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daphnedenis

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So I wrote previously about a guy that I am dating. We slept together fairly quickly and have had a great time. He told me that he went through a messy break up and doesn’t know what he wants. I also am

In a similar situation. I told him I don’t want to be FWB and he told me that that’s cool and we won’t do that. Last time we went out we had a lovely time and felt a lot more

Intimate than the times before.

 

I didn’t text him at all after as In the beginning I was texting first after each time we met up until he took the reigns and started texting me.

 

Prior to this he told me he couldn’t see me but since reached out and we went out at the weekend.

 

Since then he has texted me first every day and I feel like it’s an excuse to talk with me. He’s been asking more personal

Questions than before yet I am still playing it cool as to not get hurt in case he doesn’t want to take things further. I did also forget something at his that I told him didn’t matter. But he was adamant to find it and return it to me. Although I insisted it didn’t matter.

 

Although we have slept together, how can I should that I am interested in something more, yet that I want to take it slow? I think we are both a bit scared given our precious relationship history and are both a little scared to get too serious with each other. I could be wrong but I need some advice as to what to do.

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What would happen if you didn’t do anything except be open and vulnerable as the thing unfolds? It sounds like what you want is already organically happening to me.

 

Anytime you need to make a decision about what to do in this new relationship, focus and come from a place of confidence and honesty and see what happens!

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Although we have slept together, how can I should that I am interested in something more, yet that I want to take it slow?

 

The simplest way is to say exactly that, while explaining, from a place of confidence, what you need to feel comfortable in taking it slow without feeling as if it's all vague. Perhaps take a minute to figure out what that is—using this thread, if need be, to get some clarity before speaking to him. Like, why don't you try to tell us what that you'd like to say to him? Maybe that would help.

 

Once you express that, he'll respond how he responds, in a way that makes you comfortable to keep exploring things, or not. Both are wins, because they are truths coming in the wake of honest communication rather than quiet assumptions, reading between the lines of texts and social media. The key is being honest with yourself about how you feel and what you want, which I think you struggle with. If you're both afraid to get close and afraid of losing him—well, that just keeps you frozen in this place that isn't very comfortable as it is.

 

What's tough, at the moment, is that you're kind of playing games without meaning to—pretending to be "cooler" than you are while, inside, you'e boiling a bit, and so even the most basic exchanges with him ("What's up?" "I'll bring you your shirt on Friday.") become tests that corrode the connection. You doubt his sincerity in texting you, in asking personal questions, and I'd say that's largely because you yourself are being insincere with him, playing a kind of role that masks who you really are, what you really want.

 

Think about that for a moment. Yeah, being the "cool girl" has gotten you some attention and sizzle from a "cool guy," who you hang with, text with, are interested in, and yet it's all triggering more insecurity and anxiety than joy, calm, and curiosity—the real ingredients for expanding connections. Wherever this goes, there's a good lesson there. If the price of romance, be it casual or serious, is not being your authentic self, is romance, in any form, really worth it? The exciting part should not be feeling as if you're about to get hurt or that you have to hide yourself to keep someone attracted to you.

 

I can understand, of course, why you'd be nervous right now. This guy, not long ago, made it very clear he's not interested in a deep connection. And probably part of you wonders if he'd be hanging with you at all had you not reached out after some IG action. So it goes. You just have to own all that—a little mess, but romance is sometimes a little messy—because all that is how you got to this place. Is there a chance his feelings have shifted? Sure. But what's most important is that you own how you feel, and find confidence in that rather than trying to play chess to get him to feel certain feelings. He will feel whatever he feels. His job on the planet is not to want what you want, but to just be himself, as yours is to be yourself.

 

This is real vulnerability, rather than cultivating a version of vulnerability through being intimate (physically, emotionally) inside a system that makes you feel at risk of pain. The potential for pain—for being hurt by "serious" feelings—is always there in romance, in relationships. You can't build a connection from being afraid of that pain, but being open to the risk, so if he's too scared and you're too scared—well, that's just bad timing, a bad match, because the point of all this isn't to find someone who will "never" hurt you but to find someone who you're willing to risk some pain in exchange for getting close to, and who feels the same about you.

