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Thread: HECK of a saga, and im feeling more and more ready pull the trigger on divorce..

  1. #1
    Bronze Member a_lifters_life's Avatar
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    HECK of a saga, and im feeling more and more ready pull the trigger on divorce..

    Many of your already know my story, but for those unfamiliar here is a quick run down: my wife of (~3 years) and together for ~13 years. We now have a 6 month old child we'll refer to as T going forward.

    I have many posts from around when we got married ~3 years ago - with me in a very conflicted state : sort of like how I am now (just now in much more worse).

    Anywho, my wife and I were finally able to conceive T ~6 months ago. It was a really tough situation for us - we tried naturally for 2 years without any success, so we went the iui route.

    We now have a 6 month old - who is the joy of our worlds.

    Anywho ever since my wife gave birth to T - she has completely sidelined me, ran away a lot of the summer (shes a teacher - with 3 months off), and has completely disregarded us or our marriage.

    I mean T is an awesome addition to our lives, he really is awesome!!!!

    My wife has constantly put me down over the past 6 months - innocuous, very knit picky things: oh T's diaper is low (early on in his life) , etc. Not just that, but she has constantly sided with her family on everything.

    Prior to T - we had a lot of fun together - going to places, going out to eat, and just enjoying each other.

    Nowadays (the past 6 months) : she wont let my parents watch T ever - they've seen him for 1-3 hours literally a half dozen times over the past 6 months - so we dont get a chance to ever redevelop that chemistry with each other.

    She is downright NEUROTIC about anything and everything with T and puts me, and my family down constantly - but sees no problem with herself or her family: they do everything perfect and know everything about babies (supposedly ? lol) - the truth: this isnt true.

    I personally feel like I've hit my limit with her, and having T be around us under the same roof is only detrimental to his development - when she snarks about innocuous things going on or so she perceives that.

    What types of things should a guy in a situation like I'm in do?

    I've began to pull away from her - all communication with her is brief.

    We currently cook separate dinners, but eat at the same kitchen table, and for the past 4 weeks especially sit there and eat, but not a single word is mentioned (this is all after T is sleeping)
    Occasionally have spats at night about things dealing with T, or her family, or my family.
    We probably havent had sex in...... 2 years?
    We dont kiss ever
    We rarely hug
    She never appreciates what I do for her, or T.
    She treats me like a constant doormat - ESPECIALLY the past 6 months. I cant do anything right, no matter how hard I try.
    Her family completely disrespected me 10 days into being a father with totally outright and ridiculous comments. This resulted in me kicking them out of my house. This appears to be a kindling to fueling A LOT of current problems we're having. I apologized for maybe going a bit overboard with my anger towards them, to which they never responded to it (sent a text). What makes matters worse is - my wife backs them to no end, and YOU guessed it sees no fault with what they tried to pull on me, in my house house, 10 days into being a father. In fact she sees them as 'justified' in what they did.

    We've gone to some couples counseling for like a month now, and seperate individual counseling for ~2 months.

    So far we havent fixed anything in my opinion, despite bringing up these concerns (and many others) - nothing ever changes .

    Bottom line: I think I stayed SO long with her because we had a great relationship, until T, and she went off the deep end with being neurotic to me, overly obsessive over _every_ single thing dealing with T, and backing her parents even if they try to put down me, my character, while being only 10 days into being a brand new father. I feel like there hasnt been anything between us for ~2 years: especially physical. The past 6 months there has been nothing physical, or mental between us. There's nothing left.

    Sorry for the long, and less organized post. I just had to get a bunch off my chest, and wanted to hear your opinions of this all, and your own experiences in divorce.

    Thanks
    Last edited by a_lifters_life; Yesterday at 09:40 PM.

  2. #2
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    Congrats on the baby!

    OP, you have been having issues with this woman for years, not just 6. months. The family has always been an issue, and your partner has not supported you. Nothing will change. The counselling is not helping and and she is worse. Don't you think it is time to seek out a divorce attorney?

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    My wife has constantly put me down over the past 6 months - innocuous, very knit picky things: oh T's diaper is low (early on in his life) , etc. Not just that, but she has constantly sided with her family on everything.

