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Thread: I did something and Iím not sure how to process it

  1. #1

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    I did something and Iím not sure how to process it

    Before anyone even reads this Iím going to start off by saying I donít want any judgement because I know some of the things Iíve done are wrong. I know my actions have hurt people and I know the consequences of my actions. This doesnít change the way I feel about the situation and certain people in it.

    Iíll start with some back story on my relationship with my husband. Heís a good guy. Heís always been patient with me and the issues I had in the beginning of our relationship. I wrote about some of that in an earlier post. Our whole relationship has been overall good other than some stuff to do with intimacy (from the other post). He likes to take care of me and he does literally everything for me without me asking to the point that I almost feel like a child in my own home. If I get up and start to wash the dishes or even cook he tries to stop me and tells me he will take care of it. I know this isnít a bad thing. Who wouldnít want someone to do everything for them and never complain about it? Itís just something Iíve gotten used to over the last 11 years but in a way it makes me feel useless in my own home.

    My job is very demanding and I have worked my butt off to get where I am with my company. I take a lot of pride in my work. It makes me feel good to see how far I can push myself in my position. In March the owner of the company hired his nephew. Instead of starting out on the lower end of things he was bumped up to a position where Iím in charge of him. Heís the complete opposite of the type of people that work here. Heís always had a job doing physical labor and has never really worked in a professional setting. He worked beside me through a particularly rough day when he started and after watching me handle things at the end of the day I can remember him telling me he always thought the work his uncles company did was easy because itís not physically demanding but at that moment he respected the h*** out of me. Something about hearing him say that just did something to me I canít explain.

    (Iíll continue this later. I donít have time to finish typing it for now so itís to be continued...)

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What happens next is this young new attentive guy in contrast to your husband is something you're considering. Bad marriage/sex + new/attentive coworker often = trouble/affairs.
    Originally Posted by Nikki89
    I met my husband when I was 19. Iíll be 30 in a couple of months so we have been together nearly 11 years and married almost 9. Our sex life is seriously so boring and so predictable. Iíve tried so hard to change it but I honestly just end up watching porn and playing with myself every chance that I get just to relieve some of the sexual frustration.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP I hope you aren't going to say you cheated with this guy... based on your last post and how you set this one up I am afraid I might be wrong :(

    Did you get therapy and/or do couples therapy as was suggested in your previous thread? What have you done to change the dynamic of your marriage and make it better?

  4. #4

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    I donít have time to finish the whole post right now but I do want to make it clear that I did not cheat! Thatís not saying I wasnít tempted. Iíd be lying if I said I wasnít but I have more respect for myself than that. With that being said Iím also admitting that Iím not proud of how the situation was handled either.

    Without going into detail there was a lot of flirting and suggestive conversation. We never talked outside of work so it was something that happened only while we were around each other at work and nothing was ever acted on. He is also a married man. He recently found out his wife is pregnant. The flirting didnít stop after that. I think I let it go on for so long because he made me feel amazing. Iím not gonna lie. I started to seriously question my relationship with my husband.

    So the thing I did that Iím not sure how to process is I eventually felt guilty and I told my husband what had been happening and why. Of course he was hurt but he said he wanted to work through it. He also knew the guy ( which I didnít know). Then he let it slip to some mutual friends of theirs while asking for advice and now the guys pregnant wife knows about the the situation. So like I said people were hurt and I feel like itís all my fault.
    Last edited by Nikki89; 11-06-2019 at 01:47 PM. Reason: Grammar

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nikki89
    I donít have time to finish the whole post right now but I do want to make it clear that I did not cheat! Thatís not saying I wasnít tempted. Iíd be lying if I said I wasnít but I have more respect for myself than that. With that being said Iím also admitting that Iím not proud of how the situation was handled either.

    Without going into detail there was a lot of flirting and suggestive conversation. We never talked outside of work so it was something that happened only while we were around each other at work and nothing was ever acted on. He is also a married man. He recently found out his wife is pregnant. The flirting didnít stop after that. I think I let it go on for so long because he made me feel amazing. Iím not gonna lie. I started to seriously question my relationship with my husband.