 

Make sense?

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Play it by ear since you both don't know what you want but there is attraction and you're having a good time. Stop playing games. Preemptive strikes never work. Be yourself not the 'cool girl' who then gets hurt and wonders why. The best way not to get hurt is to simply not over-invest emotionally as much as you already are.

 

We slept together fairly quickly and have had a great time. He told me that he went through a messy break up and doesn’t know what he wants.

 

Prior to this he told me he couldn’t see me but since reached out and we went out at the weekend.

 

I am still playing it cool as to not get hurt in case he doesn’t want to take things further.

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I want to tell him that I was looking for something casual until I met him. That I slept with him because I thought it would be casual but within that I’ve discovered we are on the same page about a lot of things and that I do like him more each time I see him. I also want him to know that I am scared of committing or labelling so soon but I only want to date him and I would like that to me a mutual thing to see how it goes

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Why not simply have the exclusive talk? All this heavy relationship talk is over the top and premature. He's not your therapist. Do not inflict past issues into this. He's basically a stranger who already told you he doesn't want much. Tell all these inner conflicts to a therapist and don't date "casually" if you can't handle it.

I want to tell him that I was looking for something casual until I met him. That I slept with him because I thought it would be casual but within that I’ve discovered we are on the same page about a lot of things and that I do like him more each time I see him.
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Honestly, I'd find someone else to start fresh with once you're ready to date (seems kinda obvious you aren't right now). There's nothing wrong with taking things slow. Making the suggestion after having sex often results in a convoluted mess, though. Imagine being Devin Hester scoring a touchdown on a 107 yard return only to be told by the coach afterward to not score so quickly next time. Over simplified, but navigating the boundaries will likely be frustrating for him and you probably will get tired of establishing and asserting yours while he's too reserved / concerned to explore as you'd like him to.

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He told me that he went through a messy break up and doesn’t know what he wants.

 

Bet he didn't tell you that before you had sex. When a guy starts saying these sorts of things to you, LISTEN. He's holding up a big sign saying that: Now that I've gotten what I want, sex, I'm not feeling it to want want to put in the normal efforts it takes to build a beautiful relationship. I better tell her what not to expect.

 

He reaches out when nothing more interesting has popped up for the day, but when it does happen, believe me, you'll be placed on the back burner.

 

IMO, people who are scared and can't date at a normal pace are not in the right headspace to date.

 

How would a person in the right mindset think? Every try at romance is a leap of faith. When you're dating, you see over time if you're compatible in all the major ways or not. You are able to spot and walk away from dealbreakers/red flags. If he's not who you want in a relationship, you walk away as soon as you see the dealbreaker. If he matches you, you hope for the best and give it your all. If it doesn't work out, you will survive, mourn, heal, and move on.

 

I, myself, would never date some quivering violet, putting up barriers, putting pressure on me that if things didn't work out, the dumpee would crumble into a million pieces. A person like that attracts users, bullies, and manipulators.

 

Be alone until you can be stronger than you are now. Don't have sex until you've seen a man putting in the effort to really get to know you, because obviously you want longterm, not short-term, and make sure his dating goals are the same as yours.

 

It shouldn't be a goal to avoid getting hurt, because it's a part of life nobody can avoid. The trick is to date people who are showing you they have the ability to be great partners, and that's all the control you have. Hold out for a guy who is clear he's into you and wants you all to himself. The guy you've been having sex with and trying to find crumbs in his texts and measly actions to show you he cares is extreme wishful thinking on your part. You're worthy of so much more.

