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Thread: Is she self-centered? Am I being unreasonable?

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    Thanks for your input.

    You make a good point. I think I do come across rather condescending sometimes. It has been an issue not only in romance, but my social life in general. I am prone to try to reason with people with logic, facts and principles, when differences occur, but it can come across preachy and pontificating. I have been told to "don't be so serious" or "lighten up" on occasion. I have heard of that book and will check it out when I have the time to do so.
    I won't argue that!
    You feel you are the only one who is logical, forthright, principled etc., and the other person is "damaged" - it comes across in this post, the posts about Jane and occasionally in advice you give others. But if you are aware, you can attempt to temper this. The thing is, on emotional matters, there are other factors aside from cold facts. There are sometimes shades of gray.

    I mean, if my guy's sister burst through the door crying and she is not a big crier, and he was late meeting me because he decided to be present and caring for her, i would think "i am glad he made sure she was okay" vs "oh he disrespected me." I might request he call me if he is going to be late, but its kinda hard to excuse yourself in those cases.

    The next day (yesterday), I asked her if maybe my outburst bothered her, she said something like, "No, I knew that I was wrong, what you said was correct, I need to get rid of bad habits to improve."



    When i was with my ex, this would be a typical response from me, even if he was indeed way over the line so as to avoid another outburst and i was always self blaming person at the time anyway which was my downfall - when there would be conflict if i told the truth.

    Where you erred -- is that you should have APOLOGIZED to her for your outburst the next day instead of taking her temperature on it to see how harsh you are allowed to me. She could have said "all is already forgotten, don't worry about it" or could have felt safer sharing that it wasn't cool. Being apologetic when it is needed shows you are capable of evolving.

  2. #32
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you're still upset with her and unsure whether she's capable of being more mature. That's why apologizing might not have crossed your mind. The maturity seems to be an issue. I'd date and enjoy my time with her but keep things lighthearted going forward. If she keeps inspiring distrust in you and you're not aligning in your thoughts/values (basic things), this might be more trouble than it's worth. It's not fair on either of you to keep seeing each other.

    For the most part, it seems like things have blown over. If she is fed up with you too she'll eventually throw the towel in. Enjoy each others' company and have fun.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    But I do not feel I was out of line to express my thoughts regarding punctuality. I will try to be more mindful of my irritability in the future and approach things with a little more tact, but I will continue to be honest when I see things that bother me.
    You're not out of line for being irritated or for expressing your thoughts and feelings. But I think you should pay attention to your disposition. There is a marked difference between a conversation and a lecture (or scolding).

    Instead of saying, "I don't like that. I don't want to be stuck waiting around for you, etc" you gave her a lesson on punctuality and respect, as if you were more of an authority on the matter than she was.

    I happen to agree with your position on the matter and I think the lateness could be a real concern. However, my point is that your tendency to condescend to others will undermine your relationship goals.

    Also:

    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    I have not just replaced one co-dependent woman with another
    Just FYI about this commonly misunderstood term: The caretaker is the codependent one, not the person who is receiving the care. In other words, if you were spending an inordinate amount of time solving Jane's problems for her, you were the one exhibiting codependency (by enabling her immaturity).

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