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Thread: My baby sister just came out to me

  1. #1
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    My baby sister just came out to me

    Well technically, it's been a few days.

    My sister and I are very close, and despite the big age gap (she recently turned 14) we've always gotten along. Needless to say, I absolutely adore her and had never thought or suspected this so it was very unexpected.

    A few days ago she sent me a text message with a link to a word document and told me to watch a vid- volume turned low and alone. Which I did so, the very next day.
    She tells me she thinks she's gay, that she might be bi, has found some guys attractive, but has never had a crush on a guy. Also, that due to lack of interaction with guys and going to a girls school all her life, it was hard to say. Apparently all her close friends know and that she was done putting it off so she's decided to tell me. She says she's been thinking about this for nearly 3 years, and that she really didn't know how I'd react, that she always felt paranoid when I had her phone and had to mute group chats fearing I'd find out. She tells me she hopes I'd understand, that I wouldn't just dismiss this and to never tell our parents.

    I cried reading the message. I had no idea and was emotional that she felt hesitant to tell me. I told her it's okay, that all preteens and teens were confused. I had crushes on girls too and had kissed girls out of curiosity when I was younger. That it doesn't matter either way, because she was my sister and I loved her. It doesn't change anything and that I was so touched she felt she could tell me and that I was on her side no matter what. I got very choked up thinking that she felt the need to almost beg for my support, that when she said it was hard for her, it really must be because our parents are very homophobic. I definitely will not be saying anything to them.

    I haven't acted differently and our interactions have been the same as usual, but I wanted to know since she doesn't want to talk about this in person and just through texts, should I ever bring it up? I really don't care what she is, it was just extremely unexpected that's all.

    My parents are unfortunately homophobic and very conservative, and I really don't know how they'd react when she does ultimately tell them. She has always been a major overachiever and has made my parents very proud through the years. However, my parents have never been very supportive or understanding in general. They have a tendency to guilt trip, be somewhat emotionally abusive and I am dreading what my parents would think. I pray that my dad doesn't end up reacting in a toxic or temperamental way (as he does on a daily basis) saying things he can't take back.

    Any experiences with close family member or siblings coming out? Any advice would be highly appreciated.

  2. #2
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    Honestly, i would thank her for confiding in you but i would take a wait and see attitude. At that age, I wasn't really having crushes on guys. Actually, guys had cooties pretty much up until a year before that. There is so much pressure these days to 'have attraction' and for 12-14 year olds to "date", etc, that it could be that she is mistaking her lack of interest for meaning she isn't straight. i thought "maybe i am asexual?" at 16 because i didn't have a boyfriend, wasn't interested in dating but the truth is that i just wasn't interested til later. yes, i got along better and was more comfortable with girls. Because i was one. And it didn't mean i was gay or straight. There was a lot of pressure "okay, what guy do you like?" and when i said "nobody" it was "oh, then you are gay, then?"

    So i would not project to what your parents think. Unless she felt she was in love with a specific girl, it could be that she isn't gay at all in the end - she just is a regular kid who doesn't have boys on her radar yet. Or she could be gay.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Sexuality can be confusing. As long as she is loved and accepted( as you have) that is what matters. She doesnít ever have to tell your parents. It isnít their business.

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    She is lucky to have you! You handled it very well. Just give it time and let her come to you.

    My brother came out to me when he was 28. i wish he had felt comfortable to do it sooner.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I wouldn't treat her any differently except to introduce her to other areas outside of this topic. Let her come to you if she needs anything or a listening ear.

    Don't coddle her either or try to get more info out of her. Her sexuality is just one aspect of her identity. What I'd do is encourage her to explore all facets of her identity without overemphasizing any one area. It's too imbalanced. She should be focusing on her studies also and intellectually connecting on different levels, socially able to be comfortable around different groups of people.

    If she has trouble interacting or getting to know a more mixed group (in terms of gender), invite her out to hang out with your friends. Take her with you as your plus one to work functions and industry events, festivals, shows and other types of experiences. She should be cultivating herself in different areas. Encourage her to be self-sufficient and resilient, open and very aware. She'll be better able to put her sexuality into perspective when she has a broader view. She'll practice it eventually and everything she thinks about or thinks of herself will also focus in perspective or as part of a bigger whole. This isn't the be all and end all. There's a lot more to her than this.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Just let her know that you support her and that she can talk about things if she ever wants to. But don't force talks (obviously).

    Just her knowing that you accept and love her, is enough.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I think it's just more acceptable for teenagers, who are at that target age for discovering their sexuality to be more fluid with their choices.

    Having said that, if you think your parents would give her a difficult time, if it were my sister I'd advise her to hold off for a bit sharing this news with them.

    She's very young. It' remains to be seen where she'll eventually end up.

    In the meantime you can continue to be there for her and support her in her journey.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Any experiences with close family member or siblings coming out? Any advice would be highly appreciated.
    You have shown her unconditional love and support... this is a beautiful thing... continue to do this as she will probably struggle with being able to talk about it until she becomes more confident and aware of who she is. Being a non judgmental sounding board and helping her process her feelings whatever they are is the best thing you can do.

    As for your parents... nothing needs to happen right now... she will know when (or if) the time is right for her to say something.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's excellent she has a trusted understanding adult she can confide in, in you. Given the parents mindset, she may want to let them know when she's away at college, over 18 or no longer lives with or depends on them. Both she and they can handle it better then. Most young people don't discuss their sex lives with parents, so it won't seem odd. Right now she's exploring, questioning and developing her sexuality.
    Originally Posted by Honeycomb8
    She tells me she thinks she's gay, that she might be bi. My parents are unfortunately homophobic and very conservative, and I really don't know how they'd react when she does ultimately tell them.


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