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I want to tell him that I was looking for something casual until I met him. That I slept with him because I thought it would be casual but within that I’ve discovered we are on the same page about a lot of things and that I do like him more each time I see him. I also want him to know that I am scared of committing or labelling so soon but I only want to date him and I would like that to me a mutual thing to see how it goes

 

This is a bit scattershot, or at least very fear-based. Let's try to cut fear out of it, to make it something like: "I was looking for something casual when I met you, but have realized I want something more substantial. I like you, and am excited about the potential here. While I'm not in a rush for big labels, I don't want to explore romance with anyone else and in order to continue seeing where this goes I need us to be on the same page. How do you feel about that?"

 

Then you listen: to what he says, to how you feel after he says what he says.

 

If something like that scares you, either because you're scared of what he'll say or scared of actually seeing where it goes—well, then I'd really consider that the reality here is that you aren't quite ready to date, as j.man observed. You can't quite be both "scared of committing" and also "curious to see where this goes"—or, well, you can, but that's not the foundation of any kind of intentional connection with another person. So if that's the truth there's not really a conversation to be had. You go with it, letting it unfold.

 

I personally hate the phrase "take it slow." I think it's something people say when they're scared, and if you're so scared of human connection what's the point of trying to connect? That doesn't mean the alternative is tearing clothes off and going ring shopping in 30 days, but just, you know, being genuinely open to what might come—which means being open to the potential of hurt.

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So I wrote previously about a guy that I am dating. We slept together fairly quickly and have had a great time. He told me that he went through a messy break up and doesn’t know what he wants. I also am

In a similar situation. I told him I don’t want to be FWB and he told me that that’s cool and we won’t do that. Last time we went out we had a lovely time and felt a lot more

Intimate than the times before.

 

I didn’t text him at all after as In the beginning I was texting first after each time we met up until he took the reigns and started texting me.

 

Prior to this he told me he couldn’t see me but since reached out and we went out at the weekend.

 

Since then he has texted me first every day and I feel like it’s an excuse to talk with me. He’s been asking more personal

Questions than before yet I am still playing it cool as to not get hurt in case he doesn’t want to take things further. I did also forget something at his that I told him didn’t matter. But he was adamant to find it and return it to me. Although I insisted it didn’t matter.

 

Although we have slept together, how can I should that I am interested in something more, yet that I want to take it slow? I think we are both a bit scared given our precious relationship history and are both a little scared to get too serious with each other. I could be wrong but I need some advice as to what to do.

 

I would ask him what what he thinks of the relationship or your situation and open it up that way. You seem cautious and I'm picking up that being cautious considering the background is a good idea. When someone prefaces any interactions in the dating scene with "[don't] know what want" it's a fairly big red flag and you should expect the bare minimum or not very much at all despite any type of fun or flirty banter or vibe you're getting from the other person. Don't set yourself up with false expectations.

 

There'll be a high likelihood that he still doesn't know what he wants. Are you prepared for that same answer?

 

Before I met my husband I was dating someone else. He was everything I was looking for in a long term partner - intelligent, loving, kind, warm, affectionate, level-headed and the sex was out of this world. You could put a match between us and it'd light without it being struck. When we met it was always earthy, organic, very loving and spontaneous. Mentally, emotionally, intellectually we were aligned and feelings were electric. There was also a very deep kindness and affection for each other. We discovered a lot of things together. Unfortunately he was having a difficult time in other areas and I sensed that even though he couldn't fully put it into words, he couldn't break through or come through 100% as a committed partner. There was a part of him that was hurt or damaged from the recent past and he was not ready to move on. He wanted to continue seeing me but I went on to meet other people. Whether or not things might have changed, I'm not certain later on down the line. All I knew is that this wasn't it for me. When I met my husband I had to tell him and that we would not meet anymore. He was very understanding and gracious and wished us the best.

 

Don't be afraid to tell the difference between what is (the situation before you) and what you want. Those may be different things at any given time. In my case, we had brief conversations about things but it was lighthearted and there was never any prolonged discussion or repeated discussions about what one or the other was not capable of. Most of it was unspoken and I think that's because we understood each other so well. Go out, meet new people and don't hold yourself back if this isn't right for you in the long run.

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