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Thread: Broke no contact - unsure how to proceed

  1. #1
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    Broke no contact - unsure how to proceed

    I reached out to my ex this weekend after two weeks of no contact.. I was having a very hard time with the fact that I specifically told him I could not talk to him anymore he day we finalized our breakup.

    I went into it very much anticipating no response. I had thought about it for days before I did it.. trying to make sure I would be okay when I didnít hear anything back. I decided I was.. that knowing he was not reaching out specifically because he didnít want to (not because of my request) would help me move forward. I took awhile trying to decide what I was going to say. I figured I didnít have anything to gain from being emotional and I didnít want to beg him to come back. I opted to send a funny video I had of his dog, said I just found it and thought heíd think it was funny. I followed it up by saying that I knew I said this was what I wanted, but I hated not talking.

    He ended up responding to me pretty positively.. commented on the video and said he hated not talking to me too, that it made him sad. He asked how my thanksgiving was and ended up telling me he got a new job. He said he wanted to tell me really bad, but didnít want to bother me, followed by a sad face. Our conversation was a little awkward at first, but gradually became more natural. We talked about some random stuff and our texting continued from Saturday - Monday. It wasnít constant.. sometimes a couple of hours in between response times, but he continued to be engaged and seemed to enjoy the conversation. His last text came through around 1130 pm Monday night, but I was sleeping. I decided to not respond this morning since it didnít contain a question or necessarily warrant a response. I donít want to seem like Iím desperate and even though I want him back, I still want to give him space.

    I guess at this point, I donít know how to proceed. I want to resume the relationship, but Iím not sure what could have possibly changed on his end in terms of the breakup. He had previously said he didnít see a future for us - I donít think that would necessarily be different in two weeks. I guess overall itís been more like 5 - we took a 3 week ďbreakĒ before the final break up where we had limited contact and didnít see each other at all in person. The thing is, I want to talk to him because I love him, but I also donít want to get inadvertently friend zoned. I want him to remember why we were good together and the fun we had, but still give him space to figure out what he wants. I recognize that I run the risk of being devastated all over again if he doesnít ultimately want to get back together. Iím just not sure how to navigate whatever this stage is and the contact weíre having now. Iíve never really wanted to resume a relationship with anyone before.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Not a big fan of reaching out to someone after they've taken some time away only then came back to finalize it. He said he didn't see a future with you. It wasn't an impulsive decision, but a well thought out and executed one.

    So what's done is done. You've cracked the door open if he chooses to return. I'd leave it from there. He knows what you want and where to find you. Anything more he'll begin to lose respect for you.

    Don't get fooled into reading into his words and kindness. Even those that choose to end it grieve the ending. He is going through a breakup of his own. You reaching out only helps take the sting out of it so he can wean himself away from you gradually. Don't help him get over you slowly.

    You will likely feel a deep regret when you find out that you may have set yourself up for disappointment again. You were hurt over his decision to begin with. You won't be happy when you realize you are now hurt over your choice to give in and call him.

    It's much like a withdrawal from alcohol. One sip and you are back to square one and starting over again. I don't know about you, but once is more than enough for me. Just remember, withdrawals tend to get worse before they get better.

    I had thought about it for days before I did it.. trying to make sure I would be okay when I didnít hear anything back. I decided I was.

    You contradict yourself here by saying you felt you were ok with the outcome and you ended the very same post with fear of being rejected all over again.

    If you ever consider doing something like this again, it's best you be brutally honest with yourself about your intentions.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    If you really feel compelled to stay in contactówhich I donít think is super healthy, though I know the instinct and feel for youóIíd take the advice you got in your last thread: specifically about being very clear in your intentionsógetting back togetheróand then just leave the ball in his court. He can meet you on that plane, or not, end scene. That way you can find solace in being honest and vulnerable rather than evasive.

    What youíre wading into right now? Speaking frankly, itís a swamp of your own creation. Youíre not really being honest with him, or yourself, but trying to control a story, slyly, to get the ending you want and soften the hurt you feel. Even the way you phrased your preparation for reaching out, the assumption that no response would mean he feels x or wants y: that is an attempt at control, a very common instinct when we feel weíve lost control, but not really one that serves us as much as acceptance. As youíre learning, since now youíre back in a maze.

