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Thread: Boyfriend cheated, does he deserve a chance to prove himself??

  1. #1

    Boyfriend cheated, does he deserve a chance to prove himself??

    So Ive been dating my boyfriend for over a year, Im 23 and hes 24. Before the terrible situation came about our relationship was really good. Our families love us together and were very involved in each our families lives. Weve taken trips together and were really each others best friend. Hes the most patient man I ever met and hes very caring and kind. So before the recent cheating I would have told you hes a really good man, rare even. And ive dated some ****ty guys before.


    Now recently, I discovered hes been communicating with this girl he met from twitter. Apparently the 2 have been heavily flirting and talking on the phone for months on and off. She even told me shes speak to him while he was with his friends. However they never met before due to her living in a state 3 hours away. She claims he planned to meet her but never did. She told me she knew nothing of me and thought he was single.

    He claims in the midst of a rough patch we had (constantly arguing) he started talking to her as a way to talk to someone to have an escape. He claims he never intended on having sex with her nor meet her in person.

    Hes owned up to his mistakes however, he only has because he got caught. Its been a few days and hes been calling and pleading every day to fix it and make it right. He claims he was stupid and says theres no excuse for what hes done. He claims he was weak and didn't deal with his problems like he should and he cowardly went outside of our relationship to find an escape. He tells me he wants just one chance to change and fix everything.

    Hes offered to give me his passwords to his social media and phone. He told me he doesnt plan on going out with his friends until were okay. Until this incident, I never thought about him cheating. Of course weve had fights here and there, and recently more frequently but nothing worth being mad about for more than a day.




    Im struggling with this though because even though he didnt sleep with her, it still hurts me to know he even entertained another women and I cant help but wonder how long it wouldve gone on if I didnt catch him, would he have ended up meeting her?

    I want to take him back but I want him to struggle first. I want him to hurt and go through hell so he knows to never do this again. Ive blocked him and rejected all his proposals of fixing this. Its been extremely hard because I really just want to give him the chance to make this right.





    He just sent me a long message about just wanting me to give him a chance and hell prove hes worthy of it and all that jazz. I ended up blocking him and before I did, telling him how I love him and this will be the hardest thing ever. I feel like maybe I should make him feel like hes really lost me before I give him a chance.




    I love him so much, I started to plan my future with him, I dont want to let him go but I dont want less than I deserve.

    What should I do?? What would you do?? Leave him and move on? Or make him work hard to earn a second chance??

  2. #2
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    First Im sorry this happened.

    Second dont play mind games. I know you want to but you need to be the bigger person here.

    I personally have cheating of any kind a dealbreaker. He may not have slept with her but he emotionally cheated!

    You have to keep in mind also, that this was his reaction to a fight you two had. Will he always try to find ways to cope whenever you two struggle?

    I think you can do way better because cheating is very disrespectful.

    It shows all he can think about are his needs.

    He says hell change but he wont because he hasnt fixed what made him cheat in the first place.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Tough situationsorry about this.

    I think you are, right now, struggling to think and feel clearly, as is expected. So first things first, I'd make it a priority to find some stability in your head and heart, best you can. That means just sitting with this for a bit, hard as it all is, without reacting or trying to trigger some reaction from him that will stabilize things. So take about a 100 deep breathsfor real. Take some space from himfor real. Talk to trusted friendsand, perhaps, a therapist who can help you sort through your feelings from an objective angle.

    To the specifics:

    At the end of the day, only you can decide if this is a dealmaker for you, or not. Neither one of those choices is more "right" than the other, as what matters is what choice is right, or feels most right, for you. The really hard thing is, if you're going to try to get through this, together, you can't do that by engaging in manipulation.

    The instinct to hurt him, to punish him, to make him "earn" a second chance, to "feel like he's really lost" youall that is just adding destruction to a destructive moment. Yes, it's totally understandable, totally human. If my neighbor punched me in the face when I waved a hello, a primal part of me would want to break his arm and burn down his house. But, big picture, I don't want to be a person who does those thingsI'd hate myselfso my choices are basically (a) steer clear of my neighbor or (b) see if we can find peace, while remaining cautious as peace gets (re)established over time.

    This moment is kind of similar to that. You have to think big picture, which means thinking past the immediate pain, and really asking yourself who you want to be and whether you can still be that person with him, in any way, after this. Many people can'tand know this instinctively, as limichelle described. Some can, and do. Some try, and learn it's "too much, too hard." Others aren't sure. Me, for instance? I'm genuinely not sure if I could work through it, though I suspect I would try, in certain scenarios: a decade into marriage, or some such.