    That's a fact, not a dig. I said "his diaper looks low" about my nephew my thought is that he has a full diaper, not that its a reflection on anyone else. By your past threads, its not just her - you are very combative about everything and even was upset she accepted baby clothes from a coworker. You flipped out about it. I suggest you go to personal counseling if you are only going to couples counseling. You need to coparent with her if you leave her, or maybe you can even work things out, but not with a chip on your shoulder. Dude, if your relationship was fine until the baby came - you have a new baby - grow up and don't walk out on him. Try to not take every little comment as a slight to your ego.

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    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Change is hard and bringing a life into the world is as transformative as it gets. The relationship between my children’s mother and I was stressed and fragile for the first couple years of both my kid’s lives...

    Kudos for giving counseling a try but perhaps you’re ready to bail out on it prematurely? You mentioned some fairly complex and deep seated issues in your post...the process to uncover and apply the antidotes to the root causes of those issues is likely going to take longer than a month.

    Bro, I can absolutely see that you feel like you’re at your wits end and I understand. That said, my opinion is not a popular one in general or on this site: I hope you leave no stone unturned and dig deep to see what you can do to save your marriage. If after all is said and done at least you either:

    *leave with minimal second guessing and regret, OR
    *possibly reconnect with a woman you love (even if it’s hard to see right now) on a level you never knew possible

    Sounds like a rough patch for sure but there’s at least one internet stranger rooting for you, your wife and “T.” Much love and best wishes.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Help out more with your child, household stuff, etc and she'll have more time for you. It's fine she has support from her own family. It's the first child so there's a learning curve for everyone.
    Originally Posted by a_lifters_life
    My wife has constantly put me down over the past 6 months - innocuous, very knit picky things: oh T's diaper is low (early on in his life) , etc. Not just that, but she has constantly sided with her family on everything.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like she is falling out of love with you, her love level must be very low. And we all know what happens when it hits rock bottom - it's divorce time. Wives file first for divorce twice as often as husbands.

    Find a counselor who knows how to bring her love level back up. Get second opinions. Make sure you are giving her affection, respect, romance, and trust, like you did in the beginning. Get a babysitter and go out on a date once in awhile. Do it quickly before it's too late.

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    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Things are not fixed because you two are not communicating, someone isn't forthcoming with their issues, and having a baby is life changing. There are some people who regret it, even tho they love the child. They are looking at it as, I can't handle this for the next 18 years! Sounds to me she needs to sort this out more than you do, just she's not cooperating like she should. Why? probably worried about being abandoned raising a kid on her own, but on the other hand wants to leave this situation. She's feeling very stuck. IMO if the counseling isn't helping, find different counselors. Maybe she needs a psychiatrist instead. Maybe the root of this is mental health issues, and not simple marital issues. Some women experience depression after having a child. It's something to look into.

  9. #8
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Maybe she has PPD? ( postpartum depression)? I remember she had latch issues as well. But you being aggressive with her family needs to go.

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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Maybe she has PPD? ( postpartum depression)? I remember she had latch issues as well. But you being aggressive with her family needs to go.
    That is just what I was wondering. And sleep deprivation can do crazy things if the baby is still waking up at night.

    Did anything in particular happen with her parents and how they treat her, the baby and show respect to her way of doing things with your child? I tolerated my inlaws seeing the baby because I knew it was best and also -wow -did they love him to pieces and he loved them too -but there were certain things they did (well really just my FIL) that drove me crazy and made me want to limit time/environment. Things that were unclean, unsafe, disrespectful to my wishes. It was really really stressful and my husband didn't always back me up. Do you back her up? Or at least address things privately?

  11. #10
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    It is just sad to bring a child into the world to get divorced in 6 months because people can’t learn to stuff their pride and learn to communicate and be civil to each other’s parents.

    It is hard to have a child. Your life is never the same but if this is what you wanted you need to get over the extensive “me” and “ us” time . That shizle is over for a while. I am not saying it needs ALL to be over but you are parents now so it is not just about you and your needs anymore.

    Y’all need to learn to communicate and be kind to one another .

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