    So, yeah, just be straight if you feel compelled to have more contact. No games, no control, but just a hard line that, moving forward, the only communication you can engage with is about reconciliation. Odds are you wonít get what you want, as I think you know, and odds are that youíll be better off not getting it and learning to live in the present and heal yourself without trying to turn the source of pain into a salve. Two weeks, or five, is a blink of an eye. Still, in the long run itís better to be clear so you get clear answers, since being vague and cagey will just let him know that youíre ďcoolĒ with vague and cagey. You get the little hit of adrenaline and hope that these nebulous exchanges trigger, followed by the crash of confusion and the icky feeling of your self-respect seeping our of you.

    As another poster said in your last thread, itís like quitting smoking: you donít quit by taking drags, as thatís just finding a way to keep smoking without the smoking even being pleasurable. So own that youíre not interested in quitting, at least not without one more pack, and let the cards fall where they fall. You can handle any outcome, you really can, but no point settling for purgatory. Thatís just freezing yourself in an inauthentic state, and no oneónot him, not any manówants to be with someone who is inauthentic. Odds are you donít want a man to be with you if youíre not capable of being authentic either.

    It is very hard to be honest with ourselves when weíre hurting. It is also a pretty critical life skill, as itís about self-respect. Disappointment is a mainstay of existing, and how we handle it defines us as much as anything. It doesnít get lessened by trying to dodge the full weight of it or control other people so theyíll cure it. That just creates new, bigger waves of a disappointment which will eventually crash, and crash hard.

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    You guys spent time together. Of course it's natural to miss each other, but don't be fooled into thinking he wants anymore than that. People think things through before breaking up with someone so these interactions doesn't change that decision.

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    our texting continued from Saturday - Monday. It wasnít constant.. sometimes a couple of hours in between response times
    So what, a couple of dozen texts each? I infer that at no point did he say he thought you might reconcile some day.

    I guess at this point, I donít know how to proceed. I want to resume the relationship, but Iím not sure what could have possibly changed on his end in terms of the breakup
    Nothing has changed, by the sound of it.

    Set yourself an achievable goal. Such as no contact for 4 weeks this time. Not that I am suggesting you should contact then, I am hoping that after 4 weeks you will decide not to because you will feel some improvement happening.

    As I said in your previous thread, about the only message you should give him, is that you only want him to contact you if he wants to reconcile. Other wise you are indeed friend-zoning yourself.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Since we can't undo what's done, I'm a fan of rationalizing it in the best light for my own head--then leaving it alone. So in this case, you can say that you've cracked your door open to remove any ideas for each of you about having an enemy in the world. So good: leave it at that, and trust that if the future ever has this guy reflecting on you fondly and wondering whether you'd be willing to give it another go, he will have no problem letting you know that.

    So now you're liberated from the fear of having slammed that possibility shut, and you can move forward toward reaching your own private higher ground. That's a place of a new perspective that can't be imagined, only experienced. I'd move my focus onto going there, and you will thank yourself later.

    Head high.

  8. #7
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    Nothing has changed. You have nothing to gain other than pain from being in contact. Didn't you say that he was on dating sites?

    He does not want a future with you. Time to move on.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Did you ever find out why exactly he didn't see a future with you? Are you a different culture/ethnicity/religion from him? You're never going to break past that wall (overcome that feeling of still wanting him in your life) if you don't understand it in the first place. I don't feel like you're seeing him for what he is.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Since we can't undo what's done, I'm a fan of rationalizing it in the best light for my own head--then leaving it alone. So in this case, you can say that you've cracked your door open to remove any ideas for each of you about having an enemy in the world. So good: leave it at that, and trust that if the future ever has this guy reflecting on you fondly and wondering whether you'd be willing to give it another go, he will have no problem letting you know that.

    So now you're liberated from the fear of having slammed that possibility shut, and you can move forward toward reaching your own private higher ground. That's a place of a new perspective that can't be imagined, only experienced. I'd move my focus onto going there, and you will thank yourself later.

    Head high.
    I agree with this.

    Especially if your actually are afraid of rejection, despite what you convinced yourself.

    You let it be known the door is open. The ball ia in his court now, let him come to you, you canít force this.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Plntldy22
    The thing is, I want to talk to him because I love him, but I also donít want to get inadvertently friend zoned.
    You're already there, OP. That happened when he broke up with you. He doesn't need space to figure out what he wants, either - he already decided he didn't want to continue the relationship. This hurts, I know, but you're worrying about these things as though they hadn't already happened. He didn't just take space from you or ask for a break; he definitively ended it.

    He is fine talking to you because he doesn't have the same romantic attachments to you anymore. I am sure he misses your companionship, but you would be wise not to confuse that with wanting to date again. They are two very different things and you are running the risk of getting hurt all over again when he reaffirms that there is no future together.

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