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I did something and I’m not sure how to process it


Nikki89

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Before anyone even reads this I’m going to start off by saying I don’t want any judgement because I know some of the things I’ve done are wrong. I know my actions have hurt people and I know the consequences of my actions. This doesn’t change the way I feel about the situation and certain people in it.

 

I’ll start with some back story on my relationship with my husband. He’s a good guy. He’s always been patient with me and the issues I had in the beginning of our relationship. I wrote about some of that in an earlier post. Our whole relationship has been overall good other than some stuff to do with intimacy (from the other post). He likes to take care of me and he does literally everything for me without me asking to the point that I almost feel like a child in my own home. If I get up and start to wash the dishes or even cook he tries to stop me and tells me he will take care of it. I know this isn’t a bad thing. Who wouldn’t want someone to do everything for them and never complain about it? It’s just something I’ve gotten used to over the last 11 years but in a way it makes me feel useless in my own home.

 

My job is very demanding and I have worked my butt off to get where I am with my company. I take a lot of pride in my work. It makes me feel good to see how far I can push myself in my position. In March the owner of the company hired his nephew. Instead of starting out on the lower end of things he was bumped up to a position where I’m in charge of him. He’s the complete opposite of the type of people that work here. He’s always had a job doing physical labor and has never really worked in a professional setting. He worked beside me through a particularly rough day when he started and after watching me handle things at the end of the day I can remember him telling me he always thought the work his uncles company did was easy because it’s not physically demanding but at that moment he respected the h*** out of me. Something about hearing him say that just did something to me I can’t explain.

 

(I’ll continue this later. I don’t have time to finish typing it for now so it’s to be continued...)

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What happens next is this young new attentive guy in contrast to your husband is something you're considering. Bad marriage/sex + new/attentive coworker often = trouble/affairs.

I met my husband when I was 19. I’ll be 30 in a couple of months so we have been together nearly 11 years and married almost 9. Our sex life is seriously so boring and so predictable. I’ve tried so hard to change it but I honestly just end up watching porn and playing with myself every chance that I get just to relieve some of the sexual frustration.
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OP I hope you aren't going to say you cheated with this guy... based on your last post and how you set this one up I am afraid I might be wrong :(

 

Did you get therapy and/or do couples therapy as was suggested in your previous thread? What have you done to change the dynamic of your marriage and make it better?

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I don’t have time to finish the whole post right now but I do want to make it clear that I did not cheat! That’s not saying I wasn’t tempted. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t but I have more respect for myself than that. With that being said I’m also admitting that I’m not proud of how the situation was handled either.

 

Without going into detail there was a lot of flirting and suggestive conversation. We never talked outside of work so it was something that happened only while we were around each other at work and nothing was ever acted on. He is also a married man. He recently found out his wife is pregnant. The flirting didn’t stop after that. I think I let it go on for so long because he made me feel amazing. I’m not gonna lie. I started to seriously question my relationship with my husband.

 

So the thing I did that I’m not sure how to process is I eventually felt guilty and I told my husband what had been happening and why. Of course he was hurt but he said he wanted to work through it. He also knew the guy ( which I didn’t know). Then he let it slip to some mutual friends of theirs while asking for advice and now the guys pregnant wife knows about the the situation. So like I said people were hurt and I feel like it’s all my fault.

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I don’t have time to finish the whole post right now but I do want to make it clear that I did not cheat! That’s not saying I wasn’t tempted. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t but I have more respect for myself than that. With that being said I’m also admitting that I’m not proud of how the situation was handled either.

 

Without going into detail there was a lot of flirting and suggestive conversation. We never talked outside of work so it was something that happened only while we were around each other at work and nothing was ever acted on. He is also a married man. He recently found out his wife is pregnant. The flirting didn’t stop after that. I think I let it go on for so long because he made me feel amazing. I’m not gonna lie. I started to seriously question my relationship with my husband.

 

So the thing I did that I’m not sure how to process is I eventually felt guilty and I told my husband what had been happening and why. Of course he was hurt but he said he wanted to work through it. He also knew the guy ( which I didn’t know). Then he let it slip to some mutual friends of theirs while asking for advice and now the guys pregnant wife knows about the the situation. So like I said people were hurt and I feel like it’s all my fault.

 

Well, it is cheating to be involved emotionally with someone. It’s called an emotional affair.

 

It’s both of your faults.

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You decided to unburden your guilt by telling your husband - which of course upset him - it would upset anyone even if you technically didn't commit adultery.

