Is she self-centered? Am I being unreasonable?

[MirrorKnight]

Context

I mentioned Cathy in the very first post I made here whilst agonizing over whether or not to break up with my ex. We met in June, kind of hit if off, but I kept my distance and backed away since I was not single, albeit not happy in that relationship.

Since that break up (in Sep) I have met her a few times, mostly casually (walks, dinners), twice on more official dates (short trips on the weekend) more recently. Last weekend, she asked me to delete a dating app that I had on my phone that I did not realize was a dating app lol (it's an Asian thing) and she said that she has done likewise... so I guess we are in the early phase of an exclusive relationship? (I do not date more than one girl at a time anyway, so it does not change much from my perspective.)

The Issues

1. Punctuality
   
   She has seriously annoyed me twice since we started dating, both times relating to punctuality. On the first occasion, she agreed to meet me after work for dinner, but ended up being an hour late for no good reason (lost track of time and took longer than she expected to get ready). On the second occasion, last night, we had arranged to video call at a given time, she was again an hour late and said she got held up by her cousin who wanted to speak to her about some problems at home. (She lives with him and his family).
   
   On both occasions, I let her know in no uncertain terms that I was annoyed and that it was unacceptable to me. She apologized on both occasions, though she did show a little attitude to begin with last night because she was already in a bad mood before I had a go at her.
   
   I am a very punctual person. I feel that if you do not respect my time, you do not respect me. I want to have an equal relationship with my partner, so as important as that person will be in my life, I will not allow my life to revolve around them and their whims. So, the reason I have been so triggered by Cathy's lack of punctuality, is that I interpret it as selfishness, or at least being self-centered.
   
   I picture her going about her day with no consideration for my plans, just drifting along, and "oops I am late for my date!" Getting distracted by her cousin and not thinking to drop me a quick message to say something like, "sorry my cousin wants to talk to me about something, let's talk tomorrow"... it comes across self-absorbed and self-centered. Am I wrong?
   
2. Expression
   
   Not sure how to describe this. I will use examples. I say "goodnight" and "good morning" on most days to her, she does reciprocate, but does not initiate. She will tell me about her day and issues, like this morning "I am so tired"... but rarely asks about how I am doing.
   
   I know different people have different messaging habits and she is affectionate in person. She has also mentioned that she is not very good at expressing herself, something she blames on a somewhat strict upbringing. But I cannot help but feel that it is another amber warning for a self-centered personality.
   
3. The Train Seat
   
   This is a minor issue I barely feel like mentioning, but it did bother me a little. On one of our weekend trips, we booked train tickets a bit late and could not book seats next to each other.
   
   On the way back (after a nice weekend away with no problems) the seats next to me became vacated as people got off at their station. We were 30mins away from our destination, so I messaged her to come over from her seat 3 carriages away. She said she couldn't be bothered as it was only 30mins, and later said it was because the guys next to her had fallen asleep and she did not want to disturb them to get out from her window seat. But I suspect she might have made that up after noticing my annoyance.
   
4. Unfair Comparisons?
   
   I cannot help but compare Cathy with Jane (my ex), who was very selfless, considerate, expressive and affectionate in comparison. It feels wrong to compare and hold Cathy up to Jane's standards when Jane's virtues came with baggage that I also found unacceptable... Am I the problem for seeing problems in people and never being satisfied? Nobody is perfect, I know that, but how do I work out which imperfections are acceptable and which are not? Is it too soon to date again? Am I projecting my guilt about Jane onto Cathy, by being overly critical about her perceived shortcomings?
   

Thanks in advance for your time. Clearly I am no good at keeping things short and concise. lol

[Rose Mosse]

I'm not sure the chemistry is there. It seems a bit lukewarm. I would have jumped at the chance to sit next to my husband while we were dating and it would have been mutual. Sometimes when we go out and there's a booth seat in a restaurant we still sit on the same side next to each other. It seems you're still healing from your break up and Cathy might be giving you some room too, whether subconsciously or unconsciously. A lot of people might be desperate for the company after a break up but you seem very self-aware. I don't think you should make any excuses for the way you feel. The vibe might not be there. Are you ok with continuing to meet Cathy or are you leaning more towards letting this cool off and seeing other women?

[Realitynut]

Also there's a difference betweem 10 -20 min. late...vs an HOUR. That's not just running late! And to have not called is rude. I'm always late. My dad was never early. And if and when I have a party...don't want anyone early. And I've been a hairdresser all my life....and always tried to be on time...but didn't want anyone early...lol. I could handle 5 min. late. I've known 2 people that time meant nothing to them. I went to one persons house (years ago) and asked where's the clock...I wanted to know what time it was. She didn't have one! huh? (before everyone had a cell phone...or Alexa! lol) Years ago..i had a bf who lived out of town...and was always an hour late. grrr. I later found out he had a gf IN TOWN too!

