from any of this? This is another lashing, at someone who is not worth your time.

    Don't you think it is finally time to move on?! I know that you have better things to do with your time. This sounds like you are just creating a lot of drama.

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