 

How to "process" it - kind of a fancy term -it's far more simple than that. No need to "process" - you can do that later when you have time after you take care of what's really important -your follow up actions. Action one - tell your husband you are sorry you did it, sorry you burdened him with that out of self-absorption/selfishness, and explain to him what you plan to do to insure this never happens again. Maybe that's about counseling, maybe it's about doing something to improve yourself - so that through personal growth your actions will reflect caring and thoughtfulness and kindness - whatever it is be ready to tell him. Then ask him "how can I help" (make up for what you did).

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Not trying to defend my actions in any way but I’d hardly call it an “emotional affair”. We literally never talked outside of work and in no way had a relationship other than the flirting and suggestive conversation while at work. But hearing things like he respected me and just the way he made me feel like I was appreciated made me doubt my relationship with my husband because as I mentioned before he kind of babies me. I don’t feel like he respects me for what I do at work because he doesn’t know what I deal with on a daily basis. I know that he hears me talk about how demanding it can be but he’s not there to see me in action and I really do take a lot of pride in my work. It was just nice to see that appreciated.

 

There was a lot that led up to the flirting too. It didnÂ’t just happen from the beginning but I just kind of skipped over all that because I was short on time to type it all and just wanted to make it clear I did not have sex with him.

 

It got to the point that I felt like it was going to lead to sex if I didnÂ’t stop it and thatÂ’s when I came clean. I didnÂ’t do it to hurt my husband in any way. I just wanted him to know why I let it go as far as it did and thatÂ’s simply because he didnÂ’t treat me like I was someone that needed taken care of. I explained to him that I appreciate everything he does for me but sometimes it makes me feel useless.

 

Then the whole thing was blown up into something much bigger than it should have been which got his pregnant wife involved. I honestly donÂ’t think either of us would have willingly cheated on our spouses because just from earlier conversations neither of us are that type of person but we were just drawn to each other in a way because we both had issues at home and flirting at work was just a kind of escape from that for 10 hours a day.

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I started to seriously question my relationship with my husband.

 

This isn't quite true, is it? I'm just going from your last post, but it sounds like you've spent a lot of your marriage questioning your relationship—along with yourself.

 

My read, for whatever it's worth? Your marriage is based on an outdated self-conception. In your marriage you are half-frozen as a wounded 19-year-old, which was probably comfortable for a bit, what you needed, if also an unhealthy framework for partnership. Now you're 30, you've grown, no longer want to be viewed as the wounded child, feel a bit imprisoned by that identity, but that's challenging with your husband—the gentle nurturer, both by nature and alongside you. He's grown into a shape that best comforts a shape you've grown out of, at least in your own conception of things.

 

This dude, the flirting? It's lame, yes, but it's just a symptom of (a) all of the above and (b) you not dealing with that in a mature manner. That's the big snag. You like it because you feel, at last, like a strong woman of respect, but that feeling is being delivered by adolescent-like behavior. Same coin, new side.

 

Time, now, to be the grown up you are and deal with all this like a grown up. That means getting real about your marriage, actively, rather than passively seeking solace. "Getting real" might eventually mean your marriage doesn't last, but better to get to that hard place though mature steps than immature ones. Give some marital counseling a go to see if you and your husband and reconnect with each other as the people you are today, rather than who you were at 19. You may find it to be rewarding and invigorating, together, which will be much more rewarding and invigorating than the sideways version.

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OP whatever you decide to call it doesn’t change the impact it had on the people in your life.

 

It’s not being blown out of proportion by others... they are simply reflecting yours (and his) behaviour back to you and you are seeing it from someone else’s point of view which is just as valid as yours.

 

It’s up to you what you decide to do with all of this information... processing involves looking within your heart and owning what you did and the reasons you did it so that you can let go and move forward.

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Agree that telling your husband about all the flirting was an attempt to wake him up to your sexuality. You told your husband to shake him up not because some flirting caused guilt. Yes it backfired in the sense that trying to hurt him for your sexual frustration he in turn hurt you by embarrassing you and outing this flirtation to everyone involved.

 

Ok now that your bedroom issues are starting to become toxic to everyone around you, isn't it time you get marriage therapy and solve the real problems rather than drag everyone else through all this? Now the whole office knows about what's going on (or not going on) in your bedroom. Stop. Just stop.

 

Your refusal to communicate your needs to your husband are at the root of this. First you give him rules not to touch you, then you change the rules but don't tell him. Start private therapy, then couples therapy.