If my bf said...sit by me...I would have been there in a nano second. Is she Asian? Do you think this has anything to do with her culture? My gf who was Hispanic...said one time when we were ON time for a birthday party and they were just setting up, said, "Oh Mexicans are always late"....! lol. So after that I planned on always being an hour late!
I know from being on here, that you are very self-aware and give great advice. What advice would you give yourself? Guess have a good old fashioned sit down....and see what happens!

[Hollyj]

The only thing that I would find unacceptable, would have been the lateness- I would have left. Then, she has attitude.

I would have moved up to sit with you.

The other stuff is no big deal. It kinda seems that you are looking for a reason to end things.

[Keyman]

Yes, I think there is a compatibility issue and this will continue.

1. If she is late and doesn't at least let you know, she is setting the boundaries in her favour. Training you to accept what she is prepared to give. Yes, this would suggest a self centered personality. And then to get antsy, like it's your fault pushes her into narcissm.

2. Stop messaging her in the morning and night.

3. It sounds like it's her way or no way. This falls pretty much into what I said in point 1. She would have been fine for you to move to her, but not the other way around.

4. This is generally a bad sign and it is based on your current annoyance at her and the way she does things. It doesn't sound like she is the kind to change her ways, but will push you to change yours. You can either just go with it and work around it, being trained to do things the way she prefers while she ignores your needs and desires, or you move on.

[MirrorKnight]

I'm not sure the chemistry is there. It seems a bit lukewarm. I would have jumped at the chance to sit next to my husband while we were dating and it would have been mutual. Sometimes when we go out and there's a booth seat in a restaurant we still sit on the same side next to each other. It seems you're still healing from your break up and Cathy might be giving you some room too, whether subconsciously or unconsciously. A lot of people might be desperate for the company after a break up but you seem very self-aware. I don't think you should make any excuses for the way you feel. The vibe might not be there. Are you ok with continuing to meet Cathy or are you leaning more towards letting this cool off and seeing other women?

Hmmm... I am not sure what "chemistry" is sometimes. I tend to say that I want there to be a "spark" when I meet somebody I like, an attraction that is either there or not, based on a mixture of physical and emotional factors, I guess that is what you call chemistry.

With Cathy, I do think we have chemistry. In person, she is generally affectionate and fun to be with. I must admit that I was a bit hesitant when I first met her after my breakup, and she might have picked up on it a bit and interpreted it as lukewarm interest in her... but on our first weekend trip, we went to a really busy touristy place (on a local holiday) and ended up spending a ridiculous amount of time (3hr+) waiting in a queue with literally thousands of people for an attraction that ended up being rather underwhelming. It could have been hell, it could have ruined our weekend, she could have complained and moaned about it... but that queue was actually the best part of our weekend, because we spent it holding hands, talking, cuddling etc and the time just flew by. We had our first proper kiss at a scenic spot when we finally made it to the attraction. It was getting dark, the mood felt right, it was a really great weekend. If you asked me then if there was chemistry, I would have definitely said, "yes, absolutely!".

The problem is that it is not always there. But surely that is expecting too much? When I first met Jane, I felt that spark with her too, she seemed wonderful, carefree, positive... obviously, that did not last. Also last week, I went to a dinner party (sort of) at a university friend's place, me, him and his house mates. One of his house mates was a really pretty, outgoing and single girl, I felt a spark with her too, or at least a strong attraction, but I already know that even if she were interested in me and something developed (I have no indication that she is, btw), I would find her to be too sociable and too outgoing, and will not have the energy level to match her.

My point is, I think I find fault with everybody, one way or another... which makes me think that I am the problem?

[MirrorKnight]

Also there's a difference betweem 10 -20 min. late...vs an HOUR. That's not just running late! And to have not called is rude. I'm always late. My dad was never early. And if and when I have a party...don't want anyone early. And I've been a hairdresser all my life....and always tried to be on time...but didn't want anyone early...lol. I could handle 5 min. late. I've known 2 people that time meant nothing to them. I went to one persons house (years ago) and asked where's the clock...I wanted to know what time it was. She didn't have one! huh? (before everyone had a cell phone...or Alexa! lol) Years ago..i had a bf who lived out of town...and was always an hour late. grrr. I later found out he had a gf IN TOWN too!

If my bf said...sit by me...I would have been there in a nano second. Is she Asian? Do you think this has anything to do with her culture? My gf who was Hispanic...said one time when we were ON time for a birthday party and they were just setting up, said, "Oh Mexicans are always late"....! lol. So after that I planned on always being an hour late!
I know from being on here, that you are very self-aware and give great advice. What advice would you give yourself? Guess have a good old fashioned sit down....and see what happens!

To clarify... The first occasion that she was late by an hour, she did sort of keep me posted. She lives about an hour away from me, and because I work longer hours, we arranged for her to come to me for 7pm, which means she needs to leave home by 6pm. I would stay in the office and meet her at the subway station, only 5mins from work. At 6.15pm she messaged me to say she lost track of time and would get ready to leave, so I assumed she would be out of the door soon... but no, she went for a shower, makeup and whatever else and did not leave until 7pm, hence an hour late.