    So the thing I did that Iím not sure how to process is I eventually felt guilty and I told my husband what had been happening and why. Of course he was hurt but he said he wanted to work through it. He also knew the guy ( which I didnít know). Then he let it slip to some mutual friends of theirs while asking for advice and now the guys pregnant wife knows about the the situation. So like I said people were hurt and I feel like itís all my fault.
    Well, it is cheating to be involved emotionally with someone. Itís called an emotional affair.

    Itís both of your faults.

  7. #6
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    You decided to unburden your guilt by telling your husband - which of course upset him - it would upset anyone even if you technically didn't commit adultery.

    How to "process" it - kind of a fancy term -it's far more simple than that. No need to "process" - you can do that later when you have time after you take care of what's really important -your follow up actions. Action one - tell your husband you are sorry you did it, sorry you burdened him with that out of self-absorption/selfishness, and explain to him what you plan to do to insure this never happens again. Maybe that's about counseling, maybe it's about doing something to improve yourself - so that through personal growth your actions will reflect caring and thoughtfulness and kindness - whatever it is be ready to tell him. Then ask him "how can I help" (make up for what you did).

  8. #7

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    Not trying to defend my actions in any way but I¬íd hardly call it an ¬ďemotional affair¬Ē. We literally never talked outside of work and in no way had a relationship other than the flirting and suggestive conversation while at work. But hearing things like he respected me and just the way he made me feel like I was appreciated made me doubt my relationship with my husband because as I mentioned before he kind of babies me. I don¬ít feel like he respects me for what I do at work because he doesn¬ít know what I deal with on a daily basis. I know that he hears me talk about how demanding it can be but he¬ís not there to see me in action and I really do take a lot of pride in my work. It was just nice to see that appreciated.

    There was a lot that led up to the flirting too. It didn’t just happen from the beginning but I just kind of skipped over all that because I was short on time to type it all and just wanted to make it clear I did not have sex with him.

    It got to the point that I felt like it was going to lead to sex if I didn’t stop it and that’s when I came clean. I didn’t do it to hurt my husband in any way. I just wanted him to know why I let it go as far as it did and that’s simply because he didn’t treat me like I was someone that needed taken care of. I explained to him that I appreciate everything he does for me but sometimes it makes me feel useless.

    Then the whole thing was blown up into something much bigger than it should have been which got his pregnant wife involved. I honestly don’t think either of us would have willingly cheated on our spouses because just from earlier conversations neither of us are that type of person but we were just drawn to each other in a way because we both had issues at home and flirting at work was just a kind of escape from that for 10 hours a day.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nikki89
    I started to seriously question my relationship with my husband.
    This isn't quite true, is it? I'm just going from your last post, but it sounds like you've spent a lot of your marriage questioning your relationshipóalong with yourself.

    My read, for whatever it's worth? Your marriage is based on an outdated self-conception. In your marriage you are half-frozen as a wounded 19-year-old, which was probably comfortable for a bit, what you needed, if also an unhealthy framework for partnership. Now you're 30, you've grown, no longer want to be viewed as the wounded child, feel a bit imprisoned by that identity, but that's challenging with your husbandóthe gentle nurturer, both by nature and alongside you. He's grown into a shape that best comforts a shape you've grown out of, at least in your own conception of things.

    This dude, the flirting? It's lame, yes, but it's just a symptom of (a) all of the above and (b) you not dealing with that in a mature manner. That's the big snag. You like it because you feel, at last, like a strong woman of respect, but that feeling is being delivered by adolescent-like behavior. Same coin, new side.

    Time, now, to be the grown up you are and deal with all this like a grown up. That means getting real about your marriage, actively, rather than passively seeking solace. "Getting real" might eventually mean your marriage doesn't last, but better to get to that hard place though mature steps than immature ones. Give some marital counseling a go to see if you and your husband and reconnect with each other as the people you are today, rather than who you were at 19. You may find it to be rewarding and invigorating, together, which will be much more rewarding and invigorating than the sideways version.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP whatever you decide to call it doesnít change the impact it had on the people in your life.

    Itís not being blown out of proportion by others... they are simply reflecting yours (and his) behaviour back to you and you are seeing it from someone elseís point of view which is just as valid as yours.

    Itís up to you what you decide to do with all of this information... processing involves looking within your heart and owning what you did and the reasons you did it so that you can let go and move forward.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Getting to the point where youíre question your relationship with your husband and considering sex means you established emotional intimacy.

    Intimacy.

    Saying again for emphasis: intimacy.

    It was an affair.

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