I told my husband what had been happening and why. Of course he was hurt but he said he wanted to work through it. He also knew the guy ( which I didn’t know). Then he let it slip to some mutual friends of theirs while asking for advice and now the guys pregnant wife knows about the the situation.
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Then the whole thing was blown up into something much bigger than it should have been which got his pregnant wife involved.

 

She needed to be involved, OP. You don't really get a say in determining just how big it "should" have been blown up. That's not your measurement to take.

 

Even if you two did not physically cheat, what you were doing was highly inappropriate and very damaging to your respective marriages. The fact that she is carrying his child makes it even worse. At a time when a couple should be excited for their family taking shape and basking in the glow of an upcoming birth, his wife now gets to deal with the fact that her husband is shady character. When she one day looks back on this pregnancy, it is not going to be with the same fondness and joy that a mom might typically experience when remembering this special period in her life. And yes, part of that is very much your fault.

 

It is not all your fault, of course. He could have easily put the brakes on it and told you to bugger off. He didn't, and you didn't put a stop to it when you should have. You and he are both to blame for this mess.

 

The question now is, do you genuinely still want to be married?

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Wow!

 

Where to start...

 

1. You were flirting at work with the bosses nephew? Who do you think is going to loose their job when this whole thing blows up? Here is a hint, it isn't going to be family.

2. I always find it interesting that people start questioning their marriage AFTER someone else shows interest in them or they are cheating.

3. You are married, he is married and both of you were wrong and disrespectful to your vows, your marriage and your families.

4. Just because you didn't have sex (yet) doesn't mean what you did is less of a thing to your husband or his wife.

5. Speaking of the ultimate betrayal, he has a pregnant wife at home. He sounds like a real stand up guy, just the kind of guy you want to ruin your whole life for.

 

First off you need to stop trying to downplay what you did. Then apologize profusely to your husband and get into marriage counseling right away.

 

Next tell this nephew that what happened was a huge mistake and it will never happen again ever!

 

Lastly hope that everyone at work, including HR doesn't hear about this.

 

If you want to fool around with other men then divorce your husband. I have a feeling you are going to really miss being treated like a princess. Once divorced your ex husband can one day meet someone that appreciates all that he does around the house.

 

The cat is out of the bag, time to accept you screwed up on a bunch of levels and figure out why you thought it was okay to do what you did.

 

Lost

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If you want to be treated and respected like an adult, then act like it. What you've done so far is childish self centered behavior.

 

If you want to take more charge of the home, chores, etc. what's stopping you from simply doing it and talking to your husband about what you want to do and how? Adults talk and resolve issues like that instead of hiding behind platitudes like "well I should like it". There is no should, there is only that if you've grown or want change, implement it. If you want respect, then show respect to your husband by actually communicating with him. Respect is not unilateral and not something you just get.

 

Do you accomplish things at work by avoiding telling your team what needs to be done and how? No. So why do you think your marriage will improve without that communication?

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Not trying to defend my actions in any way but I’d hardly call it an “emotional affair”. We literally never talked outside of work and in no way had a relationship other than the flirting and suggestive conversation while at work.
Then why burden your husband with your folly?

 

But hearing things like he respected me and just the way he made me feel like I was appreciated made me doubt my relationship with my husband because as I mentioned before he kind of babies me.
You're a grown up. Tell him you don't want him to cook the dinner or clean the dishes that it's your turn and you want to pamper him for a change. Geeze. Speak up if you're being made to feel lesser.

 

I donÂ’t feel like he respects me for what I do at work because he doesnÂ’t know what I deal with on a daily basis. I know that he hears me talk about how demanding it can be but heÂ’s not there to see me in action and I really do take a lot of pride in my work. It was just nice to see that appreciated.
Its not your husband's job to make you feel valued at your job. It is your success at it and the kudos you get from your superiors that should be satisfying you in that matter.

 

There was a lot that led up to the flirting too. It didnÂ’t just happen from the beginning but I just kind of skipped over all that because I was short on time to type it all and just wanted to make it clear I did not have sex with him.
So, why are you feeling so guilty that you had to tell your husband about some innocent flirting that you've come to realize somehow crossed the line for you? Couldn't you just have shut it all down and behaved from the light bulb moment on? You could have shut down your coworkers schmaltz just as easily as you confessed to your poor husband.

 

It got to the point that I felt like it was going to lead to sex if I didnÂ’t stop it and thatÂ’s when I came clean.
A priest would have been a better person to confess too. As long as you knew it was going too far, you should have just put an end to it and saved your husband the grief and the other man's wife the same.

