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Thread: Boyfriend cheated, does he deserve a chance to prove himself??

  1. #11
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you are hurting.

    He said it himself, he is weak. That's not something that can be changed easily. And it's something that someone has to really want to work on themselves, it can't be sped along in an attempt not to lose someone or something.
    He doesn't ' get it' and your hurt and anger, or hoops you may think of putting him through, won't magically turn on that light of understanding.

    I think you deserve someone who already gets it. Who you can build a future with, from a strong foundation of love and respect. It's just not him. It hurts, I know, but it would prolong your pain to drag this out. Don't put yourself through more than you have to.

    As a general rule, if a relationship ever gets to a point where there is discussion of one person being under a leash by the other, that's a very good sign to pack things in. The idea of you monitoring his phone and being a police to him is terrible. Don't fall for it. It's prison for you too.

  2. #12
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Rather than being sorry for what he did, it seems he's sorry he got caught, and will likely find better ways to cover his tracks.

    Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, comes to mind here.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Don't punish him or make him suffer. That's not the goal. The goal is to live your best life forwards. You should make up your mind whether it involves him or not. I'm also not sure what your fighting or arguments were about. Maybe it's time to be very honest with yourself whether it would have worked out in the long run at all, with or without this incident.

    The easy route would be to vilify him.

    The more difficult and meaningful route, in my opinion, is to take a very good look at the dynamic in the relationship and ask yourself whether this was adding to or subtracting from your overall happiness as a person.

  4. #14
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    Did he stop on his own before you "caught" him or after?

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  6. #15
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Did he stop on his own before you "caught" him or after?
    Listen to Bolt! Get real! He got caught, otherwise he would be continuing on! Don't be stupid!

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    As many others said, I am sorry. This does hurt. Looking back over my own dating life, especially in my 20's, this is what I would tell the younger version of myself:

    Take the time to really think about how you feel about all this. I mean the kind of thinking that requires alone time, consistently, for as long as it takes until you really process how you feel. When I was but a babe in the woods and I would be hurt by my boyfriend, I always seemed to care so much about fixing it and moving past how I felt. I felt pressure to be in a relationship. I felt like loving someone meant loving them unconditionally. What a load of you know what that unconditional love phrase is. All those thoughts and feelings were focused on others-- the boyfriend at the time, the judgment from my friends or family, my own picture of what I wanted this guy to be but he wasn't and I didn't or wouldn't see it or myself in all this. What did I want for my life? And was the guy even capable of what I wanted? Was I just someone that met his version of whatever he was needing at the time?

    You mentioned your family loves you together. Forget that. Your relationship is yours. It's great that you have support of your relationship-- but that "everyone loves us together" is not a reason to be with someone.

    HONOR YOUR OWN FEELINGS.

    He may want a chance to make this work out, but what is his motivation for that? Love? Cheating for months and essentially blaming unhappiness in the relationship is not how love works. If you guys were arguing a lot and going through troubles, why wasn't he focused on fixing things with you?


    Maybe some time apart will do you some good. Tell him you don't know how you feel, since you don't. That's the truth. If he wants to know what that "means", then he just has to wait and find out. when you know you will tell him. He messed up. So he doesn't get to say how you repair things for yourself. If he gets mad and starts dating someone else, wont' that tell you how he really feels. If he is patient and lets you have space, but shows remorse and changed behavior, then maybe you two will get past it.

    Sometimes people say and do things out of ego, not out of love. That is very immature. Relationships with an ego don't work. But, he could also improve. It will be a BIG RISK on your part to take him back. Because this could be a long road of "once a cheat always a cheat". Or not. There's no way to know right now. You just have to make some good choices for yourself and that will take time for you to know.

    Good luck!

  8. #17
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    No, this was many months in the making...There's no going back. He's already proven himself to you, as someone you need to break up with and never ever trust again.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    does he deserve a chance to prove himself?
    He already did.

  10. #19
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    You call this cheating? It's not even emotional cheating - he's not in love with her. He doesn't even know her. You called it "entertaining". Let's agree that's what it was and leave it at that. Entertainment doesn't break-up a relationship. She wasn't even powerful enough to get him to take a drive.

    You're going to manifest a break-up if you don't work on your confidence and self-esteem. This isn't about him or her, it's about how you're reacting to it - your wanting to hurt him, to put him through hell says a lot about you. Who wants to be with a person who's vindictive instead of forgiving? If you play the game you have in mind, are you prepared to lose? As long as you're ready for the worst case scenario, do what makes sense to you.

  11. #20
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    It doesn't matter what kind of cheating it is -it's a betrayal, it's inconsistent with being in a committed relationship, it's how he deals with conflict. I wouldn't invest more time in this -if you were married, especially if there was a child involved then sure maybe but I agree with the others -for most of the time you've been involved with him he's been dishonest and misleading in his actions.

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