Regarding last night, she has had a difficult time recently living with her cousin and his family. Her sister-in-law (?) has been passive-aggressively trying to get rid of her by making her life difficult and making snide remarks. So apparently she forgot about our arranged call because her cousin wanted to speak to her about recent issues. She has been quite emotional lately, so I do wonder if I was a bit harsh to have a go at her straight away. She was defiant, or more like emotionally checked out, to begin with, and then started crying and apologized, which made me feel a bit guilty for piling on top of her when she was already struggling with work and home life. Then again, I am not oblivious to the fact that women do use tears to manipulate men... so I don't really know what to think.

She is Chinese, from a very poor village, I admire her for how far she has come in life from such a rough beginning. But I do feel like it has possibly left some legacy issues...

[MirrorKnight]

The only thing that I would find unacceptable, would have been the lateness- I would have left. Then, she has attitude.

I would have moved up to sit with you.

The other stuff is no big deal. It kinda seems that you are looking for a reason to end things.

Sorry I think I should have been clearer with the lateness thing. I was not just waiting at a restaurant for an hour for her. I was waiting at work (so using time productively), she kept me relatively informed. I was just annoyed that she began her journey an hour late and did not seem to rush to be less late, like a quicker shower and makeup routine.

I am really not trying to look for reasons to end things. Most of the time I really enjoy her company and I am still blown away by how beautiful she is. The punctuality thing really did strike a nerve with me though.

[MirrorKnight]

Yes, I think there is a compatibility issue and this will continue.

1. If she is late and doesn't at least let you know, she is setting the boundaries in her favour. Training you to accept what she is prepared to give. Yes, this would suggest a self centered personality. And then to get antsy, like it's your fault pushes her into narcissm.

2. Stop messaging her in the morning and night.

3. It sounds like it's her way or no way. This falls pretty much into what I said in point 1. She would have been fine for you to move to her, but not the other way around.

4. This is generally a bad sign and it is based on your current annoyance at her and the way she does things. It doesn't sound like she is the kind to change her ways, but will push you to change yours. You can either just go with it and work around it, being trained to do things the way she prefers while she ignores your needs and desires, or you move on.

Sorry I should have been clearer on the "an hour late" situation. I have explain in the above the context. Unfortunately I cannot edit the original post.

When I say she gave me a little attitude last night. Basically after she was 30mins late, I messaged her...

"If you actually care about me and respect me, you need to fix this punctuality problem. Disrespecting my time means disrespecting me. If your previous BFs tolerated this and you equate never confronting you with loving you and caring for you, then you are wrong, because it means enabling a bad habit, and having no self-respect."

She rang back another 30mins later, I told her that I was angry, and her initial response was (I am translating Chinese here) something like, "I can't help that you are angry"...

Obviously I was expecting an apology and explanation, so I got even more angry and said, "nevermind, clearly you are upset tonight, so am I, I don't want to say something I might regret, so let's just leave it for tonight and talk tomorrow"

At this point she suddenly started crying and explaining what happened, and apologized in the process. We ended up speaking for 40mins, including 30mins of video chat at her request, because she said she wanted to see me.

I still have not fully processed how to interpret what happened, whether I overeacted or not. Since Jane, I've been second-guessing myself when it comes to women, and I am just not as sure as I used to be, I guess because I feel I messed up the whole Jane situation so badly.

[DancingFool]

I mean the whole point of dating is to learn whether or not you are compatible with each other, what you like and don't like about the person and whether those flaws are thing you can live with easily and happily or not.

As you said yourself, everyone comes with flaws. The question isn't about that, it's about whether you can live with those particular flaws. Relationships are a lot about "I've found a person whose flaws I can easily live with."

What you are describing here sounds like the tip of the iceberg of major incompatibilities and impending drama. For some people, lateness is nothing much, but for most, lateness is a big problem. Yes, it speaks negatively about the person who is late - boundaries, time management, lack of respect for other people's time, general or even intentional flakiness. Out of everything you've described, this one is a serious issue and it will lead to a lot of conflict. It's one of those things where it's better for you to be with someone who is equally punctual and she needs to find someone who is equally flaky or wiling to put up with her bs without being bothered by that. Again, most people will loose their mind with that kind of behavior. It makes her unreliable as a partner and who needs the stress and frustration of that.

The train seat....honestly I wouldn't think it's that big of deal. You are both adults, she was quite a few cars away, and it was barely few minutes to destination. I think this is one of those things where you have to be careful that you don't interpret things like that as rejection and an offense because there is none there really. You are kind of reaching and it's a bit self destructive.

Overall, rather than worrying about whether you compare unfairly or are too nitpicky, I think it's a bit of both. That said, figure out what kind of a woman you actually want. What traits does she have in terms of character, personality, behavior. The big stuff like whether she is warm and giving or a bit independent or self centered or whatever. What floats your boat in particular? Think also about what traits/flaws you can easily live with. Figure out what actually really matters to you and then find a woman who fits.