 

I didnÂ’t do it to hurt my husband in any way. I just wanted him to know why I let it go as far as it did and thatÂ’s simply because he didnÂ’t treat me like I was someone that needed taken care of. I explained to him that I appreciate everything he does for me but sometimes it makes me feel useless.
That confession in the bold came way too late.

 

Then the whole thing was blown up into something much bigger than it should have been which got his pregnant wife involved. I honestly donÂ’t think either of us would have willingly cheated on our spouses because just from earlier conversations neither of us are that type of person but we were just drawn to each other in a way because we both had issues at home and flirting at work was just a kind of escape from that for 10 hours a day.
O.o I think you're the first woman on this forum that has used the excuse to go over board, boarder line cheat because her husband treats her well.

 

Gurfriend... use your communication skills to solve problems at home next time and save yourself all this drama. Don't unburden your guilt to your husband when all of this could have ended at work through your own convictions, personal boundaries and morals (since you say you're not that type of person)

 

Why are you so afraid to openly communicate with your husband what your needs and wants are but you were so free to disclose something that he didn't need to know if you were shutting it all down and nothing sexual happened? Why don't you trust your husband enough to be truly vulnerable to him?

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Hi OP,

 

I'm speaking from experience, in being a cheater and being cheated on (and YES - also semi-cheating or intense flirting at work), that there is a certain immaturity level required for downplaying the hurt you've caused others (as lostandhurt said). And you would tell me, "But LC, I told my husband what happened. Isn't that owning up to what I did?"

 

Here's the problem with that though:

 

 

I didnÂ’t do it to hurt my husband in any way. I just wanted him to know why I let it go as far as it did and thatÂ’s simply because he didnÂ’t treat me like I was someone that needed taken care of. I explained to him that I appreciate everything he does for me but sometimes it makes me feel useless.

 

 

It seems to me you told him not to be fair to him, maybe not even to absolve yourself, but because:

 

He likes to take care of me and he does literally everything for me without me asking to the point that I almost feel like a child in my own home.

 

This "confession" seemed little more than you basically saying, "See, you babied me so much that I almost stepped out on you, so stop it!"

 

Which is odd, because all those times he sweetly took over your chores for you, you were free to say, "Honey, I appreciate it, but I'm going to do this and YOU can just take care of me later in other ways," wink wink, etc. If indeed it got to the point where you felt babied as you said, then something more assertive could be in order: "No, I got it. Really, I'm doing this and I need to do this." Unless he held a gun to your head and forced you to sit down while he did the dishes?

 

I could be missing something since you were in a hurry when you typed this all out. But am I correct in saying that this confession was the first time you stood up to him (really stood up to him) about being babied? And it was coupled with the slap in the face of "btw I exchanging suggestive flirting with a guy at work"?

 

If that was really why you flirted with Work Guy...then you should have spoken to your husband about this pressing issue FIRST. It's completely unfair to your hubby to be secretly upset about a dynamic between you two, and then run to flirt up the boss's nephew.

 

"No, LC," you say again. "There were things that led up to it. That's not how it was."

 

Yes, I know. You don't think it was "that bad":

 

Not trying to defend my actions in any way but I’d hardly call it an “emotional affair”. We literally never talked outside of work and in no way had a relationship other than the flirting and suggestive conversation while at work.

 

But the most important part out of all your posts is this:

 

He recently found out his wife is pregnant. The flirting didn’t stop after that. I think I let it go on for so long because he made me feel amazing.

 

That's the problem. That's the crux of it and why so many fine folks on ENA are saying what they're saying. You knew the stakes and chose to do what you wanted. It got to a point where you had to "confess" to your husband and he is hurting. So call it an affair, not call it an affair -semantics are the least of your worries right now, especially semantics discussed with a bunch of strangers on the internet -you did a thing, he's hurt, you have to fix it. But even in confessing to him you lashed out at him subtly, hinting that it's HIS fault that YOU flirted with the boss's nephew. If your confession came from an unselfish place with only your husband's feelings in mind, you would not have said it that way. Because I like to think that in spite of your words, you know very well that it is not your husband's fault! That was your choice. You wouldn't believe the things that actually-committed married couples put up in each other because they refuse to break their spouse's trust.

 

So while you believe you are being mature about it while "owning up" to the flirting, in the end it was just more selfishness. It was just dressed up a little differently.

 

Why am I bothering to tell you all this? Because your mindset is hurting your poor husband. Your marriage has a chance of making it IF you stop this selfishness BS right now and literally only think of what would help your husband heal. Because it certainly takes priority over your being babied because HE wants to do YOUR chores.

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My ex and his co worker got all flirty too.