    A year or so in, though? I probably would have no choice but to back away, as one of the most essential qualities I seek in others is how they handle conflict and difficult moments. I think the world of my girlfriend, for instance, and a big part of that is because I adore the grace she shows when the winds of life blow strong. Were I to find out later today that she has a pixilated side piece whispering sweet nothings into her phone? I wouldn't hate her, but I don't think I could be with her anymore. The grace would have proved illusory, as the woman I love is not a woman who needs a saucy distraction when things get a little rough.

    You are both quite young. That sounds, I know, condescending coming from an internet stranger (who is, for reference, 40). I don't mean it that way, but just to try, along with the pain and confusion right now, to see it from that angle, and ask yourself how genuinely you are invested in the equation of you plus him being the foundation for your future with this moment. You don't need to answer that today, but if you try to work through this, together, it has to be because you genuinely see a future, not because you want to make him squirm. Mad as you are right now, it is yourself you have to live with forever, and I don't think you'll like yourself a whole lot by indulging in that approach.

    Here's a thought experiment. Imagine that trying to stay together means 8 months to a year that is going to be pretty hard. Not full-on misery, but not an easy walk, and nothing like the past year or so. After those 8 months to a year? The chances are 50/50 that you guys are functional or four times more emotionally gutted than you are today.

    Are you up for that roll of the dice?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. What is the constant arguing about? Unfortunately you seem to be planning your wedding bells and kids names, future, picket fence etc way too much and are to fixated on this. Stop.

    Secondly what is worse than some twitter convo is that he claims it's how he deals with stress. This is a guy who wants to stick it to you behind your back, not "deal with stress".

    End it. You are not compatible no matter how much "your families love you together". You are both playing a game and this is a divorce waiting for the wedding if you go further. The only thing you have in common is being passive-aggressive in your approaches.
    Originally Posted by confusedtyla
    Im 23 and hes 24.
    He claims in the midst of a rough patch we had (constantly arguing) he started talking to her as a way to talk to someone to have an escape. He claims he never intended on having sex with her nor meet her in person.

    Hes owned up to his mistakes however, he only has because he got caught.

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  6. #5
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    Personally?

    I would cut my losses and be done. It's only been a year, and his response to a rough patch was to seek out another woman. You are going to find it very hard to ever trust him again, particularly as he didn't come clean on his accord. My personal experience tells me the damage done to a relatively short relationship isn't worth trying to repair it.

    There are better guys out there, who don't sniff around for other options when the going gets tough. He has shown you his true colours. They're not what you thought they were. Take him back at your own risk, and understand the road ahead is going to be incredibly bumpy and not likely to go back to the way it was.

    How did you find out about this, by the way? It's clear you've communicated with his crush. Did she come to you with this, or?

  7. #6
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    It is not a very encouraging sign when in the first year of your relationship he spent months emotionally cheating . I don't agree with your mind games though and be careful not to mistake his desperation right now for pure love !

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    He showed you who he really is, so believe him. Decent, honest, caring guys do not cheat no matter the provocation or opportunity.

    This guy is doing typical, stereotypical cheater bs - when caught, shift blame. You see it's your fault, you were arguing, you are somehow responsible that he had to go find someone else. Note that someone else is strategically located just far away enough for him to be comfortable you and her won't run into each other in your local grocery store. No, OP, I'm sorry but he is not sorry about cheating, he is only sorry he got caught. He meant to cheat because that's who he is and yes, he'll do it again, except next time he'll hide it better.

    The other problem with cheaters is that you have no idea how many times they've done it and will never really know. You only know about the times or time you've caught them - look at it always as just the tip of the iceberg. What you know of him was nothing more than a facade and one he is trying to restore with crocodile tears and promises, but the truth behind the facade is ugly. He meant to do what he did to please himself and he didn't give a hoot about you, your relationship, or how you'd feel about it. All about himself and that's who he is.

    If you want to know more or want to know what happens to women who forgive and marry these creeps, check out chumplady.com It will be an eye opener for you and I think you'll relate all too well to the behavior listed in detail in that blog.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Missed how short your relationships has really been. I mean yeah......he spent most of your relationship cheating on you. There is nothing to do here but move on asap.

  10. #9
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    Emotional cheating is worse than physical cheating!

    You say that he had been communicating with her for months. Have you been fighting the entire time? What percentage of the relationship has he been cheating on you? How do you know that this is the only girl? Why didn't he communicate the issues with you, instead of turning to another? What happens the next time there is conflict?

    I would NOT go back to this guy. You have not been dating long, and he has cheated a considerable amount of your relationship. He has shown you who he is and you would be foolish to return.

    He does not respect you, OP!

  11. #10
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    Nope. no chances.

    If a woman ran up to him, flung her arms around him and planted one on him and he kissed back in the heat of the moment - that's an incident which you can choose to forgive or not.

    This has been an orchestrated emotional affair.

    He has proven at the first sign of shakey ground he cheats.

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