I found out.

It destroyed both marriages.

 

You are having an emotional affair with this man. You are sharing intimate details of yourself with someone other than your Husband.

 

I feel very sorry for both of your Spouses.

 

How can they ever trust either of you again?

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I find it down right comical that you start a post, don’t finish it, like we’re watching the cliff hanger of a dang soap opera, state you don’t have time to finish yet you have time to write thorough responses and you had time to post what you did...

 

Why not, I don’t know leave it as a rough draft until you had time to finish, what was the point of posting if you were going to leave info out.

 

You are manipulative as hell! And I’m not saying that lightly you are seriously manipulative and I think it’s time you heal from your past... yikes!

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You really have two things only that you ought to be worrying about: your career and your marriage.

 

Everything else is white noise and may end up being a product of your indiscretion. They are elements you cannot change anymore and the cat is out of the bag. Be wise now and pick your battles.

 

Limit your contact with this person you've been flirting with and keep things to work related matters only. Be more self-aware and aware of your surroundings. There's a good chance that your career at this company is over so be realistic about what the job market is like and I wouldn't think it's overdoing it to take a look at similar positions elsewhere at other organizations. Don't let your work get to your head again. No matter how many hours you put in or how hard you work, nothing is permanent. It doesn't matter how many degrees you've got or what position you hold. If you're not good enough at it or don't maintain your level of professionalism, none of it will last. None of it matters either if people find a reason not to like you. That's just the real world.

 

Your second priority is your marriage. If you haven't completely checked out mentally and emotionally from your marriage and are one step away from separating from him, you should be thinking about reconciling or working things through with counselling at the very least. You owe this to yourself and your spouse if you are not heading towards separation. Not everyone agrees with marriage counseling but it's a service available to many if they want to seek that help. He may be unsure given the events that have happened. Nothing about your writing suggests to me that you are interested in continuing with your marriage. Maybe that's why you've also checked out of this thread - it's because you're wishing you knew how to get out. Be honest with yourself and your spouse if you no longer see yourself with him. Don't continue making decisions that hurt you and your future/career and don't keep repeating the same mistakes.

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This isn't quite true, is it? I'm just going from your last post, but it sounds like you've spent a lot of your marriage questioning your relationship—along with yourself.

 

My read, for whatever it's worth? Your marriage is based on an outdated self-conception. In your marriage you are half-frozen as a wounded 19-year-old, which was probably comfortable for a bit, what you needed, if also an unhealthy framework for partnership. Now you're 30, you've grown, no longer want to be viewed as the wounded child, feel a bit imprisoned by that identity, but that's challenging with your husband—the gentle nurturer, both by nature and alongside you. He's grown into a shape that best comforts a shape you've grown out of, at least in your own conception of things.

 

This dude, the flirting? It's lame, yes, but it's just a symptom of (a) all of the above and (b) you not dealing with that in a mature manner. That's the big snag. You like it because you feel, at last, like a strong woman of respect, but that feeling is being delivered by adolescent-like behavior. Same coin, new side.

 

Time, now, to be the grown up you are and deal with all this like a grown up. That means getting real about your marriage, actively, rather than passively seeking solace. "Getting real" might eventually mean your marriage doesn't last, but better to get to that hard place though mature steps than immature ones. Give some marital counseling a go to see if you and your husband and reconnect with each other as the people you are today, rather than who you were at 19. You may find it to be rewarding and invigorating, together, which will be much more rewarding and invigorating than the sideways version.

 

Well said blue

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  • 1 month later...

So much judgmental replies when the thing you wanted was not to judged. Emotional affair? Yeah, there are always going to be those who punish you for being human. How in the world are we supposed to relinquish all thoughts and feelings from our minds just because we found someone to spend our lives with? Feelings are always going to be with us. Acting on our feelings in ways that seem naughty or wrong will always be fodder for simple people to hold power over others. You love your husband and he no-doubt loves you? Yes? So live the life that keeps you sane, keeps you going in the world you both have created. After so many years you are naturally bound to feel some things differently than you did when it was brand new. So what? Life is full of ups and downs that keep us wondering. Feeling guilty about the things that happened is also natural. The only person capable of judging you is you. If I had to say anything negative about your situation, I would say that telling your husband was the part of this problem that maybe you could have just kept it to yourself. Some things are meant to be taken to the grave. Being human also means that we don’t all take the news of our partner’s thoughts and feelings towards life the same. I have been where you are and I am forever grateful for the experience. You can like and or love more than just one single person at any one time thank god[emoji257]

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